Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Advice Column: He Works Hard For The Money


I could really really use your advice. Recently, I had one of the most embarassing moments in my entire life. My husband got a raise at work, and to let me know about it, he forwarded me the email from his boss saying that his $10k per year raise (outstanding, right) would begin on his next paycheck, which apparently was company policy. Awesome right?

Well, proud wife that I am, I mean $10k raise? Seriously? I emailed my husband back and said to him "YOU ARE SO GETTING A BLOW JOB WHEN YOU GET HOME TONIGHT!"

Just after I clicked send....I realize that this forwarded email was an attachment. I didnt realize that when you open the attachment, you are now responding to THAT sender. Not the one that sent it to you.

Thats right...I just emailed my husbands boss and told him HE was getting a blow job when he got home.

You may think this is funny...most of my friends I told did. Even the tech support analyst at my office got quite the giggle when I asked him to please get the email back. Apparently you can't do that by the way.

My problem is...they have a company party coming up in a few weeks, and I dont really wanna go. My husband though he was teased a bit when news of the email got out, didn't really care because after all he was getting a blow job later. So he thinks I should take the same attitude as him and just say "fuck it" and go. He says I am making way too big a deal out of this and nobody is going to be thinking "thats the chick that offered to blow the boss".

Im not so sure? Should I show my face? Am I being ridiculous???

What are your thoughts?

Dear Mortified:

Holy SuckMyCock, Batman! I truly understand why you are mortified and why you came to the Genius for help. If you can give me a minute to stop laughing while trying to envision what your mouth would feel like around my wang, I will break it down for you.

There are a few different ways you can look at this, depending on the kind of person you are and whether or not, deep down inside, you are just as fucked up as the rest of us.

First, you can do the polite, socially appropriate thing: show up at the party and apologize to the boss. But don't do that shit in front of his fucking wife. Saying some shit with the words "blowjob" or "sucking cock" in front of another man's spouse might get your ass fucking killed. Or invited to a gang bang. Real talk.

Tell the bossman how excited you were to get the great news because money has been tight, your husband has been stressed about it, blah, blah, fucking blah, and you wanted to make it an extra special day. Lay it on thick, because if he’s a crotchety old fuck, he only sees you as some lipstick-on-a-pig trophy wife who smoked enough hog to buy her the American Dream. Even if he’s not a crotchety old fuck, based on your email, he will likely see you that way anyway, so you better put on your best acting game and come with it. Trying to hide from it (especially given that other motherfuckers in the office now know that you are one of those bitches that “reward” your husband with head – for money) will only make you look foolish and guilty of something. You ain’t guilty, you’re just makin’ daddy happy, right? Act embarrassed, be humble and apologetic, mumble some shit about technology ruining the fucking world and all will likely be forgotten.

The other option, and this is one of those "left field" options, you dig deep, find that inner goddamn skank you thought you left in college, and step RIGHT THE FUCK OVER THE LINE. Offer to suck off your husband’s boss in appreciation for a $10k raise. Wait, what?

Now, if you have the marbles to do this, do you approach him, laugh sheepishly about it, tell him how sorry and embarrassed you are and also offer to toss that motherfucker’s salad for another $10k? If you’re smoking hot, that shit just might work. Trust me, a majority of men will be down for a salad tossin’ if you offer it. Don't get it twisted though, you might not get kissed for a whole year after you do that shit, so if you step over that line and want to get freak nasty, hey, do it. If you (and/or your husband) are in it for the money and your relationship can survive the inevitable fallout, I say you suck, fuck and toss that boss for every dirty penny you can get.

On a serious note, only do this if you're really fucking drunk and your husband is like family to the company. If he's not that tight with the executive circle and you decide to offer salad tossing's in addition to reach arounds and a game of Cock Gammon in your mouth, be prepared for a Ray Rice and Chris Brown ass beating from your man along with this fool being unemployed because you had one too many rounds of Fireball and decided to "tell it like it is".

On the real though...go to the party, stay the course, make it a joke and make those around you realize, you're a good ass wife who takes care of her man and his penis.

What Dat Mouf Do,


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