An Eye For An Eye...

Advice Column: The Ultimate Revenge

Dear CREW,

Hey, was wondering if you could help me out with some ideas of revenge for my ex of 3 years. I broke up with him the day after Christmas and he hasn't left me alone since. He has a page on facebook with a couple other guys called "she wants the dick" and they all harass me. They have posted my phone number so much I had to change it, then he found that one and they are calling every night again. He called my mother who is deathly ill and told her I was addicted to crystal meth...I could go on about the fucked up shit this little bitch has done, but I think you get the point. Help me think of some good ways to get back at him?

Thanks,
Blondie


Dear Blondie,

Three expert opinions. Grab some fucking paper and something to fucking write with...time to learn a thing or three. You're welcome.


H-Bomb:
These are some things that have worked for me in the past. Now, I am not a 'slash your tire' kind of crazy bitch. I am a, make you fucking beg for mercy kind of spiteful person. Hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but hell ain't got shit on a scorned H-Bomb. Obviously, this guy still has some kind of lingering feelings for you or is a raging sociopath. Either way, this fucker needs to be taught a lesson.

1) Quid Pro Quo, mother-fucker, as I always say. So this guy wants to start a FB page about you? Start one about him called "no one wants this little dick" and post pics of tiny peckers and tag him and his friends. In all of them. Sure, you are probably going to get banned a few times from FB and have to keep changing email address, but maybe when you start fighting fire with fire, he might cool off.

2) Hit him where it hurts. When I found out that my ex of several years was cheating on me I went out and I got drunk. And he paid for it. With our joint credit card. And then I went shopping. With our joint credit card. And then I went out again, and again and again. And when I felt I was sufficiently compensated for my time and effort (and right before our billing cycle ended) I called the credit card companies and tearfully removed my self from all the accounts, claiming the break up was so devastating and that I couldn't even talk to him long enough to get him to call and verify all of this. So they took me off and a few weeks later he got all the credit card bills. He asked me how I could spend $3000 in one day, so I asked him how he could keep sticking his dick in other people? The moral of the story? He had to take out a loan from his parents to pay off my expenditures.

3) Fuck him. Literally. Like I said, I still think he wants you back or is harboring some feelings for you. So get yourself good and fucked up. What time is it? Roofie Colada time. Once you are good and drunk, call him, profess your love, blah blah blah. Offer him your goods, and by goods I mean your vagina. I am almost certain that he is down to pound, so make him thinks he is going to get it. Meet up with him and his boys and then go fuck one his boys and make sure he can either a) hear you or b) see you. And if it is one of those boys that is also helping him fuck with you, make sure you tell everyone that he couldn't even get his 2 inches hard enough to fuck your ear hole, let alone your actual clamburger.

And if that shit doesn't work, set some shit on fire. That usually helps me clear my thoughts.


L-Train:
Why did you wait until the day after Christmas to break up with him? Did you break up with him because he got you a shitty gift or no gift at all? Did he give you a box of those vag wipes? Did you need them?? Are you one of those women that decides the fate of a relationship on some stupid shit like what he buys you? I could see how that would piss a brother off. Whatever the reasons for the break-up, there’s one thing I know for sure: your boy is TRIPPIN’. The way I see it, Blondie, you have a couple of options. There are obviously many options, but the ones that would feel the best to you are probably illegal and will land you in a jail cell with Skaggie Maggie the Tweeting Prostitute, or worse. I have a few favorites. They both require cooperation and a vow of absolute silence from your closest group of guy friends. Once they hear the plan, they won’t ever want it to leave the circle anyway.

Anyone who grew up in a real neighborhood (not a subdivision) and did their share of scrapping knows there is no better remedy for a trippin’ psycho than a good beatdown. A good, old-fashioned blanket party, if executed correctly, leaves an impression that lasts a lifetime. It also provides immediate insulation from retaliation and a certain amount of anonymity, which is good because the kind of lame-o who spits his shit lip on a Facebook page is the same kind of lame-o who will have your avenged ass arrested and incarcerated. I think jail time cancels out the victory, but I could be wrong about that shit. Maybe it’s worth it to you, but I am too pretty for prison. Back to the point. The properly executed blanket party is very poetic and beautiful: You catch dude unawares, drop a blanket over his head and beat the living shit out of him. See? Poetry. I have a friend (sorry, Joey, but I’m putting your shit on blast right now) who always claimed he was so aware of his surroundings and such a ninja that nobody could ever pull off the blanket party. We decided Joey was dead wrong about that. We practiced a few times with my Dad who, 3 years later, still cries about a “bruised tailbone” and “something wrong with his elbow.” Sorry, Dad, but maybe you should stop telling everyone that you’re “a young 74”. And you were all too willing to roll around on the ground with three of my friends. Again, back to the point.With the cooperation of our boyfriends who were chilling at Joey’s house watching football on a Sunday afternoon, me and THREE OTHER GIRLS posted up in his backyard and waited for him to come outside to throw some steaks on the grill. We charged him, used the blanket to clothesline him and knock him off his feet, Big Girl sat on him to hold him down and we beat the shit outta that guy with a pillowcase of wet sponges. We didn’t hurt him, but he was soaking wet and so pissed off that he grabbed the steaks off the grill with his bare hands and started launching them like the wrong kind of beef missiles. Again, he wasn’t hurt, but we sure got our point across. You could try this with your girlfriends, but it’s a risky venture. When hurt feelings are involved, there’s usually some anger. Things could turn really ugly really quickly. If you have your boys help you out, make sure they know to scare the shit out of him but not hurt him. We’re not trying to send you to jail in this bitch, just get you some ice cold revenge.

