Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Advice Column: Dat Ass Doe...




Dear J-Wunder,

First of all, big fan. Been following you for about 3 years now and can't get enough. Even bought your book which was freaking hilarious. Thanks for the daily laughs. 

So here's my situation - I've been dating this girl for about 3 weeks now and things are good. She dope, super chill and I enjoy my time with her. Well, the other night, we were getting down and dirty and since we were both pretty buzzed from our night out at the bar, I decided to get a little freaky. I go down on her and eat the vagina like it was a box of bagel bites. I love her ass so I decide to go from the front to the back and what happened next was shocking. As I'm going to lick her butthole, I feel something. with my tongue. At first I thought it was something like lint then I went at her booty again and that's when I realized that this chick has a hairy asshole. Like, hair like a dude has hair. Disgusted, I excuse myself to the bathroom and begin to puke. I was so embarrassed that I didn't know what to do so I left. 

I like this chick and we've chatted via text since the incident. I told her I wasn't feeling well and blamed it on the booze, when really, I can't stop thinking about her having a hairy asshole. How do I tell her nicely to shave it? Is that rude? What do I do? 

Appreciate your advice,

Hair Ain't Fair



Dear Hair Ain't Fair,

Damn, dawg...what the fuck did I just fucking read right now?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I'm sorry man, but I read this about 4 times at my desk and literally couldn't stop laughing. You've got to be shitting me right? Anyway, you need help and came to the right place. Have a seat, grab some paper, a pen and let's get started, shall we?

I've been where you've been and let me tell ya, it's pretty fucked up. Actually, it's beyond fucked up. I mean, there you are, getting it on, going down on a chick who has a freshly fucking shaved hoo-ha. Licking that poon like it's the last ice cream cone on earth. She's moaning, groaning and totally into it. You're loving life and think whatever you do down there, it's gonna make her feel amazing. Doesn't matter either...eating the poon while fingering her. Eating the poon while fingering her and tickling her cinnamon ring. Hell, eating the poon and giving her the shocker...no matter what it is, the thoughts going on in your head as she wants more of it, you know things can't and won't go wrong. Then it happens...

You get brave as fuck and decide, "I'm gonna toss this bitches salad." Even if you toss it with light dressing. Don't matter. Salad shall be tossed and appetites will be fulfilled. As you gently creep toward her balloon knot, that rush of excitement and a bit of nerves sinks in. It's like you have this conversation with yourself that kinda goes like this:

"Welp, here we go. I'm gonna lick her asshole like a dog licking peanut butter off my balls. Man, I hope and pray to God she didn't take a dump before we got naked. Damn, what if she did and has a dingleberry hanging out there or leftover toilet paper just chilling? Aaaahhh man, fuck that. No way. This bitch got a nice ass booty so there's no way she leaves her junk in the trunk all fucked up. Time to eat that booty like some groceries..."

Pumped up and horny as fuck, you dive in...your tongue unravels and at first touch, you feel something but ignore it. Then you go deeper into the black hole. Something isn't feeling right. Wait, is that...nah. Then you keep licking hoping what you're feeling isn't what you're really fucking feeling. Oh, fuck no. That's not. No fucking way. For the love of Jesus the Gardener...

This bitch has a hairy fucking butthole.

I just licked a hairy butthole.

One that is not only hairy but hairier than your OWN fucking butthole.

"I didn't even know chicks had hairy buttholes?!"

Well my friend, welcome to the world of motherfucking life.

We can tackle this problem 100 different ways, however, we won't because not that many motherfuckers have that much time. Just know this, a chick with a hairy butthole who knows that they do in fact have a hairy butthole, is plain and simply, fucked up. If I were in your shoes, I probably would have puked while licking her butthole because knowing my sorry ass, I would have gotten some of that anal hair all up in my teeth (bc when I get into it, I mean, I really fucking get into it, dawg). It would have been bad news...all the way around. But luckily for me, it wasn't me. I've been in your situation and let me tell you something, that shit wasn't right. Did it make me feel like she was less worthy? Fuck no. Let's not be stupid people. C'mon now!

Listen, if the bitch is that on-point and the only thing hanging you up is her hairy butthole, you can do one of two things:

1) When you are down there next time, facing your demons, eat her asshole like a Olive Garden house salad with unlimited breadsticks and surprise that ass by tugging on those goat's-eye lashes, son! Make her wonder, "What the fuck was that?! Ouch...did he just pull the hair around my anus with his teeth? OMG, I can't believe he's tossing my salad when I have hair down there." Trust me, give her a reason to feel insecure and she'll have that shit gone by time she makes you breakfast in the morning.

OR

2) Just tell the broad, "Hey honey, don't get mad but, do you mind shaving, waxing, or doing something with that hair you got surrounding your booty hole? It gets in the way when I toss that salad. I don't like string beans in my food, girl. Thanks." She'll probably knock your ass out for telling you this, then dump you, but hey, look at it this way, you saved the next guy the horror of braiding her shit with his teeth.

Then there's actually a third option:

3) Stop eating, playing, tickling or lightly grazing her butthole. I know you love the booty like yours truly, but man, pussy feels and tastes much better. Plus, what if she farted on your tongue, bro? Do you know how fucked up that would be? Better yet, what if she had Mexican food and totally had a pinto bean just chilling there? Unless you're planning on making a tostada down there, that shit ain't the fucking business.

It's not rocket science. Stick with your girl and use one of these three options. Oh, and stop being a pussy. A little hair never hurt anybody. Well, unless it make that shit smell like an armpit. Then that's when you choke a bitch...and run.

Bye Felicia,

Ghetto Genius


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