A blog that's not only one of a kind, but one of a kind and fucking funny. You may not laugh at everything, but I know for goddamn certain you'll laugh at something. People love watching train wrecks—and I’m happy to oblige. Because sharing these stories has taught me not to take life so seriously. And through my experiences with the blog I’ve found that honestly sharing my most humiliating stories not only makes people laugh, but helps them with their own problems.
I should start by saying that if you are looking for a “Pajama party Barbie Jeep” you my friend, should keep looking. If you are looking for a short description of to the beast before you, I can offer you two words “MEAT & POTATOES”. This is the All American chariot of the free world.
You are not dealing with any ordinary, cookie cutter Jeep son. This thing was forged from a single block of all American Tungsten Steel. Real sturdy! From that day forward my life has never been the same. Winch yourself off that couch and see if you can handle this Jeep Wrangler Sahara.
So if you are looking for a rice burning hatch back, a solar powered liberal mobile, or even a Hyundai crossover keep on looking my friend this thing is a piece of red white and blue Americana Machinery.
This baby’s pulse is pumping 4.0 liters of uncensored raw fuel through her straight six nuclear power plant. And rest assured this is no metro feminine automatic. . .you command her to obey, with your calloused hand planted firmly on the shifter. And she will obey, the first time, every time. If you can’t handle your stick shifter, or reach the clutch pedal, you better not ferry skip over here wanting to test drive her. If you stall her out, you can count on getting hit in the face with a piece of re-bar and sent back where you came from.
It has A/C but are you kidding me….Really! If you want to blow the sweat off your brow, you do it the old fashioned way: doors off, top down. “What if it rains?”. . .You whiney bitch! I told you to stop reading. . . Any man who drives this beast doesn’t give a damn about rain. Not even skin melting acid rain, Cause he’s already dripping wet in blood, sweat, dip spit, and fish guts.
If you are looking for the kind of jeep that has to be pansy parked in the garage, so the “carpet doesn’t get wet and soggy” Then you should plant your Obama sticker on some Japanese piece of shit. Cause this thing has drain holes in the floor and rhino lined to let the blood drain out from the buffalo you just killed, with your bare hands. Because you are William Wallace from Braveheart and when you get home you can leave your “sissy sponge glove car wash kit” in the pink bucket it came in. Go ahead and spark up your 6000 psi heated pressure washer on the dually trailer in your man cave, cause you are Tim Gillespie and you can pressure wash your truck on the inside. She’s got rhino lined floors with a full roll cage in case that buffalo comes back to life while you’re doing 80 over some mountain pass or flooded river.
If you’re thinking about Mexican chrome bumpers for her, think again. The bumper bashers come hand forged in a blacksmith shop in Franklin County over a wood burnin fire, out of 4 inch well casing, and railroad tracks and then I welded em to the damn chassis. That way if you get deployed you can piggy back this war wagon on a deuce and a half and chain her down tight from the four corners, so you don’t lose her when your convoy gets hit by a taliband roadside suicide bomber.
And forget about putting one of those “It’s a Jeep Thing. . .You wouldn’t understand” stickers on this machine cause when you’re spotted in this American Classic there will be no questions, no further explanation required, people will understand and get out of your way. . …real quick.
If you think you’re ready to park this panty hauler on your tract of land. If you buy this jeep you better go get your old lady ready for some damn changes around your lair, cause this shit will be happening. What will be Happening? Glad you asked….
