Advice Column: Fumble In The Friend-Zone

Hey J!

I need your help, your heads up, your advice!

See there is this girl. We are like best friends, hang out all the time, really get along... you get the picture. Now a few weeks back we had a moment and kissed. Since then we enjoyed the company of each other even more. We kissed every once in a while, she spent weekend nights at my place but we never had sex. So yeah I guess we where both quite comfortable with the situation. No strings attached. Simply enjoying our togetherness.

So then we hooked up again, we were at my place and... we had sex. I mean it was not great but not bad either. So as you can imagine things got a little awkward since then. We kinda talked about it, she promised me that she doesn't regret what she did and we decided we will still be friends with the occasional hook up, but no sex!

Since then we went separate ways and things are really awkward. We try to be normal but somehow it's not at all.

J! Help me out here, what can I do? I mean, I think I would like to hang out with her again and stuff so buddy need your advice

Regards
whatcanIdo?


　
Dear WhatcanIdo,

J-Wunder asked me to take this one, because he is currently riding a bus from his shanty in the East Bay to San Francisco, like a Tijuana Hooker on her way to her first donkey show - all because of the goddamn BART strike. And I am pretty sure he is wanted in connection with those deaths on the BART, so if we don’t hear from him for a few days, well, um yeah. But just like any 3rd rated donkey show, it must go on.

I love when we get emails a la ‘Sweet Valley High,’ because it reminds me of a kinder, gentler time; before snap chat, dick pics, pussy shots, and whatever else we can think of sending electronically in this day and age. Your email read like the sweetest Dear Abby letter and I am going to try to be as nice as possible when I tell you what I am about to tell you:

Until you are both grown ass people who can handle it when you do grown folks business, don’t do that shit. EVER. You should have left it at some smoochy-smoochy and never gone for the sexy time. Clearly you like this girl and she probably likes you too. Like, LIKE likes you. She probably even liked the fucky-fucky you gave her, but then shit got real. And probably not even that real, but real enough for you to be twisted up like a thong up a fat chicks ass-crack.

I am almost positive you have never seen the movie "When Harry Met Sally," because I know I was only 8 when that shit came out and I think it would be safe to bet that you are under the age of 25. Correct me if I am wrong about your age, but me being wrong is a pretty fucking rare occurrence. The gist of one of the most famous lines of that movie is that guys and girls cannot be friends without trying to slip each other the business, and then when you get your friend-fuck on, someone always catches a case of feelings and then shit gets fucked up. Sounds pretty familiar, no?

Guys and girls need clearly defined boundaries when it comes to any kind of relationship. Hell, most people need boundaries when it comes to dealing with the masses. And you know what you and your little chicky-poo did? You went out and got some blurred lines. But way less catchy than that shit Robin Thicke did (and stole from Marvin Gaye) that I now can’t get out of my goddamn head. You all went and drew a line in the sand, crossed that shit out, drew another one, jumped over it, and now you are all fucked up.

It is very simple, dear heart. If you want to be friends, you can’t fuck. If you want to be fuck buddies, you can’t really be friends, unless BOTH of you have no romantic feelings for each other (do not confuse love with the lust you feel "down there" when you want to get your bang on and don’t want to pick up some gutter slut at a bar). And y’all not catching feelings from riding the P.T.E. out of the friend-zone is about as likely as me not rolling my eyes every time someone says some thing stupid to me at work. That shit just ain’t happening. REAL TALK.

Me thinks you have a case of the feels and that is all fine and dandy, because it’s ok to get butterflies in your tummy that aren’t from liquor shits and late night Taco Bell. Does your lady friend have a case of the feels, too? If so, then go be a couple and do all that romantic couple crap that makes me want to vomit in my scotch, but secretly wish I could find some trick that I like enough to hold hands with in public and leave the lights on during sex. Speaking of sex... if y’all get together you get to bang each other on the regular. Uh, helloooooooo! WINNING! And I bet it won’t even be all awkward and shit. Side note, no matter what your friends tell you, the G-Spot is not a myth. Trust me.

