Advice Column: Don't Stick Your Pen In The Company Ink

Dear J-Wunder,

First of all, I've been a fan from the start. You're a maniacal fuck and I love it. You always almost make me piss myself from laughter. But today, I am deep in a pickle and I could use some help to get out of it. I need help with my boyfriend. We met at work, hit it off, then a few months later we started dating. We've been dating for a couple months now, and he's awesome. He's really nice, sweet and such a gentleman, but I feel like he likes me a lot more than I like him. I don't know how to let him down easy because this guy needs to be let down very easy. He gets pretty emotional. We do have a good time whenever we're together. We're always laughing, and the sex is pretty great too. I just don't really feel that spark like I thought I did.

Please, Ghetto Genius, lay it all out and give it to me straight.


P.S. I feel lucky to talk to you on Instagram sometimes. Lol



Dear Fan With The Nice Mouth That I Talk To Sometimes On Instagram,

The very first rule of people dating and/or fucking in the workplace...actually, the ONLY rule you did not pay attention to and had no fucks to give about...THE GOLDEN FUCKING RULE is:

DO NOT STICK YOUR PEN IN THE COMPANY INK.

EVER!!!

Now, before some of you asshole jive turkey motherfuckers go off and talk about your success with dating and/or fucking someone in the workplace and how it was so "grand and lovely with no drama," do us all a favor and shut the fuck up for the next 10 minutes or length of this column. The percentage of your co-worker to co-worker dating/fucking no drama ratio is small. I need to educate this young lady and the people out there about the fucked up world of employees dating/fucking one another and how something so innocent can turn into all kinds of fucked up shit. Grab a pen, some paper and take notes.

As much as I want to help guide you in breaking up with this nice, all-around, all-American, 100% boyfriend material man you have, I'm not going to. After you read what I'm about to breakdown for you and these amazing people out there, I hope it will ring a goddamn bell in your head and you will have the answer on what the fuck to do.

FACT: Fucking around or dating someone at work is just bad. I don't give a fuck who you are. You just don't do it. EVER. This specifically is aimed at those people who work at the same office, in the same area, doing almost the same shit.

I'm going to tell you a story. An experience. One that had me so scared for my life that I will never fuck around or date any woman at the office ever again.

One of the 20 fucking places I used to work at had tons of women. 87% of them were fine as hell. Gorgeous faces. Amazing racks. Legs for days. Asses so round you could break cement blocks over them and it wouldn't leave a scratch. This was a job that was pure heaven for a guy like me.

One night, a bunch of us got all shitfaced at a party and like the guy I am, I make my rounds in hopes I find the perfect co-worker(s) to fuck around with. One chick after another, I was getting denied by almost every single broad that night. The reason? They didn't want to do something and make it weird since we work together. Clever little bitches. How-the-fuck-ever, two broads didn't think like that. Fuck no they didn't. They were down because they were 1) Drunk, 2) Horny, 3) 25% Whore, 35% Slut, 4) Down to have some fun, 5) The type to not make things weird EVER. *Please remember #5*

Now before you guys go off and think I had a threesome, I didn't. Earlier in the night, the first chick I hooked up with was on her period. So there was no chance in hell she was gonna fuck me and my Guamaconda. I even offered to fuck her in the shower since you know...blood washes off easier AND we can fuck with the lights off it that helped lightened the mood. Bitch wasn't having it. DE-NIED. So what's a guy to do in this situation? ASK FOR A BLOW JOB, of course.

She unzips my pants, inserts my wang in her mouth and for the next 10 minutes I probably experienced the worst bj any man has ever experienced in his life. Never have I felt so uneasy about a woman touching my dick with her mouth the way she did. I mean, she went from using her teeth, to nipping at the tip of my cock like she was a school of piranhas or something. If that wasn't bad enough, she proceeds to actually lick my wang like it was a fucking Astro Pop. From the back of my taint to the tip of my dick. As she does all of this, the look on my face was of utter shock and disbelief. Almost as if I witnessed some poor motherfucker being beheaded right before my very eyes. At one point, I begged her she didn't have to finish as a tear or two strolled down my right cheek because my dick looked like a piece of linguica that had been attacked by a family of pit bulls and spit the fuck out. Of course, she doesn't listen, gives me a back handy from hell and it took all the sexual imagination and prayer to Jesus our Lord and Savior for semen to trickle out of my dick. Thank you, Jesus!