1. More chest hair.
2. You’re growing a beard.
3. Meat Only Diet.
4. T-Rex for a pet.
5. You’re taking a job at the lumber mill.
6. Your car carries five kegs.
7. Penis enlargement.
8. Catch more fish.
9. Wire bristled toothbrush.
10. Sex in the yard.
11. Sex in the garage.
12. All male offspring.
13. Chiseled jaw line.
14. Not giving a damn.
15. Flesh turning to steel.
16. Higher salary
17. Promotions.
18. Better looking wives.
19. Better looking mistresses.
20. More golfing
21. More killing stuff.
22. More dead animals in the KITCHEN freezer.
23. More tools in your garage.
24. Bigger TV
25. Wife takes out the trash
26. Four Wheel Drive
27. Wife brings trash can in from road.
28. Wife stops bitching about clothes on floor.
29. Wife stocks fridge with beer.
30. Chuck Norris.
31. John McCain
32. Steaks for dinner.
33. Winning the Lottery.
34. Women on the side.
35. Wrestling with bea
36. Building shit out of stone.
37. Riding Lawn Mower.
38. Bon Fires in cul-de-sac.
39. Bar Fights.
40. Wife picks you up from Thee Gentlemen’s Club.
41. Craftsman Tools.
42. Jay Bisset.
43. Welding stuff.
44. Digging holes.
45. Huge Piece of meat.
Put your GPS back in your purse.
Sounds good doesn’t it?
This jeep has carried me through 155,000 miles of battlefield twice as gruesome as the second half of the movie “300″. . ..And just like a trusty steed this juggernaut has never left me stranded. If you think you’ve worn her out you drag this beast back to me in any condition. And Ill handle the rest.
But if you think you’re going to get to whip this mule you better pony up Sixty Five Hundred Dollars. . .American Cash. I’m not selling you this car unless you are clearly a pure blooded American Species, so don’t even think about it.
Wife wants younger guy with a small dick - mw4m - 48 (Lake O)
She has an infatuation with having a younger guy with a small dick. She wants something 4" or less, but the smaller the better. She really wants to suck a small one. 22 to 35 years old preferably. She's 48, clean , petite, small breasted and sexy. It'll be a threesome with me as well, and we'll most likely make fun of your size, so be okay with a little teasing and humiliation, but it will be worth it. Bi guys a plus. Let us know how small you are. Pictures with proof of your small size (hard) move to the front. We're looking for something this weekend.
Location: Lake O
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
- $600 1 ROOM of a 2/2 condo in EASTPORT w/23 yr old male (Annapolis - Eastport)
So here's the scoop. I got a decent spot in Eastport just a few blocks from the Compromise St Bridge. Easy walking distance from the bars and downtown and such. I consistently clock in 15 mins to Pussers at a leisurely walking pace.
Anyways, I am indeed a 23 yr old professional male with a 9-5 and i have a room open in my 2 bd 2 ba. Some formalities to address, as you can see above I'm down to have a good time, but due to the nature of my job nooooooo illegal substances/activities NOT 420 FRIENDLY. I knowww I knowwww it sucks but seriously I can't be dealing with that bull. no pets. i don't need your critters shitting on my carpets lol. Im looking for a young professional with a consistent job that can PAY UP, or if you are a student you better be real good friends with mommy and daddy's wallet no me gusta late payments! grouch..
the bedroom closet might be (will most defiantly be) an issue for women that may be interested (as if any woman in their right mind is gonna go live with a male roommate from fucking Craigslist lol). its as wide as the door pictured. But thats ok, because i'm not charging you for a giant ass closet. so you would need some kind of wardrobe. dealwithit. oh and speaking of, the living room is furnished to an extend. futon, recliner, coffee table, tv, the basics. your room is not. I have kitchen supplies but you might want your own so we do the dishes less often. this is getting way too specific for a Craigslist ad MOVING ON.
parking is a little hairy. there aren't many guest spots in the complex, but you can park just up bay ridge ave, or behind the unit on the street.
I'm honestly not desperate for a room mate, but a little help with the mortgage can't hurt. That being said i can afford to be picky so we would need to like hang out or something before a deal goes down. I'm not trying to get stuck with a weirdo.
936 Bay Ridge Ave (google map) (yahoo map)
Location: Annapolis - Eastport
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Posting ID: 3983137574 Posted: 2013-08-05, 8:23PM EDT Updated: 2013-08-06, 12:41PM EDT
Drunk Naked Girl on my lawn last night - m4w - 28 (Elma)
There I was, just yesterday, I can remember it so clearly. I woke up around 2 AM to take a nice fat leak when I noticed your squeeky giggle outside of my window. I looked out my window half naked as an odd mix of shock, disgust, pity and blush washed over me.