(Note: The Ghetto Genius and his crew do not condone any form of physical violence. These suggestions are for entertainment purposes only. And you KNOW you’re entertained.)

The other option is the ultimate poetic justice, IMHO. I think you take H-Bomb’s Roofie Colada to the next level. Here’s how: Get that douchetard so wasted, he doesn’t remember his own name. Boink him if you wish, but make sure he is good and passed out. Get your boys to take pics with their junk in, on and around his mouth. If they’re really good friends, let them all “finish” on his face. Circle muy jerk-o, all up in this bitch. Take pictures - LOTS of pictures - and email him 3 or 4 of your favorites – preferably one or more with a little baby batter on his lips. Tell him the Facebook gangster bullshit stops or the next thing he sees blowing up his newsfeed is your new photo album. The thing is, dude took it to this level. He put your personal shit on Facebook like a puss (although there are about 2 dozen pages with some form of “she wants the dick” in the name, one of them has only 2 likers and I bet that’s him), got his sissy friends to harass you, gave the world your phone number and brought your mom into shit. He couldn’t possibly think he was going to get away with it. He must not know you get your advice from the Ghetto Genius? Go ‘head and handle that.


J-Wunder: 
I'm gonna be fucking real. These bitches up top ^^^^^ are fucking funny as fucking shit. And they are crazy. Why do you think I have them as my contributors? Because I wouldn't want to fuck with them. EVER. Ok, I would FUCK them, just not fuck WITH them. You feel me?

Aight...I'll be short because these fine ladies have basically given you amazing ammo to fuck over Little Dick Magee so bad that he'll probably end up moving out of the country to be the next poor bastard you see at Donkey Shows in Tijuana. Real talk. Anyway, if there is one thing I could offer that you need to do, it's this:

You need to find a hot looking broad with herpes to fuck him. You're probably thinking, "Whoa J-Wun...herpes is the gift that keeps on giving. Is that possible?" Bitch, yes it's possible and if you hate this mother fucker as much as you say you do, do this shit. Trust me. Why? Because I pulled this shit on an ex that thought fucking 3 of my friends was cool and I wouldn't find out. Little did she know...I find out EVERYTHING. Guys can't hold secrets for shit. Why do you think we say, "Bro's before Hoe's"? Cold-blooded on my part? Absolutely. Well deserved on hers? Hell mother fucking yes. Bitch comes with a disclaimer for every dude she meets now. WINNING.

You're probably thinking, "Where am I gonna find a chick with the herp to fuck my ex?" Bitch, you got friends. Friends that you and I both know have an STD...especially the herp. Truth be told, 1 out of like every 7 friends or some bullshit like that, has something wrong with their in-between. That shit was never me so get your mind right and stop wondering if I've ever had dick cheese, cunt. All you need to do is ask around because chicks know secrets about other chicks and if there is one thing they know, it's which bitch is shooting flames out of their pussy when they pee. Once you find out who the lucky vag is, you hit her up...tell her you know a guy that might be into her. Set that shit up like a blind date gone RIGHT. If shit works out and they end up meeting, you know there's a good chance they're gonna be fucking. Because lets be honest...a bitch that got the herp is no goddamn angel. And don't give me some shit like good girls can get the herp too. Fuck that. Good girls don't go fuck dirty dudes. If a broad has the herp, then she likes to fuck...anything and EVERYONE (am I being a judgmental asshole? yes...yes I am). And as for your boy...well, he sounds like a dude that loves to raw dog like a mother fucker. Once he fucks Herps Montana, I guarantee this will be the last person he raws dogs again. Trust me.

That's about it, bitch. You got some ideas now, so go put that shit to work. Do not disappoint and for the love of all things fucking holy...make us proud fucker.

One love,

The CREW

Midget Revenge

A Joburg man has taken to an online forum to request that a midget kick his ex-girlfriend. And he’s quite upset that he isn’t being taken seriously.

