Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Top 10 Things That Ruin Sex

We've all had them. Those shit-sucking, mood-busting, whiskey dick moments that ruin a good fucking bang or ruin a promising one before it even starts. We asked some of you, our fan faithfuls, what has ruined it for you and you gave us some great (and somewhat disturbing/twisted) fucking feedback. Yeah...we took some liberties with your answers because we're goddamn geniuses and you're not. Wait, what? So without further adieu, check out the Top 10 Things That Ruin Sex. Enjoy!

10. Phone calls/texts:

If your phone rings or you get a text and you actually TAKE IT while engaged in pleasuring your lover/fuck buddy orally or fucking their brains out, you are DONE. It's over. The second you got up to get that phone, their snatch dried up like a dead snake in the desert or their dick went straight parapalegic on you. When you are pleasing your man/woman, ignore that fucking phone!!! On the real - not only is it ill-advised, it's just bad fucking manners. Don't try to fuck up our vibe.

9. TV:

The same shit as above applies. If you want the TV on, no problem. But you better not watch that shit, even for a SECOND. Turn the volume down if that shit distracts you, because if your rhythm starts to match the song on whatever commercial is on, motherfuckers WILL be fighting. True story. If you hear a whistle because Kobe fouled somebody and is acting like a bitch about it and you stop to see what the call was? Yep...fightin'. Bitches will not hesitate to lock up the pussy on the spot. Oh, and ladies...stop trying to concentrate on the drama that's unfolding at the Jenner house. You know Bruce is gonna get more plastic surgery, Kim is about to cry about some bullshit and Kris about to fuck Drake in a porno. DVR that shit, people! AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! Are we fucking or are we gonna recite lines from Friends, motherfucker?!

8. Violence:

I like a good bite on parts of my body during sex, who doesn't? You can make me your bitch, tell me to pick you up and throw you around like a fucking rag doll...hell, demand that I pull your fucking hair, and maybe go in for a one handed choke to the throat on special occasions, but do not EVER think it will turn me on if you want me to slap or punch you in the face or get you into a full-on, arm bar. I dated a gal back in the day who thought that foreplay was the same as when her siblings used to beat her ass when she was growing up. It wasn't until I bit her titty that she stopped all the bullshit. I mean, the bitch karate chopped my balls but she learned her lesson. I'm down for some kinky shit, not domestic violence.

7. Don't touch me here/there:

This was one of my favorite answers from our fan Q&A: “My wife and I have been married for 8 years. When we have sex, there is always a “script”. She goes down on me (for about 90 seconds), I go down on her (until she says to stop), then it’s time to fuck. This is usually the time I fucking check out. "Don’t touch my tits, they hurt." "Don’t put your hands in/on/around my pussy." "Don’t slap my ass or pull my hair." "I don’t want to turn/bend over, it hurts when you do that."

Are you fucking kidding me, motherfucker?! Newsflash:


If you have been involved with that kind of sex for eight fucking years, not only do I question your sanity, but also your goddamn intelligence. Do you not know that there are women out there who actually LIKE to fuck? Who LIKE different positions and who LIKE to actually be TOUCHED during sex? Sounds like sex with your wife is about as exciting as...well, I can't think of anything less exciting than sex with your fucking wife, except a case of the clap. See if you can find a way to retrieve your nuts and car keys from that bitch’s fake Fendi and don’t leave anything behind but fucking skid marks and dust.

6. Doing all the work:

"Are you just gonna fuckin' LAY there?" This question does not only apply to the girls you roofie before you carry them out of the bar. Sometimes bitches are just lazy, or don't KNOW what the fuck to do. To them I say: Educate your ignorant self. RIGHT.FUCKING.NOW. Take a head-giving class. Ask your mom how J-Wunder likes it. Familiarize yourself with the ugly, and learn what the fuck to do with it. Ladies, suck dick like it's an Astro Pop and remember to cup the balls. Fellas, always, always ALWAYS be sure to eat pussy like it's soft serve ice cream. Dicks and vaginas should not look like they've been dragged through broken glass for 5 fucking miles after you've sucked and fucked. If they do, kill yourself. BA-LEED DAT!

5. Vomiting/Sobering up:

Besides you sick fuckers with a thing for Asian puke porn, blowing chow during sex is NEVER fucking acceptable. EVER. The worst part about puking (besides the actual puking and the potential wearing of the puke) is that it bitch slaps the fuck out of you, right back into coyote ugly reality. I don’t know about you, but after clearing my system of those last 4 Jaeger bombs and 10 Fireball shots I HAD to have, I realized the hot broad passed out next to me was rubbing my goddamn back as I was crying to Jesus the Gardener, begging for forgiveness, as she was giving me the "I knew I shouldn't have gone home with this drunk fuck" look.  This is one of the unsexiest scenarios ever, but you know what? If I’m still drunk after I hurl and rally like a champ, I’m still fucking. Puke breath and all! Wait, what?

