50 Things That Happened or You're Guilty of Doing During COVID-19

 

1) Got laid off and started an Only Fans Page. 

2) While working from home, you left to go to the store (Target, WalMart, Sex Toy shop) and got a message from your boss that something was needed right away. 

3) Got pregnant or got someone pregnant.

4) Divorced/separated. 

5) Found QAnon and believed that Wayfair shit was real.

6) Took advantage of PornHub's free Premium service; subsequently found the end of PornHub.

7) Went on a Zoom Date; Realized Zoom dating is wack, went back to PornHub.

8) Was worried that your COVID-19 swab test would show massive trace amounts of cocaine. Which it did. 

9) Believed back in March that this would be over in 6 weeks and was thankful to Tiger King for the distraction.

10) Realized it is almost November and lamented again that this is both the longest and fastest moving year and curse every time you see a news article about someone opening a sarcophagus or digging up some sacred archeological relic, like WHY?? Stop fucking with shit so we can get over this. 

11) Drank WAY too much.

12) Ate WAY too much.

13) Went on a diet.

14) Fell off your diet.

15) Repeated #11 and #12 again.

16) Cried in the corner of the shower almost every day.

17) Realized you aren't cut out to die alone.

18) Realized you miss people so much that if you got invited to see them and all your friends, you wouldn't show up. 

19) Became a banana bread and sourdough making MOTHERFUCKER.

20) Females cut or dyed their hair only to fuck it up...badly.

21) Guys discovering the shape of their head is actually really fucked up after cutting their own hair.

22) Cry before ANOTHER Zoom meeting.

23) Wish a motherfucker would.

24) Found a new hobby.

25) Quit the new hobby 2 minutes into it.

26) Amazon Primed like a motherfucker.

27 Dogs adopted EVERYWHERE (thank you, Jesus!).

28) Screamed at the top of your lungs, "When the fuck is this year gonna be over?!"

29) Realized your kids teacher was right all this time that they are, in fact, a little fucking asshole.

30) You never thought you’d spend so much money on “snacks”.

31) Played games of chance while looking at the scale and crossing your fingers you didn’t gain any weight while holding the pants you haven’t put on in 8 months.

32) Not put actual pants on in 8 months.

33) Rotate the same 3 outfits during the week and not give any fucks.

34) Spoke under your breathe multiple times a day, “Please God, don't make me let them see these hands..." 

35) Spoke to the Manager. 

36) Motherfucker'd like a motherfucker.

37) Asked yourself, "What the fuck am I going to do with all this goddamn toilet paper?!"

38) Shook your head in shame after wasting all your hard earned money on canned goods back in March...bc the "world was going to end" apparently.  

39) Masturbated...A LOT.

40) Made new friends via online gaming. COD anyone?

41) Sent a dick pic.

42) Received a dick pic. 

43) Cried while you ate.

44) Smiled while you ate. 

45) Re-evaluated your life situation while you ate...FAT ASS. 

46) Finished Netflix, HULU and Prime Video. 

47) Social distanced from life bc let's be honest...2020 IS FUUUUUUUCKED UP!

48) Tik Tok'd.

49) Got so overly excited that you were finally going to do some DIY projects at your house only to realize that your house now looks like a fucking bomb went off and there's nowhere to eat, sleep, shit or hide. 

50) Waiting patiently for 2021 to not fuck us over. 

Tiger King Ep 2: Big Cats, No Limbs, Polygamy OH MY!

What in the actual fuck have we gotten ourselves into with Episode 2, y'all?! Right out the fucking gate, Kelci, better known as "Saff", got her motherfucking arm eating off by a goddamn tiger. A FUCKING TIGER. YOU KNOW, THAT SHIT YOU SEE ON ANIMAL PLANET FROM TIME TO TIME...AND ARE LIKE, "THAT'S A BIG MOTHERFUCKING CAT."

First off, who has enough balls to put their arm through a fucking fence with a tiger chillin' on the other side?! Apparently this bad ass bitch. The craziest part was that she just laid there all calm and shit like she sprained an ankle.

The Tiger King comes to the rescue, wraps her no arm having ass up, and gets her ass to the hospital. Big ups to this motherfucker throwing on an EMT jacket, btw. Massive flex if you ask me.

