J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

Episode 9 (or is it 10) was pretty interesting. Fuck the bullshit intro. Lets go to the mother fucking play-by-play, shall we? Oh, and you're welcome. Check it...


She's BAAAAACCCKKK:
Awkward moments are never fun. Especially when you think someone that left was never coming back...then fucking ends up coming back. Fuck goddamnit, we were wrong people. America knew that Ron-Ron was just beginning to find himself too. We were starting to see glimpses of the old Ronni. Looks like those plans have changed huh, mother fucker?! Surprise!!! Cunt face Sammi is back and apparently, "better than ever"! Somebody fucking throw me off a buiding...I'll stand on the ledge to make it easier for ya.

First off, bitch, you were gone for like what...2 weeks? All of the sudden, you are this NEW person. Get the fuck out of here with that shit. Secondly, all this, "I'm a strong woman" bullshit, just needs to stop. America ain't fucking stupid and we all know that you are weak and will go back to Ronni, sooner than later. You may act like you don't give a shit now, but I'm betting the goddamn house that you will be fucking that dude in the next episode...reverse cowgirl style too. You know, it's chicks like you that need help. I'm not saying Ronni is a saint because that mother fucker is crazy and delusional. I mean, I've never seen a guy go from breaking shit that wasn't his, to crying like a goddamn baby in a matter of 15 fucking minutes. I do have to say though, when Sammi entered the house, the look on Ronni's face was fucking priceless. It was as if he went to the doctor's office and found out he got AIDS from fucking one too many grenades with no condom. Aaaah, the look of disappoint and fear is one to always cherish. 

From the man himself, "The Situation," I quote: "Looks like it's back to the old Sam and Ron saga..."

You're telling me mother fucker.  


Give it Up Ronni:
"You look beautiful tonight." "I don't wanna like, smother you."

The attempt to hand hold. Leaving the club before it even gets poppin'. Waiting by the door for Sammi to arrive. Ronni, I have one word for you bro: Pussy. You my friend need to sack the fuck up, drink some milk and show this bitch that she's exactly that...a bitch. Hey man, the world knows you are fucked up in the head. Not Charlie Sheen fucked up, but damn near close. So why are you confirming the fact that you are also a fucking vagina? And not a nice waxed vagina either. But a smelly, hairy, lonely and angry vagina.

Ron-Ron, do you know about 45% of people like you, kill bitches like Sammi? When I say kill, I mean, like you stab or choke a bitch out of love. And do you know why? Because you're fucking crazy bro and obsessed. You think that "love" is arguing. Breaking shit. Making people's beds out on balcony's. Crying uncontrollably while looking like you might take a knife and stab an innocent bystander walking by. Calling a girl a cunt then saying, "I love you so much baby." 45% of people are like you. 100% fucking crazy bro. I don't know what you're up to and why you want Sammi back but, for whatever the case, just know that the next big argument that ensues, I hope someone gets stabbed. Not seriously stabbed, but enough to warrant a hospital visit and maybe some questioning by the Jersey Shore Police Department.

Quit being a bitch, sack the fuck up and start being a man. You big ass pussy.


Who drank the Haterade?:
Let me give you a hint...she's overly tanned, stature of an Ewok, loves anything that smells like food and has a vagina the size of a honey dew melon. Can you guess who? You guessed it right...the Snookster!

One thing I can't fucking stand...it's a goddamn hater. Especially a hater that is not only a LUSH, but a SLUT too. That's possibly the worst fucking hater combo known to man. Hey Snooks, how is banging dudes while hating on your big dick of a roommate necessary? I mean, the dude made it perfectly clear weeks ago, that he ain't trying to fuck you if you're gonna be a hater if he wants to bang other broads. You may hate the fact that Vinny said it, but he was honest. And how could you possibly hate a dude like that, right? Oh that's right, you hate because your vagina's lonely. I guess I would hate too considering your success rate of asking dudes to bone you is a measly 12%. Ouch.