Despite the advert being viewed over 2 500 times on the Gumtree website since Monday (the same day his ex ended the relationship) the man, known only as Brett, says he has received replies from the obese and women armed with heels, but no willing little people.

“I was recently dumped and require the services of a midget to go and kick my ex-girlfriend in the shins whilst she is at work,” reads Brett’s bizarre Gumtree advert.

“All you need to do is go into the shop, kick her once (not too hard) in the shin, and leave. I’ll supply all the details needed if you are hired.”

He adds that a friend requires a midget to do flick-flacks and breathe fire at their wedding.

During a phone interview with The Star on Thursday, Brett seemed appalled at the suggestion that his advert might be a joke.

“I clearly took it out because I want my ex-girlfriend to be kicked in the shins,” he said. “Midget revenge is the only form of revenge that works these days.”

He rejected the assertion that his actions were discriminatory towards little people. “F*** if I care,” he said. “They know they are midgets. I’m not being politically correct about this.”

He took a similar stance on violence. “Violence would be if I asked the midget to kick her hard and then set her on fire.”

Brett, who works for a Sandton marketing company, said on Sunday, the day before he was dumped, had been his ex’s birthday. They had been dating for two months and he had bought her an expensive baking book. But when she dumped him, he couldn’t take it back because he had written her name in it.

This delightful young man, who claims to have the body of Brad Pitt and the personality of “everyone awesome ever”, did receive a response to his advert, which he rejected.

A woman called Audrey replied, thinking the advert was a joke. She said she was relatively short and had spiky heels she could use to hit Brett’s ex.

“Sometimes I’ve bad days and perhaps giving someone a mild kicking would help,” she added. Brett said: “If you’re not a midget, you’re a waste of time and space. Sorry. Declined.”

After a lengthy e-mail interchange between the two in which clowns and making people cry was discussed, Audrey decided Brett was more rude than funny. She posted the following response advert on Gumtree.

“A very angry man recently dumped is suffering from severe anger issues and in need of some serious therapy. He also has midget fetishes and as a result is suffering from poor social skills and needs some help to adjust into normal society.

“Please help this poor man to get over his issues as there aren’t many midgets out there and he’ll end up feeling lost and lonely.”

Brett claims he is a serious man and continues to seek an answer to his advert. - The Star

via - IOL

Advice Column: Ultimate Revenge

Dear J-Wunder,

I'm not talking about the dutch ovens from sleepovers in 7th grade... haha very funny, you trapped me under the covers and farted. A little stinky, a lot embarrassing, but nothing compared to the WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) that exploded in my master bedroom last night. I'm talking a stench worse than duck butter mixed with napalm, so bad that my uvula almost turned inside out. My eyes were stinging. I could taste particles from the inside of an ass cannon. My husband muttered, "oops" and promptly passed out, while I suffered the after effects every time I even dared to move an inch. The whole room became a dutch oven. Hell, I'm surprised the baby didn't wake up 2 rooms away and utter his first sentence, "What the fuck kind of atom bomb dysentery shit smell is that, dad????"

The odor hung around for hours and haunted me in my sleep. Even now, I can still taste it if I think about it hard enough. And so, J-Wunder, I beg of you.... what is the appropriate revenge to take, apart from holding his ass down and taking a brown swirl on his forehead?




Dear <blank>,

I know one other person that cleared a whole room like this once.  And I'm not talking about a room with just one individual.  Nah, I'm talking about a whole fucking basketball team.  But I guess that should really be no surprise considering the whole team witnessed their back-up shooting guard devour 8 slices of Round Table pizza, a Choco Taco and a FAMILY size bag of nacho cheese Doritos in one sitting.  What made this situation worse was the fact that the whole team was hanging out in one hotel room watching Jenny McCarthy's 1993 Playboy Bunny video.  13 boys, one room, and a naked Jenny MacCarthy.  Go ahead and picture that shit when you have a moment.  I'm just saying it wasn't coincidence that the room was dark and 11 of the 13 dudes were lying on their stomach's because it was comfortable.  Awkward, I know. 

It wasn't even 20 minutes into this memorable VHS soft porn, when that 17 year old boy from Riverbank, CA unleashed something in that hotel room that was more devastating than the bombing of Pearl Harbor.  If there was a new poison that could have killed innocent bystanders, that fart was it.  The reaction by 12 other guys, was of profound fucking sadness.  It was as if, everyone in that rooms puppy had just been run over by the white trash neighbor's big ass F-250 extended cab, special edition, flow master, monster truck.  True story.       