Not only were you a stunning redhead just a little shorter then me with, what looked like, a curtain and drapery matching combo, but you were also taking a dump and piss on my lawn at the same time. For that I have to give you props, I don't think I've ever achieved that level of toilet mastery.
I immediately came out to see if you were alright or needed a ride home, seeing as this town isn't exactly well suited for, what I'm guessing to be, an 18-21 drunk girl at 2 in the morning, but me coming out in a bathrobe and asking apparently scared you because you started running with a turd still sticking out of your ass and dove headfirst into my car, leaving a dent in it.
I told you to hold on as I was gonna shut off the car alarm and get you an ice pack but I'm not sure if you heard. What I am sure of though is that you sat on the trunk of my car smearing shit all over it, took off your shoes, left your half full smirnoff bottle and ran like hell.
Normally I wouldn't let a girl shit all over my things and put a dent in my car until we've gotten on a first name basis but for you I think we could work it out. You know where I live.
Location: Elma
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
1000 cash for 6ft3plus 275lb plus physicallystrong Powerful applicants (Las Vegas)
Are you Big, tall and incredibly powerfully strong? 1000 cash for one day spent with me
Are you 6ft3 or taller? 275lbs or heavier?
Are you an open minded cool man? If so, this could be for you
I pay unusually powerfully strong men to lift and carry me in various ways
I'm 5ft8 205lbs of solid muscle, former powerlifter, mature man 51 yrs, well off and I PAY for Physical strength.
There would be nothing illegal, unethical, oe sexual going on whatsoever
I simply love feeling muscled/physical strength lift and carry me in various ways.
The taller and bigger you are, the more interested Ill be in paying you.
If your a weightlifter, powerlifter, worlds strongest man type, or just plain ole naturally strong as an ox, please reply.
I've been doing this for years and have many men that I pay to do this for me...and all are Straight guys....once you meet me in person, you will have no doubt that this is sincere.
I know this is odd, but it's an EASY way for a strong man to make xtra cash
send a pic of yourself, include your height weight, a short description of your Physical strength ability. Include your email address and contact nmber, best time to reach you.
I'll pay bonus cash besides the 1000 depending on how strong you are..Ill go more into detail about that once we talk.
This is not a job, just a way to make xtra big time cash for being strong
Location: Las Vegas
Compensation: 1000 cash one days work
This is a contract job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
2br - Great Live in Opportunity to Sexy Young College type (Hollywood)
Generous man seeks sexy young roommate, college student type that wants to advance herself and life. Live in position. Also, instead of being a typical student graduating from college broke or with $200,000 in student loans only to discover they will likely make $10-$15 an hour when they graduate and likely continue a life of poverty and with likely bad credit, I will teach you financial independence, be your mentor on how to set up your own e-Commerce business with complete WEB Master and SEO functions, working a few hours a week from our home while making $1500-$2500 weekly from your laptop without any debt, costs or obligation! That leaves a lot of time for the beach, fine dining, exercise, fitness, exotic trips to Las Vegas, Hawaii and Paris and elsewhere while having a happy, fun, passionate and secure lifestyle! Free room, board, income, security and lots of fun! Instead of continuing in debt and going nowhere with your life, start a real adventure and journey! ( By the way, US Congress just authorized the doubling of student loan rates, WOW more debt!) I am an easy going man, non smoker, non drinker and no drugs. I am a professional Body Builder who competes and spends a lot of time in Las Vegas at shows. I travel their often to have dinner with close friend, "The Rock" who you will meet as well as other celebrities. You can continue on just surviving on delusional hopes with untested boys or you can... Move Forward with your life by a proven and tested Man and enjoy life with peace, security, travel and lots of fun! Life is about choices. Ask yourself if you want more of the same or are you willing to try with a new opportunity! Manny 754 244 6684 Bedrooms: 2
Location: Hollywood
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
It was last Saturday and I was at the bar. My shitty boss made me work late Friday and then early Saturday morning. Then I was laid off at the end of the day. Needless to say I was pretty upset and in need of a good long night at the bar.
I got there straight from work at 6.30 and sat at the bar. You were a few stools down and there was a few people between us. About 11.30 there was only a few of us left and you moved down to the stool next to me and we casually chatted for the next hour before you started making advances at me. First off, I was very drunk at this point. That's important for you to understand.
