Friday, April 3, 2020

Tiger King Ep 6: Joe Behind The Throne

Episode 6 tried to fucking trick us...HARD. But you know what? Those motherfuckers weren't tricking me. Nope. Fuck that. No way, no how.

This episode gets straight to the good shit bc at this point, who the fuck needs blue balls or hard nips for shits and giggles, right? Back in Vegas, Jeff Lowe gets busted for having two tigers, (58) 9mm's, (5) buckshot's, (1) fucking flashlight (but is it the kind of flashlight on a goddamn gun? Who the fuck would confiscate that?! Well, unless it was one of those bad ass mag lights. Those sonsofbitches are expensive) and (1) receipt with an envelope.

And if that wasn't odd as fuck, this fool straight up had a goddamn Zoom court hearing on the day of his sentencing. This broke-ass Fred Durst looking motherfucker was gonna get sentenced to 179 days in the joint if he violated probation. That said, Joe caught wind of all this and knew Jeff was coming for him since he knew Joe was pulling some shady shit by basically laundering money through GW Zoo.

Our boy, Mr. Exotic, was probably like, "Fuck this straight, non-meth using, tiger having, Affliction wearing, nowhere near as gay as me, little bitch. He ain't seeing any financial shit NO.MATTER.WHAT."  So this fool Jeff decides to go to the bank to check out the last year of any person who just bailed out someone who lost their sorry ass to Carole fucking Baskin would do. Sure enough, shit was all kinds of fucked up and lo and behold, Jeff finds out that the goddamn FEDS were watching this motherfucker Joe. Worst part, Joe gave no fucks and got so desperate with money, tigers and meth that this dude was straight forging Jeff's name on checks his ass was writing to every Tom, Dick and Harry out there.

Jeff got HEATED and wasn't fucking around any mo'. He tells Joe's bitch ass to leave the fucking property bc he can't have another felony per his Zoom trial sentencing. So Joe was like, "Fuck all this gay shit. I'm gonna burn any sort of shit that shows I was laundering money." His hit records.? Flame on, bitch. Laptops? Can't say I've ever seen one of them bitches before. Pretty much, any goddamn clue that will tie him to a crime, BYE FUCKING BYE...just like them lyrics from N'Sync. Oh, and fuck Carole Baskin.

At this point, Joe started to act like a true meth head. The man we all needed since the beginning of this whole fucking shit show,  ended up stealing some animals from the goddamn zoo and sold those fuckers just to stay afloat.

Then, in a blink of a stripper's butthole, Joe went AWOL to never be seen again.

*cue Joe Exotic heartfelt music video*

Joe and his gay-gay husband, Dillion, move to some undisclosed location in bum fuck Oklahoma. They raise two tiger pups and from what we can tell, it seems as if Joe is a changed man. Not only that, it's looking like we are actually getting the most raw version of Joe that we've seen through this entire fucking show. It was like Joe released the Exotic and was reborn as Joe Maldonado Passage.

One thing was certain though...he still hates that bitch, Carole Baskin. Shit, my mom hates Carole Baskin. Jesus himself probably hates her ass too. But I digress...

Even though the man who is gayer than a 3 dollar bill had good intentions and cared for the animals, there is no fucking doubt that his ass was overtaken by ego, fame, sex, meth, turning straight men into gay men, then having those men put it in his raisin loaf...oh, and money. The devil now turned angel, took a turn real quick. It's like, "Why, bruh? Why you trying to play us? You the devil. Always have been. Always will be." Now, that's not to say that the devil is bad...just this version is really fucked up and he needs to remove whatever dick is in his mouth and take a deep breath and realize what the fuck is really going on. Which brings us to what happens next...

Soon after he vanished, rumor has it that Joe was trying to put a hit on that guessed it...Carole fucking Baskin.

Into the picture now comes James Garretson. He gets asked if the rumors were true. Sure enough, this dude had no shame and served up a rat fucking sandwich. For you slow motherfuckers out there, that means he said, "Hell yeah he put a hit out on that bitch, Carole Baskin. I'm telling the whole fucking world so they know what the fuck is up." Not word for word, but you get what I'm saying. He's a fucking snitch.

Now, shit is starting to unravel at the speed of fucking light. Allen Glover gets caught up in the mix and was asked try Joe to kill Carole fucking Baskin with a goddamn crossbow. If there's anywhere you can get by walking around in some goddamn camo with a motherfucking crossbow and have no one say shit to's fucking Florida, people.