Let me paint you a picture. I am friends with this guy that I have mentioned in previous columns that I call "Hey-Thunder." He’s hot, I am hot, we are both smart-asses that like to drink, like bitches with big boobs, and all kinds of other buffoonery. We are such close friends we have even been known to complete each other’s sentences from time to time. But you know what we don’t do, no matter how awesome our friendship is, how drunk we have gotten together, or how many times he has begged me to take snap chats of his butt-hole? We don’t fuck on each other.

And do you want to know why?

Because even though we both love to fuck, do fucked up shit and a myriad of other things, we value each other as friends, first. That, dear heart, is what we call a grown folks move. No matter how many times we are out together, we know we have to roofie other people, and not each other, if we are looking for a drunk sex-capade. That is what wisdom, maturity, mutual respect, and one of us maybe having some undiscovered STD’s will bring out in a true male/female friendship. Otherwise, it is just one person pretending to be friends with the other person in the hopes that the other person will "like LIKE" them back. Life is not a rom-com and that shit only happens about 23.874% of the time. The rest of the time one person gets butt-hurt and people can’t be friends anymore. And now you have to go find a new person to roofie at the bar.

I could keep going, but I am sobering up and J-Wunder keeps sending me pics of something, asking me if it looks infected. I can only hope it is his big toe, because from what I can see in the grainy pic, I don’t think a penis is supposed to have a toe-nail looking thing on it.

Just remember, it's not  me, it's you.

H-Bomb.com

Advice Column: An Idiot's Guide To Marriage Advice

So here is a problem I got. I'm engaged to be married and I think my girls friend likes me as I feel shit for her when I see her I love my girl don't get me wrong. Her friend is maid of honor though. and tells my girl everything when we talk or I say something on FB or whatever..and my girl goes to her to clam shit down for us when she spends more then she should or were in a fight and her friend will txt or call me.. I could swear she has feelings for me but im uncertain to try or say anything not knowing if she does or would or drop a dime on me keep in mind there pretty close..she is a piece of ass man. the kind you just want to eat everything kind of ass..lol..and tits like bam.and I made a joke to my girl and said for your friends up coming birthday let's do a threesome..and my girl told her and she joked back and my girl as she got off the phone with her said your crazy your mine and would never share you. then dropped it..so i need to know what to do..??(((( FROM ANONYMOUS)))))



Dear Sling Blade,

I am going to try to use the smallest words possible for this response because you are clearly simple. So simple you make Forest Gump look like Albert Einstein. I am going to eat some of my previous words in a second. Could someone hand me the BBQ sauce, so I can at least make them a little bit more yummy? Thanks. Here goes.

Yes, I know I have said time and time again that men are simple creatures, and for the most part they are. But you, my friend, are about as sharp as a bag full of wet marbles. I don’t know how you don’t see what is going on here, but for fuck's sake son, PAY ATTENTION to what I am about to lay out for you. Read this like eleventy-two times before you do anything else, OR ELSE. Trust me. I am a woman and I know how the female brain works, in all of it’s sometimes diabolical glory.

First Question: Are you a pyromaniac? I ask because clearly you are playing with fire and for some reason you seem to like it. Or are not afraid of it. If you can’t keep Captain Winky to just your main bottom bitch, the LAST place you need to think about sticking your wang in your girl’s best friend. Are you familiar with the saying "bros before hoes?" That shit works both ways, kemosabe. You know those "feelings" you are having for your girl’s best friend? It’s probably a raging case of chlamydia, Long-Duck-Dirty-Schlong, not romance, or even lust. That fire in your loins is easily cured with a Z-Pack. I am pretty sure Anonymous has a few extra ones that he will mail to you. Just don’t go to the pharmacy without supervision to get one, 'cus your dumbass would probably get Z-Pack confused with Plan B (I know, sweetie, letters are HARD) and get the wrong fucking thing.