Now, one of two things went horribly wrong here. Either I was so drunk that anything I said was impossible to understand or you were too drunk to put two and two together. You see, when I kept saying things like "thank you but I'm not like that" and "I'm not gay" it's because I thought you were a man. So naturally when you(who I thought was a man) tried to kiss me I believed it was time to fight and I punched you. I admit I SHOULD NOT have tried any wwe moves after that but I'm not a very good fighter and I was in attack mode.
Enter the large biker type guys playing pool in the back. If I would have known they were your brothers, I would've made out with you even if I thought you were a dude. Long story short, I hope that my 3 broken ribs and my missing tooth(it's right in the front by the way) are enough to make us even. I would still like to be friends and hopefully we can look back on this and laugh one day. I don't want to date but we can drink beer and lift weights or fish or something. Hope to hear from you
Location: Tampa area
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Grab a paper bag, breathe into it and calm your ass down. You're hyperventilating because you ain't never seen a deal like this before. Now collect yourself, then keep reading this incredible description that barely serves to do justice to my 2010 Felt Gridlock 3 speed fixed gear bike. Yes 3 SPEED FIXED GEAR. Also known as the greatest bike the city has ever had the privilege of existing around.
What makes this bike so much better than every other bike that has ever been pedaled? Glad you asked. It starts with the paint scheme. It looks like Iron Man if Iron Man were a bike. That's bold, son. Curb appeal. It's probably also why some piece of trash stole the front tire that originally came with this beauty. Why didn't he steal the whole bike? Because he knew he wasn't man enough. That's ok, I replaced it with something that looks even more boss. The next thing is the genuine leather seat. My taint has had a love/hate relationship with this particular bit of the machine. But it's got those swanky brass rivets so I can't stay mad that it smashed my prostate and has likely rendered fatherhood impossible. But let's face it, I'd rather have have a bike than a kid.
What else? Let's talk about that three speed in-the-hub, fixed-gear transmission for a second. It's as gnarly as it is exotic. Like the tropical, saw-toothed platypus. Which is a species that does't even exist. Fortunately this crazy ass hub does. It offers 3 speeds, as the name implies. It also offers a terrific chance to introduce that dome of yours to the asphalt if you sleep for one single second on this beotch. So don't trip. Ride safe. Get a helmet and if you've never ridden a fixed gear bike, maybe it's time to move along, young sir because this back tire doesn't flip flop and it doesn't offer any respite. What this bike does offer is a one-way ticket to legits-ville. Find a bowling ball. Then find another one. Your nuts must be at least that big to even consider making this whip the dreamiest object to ever take up too much space in your tiny ass apartment. But you'll be filled with joy once you throw a leg over this flawless piece of American-made* cycling excellence.
What else? Ryan, the paint's a little dinged up. Yeah, well, that's called real life. It comes at you fast, bro. Besides, you really want this glimmering, shimmering sex machine catching the eye of some small time thief? I already told you what happened to the tire. You really don't want to be living your own version of PeeWee's big adventure. Consider the lived-in feel a natural crime deterrent. If this bike were denim jeans, it'd be called "de-stressed" and you'd be paying extra for the privilege. I'm not gonna charge you extra for it, though. Cause I'm not trying to take advantage of you. But you should take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
But, aren't you sad about selling the greatest bike on earth? No. When you ride this bike once it permanently eliminates your ability to feel sad about anything ever again. Even for little puppies who are afraid to walk down the stairs, because the stairs...they're so big, and they're so little. Puppies who are young, but have already discovered the world to be a cold, unforgiving place. But you won't give a shit about it because you'll be on your awesome new bike living the dream.
Ryan, is that a toilet in the background? Yes. Why? Because this bike is the shit. And you've just learned something else about me. That's right, my name is Ryan. And your name is lucky sonofagun if you make the best choice of your life and pay me cold, hard cash for this ridiculous ride.