I don't know what the fuck is in the water out there in Wynnewood, OK, but this bitch "Saff" went to work 5 days after getting her fucking arm amputated. Now, if that shit don't deserve a goddamn raise and promotion to CEO or whatever the fuck the rank is there, then I don't know what the fuck to say. Moving on...

Episode 2 gave us a glimpse into all these fools lives. Let's do the breakdown, shall we?

Joe Exotic - not much screen time on this episode. However, the more and more I looked at this dude, I realized if you mixed crystal meth and a can of Hamm's, this dude would form. And is it me, or Joe can make a music video of just about anything and think it's actually MTV worthy? Let's not forget about this dude and his two boyfriends - John Finlay and Travis. Hey John, meth is a helluva drug, bruh. This dude's teeth are so bad, that they've been practicing social distancing for years. The guy sucks dick ONE TIME and all of the sudden he's gay. Wait, what?! LOL. Moving on to Joe's other man Travis. This poor fucking kid is lost as fuck. Moves from Southern California to Oklahoma and one of the first thing he says is that he has big hands and big ass feet. Can you imagine the foot jobs he be giving Joe at night while he gets his stink ring tickled? Polygamy at its finest, folks!

Carole Baskin - I tried giving this bitch a chance and you know what? She is a cunt. And I swear to Jesus the Gardner, if I have to hear "Hey there all you cool cats and kittens" one more motherfucking time, I might happily volunteer and get run over by a goddamn bus while getting hit by every car along the way. Everything about her is suspect. From her "intern" program and making her staff work around the clock to the end of this episode where all of the sudden, her millionaire husband goes missing. We know you ain't right, Carole. We see right through your Kabala looking ass. Namaste, bitch.

Howard Baskin - all I have to say is that this dude looks like a priest who plays with little boys weiners. Next.

Rick Kirkham - if a cigarette and cigar had a kid, it would be this motherfucker. You know this dude never met a smoke he didn't like. For real though, he's probably the most sane dude on the show. Why he decided to produce Joe's stuff? It's because like us, he loves watching a train wreck you can't turn away from. Rick be looking puzzled every time he fucking talks.

Bhagavan "Doc" Antle - Doc is a mix between a 70's porn star, R. Kelly, Indiana Jones and a dad that wears Crocs with jean shorts and a white polo. This fool is a doctor of Mystical Science. I wish I was fucking lying. First of all, what in the actual fuck is that?! Mystical Science?! Motherfucker, you kick it with Harry Potter or something? GTFOH!!! Mystical Science my ass. The only thing mystical is your 3 wives titties. Which brings me to my next observation...this guy rolls like Joe and has 3 chicks by his side. I mean, his nickname is "Lord" and apparently, he digs chicks that are pretty much virgins. Instead of "Lord", we need to call this dude "The Virgin Surgeon".  Doc has so much pull that he even changes his chicks names. "Hey Lisa, your name is now Taint Goblin"...shit like that. Like Joe, he hates Carole. Basically, every motherfucker hates Carole. She'll probably read this column then ask to speak to the manager after.

Mario Tabraue - I'm not even joking when I say this but, he's the goddamn Scarface of the big cat world. Used to be a big time drug dealer, chopped some motherfuckers up, got caught slippin' and served his time. Now, he runs his own shit and has a bunch of exotic animals and like Joe and Doc, has a zoo. One that he calls "dummy proof". I'm gonna go out on a limb and say he probably still deals drugs since he does after all have a high security and guarded property...like who you ask? Scarface, motherfuckers! DO NOT MESS WITH THIS MAN. If anyone should be afraid of anyone, it's this dude.

How will Episode 3 turn out? This is the train wreck that we can't turn away from, people. Especially since this episode ended with Carole's millionaire husband missing. Shit is about to get really fucking real if you ask me!

Until then...peace the fuck out!

J-Wun

Tiger King Ep 1: The Hero We Didn't Need; The Hero We Deserved

Picture it: South Florida, March 2020. You are quarantined in your house, like a proverbial caged lion. You flip on Netflix, because why the fuck not, and all at once you feel hot, flushed, you're  breathing heavy, you can feel your eyes dilate. You know something BIG is happening, and you can't quite put your finger on it. You are high, but you aren't on actual drugs (ok, maybe some of us, but not like this). You are on this new shit, you are on TIGER KING.

