Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Advice Column: That's Not What It's Supposed To Smell Like

Dear GG,

Last weekend, I met this girl at a bar. We completely hit it off all night and by closing time, we go back to her place. In serious J-Wunder fashion, we get naked and start to have sex. Before I go off on my problem, the sex was seriously amazing. Definitely mind blowing. Now to my issue. Near the end of our sexcapade, I noticed something that I couldn't ignore. There was this stench. So bad that I was confused as to why I didn't notice it from the beginning. The girl I was having sex with probably had the worst smelling vagina I have ever witnessed. When I pulled out, it was like I pulled my penis out of a dumpster or something. I headed to the bathroom as if I was going to take a piss just so I can check if maybe she started her period. Nope, nothing. I was my dick off, head back to the bed and we lay in bed and I stay the night. That smell lingered til the next day when I left. The worst part is that my penis smelled like a garbage can for almost a week. What the hell do I do? I like this chick and we've been texting ever since. Do I tell her? Do I give it another chance? What if she wants me to go down on her? Have you ever experienced something like this?

Your help is appreciated.

Smelly Cooch Be Gone

Dear Smelly Cooch Be Gone,

I got your email, was reading it and as I was sipping my Cup of Joe, I almost puked in my cup. That's some disgusting shit, bro. I mean, what in the actual fuck?! You're in a dilemma that I'm sure most men encounter. Hot chick. Dope in bed. Great personality. Has life goals. Independent. Amazing. Just one problem…


Not only that, BUT you and your dick had to suffer because her pussy venom caused your dick to smell like Chinatown on a hot summer day for a whole fucking week. Please don't tell me you fucked another broad during that time? Because if you did, I bet it didn't last long. Bitch probably went down to suck your dick and thought she was eating ass. No joke. Straight up.

I remember back in the day…in my early 20's, I hooked up with a chick. It was kind of like your situation. Hot chick. Sexy. Loved sports. A definite guys girl. We head back to my pad and get it on. Foreplay is an absolute must when it comes to your boy, Ghetto Genius, so I do what I do and of course, go down on this broad. Worst mistake of my fucking life.

QUESTION: Have any of you people reading this column ever dipped your whole head in a swamp with decomposed bodies and about 40 dead sperm whales that were lying in the sun for roughly 2.5 weeks? Well I haven't BUT when I went down on this chick, that is the description of what it smelled like.

From the moment I dove right in, it was all bad. I gagged so fucking bad that I slithered off the bed and puked in my own fucking shoe, bruh. Me. Gagging. Puking in my new Nikes. She says, "What's wrong, baby?" I'm like, "Nothing…I had something in my throat." Glad there was some Usher playing in the background bc she didn't hear what came out of my fucking insides.

What was I to do at that point? Do I finish what I started? Do I pull the infamous, "fake chow"? Do I spit on her clit and pretend my thumb is my tongue on one hand while finger banging her with the other? The more I pepped talked myself while I was between her thighs, the worse that odor was getting. It was like something was dead in there. Maybe a cat. Maybe a fucking baby. Who fucking knows?! All I know was that I had to act and act fast because chicks can only hang on for so long before they A) Pass the fuck out or B) Get the fuck out. I put in work all night so there was no goddamn way I was going to let this chick go. I was going to fuck. I just had to figure out if eating her out was still in the cards. So I did what any homeless person would do when presented with a dumpster full of food behind an Olive Garden…I ate that bitch out.


I ate that pussy and ate it good. But it took everything from holding down the food I had earlier that night, to plugging my nose, holding my breath and taking three second breaks on the side to not lose my shit. She cums and I finally go up to get this party started.

At this point, I'm just numb. The smell is so bad that pretty much my face smells like this chicks zombified vagina. I'm thinking, "She's gonna kiss you and if she throws up on you, that's when you tell her, 'Yo…that ain't my breath, girl. That's your pussy. Did you wash that shit before you went out tonight?'" She goes in for the kiss and isn't even phased. It was like she had ice running through her veins and nothing could destroy what was in her path. She's riding me, and I'm just trying to keep it all together as well as stay hard. "What the fuck is going on right now? I'm about to puke all over this chick's titties because her pussy smells like a dingy ass casino and Ben Gay and she's just rolling with the punches as if she doesn't notice her twat doesn't smell like anything."

The smell is intensifying on my upper lip and there's that bitch, still going to town without a care in the world. I'm at the point where I ask myself, "do I keep going or do I throw her off me and say I can't do it then make up some shit and tell her I'm gay?" I didn't want to go for the latter because if I were to see her again, then I would be that "cute guy who wanted to test his sexuality with girls and it didn't work out" type of shit. Fuck all that noise. I decide to keep going and do everything in my power to cum as fast as I can. But as I predicted, my dick wasn't going to nut any time this century. Too much going on in my head to give my little buddy what he so rightfully deserved.

The longer this went on, the more I kept convincing myself something is dead inside of this woman's vagina. I finally fake an orgasm, make my dick pulse inside her, pull out then spit on my dick for good visual effect when the lights come on. Not dumb to any of my shenanigans, she says, "What is wrong with you?" I couldn't lie and just said, "You smell that? Please tell me you smell that?" She's like, "Smell what?" Then I'm like, "THAT!!! You don't smell that dead carcass?!" She's like, "Are you trying to say something?"

It was then and right then I knew she knew that her pussy stunk. Unless this bitch lost her sense of smell and is the second coming of Helen Keller, there was no fucking denying that she knew that her vagina reeked of horse manure and spoiled milk.

Offended, she left and didn't really put up much of a fight. I ended up catching her before she closed the door and told her, "I'm doing you a favor for the next guy that comes around." Yeah, probably not the best idea as I got the evil eye and a slap to the face. Can you fucking blame me though?

Moral of the story: Be honest. If a chick's pussy smells bad, tell her. She'll probably hate you for it BUT, just know you're doing men who plan to bang her in the future, a favor. Oh, and if she acts like it doesn't, then tell her that shit again.

Time to go puke,



Anonymous said...

All the advice you give and you couldn't tell the poor girl that she probably has caught something and to go to the doctor? All women are educated in hygiene or standards bbecause we have so many young girls,having children. She probably would have appreciated some one politely explaining that they have medications that would clear that funk right on up. Just saying, you were screwing her so like it couldn't have been too bad. Dam near every woman in the world at,some point has had some issues. A mature man wouldn't just point out the problem, he'd suggest a solution as we'll. Awesome blog though. I read you everyday.

Anonymous said...

Next time please explain to any all women that the odor is unbearable, educate her in vd and bacterial infections. You'll be glad you did, they'll give her a shot at the clinic and that smell will be gone the next day. Some girls don't know how to deal with that stuff. That's why they need a man to patiently nor judgmental to explain it's nasty, it's messed up bit as long as you do something about it. Get it take care of it's gonna be alright and whoever been sleepimg with her needs room get their stuff checked too because the symptoms don't show up in men like women so they spread it not even knowing they have it. I read your blog every day and it's the best j-wunder

Anonymous said...

I didn't think my first one posted, excuse me.