Tuesday, January 13, 2015

Advice Column: The (Simple) Rules Of Dating

Dear J-Wunder,

Like many of your fans I am in need of some advice. I am in my early 30's, never been married, no kids, and single. I dated my high school sweetheart for 8 years and since we split up, I haven't had much luck on the dating scene. The guys I meet are either the type to hit it and quit it or have a serious lack of ambition. I've followed the trend of finding dates on Tinder and not sure what to think of it. I have a career and support myself so why is it so hard to find a man who does the same for himself? Maybe I am doing this dating thing all wrong. Can you give me some tips for my future dates and maybe what to watch out for as red flags?

About To Give Up on Men

Dear About To Give Up On Men,

Dating: It's not for everyone. However, some of those who are privy to it, aren't that fucking great at it.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard friends, family and random fucking strangers bitch and moan about their dating adventures that become a complete failure.

Everything from, "They weren't who I'd thought they'd be" to "OMG, that was a complete fucking disaster…why do I have the worst luck?!"…dating has created more stress in the 21st Century than it has back in probably any other decade.

The reality is that dating isn't rocket science. It's really quite simple, actually. The issue or problem nowadays, is that motherfuckers are way too selective, amongst other things, and need to learn how to get a fucking grip on life. Is that a bad thing? No, not  at all. But see, the problem is that when it comes to dating, expectations run so fucking high, that when it comes to the actual date, disappointment sets in and everything you had hoped for in this one magical moment, goes to complete and utter donkey shit. But why? Because people have scenarios and ideas set in their heads before the date ever even happens. From the moment you decide "yeah, I'll go out with you," it's a game of Russian Roulette.

That's why today, I'm here to give some rules. Rules on dating and how to be good at it, if you give it a chance and stop being a little bitch about it. Because trust me, you're life isn't as bad as you think it is when it comes to meeting people. That shit is just in your fucking head. Ya heard?!

So grab some paper and a pen because you're gon' learn today!!!!

Rule #1: Put your money where your mouth is. Or where you want someone to put their mouth on you.

If you are trying to find the next person to be your significant other, you might want to spend a little cash for that ass. No, I don't mean buy a fucking Thai Lady Boi. If you are using one of the free dating websites/apps like Tinder, Grinder, or what-the-fuck-ever, where it's just a swipe to the left, or a swipe to the right, then you put your hands on your hips, and you bring your knees in tight, your love life will probably be as fucked up as the Rocky Horror Picture Show. And more likely than not, your date is going to look like Tim Curry in fucking drag…and this is regardless if you are a girl, guy or gay/lesbo.

If you want to be a person of substance, shell out the $60 or so and let that old ass dude from E-Harmony get your goddamn love life on point. However, if you are just looking to have some dude stick his wang in your thang, then grind away. But don't be posting all your sad sack shit about how you met some douchebag heifer on Tinder and that dickhead stole your wallet, smashed three of your homegirls, and now you are saying he has a kid on the way. If you're trying to find a dude to wine, dine, and 69 you with his finger in your butt off these free dating apps, just know he probably lives in his moms basement, playing SKYRIM all night and watches Thai Lady Boi porn. BA-LEED-DAT. However, if any of you motherfuckers met your other half on one of these free dating sites and have a success story to tell that does not involve a round of antibiotics, I am all ears.

Spend a little dime so you don't end up with some motherfucker who will send your ass to the doctor the next day to get that "one thing" checked out.

Rule #2: Don't be too picky.
"Wait, what, J?!" That's right, you heard me.

People these days want the cream of the crop. But let's be real for a second…that shit ain't gonna happen. That's like winning the lottery three times in a fucking row.


Trust me, I'm all for finding that one person who is your dream weaver. But you know what? This ain't a fucking fairy tale and ain't no motherfucker coming back from the Renaissance era to sweep you off your fucking feet.

Instead of saying, "this is EXACTLY what I want," you need to set some simple fucking standards. Because let's be honest, a majority of people, especially some of you ladies, like to think this is a Build-A-Bear fucking workshop, and you can just add whatever the fuck you want to make someone be to your liking. It is 2015 and that shit is NOT gonna happen.

Standards are key because it's what you want within reason and it doesn't make you look like a fucking cunt or asshole when it comes to narrowing shit down when trying to score a date.

I get it, some people only like to eat pepperoni pizza and are afraid to go outside their comfort zone. Hence, PEPPERONI FOR LIFE, BITCH! Well guess what? This isn't a fucking pizza so sack the fuck up and keep it simple by setting standards and break outside of that mold, son.

