There's a song for all of us...even you, Facebook stalkers.

Stage 5 Clinger

It all starts off innocent. There you are on your friends Facebook page browsing through their friends list. Some of the friends you have are mutual, while others aren't. And of course, being the nosy mother fucker that you are, you pay extra close attention to the "non-mutual friends"...as to be expected, right? Friend by friend, you look for something that intrigues you. Something that will catch your eye within a split second. Translation: the "fine as fuck" friends. Bingo. You just found a pot of gold, half-way down the friends list. You click their name and see those three words: "ADD AS FRIEND".

At first, you debate with yourself on asking them to add you (yes, believe it or not, you are asking this stranger who you don't know, at all, "please be my friend") because you don't want to be ignored. Truth be told, if you get ignored the first time, there is an 88% chance, you'll request to be added as a friend again...only because in your eyes, you think they might have deleted your request "on accident".  You then realize that since your friend is their friend, your chances of getting accepting by Hottie Magee is pretty fucking good. An hour later, you get a notification that reads - "FRIEND REQUEST ACCEPTED". And so it begins...

Everyday you're on Hottie Magee's page...looking at every single pic. "Liking" everything they fucking post. For some odd and fucked up reason, you actually feel that your friends friend, is now your friend. Why? I have no fucking clue. My only explanation is that you're just a fucking idiot. But it gets worse...seeing that you feel this "bond" with the person you have never met or spoken to in your goddamn life, you search for the one thing you hope is there. Hottie Magee's phone number. And what do you know, you go to their info page and there lies those 10 digits that could possibly lead you to the promise land. The only thing you can say is, "I'm gonna stalk this bitch like nobody's business."

From that moment forward, you start texting this stranger, "Good morning", "How's your day" and details of things that they could honestly give two shits about. And each time you send a text, all you hope for is a response. The only thing you get is either some bullshit smiley face, LOL, or "I'm kinda busy right now". Translation: "Hey mother fucker, you are fucking creepy and please stop texting me." Real talk.

Who does that? You know who? Stage 5 Clingers, that's who. See friends, it's these people that will go to great lengths for a piece of pussy that not even God could grant them. But lets not get it twisted, women do the same shit to men. Why do you think my phone number isn't on Facebook anymore? Cause bitches are fucking crazy and get mad when I never responded to their text. Bitch, I don't even know who the fuck you are. You think I give a shit if you know 8 of my friends? Crazy cunt. Who sends pics of themselves in underwear that is 2 sizes too fucking small? And why was your face photoshopped into Britney Spears? True story. I can't make this shit up. Stage 5 Clinger...more like Stage 5 Stalker.

Whatever happened to, "Hey, you mind if I get your number? I really enjoy talking to you." Or asking your friend what's the dilly-o on Hot Tits Magee? Look, I'm not one to just up and text someone randomly...ok, I am, but fuck you. This isn't about me. This is about those people that don't get it (I ended up getting it after the police issued me a restraining order 2 years ago). Don't get that they are fucking creepy. Serial killer like. Future San Quentin inmates.

The Stage 5 Clinger is common. My advice to all of you people out there: don't put your phone number on your Facebook page and definitely don't put up pics of yourself if you're smoking hot. That's how mother fuckers get ass raped and found in ditches at 3am.

You're welcome.

Facebook: Breeding a New Civilization

Facebook: (ˈfeɪsˌbʊk)
— n
1.	a popular social networking web

Facebook, the greatest thing since sliced bread, right? What's not to love?? Facebook allows us to search for childhood friends, high school classmates, an old crush, or even your hot neighbor. Researchers say (ok, I say) that Facebook has become the modern high school reunion. Now, instead of only getting the chance to see an old pal every five or ten years to catch up on life, you can do it every second of the day.

But do we really know the lasting (possibly detrimental) affects of the wonderful time-wasting tool that some lovingly refer to as "the book"?

Now some of you may be asking yourselves right now...detrimental? Facebook? It's an innocent website that I use to stay in touch with people, how can that cause any lasting affects? Well kids, let me explain....

The more prevalent social networking becomes, the more the line between your real life and digital life blurs. You're on Facebook at least, what, 20-30 times a day (don't fucking lie to yourself)...first thing before you wake up in the morning, on your commute to and from work, even a few dozen times while you're working, and while on the shitter (it's ok, we all do it). You're now friends with your 2nd grade teacher, all of your co-workers and the handful of random college hookups -- at least those where you caught their name (and we all know that was by the stroke of luck).

And lastly, we bring in the ex's. We're all friends with our ex's, it's our way of saying "I'm over you, but I can still check in on you from time to time." Nothing wrong with browsing their vacation pictures, and of course making sure they're not dating anyone hotter than you, right? WRONG. This is the beginning of the goddamn end.

We all do a bit of "creeping" on Facebook, but sometimes it can get out of hand. For all of you wondering what the definition of "creeping" is: it's when you're on someone's Facebook page, then someone walks up behind you and you close your browser window frantically. THAT, my friend, is creeping. When you're a bit ashamed or embarrassed and the person that sees this, notices right away, you might be doing something a little suspect.

Thanks to Facebook, people now feel okay and even justified in stalking people.

Next, let me introduce one more social networking tool: FourSquare. Or Gowalla, Facebook Places, etc. You pick your poison. So now, not only do you know WHAT your Facebook friends are doing, but WHERE they are doing it.

Uh oh, this is starting to get disastrous.

Have you ever seen a friend of yours "check-in" to a location and you think to yourself, WHAT THE FUCK?...why wasn't I fucking invited? Who are they with? Fuck it, maybe I should just show up and pretend like I didn't know they were there. This is the kind of crazy behavior I am talking about. Don't even try to fucking deny it either, because a vast majority of people are absolutely guilty of this.

And now, the "creeping" begins both online and offline. This is when you start stalking in your real life. Where you once got a thrill by going through your News Feed and seeing what people are doing...is now not enough. AT.ALL. Why you ask? Simple.

- You want more.

- You crave more.

- You want to know what your friends are doing even when they aren't updating their status' or checking-into locations.

- You become obsessed.

- It's been 4 hours since an update or check-in, what could they be doing?

- Why are they not "liking" anything you post?

- How come they aren't commenting on your "inside joke" that you posted to their status that really makes no fucking sense to what's being statusized (that's a new word)?

You are now THAT mother fucker. The scary one. The creep dog. THE STALKER. 

And here it is folks, there's no hope for you. Full-blown neurosis.

Facebook, thanks for breeding a civilization of sick voyeuristic fucks.

You're Welcome for the insights,

Ball Buster