Monday, August 11, 2014

Advice Column: It's All In A Woman's Head

Dear Mr. Wunder, 

What does a man really think about a woman who gives him some ass on the first or second date? Is she long term dateable?  I feel like we're both adults, lets do it if it feels right! 


Dear Slore,

I saw your email over two weeks ago and thought, "Damn, this is a pretty good fucking question." So good that I decided not to answer it right away because 1) I was fucking busy and 2) I needed to channel my inner Cocksman to really think about what you asked. So now, I'm finally ready to answer the one question that is probably on half of the world's minds.

The answer I'm about to give you might sound confusing. But when has the male species ever made sense, right? Women know women and they fucking hate one another so whatever I say, take it for what it's worth and use this knowledge as a form of useful information so you can go on about your life and never question this shit again.

FACT: Men LOVE pussy. Ok, straight men love pussy.

FACT: If a man has the opportunity to have sex with a woman on their first or second date, he's more than likely not going to judge her.

Two proven facts that a majority of men will agree with.

See, having sex with a chick on a first or second date isn't a deal breaker for a guy. AT ALL. Well, unless the sex was fucking God awful. But let's say the sex was fan-fucking-tastic so we aren't spinning our wheels here...

Guys aren't like chicks. We're way more low maintenance in a sense that we don't fucking judge a motherfucker like y'all females do if we bang someone on a first or second date. Why do we care? If you're gonna offer up the pootie, we aren't gonna say no. EVER.

One thing you and the female population need to understand is that while you ladies have these thoughts in your head of what men MIGHT think of you if you give up the pussy too soon, is more than likely false. What you ALL need to realize is this - women dictate when sex will happen...unless that shit is rape then motherfuckers are about to get knocked the fuck out and go the fuck to jail. Straight up.

Yeah, sure dudes love pussy a shit ton but trust me, if they aren't willing to wait a day, two days, 3 months or 1 fucking year...they will leave your ass if it's just about sex for them. Dudes don't sit there and think, "Man, I can't believe Sarah fucked me after the first date...she's a goddamn whore." Trust me, if we wanted a whore, we know what watering hole to go to, to find that special "last call" slut. I know some dudes have motives and when it comes to some chicks, and we find that as a challenge and will go above and beyond sometimes to get a piece of ass...once that happens, we bounce like a motherfucking jumpy house. That's why y'all ladies need to be smart and sniff a dude out. Dudes want pussy all the fucking time. That's no hidden secret, people. That's straight fact.

It's up to the ladies to dictate where things go. How fast you want to suck dick then get pounded from behind over your roommates couch. I've said it a million times that pussy rules the universe. If a dude is into you like you think he is, he'll wait. You play puppet master and call the shots. We're the ones that are ready, with our dick on hard, just waiting for the signal.

The fucked up problem with women is that y'all put it in your own fucking head that if you sleep with a guy within the first or second date, let alone have a one night stand, that dude is gonna think you're a complete and utter whore. Now, if you act like a whore, then of course, you probably are a Grade A whore. Women are quick to judge because you all know that when you see another broad act like a skank at a club, bar or church, the first thing you do is 1) Judge, 2) Talk shit, 3) Say to yourself, "I will never be like that bitch!", 4) Convince yourself that you aren't that easy and 5) Think every man thinks that any woman who puts out, even if they don't act like a goddamn skank, will judge the fuck out of you.

Ladies, I'm here to tell you that all those thoughts in your head is your own shit. Men are simple fucking creatures. We know a whore when we see one. Hell, when we walk in a club or bar, we know within minutes if not seconds, if we don't want to put in work for a piece of ass, the whores are usually the ones who stick out like a sore thumb taking shots of Fireball and trying to bum free drinks from every dude at the bar. Classy bitches do their thing and at times, can put off that cunty vibe, but they keep it more on point and don't show any sign that they will be fucking any dudes present. Women know men love easy bitches who give up the cookie within 2 free Jager shots time. So when we want those whores, we hunt them down. See where I'm getting at here?

If men are into you, you'll know. They'll talk to you, ask you out on a date, enjoy your company sober and actually ask you questions about you and your life. Pretty amazing shit, right? Men have two modes when it comes to fucking women: 1) The whores and 2) The dateable ones. Whores are whores. They will fuck dudes within 10 minutes of meeting them and skip off into the sunset with crusty drawers and the smell of bad decisions. Dateable broads make you work for it even though you don't even know it. If men fuck dateable chicks on the first or second date, stop worrying about what we're thinking. Y'all put too much pressure on yourselves. Like you said, if you're an adult, act like a goddamn adult. I know some chicks have rules on when they fuck a dude...especially if you really like the guy.

But let's be real could fuck a dude on a first date and end up having an amazing relationship, whereas, you make a motherfucker wait 2 months and he ends up being an asshole and does a whole slew of fucked up shit that leaves you heart broken, alone and with a broken vibrator. So really, is it about time, or is it about the stuff women put in their heads because they assume a bunch of ridiculous shit that in the end, could go one way or another?

Sometimes I just want to hug myself for all this goddamn knowledge I bring to the table.

Go fuck and be merry,



Anonymous said...

"crusty drawers and the smell of bad decisions". That's the funniest damn thing I've heard all week. You're awesome.

Deb said...

Wow, Im gonna hunt you down and snag you.

I loved this column. It is all very true, and funny. The way our (women's) minds work is pretty confusing. Yet you summed it all up here.

Thanks for the marvelous read!