If you are one of the few people who hasn't watched this show, I don't know what to tell you. This is what people call a goddamn cultural phenomenon. I have seen thousands of memes about this fuckery, and I am not even sick of them. I want more. I now get why those fuckers on Tiger King are addicted to meth. I am addicted to this show. And after that first hit, I knew it was going to be dangerous for me; I couldn't binge it all at once. I watched the first episode, and let it set the stage. I let it lovingly caress my synapses, with its mullets and toothless, shirtless, delights. I let the afterglow of knowing that I was going to go down this glorious, deep, dark well of polygamy wash over me. I stopped after one episode knowing that I would never be the same. And I was here for it.

Now, let me really set the stage for my first hit. The Silver Fox Fuck Boy and I had enjoyed some breakfast bourbon (it's bourbon in coffee, but ya know, we got keep it classy at 7:30 am) and are chilling on the couch, we flip on Netflix and the teaser for this show comes and and he asked me if I want to watch it. The above picture is the screen shot I took, because I wanted to remember the moment I knew, there is no going back after this. I am a Florida born and raised, lover of all things white trash, mullet aficionado, trailer fabulous, woman. This shit speaks to me on a cellular level. But NEVER have I ever born witness to what I saw in just the first episode of this show. I am going to try not to give spoilers away, but considering the internet is the internet and we are all cooped the fuck up, trying not to go Joe Exotic on our own Carole, it is what it fucking is here.

Speaking of Carole, imma say this right meow: Carole is a cunt and she killed her 1st husband. Don't @ me. And I know her from somewhere, I can't place my finger on it, but I know her. Also, I hated her immediately when she started talking. And what the fuck is with that one weird strand of hair that she has draped over the rest of her hair sometimes. Also, is anyone else having nightmares of Carole saying, "Hey all you cool cats and kittens!" Because when I hear her talk, I want to get in one of the cages with the cats and let them tear me from limb to limb.

The first episode watches like Stefan from Saturday Night Live is describing one of his fucked up clubs and then you realize this is the one that actually exists. This club is called "Methed Up" and you  giggle, cus you don't know if it is a den for drugs, or people reading Mike Tyson's lispy words. And then all of a sudden, you are in it, hanging on these people's every word, from Doc Antle, to that thundercunt Carole, to that sweet toothless man John, to the completely fucking bonkers Joe. You are transfixed. You, are like me, living in two worlds: the time before Tiger King and the time after Tiger King. It has been 6 days since I started watching this show and 3 since I finished it and I have started watching it again so that J-Wunder (I can't even bring myself to call him Wundercunt, because it sounds too much like Thundercunt and that is a name solely reserved for Carole. Cus she murdered her husband) and I can do an episode by episode synopsis. This episode gives you just enough of a taste of the good, good stuff, and before you know it, you are counting the minutes while you work from home, before you can sashay yo ass over to the couch and get your fix.

I do have one question about all of this - did Netflix know what the fuck they were about to unleash upon the world with this? I saw an article someone wrote saying that this was the next big binge, on 03/19/2020, and a week later, WHOOMP HERE IT IS. Did Netflix know that we would be balls deep in quarantine and chill, and people were gonna be about ready to fuck shit up because every time someone mentioned the word Corona Virus, you could only here Cardi B saying KKAAAAAAAARAHHHHHHHHHNAVIRUS? Did Netflix take one look at our barren, wasteland grocery stores, and think, "You know what these crazy, hoarding motherfuckers, need? Gay Polygamist Drug Addict Big Cat Zoo Keepers!"

And they were absolutely fucking right. Either this is end of days, or how we will heal from all of this Corona madness. My prediction - when this is all over, Joe gets out of jail and finally becomes President. Sorry, not sorry, for the spoilers.

Ok, hold up. 2 questions - was this the Tiger Blood Charlie Sheen was talking about? Is he some kind of Coke addled prophet? Is he our new messiah. Shit, no more breakfast bourbon and writing.

Meow,
H-Bomb
#LoveInTheTimeOfCorona