Thursday, May 28, 2015

Advice Column: Hang Out With Your Wang Out


Dude I'm not sure what the fuck is wrong with me, but it seems that I'm constantly hunting to get my noodle moist even though I have a girlfriend.  I'll give you a little background information on myself so you can fully understand the gravity of my fuckedupness.

I'm not a bad looking dude by any means.  Bitches like me and give me a second glance when they look my way. I can effectively run game and I do my fair share of Jedi Mind Fucking.  I've had plenty of girlfriends, plenty of one night stands, and more ridiculous encounters with women than my 24 years of boning should allow for.  So here it comes.... I love my girlfriend.  She's a great chick who cares about me, loves me more than anything, thinks my shit don't stink etc etc.  And to the problem again, I cannot stop fucking cheating on her.

It seems like everywhere I go even when I'm with her, I'll see a bitch who make my butthole pucker up and give me a half chub.  This is dead serious, and not some bullshit.  I come home from a night out with the boys at the ungodly hour of 530 in the morning.  I'm stinky drunk.  I'm talking puke on my jeans don't know where your wallet is probably pissed on a fat bitch drunk.  My buddy drops me off and after I army crawled through the front yard and managed to open/fall my way through the front door.  My girl knows that I'm a dirtbag so what's the first thing she says when she sees me? "Pull down your pants and let me smell your dick."  She's dead serious and says this like shes asking how my day at work was.  So what do I do? Fuck it I'm hammered drunk and I've come out of my blackout enough to appease her.  I dropped trow and shoved my meat whistle in her face.  Satisfied, she went to be and left me to pass out in a puddle of my own vomit in my foyer.

Luckily, I didn't wrangle and fatty's that night.  But for real, I can't stop sticking my dink where it don't belong!!! Help!!


Can't stop hanging out with my wang out

Dear Dirty Dick Dancer,

FACT: You could get away with something a thousand times, but it only takes one time to get caught.

Read that again. And again. Then ten times over...AGAIN.

Brother, sorry to break this shit down to you but in all fucking honesty, you don't love her. Wanna know what you love? You love the fact that she puts up with your shit. You love the fact that she's not a crazy bitch. You love the fact that she doesn't tie your ass down like some of these insecure bitches. You love the fact that she's got your back. You love the fact that you take advantage of cheating without her knowing. That's what you love, player. You don't love her. You love pussy. Don't get that shit twisted. I'm just keepin' it 100 with you.

It sounds like you have an amazing ass chick who is "ride or die" for life. How-the-fuck-ever, she knows you're shady. How do I know? Well any broad who asks to smell her mans cock after a night of fuckery, knows his ass IS and MIGHT BE shady. That shit ain't normal man. No trusting girlfriend, wife or even fuck buddy would ever ask a dude to drop trow to see if they could smell some BADUSSY (booty + dick +'re welcome) on their schlong. If I'm wrong, then I better start whipping my dick out in front of every broad I date from now on. You know, since this is the new trustworthy thing to do. GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!

FACT: Ain't nothing wrong loving a woman's national monument.

I love pussy too, bro. I love pussy so much that I ate, slept and dreamt that shit til I was able to control my dick to a point where I wasn't coming home to one after fucking another. See, the problem with guys and gals these days is that we want the best of both worlds. We want a drama free relationship that offers something worth hanging on to. On the flip side, we want to have fun. And by fun, I mean we want to do whatever the fuck we want, when we want, with whoever we want. Basically, we want to fuck other people but still have someone be there as "company" when we get home. It's convincing ourselves that we're in an "open relationship". Problem is, the other motherfucker we're dating, doesn't fucking know. You following me here, homeboy?

See, before my 20's I dated a few broads that thought this way. I was like your girl who was "ride or die" in the relationship while those bitches I was dating, were hooking up with other dudes. When I found out that they were full-on whorecunts, I didn't understand why this was happening to "good 'ol me" til a few years later. Those whorecunt bitches WANTED THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS. And they had it til they got caught. Not by me, but by their own stupid ass doing. This right where you're headed. SOON.

I don't know much, but what I do know is that you have put yourself in a situation where if you don't control your dick, a few things could happen:

1) Your dick and balls will make some new friends - meet genital warts, herpes and dick cheese (and it ain't nacho, player).

2) Your girl is gonna catch you. Not in the act but, when you're drunk and she asks you to drop trow again and your dick ends up smelling like a Seattle fish market, with a hint of asshole and Taco Bell.

3) Your girl is going to dump you. Hey, if the broad is asking to smell your wang, there is only so much wang smelling one girl can take before she decides she wants to leave you because not trusting you is messing with her head. Too bad her way of dealing with it, is giving you a full-on physical every time you walk through that goddamn door hammered.

4) She's gonna cheat on you if she hasn't already. FACT: If someone doesn't trust you even though you haven't given them a reason to, it's because they don't trust themselves OR they have assumed fucked up things to where they're going to go out and do whatever it is they think you're doing.

5) Shit just gets CRAY up in this bitch.

Hey, I get that your girlfriend is like no other girl you've dated. But that means absolutely nothing if you still have the mentality to go out and cheat on her. We all do fucked up shit. But in your case, you can't control your dick and in the end, it's gonna bite you in the ass and you're more than likely to fuck up a good thing. When that happens and you possibly break this girls heart, you, me and every person reading this fucking column knows your gal isn't gonna trust another dude for a long ass time. I'm not saying to stop what you're doing, but think about what you're doing. I'm all for fucking mad bitches. I love beautiful, horny, sexy, slutty, love-you-long-time girls. But why be with someone who might question what the fuck I do if I know what I'm doing is wrong and I possibly have to lie and defend myself...with LIES? Don't sit there and tell me Dickadamus, that you don't lie because if you didn't, you'd be single and I'd be writing some bullshit column on how to get rid of krabs. Wait, what?

Society as a whole is fucking selfish. Whether it be with money, relationships or sex, we want to live the best of both worlds without fucking up a good thing or hurting others...even though what we're doing is straight up, 100%, fucked up. Real talk.

I'm not saying to stop what you're doing, I'm just saying to think about it. Do you love pussy so much that it's worth getting your dick investigated every other day and convincing yourself that you love your girl? You do realize without a girlfriend you can still fuck all the bitches you want, right? No feelings get hurt, you don't look like a fucking scumbag and you live the life you want to live. You're 24 fucking years old. You know what I was doing when I was 24? I was doing what you were doing minus the girlfriend and cock interrogation. Why? Because I didn't want to hassle with the bullshit. I was having fun without the commitment and guilt. Doing whatever the fuck I wanted, when I wanted, with whoever I wanted. But that's just me.

Fuck bitches, play the game, get yours til you and your dick realize you can deal with just one kind of pussy. Otherwise, those five things I listed above are coming for ya. I don't say shit just to say shit...I say it because there's a reason behind it.

Realize, recognize and everything else will be alright.

Much Love,


No comments: