Monday, April 6, 2020

Tiger King Ep 7: A New Regime

"It's a collaboration between two of the most notorious assholes in the industry."

It was at this moment I realized that J-Wundercunt and I aren't Joe Exotic and Saff, we are Jeff Lowe and Tim Stark. Except we wouldn't let the feds anywhere near each other, and we most certainly wouldn't let them dig around, literally, and find a bunch of bullshit to pin on one of us. We ride together, we die together. Fuck that bedazzled ass jeans wearing, Affliction sporting, possibly Carole Baskins first husband looking motherfucker, Jeff Lowe, and his creepy ass, methed out, crazy side kick, Tim Stark. When we came up with the phrase Monkey Mouth Bitch, it was this dude we were talking about. Probably a monkey fucker, too. And how about that makeover that Tim Stark got from the beginning of the episode to the end. He first comes out looking like he is tryna grub quarters off people on the side of the freeway for a hit of smack, then he looks like he finally got that hot meal, a shower, and nap he needed. Bro had on a goddamn collard shirt and a newsboy cap like some 3rd Rate Oklahoma Hipster. Prove us wrong.

And you know what else? Fuck James Garretson's manatee looking ass. Don't get it twisted, I love all the manatees, but if this overweight hedge hog looking motherfucker was in the water, I would hope he accidentally got run over by a boat not paying attention to low speed signs on the waterway. The reason he thinks Jeff will be indicted before him is cus that chubby shape shifter never has the same look for more than a few days. I didn't think a fat person could flip so fast, but they say shit rolls downhill and this sad excuse for a human wombat is about to start a shit avalanche. If I was on the jury and this dude was testifying, I wouldn't believe a word oozing out of his warm, buttered filled mouth. I bet when he was testifying he got hungry and his mouth got dry, because it had been 15 minutes since his last feeding, and he would get that nasty string of spittle in the corners of his mouth.

How come all of a sudden everyone is turning on Joe, letting him rot in that jail, not even able to properly take care of his luxurious mullet and curls, which we know is his sex appeal. John Finlay calls it when he said that he didn't see anyone there for Joe, not one person there on his side, but that 3 Toothed Sloth even said he was trying to save his own ass. He wasn't too concerned about his himself when he was serving it up to Joe on a platter for some meth and kitties. It's real fucked up how all these motherfuckers that were sucking on Joe's teet when he was plush with meth and big cats, are now running so fast to turn on him and send him up the river. You know who knows what's up though? That hot piece of Oklahoma newscaster ass, Sylvia Corkill. She is the only one that sees through this bullshit of everyone turning on Joe, and she has everyone's number. I hope she keeps digging and helps Free Joe Exotic. Also, if you are reading this, Sylvia, holla at ya girl, H-Bomb, in Florida, when this Coronavirus BS is over. I don't have meth, but I have a kitty that needs to be petted.

Now that you got a little glimpse of what the fuck happened in episode 7, J-Wun and I are here to break it down together.

Jeff Lowe and Tim Stark partner up and take over the zoo empire while Joe's crazy ass is locked up prior to the trial.

FEDS end up raiding Joe's property and what do they find while digging around (literally) - some motherfucking tiger bones and skulls. Joe now has 20 goddamn charges against him. Everything from murder for hire to killing tigers and selling those little cute fuckers to other fuckers who are probably trying to do the same shit that these current fuckers are doing. He was facing 79 amazing years at Oklahoma's finest state penitentiary.

James Garretson now wants a piece of the zoo from Jeff. Lowe was like, "Fuck that, you South Park character looking, motherfucker." James then tells the story of how Jeff basically set Joe up and got his ass locked up. Put this snitch in the hood, dude would have already been dead. Don't @ us.

John Reincke said it best: "I'm involved in a federal murder for hire plot. Who'd thought. Just bc I stopped by a zoo to feed a bear one day." Poor motherfucker. I really liked JR. Loyal cat that was just there to make sure he was doing the right thing. Which begs the did this guy who has worked with Joe THE LONGEST, never took the stand or was asked to take the stand?! Ain't that some shit? Anyway...

Trial is about to begin and everyone who is anyone is called to testify.

Erik Cowie, being one of those dudes who planned to testify looked like he was one more shot of vodka or heroin away from being on Intervention. Talk about a guy that either wanted this saga or his life to fucking end, amiright? Love this fucking dude, nonetheless.

John Finlay, who H-Bomb mentioned earlier was looking out for himself as soon as the meth ran out and his balls could take a break, testified and with no hesitation tells the jury, "Yeah, this motherfucker did all that shit you heard about."

Then in a surprise, maybe not so surprising testimony, Fat Fuck Magee, James Garretson, tells the goddamn court that it was not Joe, BUT motherfucking Jeff Lowe who was the one trying to get this bitch, Carole Baskin, killed and basically framed Joe's gay ass so he could get the zoo. Is Jeff the real con man people make him out to be or nah? The answer is simple - FUCK YES! Did this motherfucker who looks like he still goes to high school parties testify? FUCK NO!

Fast forward to Allen Glover. Man, where the hell do I begin with this dude? He is pure gold. He's like an angel that came down from the nearest Quick Stop with some crackheads who have contracted the Whoronavirus in the streets of Oklahoma and is now the voice of reason after all this drama. I mean, you know shit is a little special when they interview this dude while he was chillin' in the bathtub of a Red Roof Inn. And not just any Red Roof Inn. This place had the tub in the actual living room. Not even in the fucking bathroom. Straight up in an open area with carpet. Now, I could be wrong bc I was pretty high when I was watching this shit, so if I am, please don't @ me and think you know everything bc FUCK YOU. Kidding. Not really.

Here's how it ends...

Trial resumes and Joe, as much as I love and hate this motherfucker, decides to take the stand like a PURE FUCKING TWAT. Mind you, this was AFTER his own defense team was like, "You ain't saying shit. Sit your ass down and let this thing play out." Joe, being the man with all the answers was like, "NOPE." No fucks given for Joe. I mean, what the fuck did he really have to lose though, right? Let's just say, after final arguments, and a few hours in deliberation, this gun toting, mullet having, meth loving, gayer than a 3 dollar bill ex-zoo owner was guilty of all 20 charges and was sentenced to 22 years in goddamn federal state prison.

Now, one would think the dust has settled and justice has been served. Hell fucking no. Tim and Jeff cut ties because Tim discovers that Jeff is broke as fuck and played his ass like a banjo. So while Joe is sitting his country ass in prison, tables have turned against Jeff and every goddamn person is out to get his ass.

Is the story over? Has justice really been served? Who can any of us really trust? Is that bitch, Carole Baskin, free of all the rumors that her crazy ass fed her first husband to the tigers? Those are questions that we all want answers to and just when we thought Episode 7 was the goddamn end, the world got hit with a motherfucking surprise, y'all...


That said, hold onto your fucking seats because shit is either gonna get really interesting or we will be in for some real disappointment.

Until then, peace the fuck out!

J-Wun and H-Bomb

1 comment:

Kym said...

I thought he got 22 years?