Next Question: You honestly think that your girl’s best friend is dying to snap her off a piece of your Slim Jim? For reals? Goddamnit son, were your repeatedly dropped on your head as a kid? And then had your head slammed in a door? Even if you two are going to ride on the Pound Town Express is all she can think about, most (*disclaimer, I know there are some trifling ass hoes out there that need a brick to the head because they are trifling ass hoes*) women are not about to fuck their bestie’s man. There is a fine line and a girl code that most women (trifling ass hoes need to stop reading here - you know who you are) subscribe to and that is: You don’t fuck your best friend’s boyfriend, fiancé, husband and most of the time, Dad. Exceptions to this rule are: casual fuck buddies and one night stands. Other than that, most women don’t fuck on some O.P.P. And if they do...well, I got some bricks for them.

Final Question: Assuming I am wrong here, and you can go ahead and ask anyone in THE CREW the likelihood of that actually happening, and this bitch does wanna ride you like the fucking tilt-a-world and doesn’t care that you are about to marry her best friend, what makes you think for one second that she is not going tell someone, especially her best friend. Like the night before the wedding when she is all hopped up on foofy drinks and xanax? Only the most diabolical of hoes can keep something like that a secret. Judging from your letter, I am doubtful that I am working with some Angelina Jolie kind of home-wrecking hoe here and more like some bus-stop skank with loose morals and a looser chocha. Oh, and you already told me that these two chicks talk about errrrything. REAL GIRL TALK.

Now that I have said all of the above has it ever occurred to you, Shirley Simple, that you are being set up? That is the first thing I thought when I read your tale of fuckery. Remember when I said, "Women are diabolical?" Yeah, it was like 4 paragraphs above. You think your soon-to-be wifey isn’t setting you up to see if you fail the fidelity test? Maybe you came home one night and your dick smelled like vanilla musk (you know, the universal smell of strippers) and was covered in Dr. Pepper Lip Smacker and your fiancé only wears Tahitian moonlight body spray and Cherry Chapstick. She probably thought to herself, "Awwwww hell naw, this motherfucker is cheating." Then she and her bestie got drunk on a bottle of Boone’s Farm and hatched a plan to catch you with your dick where it don’t belong. And of course she would choose her best friend as the decoy, because in the event you are a man-skank, she wouldn’t want you dipping your pen in just anyone’s ink-hole.

By the way, when a girl says, "You’re crazy, you’re mine and I would never share you," that is girl code for, "I will do things to you that would make Lorena Bobbit blush if you ever so much as look at another piece of pootie-tang." Think before you act, son. Even if you don’t want to think, and just want to fuck on this girl like she is the last piece of new ass you are going to get for the rest of your life, think about what soon-to-be-ex-wifey would do to you, if and when she finds out your stuck your key into HER best friend’s back door. Wait, what?

All kidding aside, if you are trying to fuck on some other poon before you walk down the aisle, maybe you should consider not getting married in the first place. AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR DIVORCE.

Maybe best friend is the love of your life and you were fated to meet her through your fiancé and she is The One. No, man, I am just kidding. That shit only happens in dumb rom-coms that I watch right before my uterus yells at me for only filling it with Jack Daniels and cock and not a baby. That ain't real life.

Son, you need to get right before you get left. At the altar.

H-Bomb

How To Prank Your Friends

Happy Travels!

Friends vs. Best Friends

Your List of Friends - Part 2

In Part 1, we got to see 5 types of friends that the average person hangs out with. Not sure what those 5 are, then your ass needs to catch the fuck up on what the hell I'm talking about. Here fuckers:

Your List of Friends - Part 1

Now that's out of the way, it's time to list a few more of types of friends that have us scratching our goddamn heads while we say to ourselves, "Where did I find these mother fuckers?!" Grab a cold beer because for the 1,462 time on this blog, you're about to be fucking amazed.

Richey Rich
You make good money, you have nice things, but this friend makes more money and has way nicer things. Did I mention they were a trust fund baby? That's right, they make you look like a poor sack of shit. It's cool though, because at least you're better looking then them and know how to change a goddamn flat tire, right? Eh, whatever...your ass is still fucking broke. Well, compared to Richey fucking Rich over here. Money is no object to these types of friends and well, it kinda pisses you off. Hard earned money is appreciated by you and blue collar society but for Donald fucking Trump over here, they have no fucking idea what that means. Lucky for you, ugly rich people need good looking people to hang with so they can be noticed. How this happens is beyond fucking me. 

