Friday, February 7, 2014

Advice Column: Unleash The Fury

Dear J-Wunder,

Hi. I'm going to be straight forward about this lol. Sometimes when I go to the bathroom there is a clear white sticky liquid that appears in my underwear and around my penis. What is it? And what does it mean? I just turned 18 so it's kinda freaking me out. Thanks for your advice.

I hope it's nothing serious

Dear I hope it's nothing serious,

Well, well, well. Our first young Ghetto Genius fan who is barely legal to check out my page, has written in looking for some guidance. Jesus fucking Christ. Today MUST be special if I'm writing about some ABC After School Special shit. This is some Title Nine reverse discrimination bullshit, for real though. I remember my sister had that book, "Our bodies, Ourselves" so she could figure what the fuck was going on with her body, but I did get to figure out why my dick got hard every time She-Ra was on T.V. Well, Imma change that now.  Have a seat, grab some lotion, a hand towel or sock and take some notes. It's time for a little Ghetto Genius 101 on "Knowing Your Cock And The Awesome That Cums With It". You're welcome, fucker.

I remember when I first spotted the stuff I like to call the "sticky-icky"...seems like ages ago. Congrats my friend, you are now entering the world of manhood. I'm just shocked that your grown ass hasn't spotted this before. Don't you watch porn, dude? At least looked at a nudie mag or fantasized about your mom's friend with the big ass titties? Shit, I think when I got my very first boner, the sticky-icky was erupting from my dong, son. Anyway, I have no goddamn clue what the scientific term is called, but what I call it is "baby gravy." I guess I can compare it to when chicks get all hot and bothered and their undies get a little soaked in the front (please note, if you can't get a girl to reach this level, see a doctor...something could be wrong with you).  If you have no clue what I'm talking about, you will someday, kid.

Your case is nothing serious at all and should be celebrated. I don't know if you like girls or guys, but to see where that clear, sticky stuff can lead to, you should do what every teenage boy does and has done. Go to the bathroom, lay in your bed or sit in your car and jerk the fuck off. There, I said it. Beat your dick like it owes you money.

What did the five fingers say to the wang? STROKE, STROKE, STROOOOOKKKKKKEEEE!!!

Get some lotion and choke your wang and be prepared to unleash the fury. Just make sure you point and shoot. You know why girls hate it when you jizz in their eyes? Cause that shit burns like a thousand hot pokers. It would also be a damn shame if you just let it fly everywhere and your mom spots your jizz on her favorite towels or something. That stuff hardens up and can get crusty, yo. Here's a tip: do it in a sock if you're worried. I had a buddy that always did it in his socks and he says it's easy clean-up.  However, your mom might ask why you have a shit ton of non-matching socks from time to time and question the yellow stains each sock has when she does laundry. Just something to think about if you plan to go this route. Oh, if you do, just keep in mind that it stains. I don't even think bleach can take this shit out.

I do want to warn you, if you haven't had sex or not even thinking about sex anytime soon, but you enjoy the pleasures of masturbation, you CAN become addicted. Not that I would know, but I have known a few friends that made "yanking pole" a religion almost. BTW - Watch that movie "Don Jon," it'll be a good guide as to what the fuck I'm talking about. See, what starts off as a little curiosity, can lead to a VERY bad habit and might need a possible intervention. Don't be that guy. Make friends with chicks and let them smoke your pole if need be. Man, I love it when my pole gets smoked. Realize, just cause you're not boning the ladies doesn't mean you can't do anything else, big guy. Getting your dick sucked is just as good as putting your vienna sausage inside a hot pocket. And since you just turned 18 and some of these chicks are at a rookie level with the whole sex thing, make sure that you aren't getting hand jobs from them. Hand jobs are an art form. Don't let them ruin that art you have conquered. I can tell you horror stories of getting jerked off by chicks and how bad it hurt and what my penis looked like afterward. Freddy Kreuger looked like Giselle, compared to my cock that day.

I hope this answers your question and doesn't worry you anymore. This is what manhood is all about.  Finding out the weird shit that spills out of your cock, then taking it to the next level and cashing in on where that shit can take you. Audition your hand puppet like you're a natural at it. Trust me, once you find the groove of things, you are gonna be applying the hand brake all goddamn day. Don't get it twisted though, if you can find alternative solutions to forearm exercises, do it. Ain't nothing wrong with tapping that ass like you're playing the xylophone, son!

Busting a fat one is better than drugs. If someone tells you different, they are lying. Or, they have not experienced the power of unleashing the fury. May the force be with you, playa.



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