The shit that came out of this young boy was like that of your husband's asshole.  It was exactly what you described but the details of that smell could be talked about for goddamn centuries.  I bet, Genghis fucking Khan never experienced anything like this.  I mean, if you take what you said, and added a landfill of dead corpses, marinated them with fish and Kim Chee...then topped it off with a hint of vinegar and La Victoria salsa - hot, not mild, those two farts would still win the shiny fucking disco ball.  You would have rather got in a goddamn car wreck, right?  So would have those 12 other mother fuckers.  It's an experience you are trying to purge from your memory that can and will never, right the wrong. 

The best and only way to describe this smell would be:

CONCENTRATED SIN WITH A SPRINKLE OF NEVER AGAIN!!!

What the fuck that means, I have no goddamn idea.  All I know is, this is the best fucking way to describe it.  For you and I both.

Revenge is sweet.  So sweet, that giving back what once was given, seems fucking pointless and just not original.  At first, it seemed the only way to revenge your husbands fart would be to bottle up concentrated fucking evil.  Have your husband abducted in his sleep and tie him up in a kidnapper van.  Roll the windows up, break some shit and crank up the heater.  Not to mention have a wet dog with some Hog Head cheese.  But that's not enough.

What you had to go through is almost unforgiving.  The shit you had to ingest was worse than second hand smoke.  It was worse than a crack addiction.  It was worse than sucking a homeless man's dick that has AIDS and the worst case of genital warts a hospital has ever seen.  Yeah, it's way fucking worse.  By April, don't ask yourself why you've had a raging fucking headache for the last 3 months.  You know why.  It's no magical secret.  Here's what you need to do for sweet revenge:

Plan a night out.  You need to get a babysitter, and have one romantic evening with him.  One on one.  Husband and wife.  Fuck mates.  I'm talking candle lit fucking dinner.  Tasty ass Mojito's.  Steak.  Lobster.  A little dessert.  Make this mother fucking shit magical woman.  Hell, if you want to take his ass dancing, go for it.  It's all good. 

Go back to your place then proceed to do the follow:

Pop in some Marvin Gaye.  Tell your horny ass husband to light some candles and relax on the bed.  While he does this, go throw on some sexy lingerie.  When I say sexy, I mean some crotchless fucking panties and some tassels on your nipples.  This is all you need.  Lets be honest, the time it will take you to put on something elegant will be ripped off your body in half that time (just looking out for ya). Since you two will be liquored up and horny as fuck, make sure you don't move too fast and hope on his pogo-stick right away.  Teasing is fun...so have him lay down, and go to town on this dude, like I know you are capable of.

I really don't know what kinda foreplay you're into, but what you MUST do, is blow your man like you're trying to savor the last Tootsie Pop that you will ever put in your goddamn mouth again.  Suck his shit like you were sucking down those three Mojito's at dinner.  By this time, he's gonna be relaxed, eyes closed, ready for more.  And right when that happens, pull out the Icy Hot.  He won't notice a thing since you are giving him what he wants so no need to be worried.  Trust me.   

Don't be shy, get a nice tit full of that shit in your hand.  Just don't put it in both hands because if you do that, you're just being greedy.  You want revenge, not a 2 day visit to the goddamn ER.  Once you're ready, lube up your man's hard ass dong and jack him off faster than Usain Bolt runs the 40.  I'm talking like you are getting in the best Shake Weight workout you could possibly imagine.  Just make sure you get everything.  I'm talking his shaft, dick hole, nut sack...shit, rub that shit on his taint and asshole if you want to.  Men can deny it but, we like our assholes to be tickled once in a while.  Within 1 minute of giving his cock the ultimate rub down, he's gonna question a few things: 1) Why does his dick, balls and asshole feel like someone put it in a meat locker, 2) Did you decide to pound a whole bottle Tabasco sauce before sucking his meat stick...his dick feels like it has been flame broiled, 3) He knew he should have wore a condom when he went to TJ...something is really fucking wrong down there, 4) Are you working on a new technique because he's never felt this pain before, 5) Is it even safe to open his eyes?!

I would imagine getting your dick doused in Icy Hot is worse than catching three STD's at once.  A man's dick is something you shouldn't fuck with.  I mean, could you imagine someone massaging that shit on your vagina?  That would be the true meaning of a Hot Cake, right?  Just  make sure when you do this, you look at him...smile and tell him you'll turn on the shower for him.  What he doesn't know is that his dick will be fucked up for at least 2 days.  Oh, and if you do put that shit in his dick hole, be weary of the fact that it might be painful for him to take a piss.  He really didn't fuck any stripper in Tijuana.  This is my gift to you.   

Good luck and if you do this, take pictures.

Paybacks a Bitch,

J-Wunder 

P.S. - If you were wondering who that 17 year old kid was that farted so bad he could have killed a small herd of cattle...that was me.  No one ever paid me back for it, only because the smell was so bad, it gave everyone short term memory loss.  You're Welcome!