Why he's an asset: If there is one good thing about a rich friend...money is no object. That's why, when you go out to a bar or club, guess who's buying? That's right, the rich mother fucker. See typically, normal people don't like rich people. Rich people only like other good looking rich people. So where does that leave ugly rich people? That leaves them hanging  out with normal people because in reality, they have to deal. And if they have to deal with "common-folk", then guess what? You're buying a lot of mother fuckers drinks and getting them fucking drunk. Oh, and if we want an appetizer to go with our big ass 24 ounce beer...your ass is gonna buy that too. Ugly rich people need friends...normal people need free shit. Taaaaa-da...friends forever!


The Stoner
You like weed but not as much as this friend likes weed. They smoke dope 5 times a day, 7 days a week. They work high, they eat high...hell, they fuck high. When they're not high, they aren't normal. 88% of the time you hang out with them, you would think they were sleeping or mentally fucking retarded. But it's cool though, because they are cool to be around. The stoner friend is the most laid back out of all your friends and loves to talk about shit no one gives a fuck about. Why is it, the stoner friend, when high, are always interested in talking about Plato, Socrates and reciting poems from Shakespeare? Always trying to philosophize about pointless shit and dead mother fuckers. One word: Gay.

Why he's an asset: Two words: Free weed. Other than that, they are fucking worthless. They don't make sense half the time and they think they are problem solvers. Yeah, maybe to fucking retarded 5th graders with lisps but, outside of that, the stoner friend are like those Facebook friends that you know but don't give a shit about unless you want something. Like a 20 sack of weed.


The Emotional Wreck
Every group of friends has one...the emotional wreck. This friend has their good days...and also bad days. This friend loves to give you shit but can't take your shit. When this friend gets mad, they want to kill somebody and all of the sudden, they start stabbing innocent people. When this friend gets sad, it's like someone died, when really, they just had really awful sex. Basically, these friends are ticking time bombs. You realize after 3 months of being friends with them, "what the fuck was I thinking...this mother fucker is crazy". Sucks to be you, right?

Why he's an asset: Need a good laugh? Well, here you go. As emotionally fucked up as these friends are, at least you get some entertainment value out of it. Whether it's watching them fight over a bar stool at the local watering hole to attempting to stab someone in the face with a spoon because they were called "lunch box", the emotional wreck will never disappoint. Make fun of them all you want because at the end of the day, they need you...you don't need them. Why would you? These mother fuckers are crazy and have probably watched you sleep a time or two.


Mr. Go-Getter
If you could bottle up this energy and sell it for 1 million dollars, you would. Mr. Go-Getter is the upbeat friend who never looks at anything negative. Always puts a smile on his face. Is always positive. The nicest and most annoying mother fucker you'll ever meet. Doesn't have an ounce of hatred in his soul and loves everybody. He never likes to judge others and always...ALWAYS...gives people a second chance. 

Why he's an asset: This dude gets bitches. I don't know how, but he does. He's a wingman without knowing he's a wingman. He makes "players" look mediocre, at best. If you're ever feeling down, this fucking guy will cheer you the fuck up. He's the one guy that will stop a fight where he knows 9 out of 10 times, you're about to get your ass kicked. The biggest asset of Mr. Go-Getter and most important...he's the only guy that doesn't mind being the Designated Driver. Why? Because apparently, "You don't need booze to have a good time" and "Being high on life is the greatest drug in the world". Get the fuck outta here with this "after school special" shit. Whatever floats your boat buddy...just drive our drunk asses to Denny's bitch!


The Funny Guy
Every group of friends needs one of these assholes. Seriously. The funny guy will not only make you piss your pants but he acts as some sort of odd and fucked up motivational speaker. He loves to drink, fuck chicks and not take life too seriously. Need to break the ice in an awkward setting? This dude is more than happy to blab out some inappropriate shit to clear the air. Trust me, it works like a charm (with a few disgusted faces and a possible call to the police, but whatever...bitches be hatin' sometimes). The funny guy has your back and is never short on calling out other friends. He makes the emotional wreck want to kill themselves (nice trade-off). Need funny? This is the asshole you need to know and love.

