Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Advice Column: You Got That "Gone Girl" Kinda Future

Dear ghetto genius,

I have been with the same man for the past 3 years. We have had our ups and downs, most of all we've had 2 kids together. We like most couples argue but unlike most couples we never come to a resolution. It seems to me the biggest problem is having our own space. He doesn't want it and I crave it. He wants to spend quality time together but when I agree to to he's either on his phone playing video games or watching TV. I am inside all day with the kids you know stay at home mom gimmic. I cook, I clean, I nurture and put out on a regular basis. He still doesn't want me to spend time with my friends. Its becoming to the point where I can't see myself living like this anymore. He gets jealous of when I need to go somewhere and I look good doing it. I've had 3 kids, getting a chance to straighten my hair is a much needed ego boost. He's a good father and provider, he's just a control freak. He wants to put a ring on it and I'm freaking out. What should I do? How do I fix things with out completely kicking him to the curb.

Looking forward to your insight,


Dear Char,

Pull up a chair, sister-girl, and welcome to H-Bomb's house of brutal fucking honesty. No use in wasting what little time you may have left with the flowery intro, so Imma get right to it. First, let me make myself as clear as a stripper's shoes; Yo man is fucked up in the head. Not in the funny, cute, frat-boy jumping off someone's roof on a skateboard kind of way, but in the chop you up and leave your parts in a ravine kind of way. You see the movie Gone Girl? That movie had some crazy fucking shit in it. If you haven't, I suggest you see it together, for two reasons. 1) You need to see someone else deal with kind of fucked up, crazy, shit you are dealing with and 2), You need to see that movie, so you can see what happens when you put up with that kind of bat-shit-cray for too damn long.

This motherfucker got you living like a ratchet-ass Rapunzel, whose weave fell out, and can't no man, woman, or police officer come and save you. Straightening your hair is a luxury? Oh helllllllllllll naw. I get it, being a mom to three kids is hard as a motherfucker, and I don't doubt you are the bombmom.com, but if your man won't even let you have 25 minutes to fix your hair, so you don't feel like Raggedy-Anne's meth face sister, then he is more than just a "control freak," he's a motherfucking sociopath.

When a man wants you to spend all your time either with him, or taking care of your family, and doesn't want you to have any friends, hobbies, or interests of your own, that is not a not a boyfriend, that is a warden. Did you write this letter from a lady's prison? If so, I am gonna need some Orange is the New Black lesbian love stories, too. Cus that shit is hot. All kidding aside, people in prison actually have more freedom than you. They can have visitors, human interaction, and time to themselves. You have none of those things. See where I am going with this?

You say he is a good provider and father? And? I know a few mens who are GREAT at being a dad, and complete shit at being a partner with Baby Momma. And you know what? That is ok. I am pretty sure that prior to the last 3 years and 3 kids, you manage to get by just fine. You can do this on your own. You just need to realize that, before your kids think you went out for milk and then a few years later they find you floating in the river. I am not trying to be over dramatic here, either. Your man does not sound like he is playing Cards Against Humanity with a full set of answer cards. You savvy? If you don't want your kids to grow up thinking it is ok to lock someone up and throw away the key, then you need to get the hell out of dodge, with a quickness. While your relationship with him is important - what the kids see, mom tired, worn out, always home, SAD, depressed, lonely, begging Daddy for attention, that is what they will take away from all of this. You gotta think about the long term, not just the messed up past and your current fuckery.

With all that being said, I know this kind of extraction can and will take time, but the first thing you gotta do is get it in your mind whether or not this dude is worth fighting with, and for. If you can't picture your life without him, then get some fucking counseling, build some healthy boundaries, set some parameters, so you don't end up losing your shit one day and going all Snapped on his ass and then you are both dead, in jail, or someone is in rehab. Now, if you are Tina in the back of the limo in "What's Love Got To Do With It," then kick his ass, tuck and roll out the limo, and go win your Grammy. Or something to that effect.

Whatever you decide to do, do it all the way. Don't half ass two things, when you can whole ass one thing.

Be easy.


1 comment:

Ultimadragoon89 said...

Spot on H-Bomb, as usual. On a side note, that Donald Glover special may be one of my favorite stand up's ever.