Tuesday, January 7, 2014

New Year, Not So NEW YOU

Every year, right before the end of the year, we all take a good, long, hard look at ourselves in the mirror and say to ourself, "Self, you are gonna be the best goddamn you YOU have ever been this year." You have these lofty notions of conquering your life personally, professionally, financially, spiritually and whatever other fucking-ally you can actually think of.


You and I both know for goddamn sure that your New Year's Resolution is going to last about as long as Hugh Hefner's erection without viagra. But, don't beat yourself up about it. Unless you are into that shit, then carry on. Many people try and fail at New Year's Resolutions because they forget that you can wish in one hand and shit in the other and see what fills up faster. So unless you are actually planning on DOING something about your New Year's Resolution that shit is going to go the way of the doo-doo pretty fucking quick.

We have spent months, but in reality, more like 45 mins, coming up with a list of the most often unacheived resolutions. Basically, we figured out what we fucked up in the first week of 2014 and wanted to share our failures with you, for your enjoyment. You are very fucking welcome.

1) No more hoe shit.

If you are like me and most of my homies, you like to ring in the New Year with a bang. Literally. Too bad you never catch the other person's name, or even got that $20 they promised you for doing the thing you can do with your tongue, a wooden spoon and a tub of Crisco. Shame and Crisco are both  very hard to wash off and usually require multiple hose downs in the neighbor's kiddie pool.

So this year, you decided that you were not going to find the guy or girl with only one wonky eye and  the least amount of genital scabs, and you were not going to show them how you spent years perfecting the Nature Boy Ric Flair's Figure Four leg-lock into a sex position that is illegal in 22 states and 11 countries. You were going to be better. You were going home, alone, to masturbate with only your tears of loneliness as lube.

Nah, fuck that shit. You found some bitch at the bar that was licking crusty fireball shots off their equally crusty friend and you decided to take them both home and give them a shame shower. Like a fucking boss. And like the boys from The Lonely Island say when you crymax, "Doesn't matter, had sex." Welcome to 2014 you sick fuck. We missed you.

2) Stop spending all your skrilla.

Most everyone we know lives beyond their means. And if they aren't, then they are hella broke, homeless or just fucking lying to themselves. There is the guilt in spending money, but then you have to try to keep up with everyone else who is doing the same thing and it is just a vicious cycle of people living paycheck to paycheck. Sure, there are people who are frugal, good with their money, and live within their means. GOOD FOR FUCKING YOU. Don't judge the rest of us that like to go out to fancy dinners at Church's Chicken, buy the finest of Target silks, and the classiest of pregnant strippers. Go do you, while the rest of us make a resolution to not spend as much in 2014.

How-the-fuck-ever, when you break that resolution know that it is not your fault. Stores and online prey on the booze-addled, stripper-soaked brains of New Years shoppers and have these recockulous sales where things are like 75% off, and even if you don't need them or even fucking want them, how can you say no to 75% off? HOW? You would be stupid not to buy those Vera Bradley pajama pants that are 2 sizes too large, but are only $8. I mean, what is eight-fucking-dollars in the grand scheme of things, baller? Seriously.

And that is how you get bamboozled by the mall into breaking another resolution. Next year, when you make the same goddamn resolutions, save yourself some time and bring the stripper into the dressing room with you, bang her out, and then buy that shirt that looks like 1999 roofied it, threw up all over it, and then let the stripper spit wash it. Then go and ask your neighbor to hose you down in their kiddie pool.

3) Work less.

Work hard, play harder. That's the motto we all strive for. Nothing is more fucking rewarding than making that paper and knowing you earned that shit, right? Last year, you knew you busted your ass  LIKE A BOSS because you took care of your priorities and did what you had to do to pay your bills, put that roof over your goddamn head and take care of your responsibilities (illegitimate children included)...all while having a fucking blast and doing regretful shit like getting that blowjob in Thailand at that one bar, from that one hot girl, who was really a 14 year old boy named, Wilson. Wait, what?

You worked like a motherfucker on a mission. I'm talking some H.A.A.M. shit!!! So hard that you are worn the fuck out. Exhausted. Beat. Delusional and basically...just over all the bullshit. And as much as the pay was all gravy, you come to the realization that you not only proved yourself to your employer, but the shit you had to endure was really fucked up, stressful and was an experience "you never want to come face-to-face with again." That said, one thing you promised yourself, your family, friends and God is that last year ain't gonna happen. EVER. No fucking way. No fucking how. It's all about work/life balance in 2014, right?