As for girl #2, she was the opposite end of the fucking spectrum. After I soaked my dick in cold water, Neosporin and a warm towel for 15 minutes, I had to make sure my night wasn't going to end with a bad blow job that left my dick looking like the Elephant Man and some form of leprosy. No way, no how. I take a few shots of Southern Comfort to get back into the swing of drunk things and get my game going once again. Within probably three sentences and a body shot, we were off and running back to her place to ride the Pound Town Express.

Not going to lie, the sex that night was amazing. It was nothing short of mind blowing but it did get docked a few points due to the fact her dog licked my ass when I was fucking her from behind and she had this weird thing about playing with my asshole while I slapped her tits with a ping pong paddle. Don't ask. Shit just goes down like that sometimes. She was one of those broads who just wanted to bang all night. But thanks to girl #1 who decided to eat my dick like it was a carton of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, I couldn't man the fuck up and keep going. Plus, I think this chick put a marble in my asshole because something was definitely not right with me after we fucked twice.

I leave her apartment, she doesn't get weird and then Monday rolls around...

This is where you need to actually listen.

People, I don't care if you're dating, fucking or whatever with another co-worker. Any time you have some sort of intimacy with another person you work with, SHIT GETS WEIRD. Especially if you're dating. Luckily for me, I wasn't dating. I was just fucking and getting my drive shaft and yambag sucked on.

From that Monday on, things were all fucking weird. And when I say weird, I mean, "Why did I decide to fuck with these motherfuckers" weird.

As cool and as nice and as sweet as those two chicks were, they made shit uncomfortable for me. I wasn't being an asshole. I wasn't being a dick. I was being good 'ol, funny fuck face, J-Wunder. ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! However, for some reason, these broads didn't see it that way. Oh no. Any time I would talk to another employee, I would hear shit like, "Oh, you gonna fuck her now?" "You gonna have her suck your dick too, J?" "Is my pussy not good enough for you?" "I bet she's a whore." "You love playing all the girls, huh?" "How come you stopped talking to me?" "Why are you different?" "Oh, now you don't want to eat lunch by me? I know you're hungry. I just saw you eating some goddamn Nutter Butters, asshole!!!!" "Why are you late? Fucking the girl from upstairs?" It was fucked up stuff like this along with crazy ass looks and all that fucked up shit Alicia Silverstone did in that movie The Crush that made me second guess if what I did was the right fucking thing. Obviously not considering these two were doing this on the daily, on top of acting like we were in a relationship then really losing their goddamn minds when they both found out one blew me and the other fucked me while her Yorkie was licking my anus. Is any of this shit making any sense to you?

It got so bad when I did start to date other chicks, these two girls would get so pissed that they'd call in sick any time they had to work with me, start talking shit about how my balls were too small, how I said this about this person or that person...these bitches made my life a living fucking hell. For no reason other than we hooked up and I was not trying to make it weird. It's never a good feeling when you go on a date and as you pull up to your house, some crazy bitch you either got a bj from or screwed, is on a "walk" but lives 20 minutes from your fucking place.

I'm happy you found a good guy who is really nice and super dandy or however the fuck you want to describe him. Just know if and when you break up with this guy, shit will be different. Shit will get weird. Shit will be a little tense from time to time. We can all pull that "let's all be adults here" but let's be fucking honest...how much does that really happen, right? Motherfuckers are too busy sulking and acting like little bitches that they don't want to be adults. Once that workplace lover heart is broken or hurt, you are fucked. They may not show it in front of you but everyone around you will know and they will make sure you feel as fucked up as they do. Trust me.

I probably didn't answer a single fucking thing you wanted me to answer in helping you break up with this dude. But shit got real once you said your boyfriend is the guy you work with. STOP THAT SHIT.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

It may work for 10% of people in the workforce but fucks with 90% of everyone else.

Good luck and when you break this cat's heart, be easy on him and be sure to give him, "Let's all be adults here" speech. Because that's all you fucking got, sister.

Much love,

J-Wunder