*Felt bikes are imported from Taiwan. Sorry to burst your bubble, homie, but globalization has been restructuring the way products get manufactured and sold since the 80's. Some believe it's eroding the American middle class. If you're the last to know, sorry for party rocking. Read "The World Is Flat." Form an opinion. Join the dialog. By the way, the book is like 12 years old so this shouldn't be news. Shit's fucked up, but we didn't start the fire. No we didn't light it, but we tried to fight it. Now buy this bitchin' ass bike.
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email this posting to a friendseattle craigslist > eastside > for sale / wanted > sporting goods please flag with care: [?]
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Avoid scams and fraud by dealing locally! Beware any deal involving Western Union, Moneygram, wire transfer, cashier check, money order, shipping, escrow, or any promise of transaction protection/certification/guarantee. More info Yoga mat for sale. Used once. - $1 (Bellevue)
Date: 2011-09-13, 10:32PM PDT Reply to: sale-cbz7z-2597736393@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Yoga mat for sale. Used once at lunch hour class in December 2009. Usage timeline as follows:
11:45a Register for hot yoga class. Infinite wisdom tells me to commit to 5 class package and purchase a yoga mat. I pay $89.74. Money well spent, I smugly confirm to myself.
11:55a Open door to yoga room. A gush of hot dry air rushes through and past me. It smells of breath, sweat and hot. Take spot on floor in back of room next to cute blonde. We will date.
11:57a I feel the need to be as near to naked as possible. This is a problem because of the hot blonde to my left and our pending courtship. She will not be pleased to learn that I need to lose 30 pounds before I propose to her.
11:59a Begin small talk with my bride to be. She pretends to ignore me but I know how she can be. I allow her to concentrate and stare straight ahead and continue to pretend that I don't exist. As we finish sharing our special moment, I am suddenly aware of a sweat moustache that has formed below my nose. This must be from the all the whispering between us.
12:00p Instructor enters the room and ascends her special podium at the front of the room. She is a slight, agitated Chinese woman. She introduces me to the class and everyone turns around to greet me just as I decide to aggressively adjust my penis and testes packed in my Under Armor. My bride is notably unfazed.
12:02p Since I do have experience with Hot Yoga (4 sessions just 5 short years ago) I fully consider that I may be so outstanding and skilled that my instructor may call me out and ask me to guide the class. My wife will look on with a sparkle in her eye. We will make love after class.
12:10p It is now up to 95 degrees in the room. We have been practicing deep breathing exercises for the last 8 minutes. This would not be a problem if we were all breathing actual, you know, oxygen. Instead, we are breathing each other's body odor, expelled carbon dioxide and other unmentionables. (Don't worry, I'll mention them later.)
12:26p It is now 100 degrees and I take notice of the humidity, which is hovering at about 90%. I feel the familiar adorning stare of my bride and decide to look back at her. She appears to be nauseated. I then realize that I forgot to brush my teeth prior to attending this class. We bond.
12:33p It is now 110 degrees and 95% humidity. I am now balancing on one leg with the other leg crossed over the other. My arms are intertwined and I am squatting. The last time I was in this position was 44 years ago in the womb, but I'm in this for the long haul. My wife looks slightly weathered dripping sweat and her eyeliner is streaming down her face. Well, "for better or worse" is what we committed to so we press on.
12:40p The overweight Hispanic man two spots over has sweat running down his legs. At least I think its sweat. He is holding every position and has not had a sip of water since we walked in. He is making me look bad and I hate him.
12:44p I consider that if anyone in this room farted that we would all certainly perish.
12:52p It is now 140 degrees and 100% humidity. I am covered from head to toe in sweat. There is not a square millimeter on my body that is not slippery and sweaty. I am so slimy that I feel like a sea lion or a maybe sea eel. Not even a bear trap could hold me. The sweat is stinging my eyeballs and I can no longer see.
12:55p This room stinks of asparagus, cloves, tuna and tacos. There is no food in the room. I realize that this is an amalgamation of the body odors of 30 people in a 140 degree room for the last 55 minutes. Seriously, enough with the asparagus, ok?
1:01p 140 degrees and 130% humidity. Look, bitch, I need my space here so don't get all pissy with me if I accidentally sprayed you with sweat as I flipped over. Seriously, is that where this relationship is going? Get over yourself. We need counseling and she needs to be medicated. Stat!