4. Talking:

I’m not saying you shouldn’t talk at all. A little encouragement, direction and the occasional affirmation is good, but there’s no need to go all fuckin' porn star about that shit. If it feels good, say it loud and proud, but the only vagina monologue anybody wants to hear is if you can make your honey hole ACTUALLY talk. Don’t do that chewing on air shit that porn stars do, either, because, seriously, who the fuck does that? If you need a way to keep your mouth busy during sex, you’re just fucking doing it wrong. Also, make sure you don't go overboard and start saying some crazy shit if you encounter a one night stand. You know...shit like, "I love you, baby." I had a chick tell me that once and not only did I go limp dick in her, I also farted to break the awkwardness. That didn't go over too well.

Lastly, if you're gonna say some freaky shit, keep it within some boundaries. Calling a chick her "little whore or slut" is cool. But when you say some shit like, "Want a Dirty Sanchez baby?!" or "Want me to stick this bat in your asshole?!" Don't be surprised if you get a lamp to the dome! Easy tiger...just be glad you fucking.

3. Smells:

Sex touches every sense and they are all funny as fuck in some form. The sights, the fucking sounds, touching, even some taste. But if there is one thing that takes the cake, it's the goddamn smells, people. Don't shake your head like you don't know because anyone who has fucked, knows exactly what I'm talking about.

Guys, if you think there is even a micron possibility that some skanky bar fly is going to get near your junk tonight, WASH. THAT. SHIT. The taint and the asshole, too, if you think she’s a nasty freak. And don’t be shy about it. Hike a leg and scrub, scrub, scrub. And if you’re not going to do a sister the courtesy of keeping your love jungle trimmed, take care to dry that shit, too. Take extra special care during the summer months, too. No broad likes to experience a swampy bayou.

And ladies, ladies, ladies, ladies, LADIES...if your business smells like the shithouse on a tuna boat, just stay the fuck home. No amount of washing is going to help you. A trip to the goddamn free clinic MIGHT. But nothing will shut down a hard-on faster than opening your legs and releasing your Essence of Bait Boat all over the room. I like to eat my fish, not fuck it.

2. Kids:

These little fuckers always need SOMETHING. Food, water, love, encouragement…GET the fuck outta here with that shit. Can’t you see mommy and daddy (or mommy and “Uncle” J-Wunder) are trying to get their fucking freak on? You always have some kind of fucking constraint with kids. Either they’re on their way home, they’re sleeping or they’re busting in the room asking for food, love, a tv show or their ass to get wiped. Now she’s worried about them interrupting, so she’s not concentrating on the task at hand (the task being your cock, genius) and you’re irritated because she’s not focusing and then…you go so limp, so fast, you almost fly around the room backward like a fucking balloon. Do what I do, find a closet and fuck in it...even if it's for 6 dick pumps. Hey it might be bad, but it's still good.

1. Marriage:

I know I'll probably get shit for this but hey, it is what it is. All you fucking “monogamous” assholes who wanna pipe up with some bullshit about “I’m married with children and our sex life is GREAT!!”, just sit the fuck down and calm your tits. Besides the issue of kids, you and your spouse have so much festering hostility and rage about the day to day issues in your life, the last thing you feel like doing at the end of the day is fucking. Am I right? Well, fucking EACH OTHER.

It’s not like when you were dating, the time you spent together you were doing things you enjoyed. Back then, you wined and dined and had foreplay - dinner, a movie, some drinks/dancing, and fucking like rabbits in the car “just because we can”. Now it’s carpools, daycare, bath time, bill paying, play dates, mortgage concerns and…yeah…you’re wet already, right? Shut the fuck up. Foreplay consists of pulling her granny panties to the side so you can spit on it and stick it in there for 98 seconds of marital bliss. Do us all a fucking favor and just admit that if you’re married, your sex is the equivalent of saltines and water. Once in a while, a motherfucker would like to try a Ritz, right?

Now, I know this doesn't happen to the majority of married couples...just like 60%. Do yourselves a favor, find time to fuck. Like really fuck. Shit that involves kissing, finger banging, back handies, oral pleasure, maybe a 69 and a reverse cowgirl. Your life will be changed. Even if it's for those 10 minutes.

You're welcome. 

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