So at this point, James Garretson, the man who got in trouble with the FEDS over owning a fucking lemur (btw, I know lemurs got soft ass hands...what the fuck did you buy one for, fool?) agrees to be a confidential informant...side note: why the fuck when they do slow-mo's of this fat fuck that he always tries to look like an outlaw?! It's some sort of meth western if you ask me. Anyway...

This shit is turning into some fucked up, white trash version of We Bought A Zoo.

Joe wants in his heart of gay hearts to have that bitch Carole dead. As soon as humanly possible too. So of course, he picks the craziest, drugged out with a side of no fucks given person who happens to be Allen fucking Glover to end that broad's life. Garretson picks up on that shit and tells the feds, that Glover is gonna kill Thundercunt Carole. Y'all need to hurry the fuck up before she asks for a manager. You know how that woman rolls.

Things are getting pretty goddamn real so Allen Glover decides to prep like a true white trash assassin that he is by drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon, some of Oklahoma's finest moonshine, tons of blow and a bit of meth for good measure. I mean, if I'm gonna kill a motherfucker, I better get some shit that is gonna give me enough courage to do that shit. I ain't O.J. in this bitch.

Glover makes his move and heads to Florida to go and kill our favorite hoe, Carole.
James Garretson like the fat fuck informant he is, text Allen to confirm the crackhead has landed at home base when the element of surprise happens...Glover's like, "Plans changed, bitch. I'm headed back home to drink some beers and see some titties. A dead Carole gonna have to wait, bruh." Again, not in those exact words but you get what I'm fucking saying. Sometimes, 3 grand and a possible murder conviction doesn't outweigh getting fucked up and seeing some big ass bongos when you live in the South. What is life?

The FEDS get pissed and tell fat fuck Columbo (Garretson) to find another way to get Joe to pay some other dude to murder this goddamn cockroach who won't die, Carole. An undercover agent rolls with this Haley Joel Osment looking motherfucker to see if they can get this deal done. Text messages get exchanged, promises were made and a deal was finally agreed upon. They think they got Joe right where they want him, right? Nah, bruh. Joe is broke as fuck to even pay to have Carole killed, so ain't no one dying anytime soon.

Time to fast forward to Garretson and Jeff Lowe. Garretson admits to Jeff that he's working with the FEDS to try and bust Exotic for basically every law they could bust him for. Jeff is like, "Damn man. That's fucked up. By the way, I got some shit for you. Yeah, so...this gay looking Allan Jackson motherfucker was gonna pay Allen Glover to kill that bitch Carole. I think it was for like 5 grand, some meth and a reach around, topped off with a rusty trombone." FEDS work with Lowe, get him as another informant and by this time, Joe is really FUCKED. Like, for real for more of this soap opera shit.

Joe and his gay-gay hubs bounce and try and hide out to some remote fucking place and act as if they now reside in Belize based on their social media accounts. Like James Garretson noted, that picture in Belize was bullshit because that water was some goddamn Florida pan handle water. What kind of water in Belize looks a bunch of homeless people been bathing in it, huh? SMH.

At this moment, we cue the goddamn FEDS and every law enforcement officer known to man. 5 cars and trucks surround this dude and get his ass. Case closed. Or is it???

Joe is finally in custody then this bitch, Carole, gets on her little fucking kitty cat webcam and announces to her following that Joe Exotic was arrested for trying to get her ass killed. I'm still heated, y'all. Not sure at who because once again, I'm fucked up as I'm writing this shit. LOL. But I digress...

Keep America Exotic Again is now in prison awaiting trial but while locked up, he speaks to the local news and basically says how he's been stripped of his clothes, right, identity and dignity. Ummm...bruh...not sure if you fucking know this but, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GO TO PRISON FOR A MURDER FOR HIRE OR ANY FUCKING CRIME!!!! How much meth and cock has gone to your fucking head, dick boy?! For fuck's sake. Cry me a fucking river why don't you.


This dude acting like he's Martha fucking Stewart.

Meanwhile back at the ranch...

Jeff is like, fuck this shit. This zoo got too much heat with shit going down so let's pick up shop and relocate. And relocate they did, my friends.

What's next? We'll see when H-Bomb shares her review of Tiger King Ep. 7.

Until next time...


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