Thursday, December 31, 2020
Wednesday, December 23, 2020
Thursday, December 17, 2020
Friday, December 11, 2020
Thursday, December 10, 2020
Thursday, December 3, 2020
Thursday, November 26, 2020
Sunday, November 22, 2020
Thursday, November 19, 2020
Wednesday, November 11, 2020
Thursday, November 5, 2020
Monday, November 2, 2020
Friday, October 30, 2020
50 Things That Happened or You're Guilty of Doing During COVID-19
1) Got laid off and started an Only Fans Page.
2) While working from home, you left to go to the store (Target, WalMart, Sex Toy shop) and got a message from your boss that something was needed right away.
3) Got pregnant or got someone pregnant.
4) Divorced/separated.
5) Found QAnon and believed that Wayfair shit was real.
6) Took advantage of PornHub's free Premium service; subsequently found the end of PornHub.
7) Went on a Zoom Date; Realized Zoom dating is wack, went back to PornHub.
8) Was worried that your COVID-19 swab test would show massive trace amounts of cocaine. Which it did.
9) Believed back in March that this would be over in 6 weeks and was thankful to Tiger King for the distraction.
10) Realized it is almost November and lamented again that this is both the longest and fastest moving year and curse every time you see a news article about someone opening a sarcophagus or digging up some sacred archeological relic, like WHY?? Stop fucking with shit so we can get over this.
11) Drank WAY too much.
12) Ate WAY too much.
13) Went on a diet.
14) Fell off your diet.
15) Repeated #11 and #12 again.
16) Cried in the corner of the shower almost every day.
17) Realized you aren't cut out to die alone.
18) Realized you miss people so much that if you got invited to see them and all your friends, you wouldn't show up.
19) Became a banana bread and sourdough making MOTHERFUCKER.
20) Females cut or dyed their hair only to fuck it up...badly.
21) Guys discovering the shape of their head is actually really fucked up after cutting their own hair.
22) Cry before ANOTHER Zoom meeting.
23) Wish a motherfucker would.
24) Found a new hobby.
25) Quit the new hobby 2 minutes into it.
26) Amazon Primed like a motherfucker.
27 Dogs adopted EVERYWHERE (thank you, Jesus!).
28) Screamed at the top of your lungs, "When the fuck is this year gonna be over?!"
29) Realized your kids teacher was right all this time that they are, in fact, a little fucking asshole.
30) You never thought you’d spend so much money on “snacks”.
31) Played games of chance while looking at the scale and crossing your fingers you didn’t gain any weight while holding the pants you haven’t put on in 8 months.
32) Not put actual pants on in 8 months.
33) Rotate the same 3 outfits during the week and not give any fucks.
34) Spoke under your breathe multiple times a day, “Please God, don't make me let them see these hands..."
35) Spoke to the Manager.
36) Motherfucker'd like a motherfucker.
37) Asked yourself, "What the fuck am I going to do with all this goddamn toilet paper?!"
38) Shook your head in shame after wasting all your hard earned money on canned goods back in March...bc the "world was going to end" apparently.
39) Masturbated...A LOT.
40) Made new friends via online gaming. COD anyone?
41) Sent a dick pic.
42) Received a dick pic.
43) Cried while you ate.
44) Smiled while you ate.
45) Re-evaluated your life situation while you ate...FAT ASS.
46) Finished Netflix, HULU and Prime Video.
47) Social distanced from life bc let's be honest...2020 IS FUUUUUUUCKED UP!
48) Tik Tok'd.
49) Got so overly excited that you were finally going to do some DIY projects at your house only to realize that your house now looks like a fucking bomb went off and there's nowhere to eat, sleep, shit or hide.
50) Waiting patiently for 2021 to not fuck us over.
Thursday, October 29, 2020
Friday, October 23, 2020
Tuesday, October 20, 2020
Friday, October 9, 2020
75 Thoughts Everyone Has When Hungover At Work
1. I will make it through this day I will make it through this day.
2. If I survived public transport I can survive eight hours of pretending to work.
3. Maybe if I keep a low profile no one will know I’m wearing the same clothes as yesterday.
4. And that I’m drinking Coke at 9am.
5. And that I smell of Jagerbombs.
6. And disappointing sex.
7. Clutching onto an egg McMuffin like it’s your last bit of crack is probably a bit suspicious though.
8. Thank you McMuffin for bringing light into an otherwise dark and twisted world.
9. Not eating last night was a mistake.
10. A mistake among many other horrible mistakes.
11. Like telling Amy from accounts my dream about David Attenborough doing some very sexy ironing.
12. And how turned on I was by it.
13. Very turned on.
14. Why does everyone looks so productive?
15. Look at them, working.
16. LOSERS, ALL OF YOU.
17. I do NOT want to be here.
18. Oh god, John is asking me about a report already.
19. WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME JOHN?
20. Can you not see I’m in no fit state to talk to you about fucking bar charts John?
21. I’m eating a double sausage and egg McMuffin and drinking a can of fucking Coke FOR CHRIST’S SAKE JOHN.
22. I think he’s noticed I’m basically brain dead.
23. The drool was a nice touch.
24. Albeit completely involuntary.
25. I just want to go home.
26. Would anyone even notice me if I left?
27. I’m really not important here guys.
28. Just fire me.
29. I fuck everything up anyway.
30. I don’t even know how to use the printer.
31. Maybe I’ll force them to fire me.
32. I’ll punch John in the face.
33. No, need money.
34. Money to keep up this shameless, hedonistic lifestyle.
35. I’m like Jordan fucking Belfort.
36. What is our CEO doing on this floor?
37. Nothing to see here Madam CEO, just me working on some very important slides.
38. Some very important slides that just say “slides” but in different colours.
39. Quite good really.
40. God, I don’t want to do anything.
45. Turns out pretending to work is harder than actually working.
46. I’m just gonna go to the loo, if I’m lucky I’ll be sick.
47. Or I’ll have a poo.
48. The toilet is so warm.
49. I’ll just close my eyes for a second.
50. Or a minute.
51. Maybe an hour.
52. SHIT HOW LONG HAVE I BEEN HERE?
53. How is it only 11am?
54. This is the longest day in the history of man.
55. Someone save me.
56. I’m gonna take lunch early and have another nap in the supplies cupboard.
57. Wait who’s in here?
58. Oh, just another desperate colleague filled with all-consuming shame.
59. Feel a bit better about myself now.
60. Boozy lunch at the pub is being discussed.
61. This could go two ways.
62. I could feel better, hair of the dog and all that.
63. Or, I could feel worse and be sick everywhere and have to go home.
64. Either way I win I guess.
65. This is probably the best decision I’ve made all week.
66. Well that was probably the worst decision I’ve made all week.
67. That, and letting David Attenborough undress me with his feet.
68. I’m going to stare at my screen and think about my life choices.
69. Thank god Friday is not even a real working day.
70. Can people not see the pain I am in?
71. Everyone’s clocking off at 5 and fucking off to the pub.
71. Maybe I can slip out too as if I’m going with them.
73. Then run off home and question my entire existence.
74. Or I could just go to the pub and do it all again…
75. WAIT FOR ME JOHN!