Why he's an asset: He's funny. What does funny translate to? Ass. Lots and lots of ass for you and your buddies. He takes the lead, you follow. He's the only guy that can awkwardly/jokingly ask a chick, "Wanna fuck?" and leave with them 10 minutes later. Need a drinking partner? Don't fret, the funny guy is always down for a good time. Like that bitch Deena, from the Jersey Shore stated, "I'm a party in a glass"...that's this dude. He's a mix between "The Wingman", "Mr. Go-Getter" and "The Drinking Buddy" which fits him nice considering he doesn't have a real important job or some crazy bitch to go home to at night. You can't go wrong with this guy. 10 out of 10 times...you'll be thanking him for being part of your life. Just don't try to hug him...doing that will make him flashback to the time his wiener was touched by Father Tim at Sunday Mass that one Easter Sunday. 

Friends...how many of us have them?

Your List of Friends - PART 1

The Wingman
The wingman's goal in life is to make sure you get lucky whenever fucking possible. He's there to brag about your prowess, back up your laughable bullshit lies, and cockblock the competition. He's the guy that would kill for you and catch the clap if he had to (fucked up, I know).

Why he's an asset: Easily one of your most selfless friends, the wingman is always willing to take one for the team (translation - jump on countless ugly bitches). When absolutely necessary, he'll even slow dance with your hookups Sasquatch-like friend, just so you can have some alone time banging the slut in the corner. The wingman is the ultimate side-kick when it comes to getting some ass. Shake 'n Bake times 1,000. Yeah....bitches!!!!


The Lovable Loser
This is the friend that is "grandfathered in", unfortunately. He's 39 years old, never finished college and he lives with his goddamn parents. Ask me if he's fucked somebody in the last month? Negative. To make matters worse, he works on commission as a furniture salesman (which is in the middle of fucking nowhere and is going out of business). Sure, he might not have much going for him, but he's never too busy to return your calls. Which makes you wonder if he might be gay and wants to tickle your sack a little. He's like the 40-year old virgin, but fucking worse.

Why he's an asset: No matter how bad you have it, he'll always have it worse. If you get a chill, he'll get pneumonia. If you get a cold, he'll come down with the fucking bird flu. If you get a beautiful girlfriend...well, the point is he's always available to hold the video camera. Who wouldn't want a friend like that?


The Drinking Buddy
A master at beer pong, the first to play all his fucking music on the goddamn jukebox...and any other game during which beer is consumed, your drinking buddy is your right-hand man when it comes to downing ridiculous amounts of alcohol. He'll egg you on when you need it, and call you a fucking "pussy" when he must...all while drinking the country of Ireland under the goddamn table. Chances are you've been going out to bars with him for nearly half your life and you still only know him by his nickname. Matter of fact, his parents only know him by his nickname. Strange? Not really.

Why he's an asset: Not only does he have your back in the event of a rowdy bar fight, he's also willing to buy rounds in order to get the party started. Let's be honest: He might not be much of a designated driver and his financial advice is misguided at best, but no one's better when it comes to anchoring your boat race. Just make sure if you're looking to find out what happened after a night of drinking, he's probably not the guy to ask.


The DTF Friend
No one gets more ass then the "Down to Fuck" friend. It doesn't matter if the person is smokin' hot, ugly as sin, fat as "Precious" or has no limbs...the DTF friend has one goal in mind daily - fuck more people than Wilt Chamberlain has, if he was still alive. That's a lot of fucking people.

Why he's an asset: Wanna get laid? The DTF friend can grant you that wish. Just know that beggers can't be choosers and if you end up getting a fat bitch with hairy armpits, that's not his problem. Remember, if he's "Down to Fuck" anything, you're gonna get "anything". Just make sure you wear 2 condoms...I mean, if your friends fucking them, who knows if you'll be burning down your apartment when you hit the pisser the next morning.