Do they have a job? Do they have life goals? Any hobbies? Love animals? Can they carry on a conversation? Do they text and respond in complete sentences. See, shit like that.

Too many people get so specific and need to realize that shit doesn't work. Are you an archeologist, motherfucker? Because you trying to find something so specific is like trying to find a goddamn dinosaur fossil. This ain't Jurassic fucking Park so chill the fuck out.

FACT: The best shit in life always happens when you don't have a plan.

Of course you have to decide where you are meeting or what the general plan is...dinner, drinks, strip club, etc. BUT...don't have a preconceived fucking idea in your head of how the whole night is going to pan out. If you plan every goddamn detail out in your head like, "So he will open every door for me, pay for everything, not look at ANYONE else, think all my jokes are funny, and think I'm the perfect match" you are likely to be disappointed and go home masturbating, using your tears as lube.  Just let things happen and go with the flow.

Don't get it twisted, some people don't know how to operate on a fucking whim so what you have to do is focus on the moment, the shit that is happening around you and the person in front of you.

More times than not, I have heard stories of people who end up dating the person they didn't even think they'd be in to. Why? Because shit just fucking happened. Whether it be a night out saying, "Fuck it, let's drink" or talking for hours on end about random bullshit, when you don't have a plan and choose not to go by the script you detail out in your head, things potentially play in your favor.

I mean, how do you think I've gotten laid so many times in my life? Not by planning. But by letting shit happen. And alcohol…lots and lots of alcohol and broken promises.


Rule #4: Put the goddamn phone down.
The next time I'm on a date with a broad I meet on snatch.com and she picks up the goddamn phone to check Kim Kardashian's IG, she's gonna be real fucking sorry. Why the fuck can't we have a real conversation with someone anymore? Instead of getting to actually know a person, we get to know their Facefuck profiles and random life through Instacrack. Take the time to get to know a motherfucker in real life, in public (less chances of getting stabbed, too, HOLLA), and see what they are like outside of the Facefuck-IG-Twatter madness.

Is this person only funny and seem quasi-normal behind a screen, or does that shit translate to reality? If a person can only make you laugh or show you their "true" self when they are protected by the almighty app, then you need to tell them to kick that iPhone or whatever Razr sidekick they are trying to bring back from the dead. OR, if someone is a Facephony, then you will see that shit when you are out in public and their pre-paid Green Dot card gets declined, but they got pics of hot rods and hot hoes on their shit.

If at any time someone constantly reaches for their phone when on a date, guess what? You know the only date and or relationship this person has is with their fucking phone. Trust me, I fucking get it. Phones these days are fucking addicting as fuck. But if you're on a goddamn date, let alone a first date, keep that shit at home, in the car or it might be up your fucking ass.

Rule #5: Be yourself.
We are all fucking human and everyone is entitled to be themselves. Just like you should be your authentic self, your date should be, too. Remember that you get what you put out in the universe. If you portray a fake version of yourself, your date probably will too, and that shit doesn't work well for anybody. If you are independent and have your shit together, show that shit. Guys or ladies who are worth your time won't be threatened by it. If your date shows you that they are a shit storm of drama waiting to happen, don't ignore it. Most people will try to show their best side on a first date. Being a hot mess on the first outing is a sure sign that things will only go downhill from there. People tend to think that pretending to be someone else is the best thing to do so they can catch, "The One". Or...they think they can change someone into what they want. You know what I gots to say about that?


Don't waste your energy on stuff like that cause people almost always remain true to who they are even if they change for a short time.

Like Facefuck, Instacrack or even motherfucking MySpace, a majority of people are probably 50% of who they perceive to be on the first date. Don't be that motherfucker. Be YOU. Do YOU. Because you is YOU. None of that shit made any fucking sense, but whatever.

Nothing should ever change when you go on these dates. And don't give me that, "I'm just really shy around people." Motherfucker, I bet you won't be shy when you're getting pounded by the dick after he buys you that chocolate lava cake you've been eyeing all night, huh? That's what I thought.

Be yourself because honestly, that goes a long way. Even if he's killing your vibe. Shit, even if you're killing his. Don't let one date, especially if it's bad, be the end all, be all. You feeling me?

There are more rules of dating but since you're just getting back in the game, this is the perfect starting point. These rules will be your guide to finding what the fuck you really want and might surprise you along the way.

Good luck. Find a man. And be fucking happy.

You're Welcome,



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