And what is this shit with Sammi, manly ass Deena and JWOWW trying to confide in Snooks? You fucking serious ladies? Hey, do me a favor...stay the fuck out of it. Don't try to give Vinny a guilt trip for something he can't control...and that's an emotional wreck named S-N-O-O-K-I. Especially you Sammi. You little bitch. Trying to talk like you're a goddamn love expert. You're the last person, anyone should listen to. If anything, you need experience what real dick taste like before you open your fucking mouth. Cunt.

Damn, I was a little angry there, huh? Who cares. Sammi's a bitch.


The Hi-Five:
Did anyone see Pauley D hi-five that chick he banged goodbye? He gave her a serious and awkward hi-five. Just one. One hi-five. Not a hug. Not a kiss. Not even an awkward hug where your ass is really pointed out and your back is stiff as a board. But a hi-five. Like the shit you give dudes for making a three-point play. What chicks give one another when they make a "kill" in volleyball. A hi-five? Shit, he got laid so I guess a hi-five is cool. But damn, that's like kissing your cousin when you see them. Not on the lips or anything. Unless you're into that.


The Broken Toilet:
I don't want to get into specific details, because when I think about it, I just end up throwing up in my fucking mouth and honestly, that shit ain't fucking cool. Just know that when a plumber sees what your toilet looks like and is scared shitless of it, then you know shit is fucking REALLY BAD.

They finally got that fucking toilet fixed after weeks of someones shit just hanging out and marinating like it was a fucking steak. Congrats you lazy, dirty, fucks! Man, I need to go and throw the fuck up now.


Karma (not the club) fucking sucks:
Cheese spreads are awesome and taste delightfully delicious. But not so fucking awesome and delicious when that shit resides in between the sheets of your bed. Without you knowing. AND while you're about to bang a broad you just brought home. One word: Karma. Four words: Sucks to be you. It was only a matter of time until some of the roommates got payback on Mr. Mike. Was it justified? What the fuck does it matter, the shit was hilarious. I mean, putting a shit load of cheese in someone's bed that you know won't wash them (EVER) is pretty clever. I'm just wondering how long it's gonna take Mike to realize that it wasn't the broad that smelled like gouda, but the shit he's sleeping on top of. Which reminds me...how is it that Mike didn't know that you could get an STD from someone giving you head? For a guy that has "fucked a lot" of chicks, you would think he would be the expert on the consequences of hooking up with multiple broads.

Fun fact of the day: A woman with a yeast infection could in fact, smell like cheese. That is pretty fucking disgusting. Wow. I really just said that, huh? I guess if you were hungry for something cheesy, it's never a bad thing to ask the chick you're boning. I mean, how often do chicks get yeast build-up between their legs? Once a month? Maybe twice? Ooookkkk...this is awkward...

What's in store for next week folks? Do Sammi and Ronni get back together? Does Vinny stick his dick back into that Fondu Bronzer of a Fountain that is Snooki? Is Deena going to get laid or will she look more and more like a man as each episode passes? America wants drama, comedy and drunken chaos. We are due for something folks. I can fucking feel it.

J-Wunder's Jersey Shore Review

The only entertaining thing in Episode 9 (or is it 10?) was this...and that was the man himself, Mike "The Situation". So fuck all the small talk and lets get down to business, shall we?

Left Hangin':
Lets be honest, Mike has feminine qualities. When I say feminine, I mean the dude gets ready like a little fucking bitch. Now that's not to say, chicks are little bitches when they get ready, but when talking about Mike, he falls into that category. I mean, for fuck's sake people, when did "5 minutes" turn into a goddamn hour, right? All the guys wanted, was to get a little din-din before going out for the night, but Mike had to create a fucking production. I get he needs to always look his "fliest" when in public, but damn Mike, it's just dinner mother fucker. And unless you're gonna be fucking the waitress while you wait for your goddamn lasagna platter, then yeah, I'm sure everyone in America (including your roommates) would understand why it's taking you 90 fucking minutes to put some baby powder on your sack while plucking your precious little eyebrows. But that wasn't the case. The fellas got fed up and basically said, "Go fuck yourself...we're hungry and we're leaving NOW." They bounce, he finally gets pimped out, then comes downstairs to find himself alone. Foodless.And.Friendless. Ain't that some shit, right? Wrong...Mike being Mike, always has solutions...

