Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Advice Column: "Paging Doctor Ghetto Genius..."

So I'm going to get straight to the point. I have relationship and body issues. I'm convinced that I have horrible B.O. (body odor); and although my family, which is mostly women, claim they can't smell it I believe that men can.

1. I've had reoccurring BV (Bacterial Vaginosis) for years now and I'm afraid that I've become so accustom to the odor that I can no longer detect it.

2. Do you think my family members are lying to me and telling me that I don't smell b/c they think it's my natural B.O. considering I've had it off and on for years?

3. I think men can smell it more b/c their senses are more sensitive to vaginal odor.

4. I'm not sure if people think I smell or my behavior b/c I think I smell is causing people to behave oddly around me.

4.5 People keep saying a man wouldn't touch me if I smelled. Would a man have sex (oral/intercourse) with a woman if she has a fishy odor?

5. I use to have a really awesome job in California and I worked out occasionally and enjoyed my weekends. I've gained weight (40lbs) and quit my awesome job and moved back home... The other day I looked in the mirror and thought "damn you really let yourself go". So the question is could someone be ugly and honestly believe their gorgeous? What would you rate me on a scale of 1-10?

What do you think? I really want someone's honest opinion about it and you seem to be quite frank.

Dear Chick Who Thinks She Stanks Like A Dirty Butthole,

Never in my wildest fucking dreams did I think I would be back (after a short ass retirement) blogging. But here I fucking am. Back and ready to take on anything that comes (and cums) my way. I hope you're not a sensitive little vagina because Big Game J-Wunder is about to spit some knowledge and truth. Have a seat because shit is about to get REAL.

FACT: You stink. Probably like some old ass Chinese food. Maybe cheese. Possibly a landfill that was just shit on by 1 million seagulls with diarrhea.

Now, the reality is if you think you smell, you probably fucking smell. How bad? I have no fucking clue. Do you want to puke when you get a solid deep breath in, around your lady parts? Armpits reek of a homeless man's asshole? Vagina smell like a dried out aquarium? How bad is bad? Well, ask yourself, "Would I eat my pussy if I was a dude" and if the answer is no, then it's pretty bad, Sweet Tits.

But I will be honest because you did ask...if you smell fishy, the only dude that is gonna eat your box are the following type of men:

1) A very drunk and blacked out, Romeo.
2) A very desperate man.
3) A virgin...this is a plus for you because he will think pussy is supposed to smell like a Benihana's.
4) A man who lost his sense of smell...again, plus for you.
5) A man who just loves pussy no matter what it smells like.

You're probably saying, "Well isn't #5 all men?" Nah, boo. Take it from your boy...I love me some of the Tampon Tunnel but if your Stench Trench smells like something you possibly killed 3 weeks ago, I'm probably gonna puke on you, run out of your house and never call your ass again. It's all fun and games until your Cock Socket is smelling like some funny business...you feeling me right now?

On the flip side, would dudes bang you even if you smelled like some Return of the Living Dead shit? Of course. I mean, his dick will probably smell like the toxic version of Fun Dip for a week but if he wears a Jimmy Cap, he should be all good. UNLESS, your vaginal fluids are so potent, it just seeps right through that rubber like the motherfucking Blob. That shit would not be cool.

I've been on both sides of the coin where I went down on a chick who smelled like her grandmother's decomposed body and about died. I've also banged a broad who smelled like a goddamn tomato cannery plant. How did I get through both scenarios. Simple...

With the girl whose box I munched, I threw the fuck up and told her I was too drunk. It wasn't weird because we were drunk. But her pussy smelled so rancid I thought I lost a bet and had to eat dog shit. Yeah, not sure when was the last time she took a shower. It was that fucking bad. Never spoke to her again.

However, with the other girl, I did my thing. We banged with unpleasant scents hovering around like a dense fog, but it wasn't as bad as being up close and personal to the smell. It's amazing what the advantages of the doggy style position can help avoid. Don't get it twisted though, the smell was awful and my cock smelled like a corn on the cobb tossed around a 3rd World Country for 40 days (that's the price you pay for loving the RAW DOG). I think she knew something was up when the next two times we had sex, we were in the shower. That was the end of that.

So to answer your question after my diatribe of bullshit:

1) Talk to a doctor about it and see what they say and if there is something to help the cause.

2) Tell your family to man the fuck up and be honest. If you know you smell like shit, you know they know you smell like shit. That's fucked up BTW if they aren't real with you.

3) Next time you think you're about to hit the skins with a dude, do the simple thing: ASK. Ask him if he thinks you smell like a fish market. But if you do it with a dude, make sure it's with someone you could care less about ever seeing again. Trust.

4) You gained 40 pounds and you know what? You about a 7.

Don't let this bullshit hold you down. You think a dude with coat hanger dick makes him feel depressed? FUCK NO. You know what he does? Motherfuckers finds ways to still fuck bitches and let those bitches know that even with a dick that's handicapped, he still can lay down the pipe where broads forget about it and keep coming back for more.

Happy New Year,


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