Facebook - The Never Ending Cluster Fuck Of Goodness

Facebook, Facebook, mother fucking Facebook. I don't know how many columns I've written about this Social Networking giant, to be honest. What I do know is that I could seriously write about something Facebook related every goddamn day for a whole fucking year if I wanted too (don't get any ideas, people). That's how much shit we can talk about, when it comes to Mark Zuckerfuck and his billion dollar Harvard project.

As a society, we all get annoyed by a plethora of things Facebook related. So today, I'm going to shed a little light on FIVE...yes, FIVE, mother fucking things that a majority of us find frustrating, annoying and down right fucking stupid. Now, before any of you spout off some stupid shit like, "Well, if you don't like it, delete them...hide your news feed...blah, blah, blah." Do me a huge favor...SHUT THE FUCK UP and EAT A BAG OF DICKS. We know what to do. We just like to bitch about it, ok. That's why society is all fucked up. We know how to deal with situations, we just like getting all hyped up over dumb shit. That's life. Ok, I'm done. That said, check out these five things that make the Facebook world go round!!!!


5. If I don't personally know you or haven't met you - don't add me as a friend. I may know your brother or your third cousin, but I don't know YOU. Plain and simple, dickhead.

This shit is called stalking. Basically. And you know what stalkers like to do? Friend every single goddamn person that has crossed their path in life. It's all fun and games until you find a dead rabbit on your doorstep because you decided to hit "Accept". Shame on you. The FB friend requests that is, and not the flowers he sent to your work once a week.

And quite frankly, if I don't KNOW YOU know you, I don't give a fuck about your dinner that you are posting photos of on FB and Instragram (see below for more on this, attention whore), how many times you go to the same lame ass places with the same lame ass people and do the same goddamn boring ass shit. If I have any fucks to give about your stranger-ass, I would call and ask to go to the lame ass places where you go and to hangout with the lame ass people you hangout with. WORD. That shit got intense, huh?


4. Your judgmental rants are not poetic - just annoying and well...fucking judgmental.

Judgmental rants call for one thing - ATTENTION. There's really no easier way to say it. Congrats, asshole. Now go play Farmville and blow a donkey. Eeee aaaah, mother fucker.  Then, when some 9 year old kicks your middle aged ass at Farmville, burns your farm to the ground and then pisses on the ashes, you will have small fucking reason to rant. And guess what? No one will still give a fuck.


3. I'm sorry but I may love you, but you bringing down my day with your pessimism, drama with your friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, alpaca (I got some sick fuck friends out there) is not my business - don't air your dirty laundry on Facebook. It's just weird. And see above, about no one still giving a fuck.

The best part of this fun-filled drama are the underlying messages no one understands. This goes on for hours on end. With no fucking response from anyone except those friends that share that same drama on their own fucking page. You would be surprised how bad these people want the attention. It starts off with airing dirty laundry and ends up in some famous fucking quote by Socrates that is some type of "ABC After School Special" life lesson. Then it gets summarized by a fucking video post from YouTube on the "tough times" they've been through. Where I'm from, your ass gets slapped for doing some stupid shit like that. Grow up, fuckers.


2. Food pictures - unless you are a professional food photographer - please don't bother, as no picture you ever post will make me want to eat the entree you just took a picture of. Seriously, even if you have a very nice camera.

I'm on the fence with this pet peeve to be quite honest. I don't mind it, but if you take a picture of what you're eating and the shit don't look good, your ass should get body slammed onto a table...then peed on. Right there at the restaurant. By a big mother fucking Sumo Wrestler. We get that you are having a lovely meal since you always enjoy Four Squaring us every location you set foot in. By the way, that's fucking annoying sometimes. Do I really care that you checked into your fucking apartment? I don't even know where you live so why do I care that you're finally fucking home? But I digress...bottom line, don't take pics of shit you wouldn't even feed to your dog.


1. If you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) go ahead text each other, call each other, hangout with each other. In no way do I need to view your personal messages, lovey doveyness and conversations to each other in a public forum. Attention seeking much? I don't care if you have a great relationship. Did Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey teach you anything - keep it to yourself and you might end up staying together!

Aren't those cute little foofy-foofy messages so awesome to read in your news feed? About how your friend loves her boyfriend (vice-versa) so much and he is better than any boyfriend in the world. And if he were to ever leave, she would jump off a fucking bridge onto oncoming traffic because the bond they share is so strong. Yeah, that shit right there, probably makes 90% of your friends gag. I get that you love each other. But when you post shit like that every fucking day, it makes myself along with others want to run your ass over and dump your ass in the river. You want to show each other that you really love and appreciate one another? When you get home, fuck each others brains out. Go down on him, go down on her. Choke her with a gag, slap his ass with a paddle. Talk is cheap, but when you can fuck like gorillas...that's the true meaning of love.