The Poor Guy
He has a job, lives at home with his parents, and the only bill he has - cell phone. You would think he was rich and is down to do whatever, right? Wrong. Out of all your friends, this mother fucker is ALWAYS broke. Well, at least that's what he says. Go out to a bar...BROKE. Dinner...BROKE. Guys trip...BROKE. It's like you and your buddies have adopted a child and are supporting him. No joke. Sure he gets bitches and is cool as hell, but come the fuck on??? Who brings a wallet out, with nothing in it except a Driver's License? Oh, that's right...this guy.

Why he's an asset: If you want to wake up the next day from a night out with the boys and wonder why your tab was $500 when you know you only bought a few Bud Lights...he's the answer. Remember when you saw "The Poor Guy" at the bar buying all those drinks for all those people you didn't recognize? Yeah, guess who was buying? Bingo...YOU WERE ASSHOLE! Note to self: MAKE SURE THE POOR GUY DOESN'T KNOW YOU HAVE A TAB OPEN. YOU WILL BE POOR BY THE VERY NEXT DAY.

YOUR Business Ain't MY Business

Yesterday, there I was scrolling through my Facebook News Feed. When all of the sudden, I stumbled upon this:

"What do you do when 2 of your close friends are banging the same dude and neither of the women know about it? I chose to keep my mouth shut, not my business. Then it backfired on me when one of them called like "you knew this whole time bitch?!" umm ok. Guess I should learn to stab friends in the back? Lol. All I can do is laugh I suppose. That's two friends I just lost. Oops?"

So what do you do folks? What do you do when you know damn well that two good friends are fucking the same person? I'll tell you what you do...you do exactly what this chick did. You don't say shit. Here's why:

IT AIN'T YOUR MOTHER FUCKING BUSINESS!!

Look, I get that "good friends" are supposed to tell each other EVERYTHING, but lets be real...we hide shit from our friends. Why? Because we fucking have to. Let's not sit here and lie to ourselves people. If you can hide shit from your own family, you sure as hell don't tell your "good friends" everything. Real fucking talk.

Situations like this aren't easy. Why? Well because you know the two people close to you, are being fucked...literally and figuratively speaking. And just the fact that you know what they don't, is good enough reason to automatically shut your goddamn mouth. Why be in the middle of a love triangle? Why put yourself in a situation where you will have to be that shoulder to cry on? Why have to take sides when this blows up? Why nothing...fuck all that noise. Last I checked, we're all adults here. Your ass is grown...if you're too stupid to figure shit out, then why bother, right?

I've said it once, and I'll say it again: Don't get in the middle of shit. You're going to end up pissing both of them off, and it won't end mother fucking well. But in your case, you kept your mouth shut and you still ended up losing. But was it really a loss? If you ask me...you were just saving yourself the drama. And we all know ladies LOVE drama. #itsaWIN

Friends, life is a fucking game. You either play the game with caution, or come in, guns fucking blazing. Looks like those two friends were blazing alright...on one cock...and didn't even know it. But who are you gonna blame? The friend that shut her mouth? Hell no, you're not. She didn't do shit. She's just sitting back, eating some goddamn popcorn enjoying what's about to become a complete shit show. The only person they should be mad at, are themselves. Damn straight.

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out they got played. By one dude. Who got to fuck both of them AND probably a few other chicks along the way. Always remember...when you get played, you feel like a fool...the way to deal with it, is to be mad at others. Was it kinda fucked up by the friend that knew? Sure it was. But again, it ain't her business to begin with. See no evil, hear no evil. That's life. 

My opinion on the situation? Good fucking riddance. These fucking "friends" of yours are dirty whores and they should probably be mad at this dude, and not you. Then again, are they really whores? Fuck it, they are whores for the sake of this conversation. What I want to know is, how long did this go on before shit hit the fan? Better yet, was he raw doggin'? Raw doggin' is pretty fucking cool.

If you want to know if dudes would ever pull some shit like this chick did? My answer is no. Why? Because dudes don't care if they are just "fucking" somebody...even if it's the same chick. C'mon...I thought you knew. Sharing is caring.

It's No Mistake, Buddy