J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

The only entertaining thing in Episode 9 (or is it 10?) was this...and that was the man himself, Mike "The Situation". So fuck all the small talk and lets get down to business, shall we?

Left Hangin':
Lets be honest, Mike has feminine qualities. When I say feminine, I mean the dude gets ready like a little fucking bitch. Now that's not to say, chicks are little bitches when they get ready, but when talking about Mike, he falls into that category. I mean, for fuck's sake people, when did "5 minutes" turn into a goddamn hour, right? All the guys wanted, was to get a little din-din before going out for the night, but Mike had to create a fucking production. I get he needs to always look his "fliest" when in public, but damn Mike, it's just dinner mother fucker. And unless you're gonna be fucking the waitress while you wait for your goddamn lasagna platter, then yeah, I'm sure everyone in America (including your roommates) would understand why it's taking you 90 fucking minutes to put some baby powder on your sack while plucking your precious little eyebrows. But that wasn't the case. The fellas got fed up and basically said, "Go fuck yourself...we're hungry and we're leaving NOW." They bounce, he finally gets pimped out, then comes downstairs to find himself alone. Foodless.And.Friendless. Ain't that some shit, right? Wrong...Mike being Mike, always has solutions...

Not letting anyone or anything rain on his parade, he decides to make dinner for himself. However, I got the feeling, something must have hit a fucking nerve because as he was sitting alone at the dinner table, this dude decided to pull out the Crazy Spice card and start talking to his roommates as if they were there...enjoying a delicious fucking meal with the guy. Of course America got a good laugh seeing Mike make the most of getting fucked over, but for JWOWW, I really don't think she was amused. Sure she had that scared laugh while witnessing this imaginary conversation going on between Mike and the guys over some pasta, but you know this bitch was getting ready to call 911 if he tried to pull some Six Sense shit. Who wouldn't, right? I don't know many mother fuckers that eat dinner by themselves and start talking to people that aren't even present. But who am I to talk...I shat myself at a bar once and thought it was no big deal. Anyway, at the end of the day, Mike kept cool and got over it. It could have been worse...he could have pulled a Ron-Ron and started breaking everyone's shit while making their beds outside on the balcony, right?

Taking a Detour:
Either Snooki and Deena have to be the dumbest fucking bitches on this planet or "The Situation" is just a goddamn genius. Remember a few weeks back...Mike wasn't amused with anyone's "pranks" that were being pulled around the house? Only because these "pranks," were nothing but pure and utter child's play that should not be applauded or attempted. Basically, he said without saying, "These pranks have to be the dumbest fucking pranks America is witnessing. Pranks need to be something epic. Memorable. Thought out. My roommates pranks fucking suck." So to prove his point, what does he do? Pulls a prank on those Ewoks, Snooki and Deena...otherwise known as "Dooki".

Being the nice guy Mike is, he calls a cab for the ladies. What they didn't know was that where they thought they were going, was gonna be a good 60 minutes past their lovely destination. Let me ask everyone a question...now, if you were in a cab and knew where you were going, wouldn't you say something if you passed your exit or nearest cross street? Actually...if you were in a cab and the drive was 5 minutes long, then you realized you've been driving for I don't know, a fucking whole goddamn hour, wouldn't you have said something 20 minutes into the fucking drive? Hey, I know...who would do that? These two fucking broads, that's who?

Wow ladies, how did the both of you not realize you were in New York fucking City until you saw the goddamn Statue of Liberty? Seriously. Bravo for being two fucking retarded fucks. Amazing. And to Mike, America applauds you for basically getting a cab for "Dooki" and letting them figure out how to enjoy the ride, I guess. A good prank that went on longer than expected...thanks to two clueless, overly tanned, short, slutty sloots. Oh, and Snooks...don't try to be all fucking pissed off at Mike for pulling a great prank. It's not his fault that you and Deena are dumb as shit and don't know how far a 5 minute drive is from downtown Manhattan. 