The bottom line of all this is pretty simple - In this day and age when there is so much social networking media out there, sometimes you NEED to censor yourself. Fuck your right to free speech. I have a right to a newsfeed that is not full of your fucking lame ass, tired ass, bullshit. I have some friends who are some funny fuckers and don't abuse facebook like Michael Vick in a dog fight. If you are reading this and nodding your head like you know 20 motherfuckers that this applies to, chances are you are one of the 20.

The next time you think you're about to post some goddamn pearls of wisdom in the form of a motivational poster, or the most awesome burger you have ever had from In-N-Out, check-in at the free clinic or go get your pussy/crack and sack waxed, ask yourself, "Does anyone really give a fuck about what I am about to do or say?"

Chances are, probably not. But I know your ass is still going to post that fucking shit anyway. You are not welcome. Thanks for reading...and possibly laughing a bit too.

Facebook: Breeding a New Civilization

Facebook: (ˈfeɪsˌbʊk)
— n
1.	a popular social networking web

Facebook, the greatest thing since sliced bread, right? What's not to love?? Facebook allows us to search for childhood friends, high school classmates, an old crush, or even your hot neighbor. Researchers say (ok, I say) that Facebook has become the modern high school reunion. Now, instead of only getting the chance to see an old pal every five or ten years to catch up on life, you can do it every second of the day.

But do we really know the lasting (possibly detrimental) affects of the wonderful time-wasting tool that some lovingly refer to as "the book"?

Now some of you may be asking yourselves right now...detrimental? Facebook? It's an innocent website that I use to stay in touch with people, how can that cause any lasting affects? Well kids, let me explain....

The more prevalent social networking becomes, the more the line between your real life and digital life blurs. You're on Facebook at least, what, 20-30 times a day (don't fucking lie to yourself)...first thing before you wake up in the morning, on your commute to and from work, even a few dozen times while you're working, and while on the shitter (it's ok, we all do it). You're now friends with your 2nd grade teacher, all of your co-workers and the handful of random college hookups -- at least those where you caught their name (and we all know that was by the stroke of luck).

And lastly, we bring in the ex's. We're all friends with our ex's, it's our way of saying "I'm over you, but I can still check in on you from time to time." Nothing wrong with browsing their vacation pictures, and of course making sure they're not dating anyone hotter than you, right? WRONG. This is the beginning of the goddamn end.

We all do a bit of "creeping" on Facebook, but sometimes it can get out of hand. For all of you wondering what the definition of "creeping" is: it's when you're on someone's Facebook page, then someone walks up behind you and you close your browser window frantically. THAT, my friend, is creeping. When you're a bit ashamed or embarrassed and the person that sees this, notices right away, you might be doing something a little suspect.

Thanks to Facebook, people now feel okay and even justified in stalking people.

Next, let me introduce one more social networking tool: FourSquare. Or Gowalla, Facebook Places, etc. You pick your poison. So now, not only do you know WHAT your Facebook friends are doing, but WHERE they are doing it.

Uh oh, this is starting to get disastrous.

Have you ever seen a friend of yours "check-in" to a location and you think to yourself, WHAT THE FUCK?...why wasn't I fucking invited? Who are they with? Fuck it, maybe I should just show up and pretend like I didn't know they were there. This is the kind of crazy behavior I am talking about. Don't even try to fucking deny it either, because a vast majority of people are absolutely guilty of this.

And now, the "creeping" begins both online and offline. This is when you start stalking in your real life. Where you once got a thrill by going through your News Feed and seeing what people are doing...is now not enough. AT.ALL. Why you ask? Simple.

- You want more.

- You crave more.

- You want to know what your friends are doing even when they aren't updating their status' or checking-into locations.

- You become obsessed.

- It's been 4 hours since an update or check-in, what could they be doing?

- Why are they not "liking" anything you post?

- How come they aren't commenting on your "inside joke" that you posted to their status that really makes no fucking sense to what's being statusized (that's a new word)?

You are now THAT mother fucker. The scary one. The creep dog. THE STALKER. 

And here it is folks, there's no hope for you. Full-blown neurosis.

Facebook, thanks for breeding a civilization of sick voyeuristic fucks.

You're Welcome for the insights,

Ball Buster

Facebook Confessions: Oozing for Attention

Dear J-Wundeezy,


Ok, I have noticed lately that a bunch of Facebook friends I have, have been posting shit on their status that seem to want attention.  Everything from breaking up with ex's, how shitty their lives are to just being mad all the time.  What the fuck gives?  I know you probably wrote similar columns to this a few times, but this specifically is driving me insane.  It's soooo annoying and sometimes I want to unfriend these people that are just begging for attention.  You are the man with all the answers, so please...answer.  