Not letting anyone or anything rain on his parade, he decides to make dinner for himself. However, I got the feeling, something must have hit a fucking nerve because as he was sitting alone at the dinner table, this dude decided to pull out the Crazy Spice card and start talking to his roommates as if they were there...enjoying a delicious fucking meal with the guy. Of course America got a good laugh seeing Mike make the most of getting fucked over, but for JWOWW, I really don't think she was amused. Sure she had that scared laugh while witnessing this imaginary conversation going on between Mike and the guys over some pasta, but you know this bitch was getting ready to call 911 if he tried to pull some Six Sense shit. Who wouldn't, right? I don't know many mother fuckers that eat dinner by themselves and start talking to people that aren't even present. But who am I to talk...I shat myself at a bar once and thought it was no big deal. Anyway, at the end of the day, Mike kept cool and got over it. It could have been worse...he could have pulled a Ron-Ron and started breaking everyone's shit while making their beds outside on the balcony, right?

Taking a Detour:
Either Snooki and Deena have to be the dumbest fucking bitches on this planet or "The Situation" is just a goddamn genius. Remember a few weeks back...Mike wasn't amused with anyone's "pranks" that were being pulled around the house? Only because these "pranks," were nothing but pure and utter child's play that should not be applauded or attempted. Basically, he said without saying, "These pranks have to be the dumbest fucking pranks America is witnessing. Pranks need to be something epic. Memorable. Thought out. My roommates pranks fucking suck." So to prove his point, what does he do? Pulls a prank on those Ewoks, Snooki and Deena...otherwise known as "Dooki".

Being the nice guy Mike is, he calls a cab for the ladies. What they didn't know was that where they thought they were going, was gonna be a good 60 minutes past their lovely destination. Let me ask everyone a question...now, if you were in a cab and knew where you were going, wouldn't you say something if you passed your exit or nearest cross street? Actually...if you were in a cab and the drive was 5 minutes long, then you realized you've been driving for I don't know, a fucking whole goddamn hour, wouldn't you have said something 20 minutes into the fucking drive? Hey, I know...who would do that? These two fucking broads, that's who?

Wow ladies, how did the both of you not realize you were in New York fucking City until you saw the goddamn Statue of Liberty? Seriously. Bravo for being two fucking retarded fucks. Amazing. And to Mike, America applauds you for basically getting a cab for "Dooki" and letting them figure out how to enjoy the ride, I guess. A good prank that went on longer than expected...thanks to two clueless, overly tanned, short, slutty sloots. Oh, and Snooks...don't try to be all fucking pissed off at Mike for pulling a great prank. It's not his fault that you and Deena are dumb as shit and don't know how far a 5 minute drive is from downtown Manhattan. 

SURPRISE!!!:
The bitch is back. And let me just say, when you leave, stay gone. Lemme guess, you couldn't leave everyone else out to dry and you wanted to prove to yourself and America, that you were this strong woman that can handle any situation...blah, blah, fucking blah. Sammi, guess what. Since your back, you're still a cunt. That's right. Thanks for fucking up the dynamic in the Seaside house...AGAIN! Ron-Ron was slowly getting over you...about to blossom back into the old Ronni. The drunk Ronni. The "I'll hook up with any grenade" Ronni. Now you're back, and the madness is sure to begin...once again. Will it be bad? I'm almost positive it will be. I just hope someone gets blasted with a fire extinguisher this time. That would be pretty fucking cool, right? I guess we'll see what madness you decide to bring.


Shit just got interesting again folks. A big reason is because Sammi is back. The bitch is like fucking Satan. So evil that you need some of it once in a while. Tune in next week. I'm sure some more shit will break and more grown man tears will follow.