Come the first day back to work, guess what? All that "I'm all about no stress, working smarter and not harder" attitude is thrown out the goddamn window. Not even one week back into the New Year and you're working harder than a high school freshman trying to fingerbang his first girlfriend under the bleachers at P.E. Talk about fucked up. The dream you so wanted in 2014 isn't such a dream anymore. Why? Because you're an overachieving asshole that is all about hard work. All about the stress, putting up with the bullshit, dealing with dumb ass co-workers who don't know a dick from a goddamn push-pop. You thrive off the shit that ruins people. You bitch, moan, whine and complain and at the end of the day, work harder than anyone there. The kicker...you don't get acknowledged for shit. Why? Because no one give a fuck. Unless your ass is writing the checks, sucking the head execs dick or playing that political game that we all know happens in ever office...basically kissing ass and brown nosing so hard your head smells like shit.

The only benefit from working hard, working late and sacrificing more than you'd like...you still get paid that dolla dolla bill y'all!!!

Only way to keep this resolution...be the top dog, win the lottery, have a heart attack, nervous breakdown or go postal on some motherfuckers.

4) Workout (duh).

So you've gained some weight since Halloween. No biggie, right? All depends on who you ask I guess. People may not be honest with you because the truth is, when you try to throw on those jeans you've been dying to wear or that top that is all bout it, bout it, you'll figure out soon enough that you went from fit to motherfucking fat. Yup, I've been there and done that shit too. Matter of fact, in the last 4 months, my sorry ass has gained 25 pounds. My excuse? I started that see-food diet where any food I see, I fucking eat. Also got a little something called aguaphobia where I can't drink water so to replace that shit, I drink massive amounts of alcohol. This helps with the see-food diet I'm on. But I digress...

December 31st rolls around and as you stuff your face with more fried food, chocolate, desserts and booze, you promise yourself, "Come January 1st, my new life is going to start! I'm all about getting back to where I used to be." You hit the gym New Year's Day and what do you know...it's packed as fuck!

Every goddamn person there with exception to the die hard fit bodies had the same exact fucking plan as you. You know...trying to make some life changes Biggest Loser style. Knowing you're already there, you do your best to find a cardio machine to do your thing. And what do you know...all those goddamn machines are taking with fools on those fucking things for 45 minutes to an hour, thinking they are gonna lose 50 pounds in a fucking day.

Down but not out, you check out the classes that are being taught and just your fucking luck, every session for the next week is booked. You go find a machine to work out on and go fucking figure...they are all taken except the ones that you have no idea what the fuck to do with. You could do those machines but the fear is that you might do that shit wrong and look like a dumb ass so why fucking bother. 35 minutes have passed and you've had zero productivity, hit up the water fountain 5 times and you hit up the sit up machine and did one set of 3 reps.

The only conclusion that comes to mind is, "This shit is ridiculous, I'll wait til it gets less packed and come back in March. By then, I'll definitely have all the motivation to get my shit together before summer."

Have fun with those 25 extra pounds you add on, on top of the 15 you already gained fucker.

Hey, happens to the best of us. Besides, we all convince ourselves we look good no matter what AND thank God for black being a slimming color.

5) Ease up on the Social Networking sites/texting.

"I spent way too much time on Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Twitter and dating sites last year. I also texted way too much and avoided talking to actual people face to face. Time to stop living my life via the internet and make the effort to be more personal with my friends and others who I can actually have real conversations with."


Really, asshole?!


If you think for a goddamn minute that you can put the phone down and actually act like a person back in the early 90's, you are sorely mistaken, motherfuckers.

Social Networking, texting and anything that has to do with a computer or cell phone has fucked up our social life and minds to the Nth degree. I'm guilty, you're guilty, we are ALL fucking guilty.

Face to face conversation? If I were to do that, that would take into my Facebook stalking and Instagram post of me at this nice restaurant. Now why would I do that? You want me to call you? Sorry but, I'm busy texting three other people at once so how about you just text me what you want or need. Sound good? Greeeeaaaaat...thanks a ton!

Communication today is fucking generic and peoples agenda's are not as important as they make it out to be. I mean, if you call watching the "Bachelor" or the "Diner's, Drive-in's and Dives" important goddamn business as to why you can't have a 5 minute fucking phone conversation then yeah, I guess you are a busy ass motherfucker.

The success rate of some shit like this is probably 20% and the only reason why is because a motherfucker is either broke and can't afford a phone or internet, fools don't have good reception or internet out there in the world of BFE or you're old school Amish or one of them crazy ass Mormons who just fuck all day, making babies and shit and really don't have time to socialize with anyone other than tons of wife pussy.

Let's be real...you will be Facebooking, Instagraming, Pinning shit and Tweeting like crackhead in the Crack Olympics in 2014!!!!

New Year, Not So NEW YOU!

Happy 2014, y'all!

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