SURPRISE!!!:
The bitch is back. And let me just say, when you leave, stay gone. Lemme guess, you couldn't leave everyone else out to dry and you wanted to prove to yourself and America, that you were this strong woman that can handle any situation...blah, blah, fucking blah. Sammi, guess what. Since your back, you're still a cunt. That's right. Thanks for fucking up the dynamic in the Seaside house...AGAIN! Ron-Ron was slowly getting over you...about to blossom back into the old Ronni. The drunk Ronni. The "I'll hook up with any grenade" Ronni. Now you're back, and the madness is sure to begin...once again. Will it be bad? I'm almost positive it will be. I just hope someone gets blasted with a fire extinguisher this time. That would be pretty fucking cool, right? I guess we'll see what madness you decide to bring.


Shit just got interesting again folks. A big reason is because Sammi is back. The bitch is like fucking Satan. So evil that you need some of it once in a while. Tune in next week. I'm sure some more shit will break and more grown man tears will follow.

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

Attention Jersey Shore fans: RONNI IS A GODDAMN FUCKING HEADCASE THAT HAS BI-POLAR AND ANGER ISSUES.  THANK GOD HE SURPRISES ME EVERY WEEK SO I HAVE AMAZING SHIT TO WRITE ABOUT.  Oh, those other roommates are fun to write about too.  Enjoy! 

Mr. "All-Around" Situation:
"Some days I'm Uncle Situation. Other days I'm Dr. Situation, Chef Situation...Bang Your Girl Situation.  I mean, I'm just uhhhh...pretty deep dude." 

Wise words from the guy who is absolutely fucking clueless about life and cock blocks every opportunity he gets.  Mike has no fucking mercy on ANYBODY, I swear.  He's one of those dudes that will be your "best friend", then when you're not looking, turn around and push your ass down a flight of stairs and yell the words, "Ooops...my bad playa."  This fucking guido is absolutely relentless, man.  But to be honest, the world loves him for who he is.  Maybe that's because the shit he pulls compared to Ronni and Sammi is far more entertaining.  Who the fuck knows.  All I know is that this dude gave Ronni the worst advice an adult human being could ever give another bro.  If I remember what that mother fucker exactly said, I would have written it down.  I think I was just caught up in the moment when his last words of encouragement to Ronni were, "I'd rather die standing then live on my knees..." as he proceeded to give himself props for thinking of such a great line.  You're a funny mother fucker, Mike.  You really are.            


Three words: The Great Depression:
"I fucked up, huh?"  "I feel like I destroyed the relationship.  I definitely realize I lost something good now."  For the last three weeks I have spent countless minutes writing about Ronni and Sammi.  And to be quite honest, I thought I would have exhausted all my thoughts about these two.  But as Sammi leaves due to Ron-Ron's absurd behavior, good old Ronni decides to pull some shit that made me say, "Wait, what?" Actually, I think he made America say the same shit I did.

I'm confused.  Last week, did we not watch this individual, single handedly annihilate and destroy his girlfriends belonging and prize possessions?  Did I forget to mention that for nearly 60 "television" minutes, he called her a "bitch", "slut", "cunt" and "whore" every time she opened her mouth?

Now Sammi leaves, and Ronni goes into depressed mode.  Dude, do America a favor and go seek help you crazy mother fucker.  I'm absolutely serious.  Realize that in a 24 hour period, you went from "Rage Against the Machine" to "Jodeci"...like that.  How could one person have so much anger towards another, belittle them, destroy their shit, then act as if they're the victim and what they did wasn't all that bad?  It took all that drama, all that damage, for you to fucking realize that you "definitely lost something good?"  Are you fucking out of your goddamn mind mother fucker?  Ya think, asshole!  You know what your problem is?  You love power and control.  You are the epitome of every psycho/serial killer persona that has ever walked the fucking face of this earth.  While Sammi was around, you treated that crazy bitch however you wanted to...in part, because she was dumb enough to fucking let you.  But once you went Ike Turner on that bitch, she had seen and had enough, so she bounced.  Once that happened, all of the sudden, you're mister, "I miss her and love her so much.  I will die for her."  Mother fucker, that shit right there, describes someone with Bi-fucking-polar disorder.  That's you.  No one just all of the sudden, goes on a goddamn rampage then turns soft.  Unless God had a serious sit-down with your crazy fucking ass that night, then maybe.  But I'm pretty sure that your gorilla ass ain't religious and this isn't no "ABC After School fucking Special".