1:09p 150 degrees and cloudy. And hot. I can no longer move my limbs on my own. I have given up on attempting any of the commands this Chinese chick is yelling out at us. I will lay sedentary until the aid unit arrives. I will buy this building and then have it destroyed. I lose consciousness.
1:15p I have a headache and my wife is being a selfish bitch. I can't really breathe. All I can think about is holding a cup worth of hot sand in my mouth. I cannot remember what an ice cube is and cannot remember what snow looks like. I consider that my only escape might be a crab walk across 15 bodies and then out of the room. I am paralyzed, and may never walk again so the whole crab walk thing is pretty much out.
1:17p I cannot move at all and cannot reach my water. Is breathing voluntary or involuntary? If it's voluntary, I am screwed. I stopped participating in the class 20 minutes ago. Hey, lady! I paid for this frickin class, ok?! You work for me! Stop yelling at everyone and just tell us a story or something. It's like juice and cracker time, ok?
1:20p It is now 165 degrees and moisture is dripping from the ceiling. The towel that I am laying on is no longer providing any wicking or drying properties. It is actually placing additional sweat on me as I touch it. My towel reeks. I cannot identify the smell but no way can it be from me. Did someone spray some stank on my towel or something?
1:30p Torture session is over. I wish hateful things upon the instructor. She graciously allows us to stay and 'cool down' in the room. It is 175 degrees. Who cools down in 175 degrees? A Komodo Dragon? My wife has left the room. Probably to throw up.
1:34p My opportunity to escape has arrived. I roll over to my stomach and press up to my knees. It is warmer as I rise up from ground level - probably by 15 degrees. So let's conservatively say it's 190. I muster my final energy and slowly rise. One foot in front of the other. One foot in front of the other. Towards the door. Towards the door.
1:37p The temperature in the lobby is 72 degrees. Both nipples stiffen to diamond strength and my penis begins to retract into my abdomen from the 100 degree temp swing. I can once again breathe though so I am pleased. I spot my future ex wife in the lobby. We had such a good thing going but I know that no measure of counseling will be able to unravel the day's turmoil and mental scaring.
1:47p Arrive at Emerald City Smoothie and proceed to order a 32 oz beverage. 402 calories, 0 fat and 14 grams of protein -- effectively negating any caloric burn or benefit from the last 90 minutes. I finish it in 3 minutes and spend the next 2 hours writing this memoir.
3:47p Create Craigslist ad while burning final 2 grams of protein from Smoothie and before the "shakes" consume my body.
4:29p Note to self - check car for missing wet yoga towel in am.
Location: Bellevue it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
I am selling the dresser that my ex left behind when we split. Like in our relationship, she felt it wasn't an obligation of hers to move anything along in our union or move anything out when she left.
This dresser has 9 drawers for hiding even everything from the largest load of bullshit to the smallest of emotion It's made mostly of solid wood (mirror and drawer faces) and is very sturdy and very heavy - again like my ex but with less pulp. I believe it is made of oak and not self loathing and hatred It has a huge trifold mirror that was perfect for each of her faces.
Very few bumps and bruises this dresser is a real keeper and just needs a little TLC - not years of therapy or Daddy's approval.
No reason to create the illusion of a bad childhood because this dresser is willing to provide a purpose for a family - storing clothes with no emotional baggage or snack cakes.
Doesn't bitch, never wonders where you have been and it can be friends with other pieces of furniture without being jealous or complaining. It does not believe the foot stool is a whore!
Drawers slide open freely and easily like my ex but without the aid of alcohol, cash, or credit cards
I am looking to sell it for the same amount of weight she gained in our relationship about $150. That price is not negotiable unlike my ex in any bar on a Saturday Night.
Valued at a lot more and like my ex at that price I am giving it away
Pickup only as I am just one man and like my ex - one guy just won't cut it so bring your friends!
Well worth it if you are a wingman, the adventurous type or a glutton for punishment
DISCLAIMER: Exorcism unnecessary as its evil spirits left having already draining me of anything identifying me as a man and human being
Location: Earth, TX
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