Sincerely,
My Friends are Pathetic

Advice from J-Wunder:

Dear My Friends are Pathetic,

Your friends are fucking pathetic.  Why are you even friends with these fucks in the first place?  I have to say, this shit seems so fucking common amongst Facebookers.  What am I saying...these people are a bunch of Facebitchers.

Every goddamn day you wake up, you start your day pissed the fuck off.  Why?  Because Debbie fucking Downer has been bitching since 2am about the following:

1) They hate the fucking world.  You know what?  Sometimes I hate the fucking world too but do I have to fucking write about it you silly sack of shit?  I hope you get fucking struck by lightening you goddamn grouch.  Lighten the fuck up and go drink some fucking coffee or something.  

2) They are in constant pain and agony (back, neck, legs, arms, head...EVERYTHING).  I'm curious...while you sit and bitch on FB about your ailments, how on earth is that going to fix your problem?  Some of you mother fuckers aren't even 30 years old and you're talking about shit 80 year old people get.  Arthritis my fucking ass.  Just be honest and say that you have some type of STD, athletes foot, possibly AIDS or a goddamn yeast infection in your vagina and it's not fucking enjoyable at the moment.  For fuck's sake people. 

Stop trying to beg for attention from people that would rather take a bat and beat the shit out of you with, then wish they would posts sincere comments like, "Awwww, I hope you feel better," "If I was there, I would bring you some soup," "Sending my love and prayers."  All I'm saying is deep down inside your "friends" really hope your ass doesn't wake up from the next fucking nap you take...better yet, they are probably hoping your ass chokes on a big mother fucking chicken bone and your face turns blue.  Shut the fuck up you goddamn geriatric and rub some dirt on your wounds you pussy.   

3) They were cheated on.  Congratu-fucking-lations.  You know why you were cheated on?  Because you're fucking clingy.  You're bad in bed.  You can't kiss for shit.  You eat a girl out like you're eating fucking Chinese take-out.  You suck cock like you are trying to kill a rat with your mouth.  You don't act like a man.  You don't act like a woman.  Your cock resembles a coat hanger.  Your vagina looks like something from a bar in Bakersfield.  I can go on and fucking on people.

Guess what friend?  No one gives a shit about you getting cheated on.  Honestly.  If it ain't them that got fucked over, why do they care that the person you loved so damn much, fucked the goddamn garbage man or dental assistant behind your back?  Life goes on for people that don't have those problems.  What are you looking for?  Famous quotes from goddamn Socrates or something to cheer your pathetic ass up?  Oh, let me guess...you need a bunch of friends to take you out, get you wasted so you make yourself look like an ass so you can wind up the next day, on your bathroom floor, naked, covered in throw up?  Go fuck yourself and move on.  Ain't no one want to hear about the shit that doesn't apply to them.  You need someone to talk to, go see Dr. Phil.  I'm sure he would love to deal with your goddamn psychotic ass.

4) Their friends are a bunch of two face bitches.  I'll make this part short and sweet.  News flash dip shit...those mother fuckers aren't your friends.  They never fucking were.  You are just too stupid to notice because you think every mother fucker you meet on the street is your BFF.  Big fucking deal you met some people at a bar and you had drinks together.  Sorry to tell you this, but all they wanted to do was either steal your phone and wallet or fuck your brains out and spread those herpes they contracted last week.  Nothing personal.  See, it's stupid people like you, everyone takes advantage of.  Don't believe me...ask yourself why you go through new friends every 3 months you weird mother fucker.

5) Life sucks and isn't worth living.  Good, I'm glad.  Do everyone a fucking favor and go hang yourself jackass.  Better yet, go drive your car off the side of the goddamn freeway.  Have you heard of therapy?  Maybe, I don't know, finding someone you can have sex with?  I don't care if it's a bum on the street you need to have sex with either.  Have you tried masturbating?  Masturbating always cures depression.  For an interim time only, of course.

Wake up people, can you honestly say writing shit like that on your wall makes people want to still be friends with you?  A cry for help, ya think?!  If life sucks that bad, don't think some friend on Facebook is going to show you the light and preach the "good word" like they are Joel Osteen.  They are too busy posting pictures of their drunk friend making out with a tranny on their page.

Man, you sons of bitches kill me every time you pull some shit like this.  You think other mother fuckers don't have problems and hate their lives too, huh?  Stop posting your shit people don't want to hear about.  It's sad as shit and you look like a fucking clown.  

Oozing for attention.  It's like high school all over again.  The sad thing is, adults actually do this shit.  Fucking adults.  Can you believe that?  The solution is simple friend.  Unfriend these fucking people because the value they have is nothing.  Unless you want to hate life, become addicted to some sort of drug, feel the urge to hate others and start shooting mother fuckers because you are THAT angry, I guess you can still be friends with them.

Life Without Drama Is Like a Good Orgasm,

J-Wunder