Understand that mother fuckers, a.k.a. your female roommates, are scared of you, crazy son of a bitch.  Don't hate on them just because they were sticking up for the girl that you basically could have killed, if you two mother fuckers were alone in a goddamn corn field.  For you to get mad at these girls for trying to make a point, just reiterates the fact that you are a goddamn loose cannon and headcase man. I have never in my 31 years of life seen a guy flip the switch as fast as you do.  And I've seen some dudes go crazy on their bitch.  You my friend, are a special exception to the rule.  I really wish I knew what the fuck goes on in that big ass head of yours.  Now that I think about it, I don't think you actually, truly, admitted, TO YOURSELF, that she is gone because of you.  Your ass may have said it, but taking actual ownership of your fucked up actions is nowhere to be found.  How do I know?  Well, watching how you got all goddamn defensive any time your roommates mentioned you were at fault, basically puts the icing on the cake that you're crazy mother fucker and have no clue on what is going on.
 
Buy all the flowers you want, address your unconditional undying love, whatever...all I know is that the shit you pulled in this episode tells me and the rest of America two things: 1) You will be a future inmate at San Quentin State Prison or 2) You will be on America's Most Wanted.  Crazy mother fucker.       


The Prank War:
Cake, dog shit and Crocodilly.  I have never seen a more pathetic display of pranks than what we all just witnessed.  Was it funny?  Kind of.  I mean, the bag with the dog shit was wrong, but I got a good kick out of it.  As soon as I heard Pauly D say, "1, 2, 3, 4...I declare a prank war," I thought that we were going to see some pretty epic stuff.  I'm talking like jerking off in the girls conditioner bottle, shitting in the back of the toilet tank, putting pubes in their salad...you know, actual pranks.  Was that too much?  You guys have done shit like this before, right?  Wait, maybe I'm the only one that's done these types of things.  Uhhh, this is awkward.  Ok, on to the next topic...


Case of the shit-stained panties:
Alright guys, who's shit-stained panties was it?  Constipated ass Deena?  Overly bronzed Snooki?  Big titty JWOWW?  Well, whoever the fuck it was, it was pretty goddamn nasty.  Did you guys actually see the shit stain on those drawers?  It literally looked like it went from the top of their vagina to the top of their ass crack.  What the fuck is going on here?  What an awful night to have the shits and wear white, right?  See, dudes aren't the only ones that get skid marks.


Payback's a bitch:
You saw it.  I saw it.  Last week, good guy Vinny was about to get some ass from a very hot number he met at the club, until...Uncle fucking Guido and the Italian Mafia decided to show up and ruin his game on the late night.  Talk about being cock blocked.  This dude had a wall of dicks show up and play "Captain Save a Ho".  Such a very low blow to ones penis.  However, we all know that if they wouldn't have shown up, his dick would have been so far up this gal, that she would have needed a stretcher to be removed from his bed.  Hey, I'm not the one that claims this dudes dick is a size of a baseball bat.  But hearing these rumors just gives me added incentive to give the guy props.

Fast forward a week later and what do ya know...the dude Snooks decides to bring home was one of the cock blockers from last week.  So what happens?  Payback.  Payback for what Vinny was planning to do with Pocahontis but couldn't because this guy and his posse, "Menudo", decided to ruin the show.  Vinny has no shame, bust down the door and pulls out his very own hate card.  For a second, myself along with America thought it was going to work.  Lucky for Mr. Hook-up, Snooki fought for that cock she so desparately wanted and it was the end of Vinny and his attempt on revenge. 

Tell me this though...what the fuck was up with the guy asking Snooki what his name was about 57 times?  Dude, what the fuck does it matter?  You're about to get fucking laid without needing to pay for it.  Shut the fuck up, stick your dick in her and call it a night.  For fuck's sake man, you sound like someone that is about to have sex for the first fucking time.  Embrace the fact that you're getting pussy.  So what if it's from a slut like Snooki.  Pussy is pussy.  Well, until you get some shit on your dick...then it's not so cool.


Another episode down, another few more to go.  Is Sammi returning?  Is Mike going to finally fuck one of his female roommates?  Is Ronni going to jump off the balcony or possibly "accidentally" kill someone in their sleep?  Hey, my guess is as good as yours, so do what I do and stay glued to your tv's next week.