Wait, What?! Podcast: Episode 24 - The Valentine's Day Special

Advice Column: The Grass Has Better Dick On The Other Side

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Advice Column: Played Like A Game of Yahtzee

Hi J,

First things first, I wish to remain a anonymous. That being said I have this coworker/former boss that kinda crosses over as a friend. Not a bff but she keeps things interesting at work.  She is dating this dude that is straight up playing her. She's a smart, pretty, and "spiritual" girl. He keeps giving her the line that other that he  wants to divorce his wife but he feels bad for her (the wife) bc she's been through some rough shit with her Dad passing.  He also has a kid that he misses all the time but he works so much and the "wife and kid" live in another state so he doesn't see the kid and it gives him the super sads.  There are so many red flags it would give a mime a period on the spot. I'm at a loss giving advice to someone who knows in their head what's up but follows their 3 ventricle heart instead.  Please advise.



Dear Person Who Wishes To Remain Anonymous,

Look at you trying to put your girl on blast. You shady motherfucker, you. Haha! I got jokes. But still, that's fucked up. Thanks for sending me shit to write about. Ok, enough about pointless bullshit, onto your question at hand.

Tell me...how old is this gal and where the fuck do y'all work? Are you some Forever 21 retail mall motherfuckers or something? The only reason I ask is because this sounds like some Saved By The Bell bullshit. You gotta be a stupid motherfucker to fall for shit like that. I mean, retarded motherfuckers know when someone of this caliber is throwing shade. Know what I'm saying?!

Here's the reality Sweet Tits - it's not your responsibility to give her ANY advice. If anything, what YOU need to do is tell this broad what the fuck is the REAL DEAL...because let's be honest, this bitch is dumb and is one of them broads that falls for lines like, "Is that a keg in your pants, because I'd like to tap that ass," huh? I don't care how smart, pretty or spiritual she is...this chick could be the Dali fucking Lama for all I care and the fact is, she's digging her own grave. Do you think for one goddamn second that this dude is telling any sort of truth? For all we know, he's staying with his wife so he doesn't get fucked on health insurance and have to pay out the ass for filing for divorce and child support. Straight up. Assholes like that do shit like this bc why? Because it's fucking easy and going through all the motions is a pain in the fucking ass.

A while back, I used to feel sorry for people like your co-worker. Then I thought, "Why? Why the fuck should I feel sorry for someone who knows what they are getting into?" And when I say "getting into" I mean this bitch fucking around with a dude who is married and isn't getting divorced any time soon to his wife who lives in another state with their child. What in the holy fuck is that shit about, right? First mistake, getting involved with a dude that is married. Some chicks can deal with it, some go off the motherfucking deep end and then that Fatal Attraction shit begins. Don't act like you don't know, crazy bitches. You know what the fuck y'all are doing. Anyway...

The situation is a double edged sword. She's single and quite honestly, this broad can do whatever the fuck she wants with whomever she fucking wants. Married or not, it's really not her problem. Now, on the topic of her maybe wanting something more than just fucking a guy who made some bullshit vows to another woman...well, the bitch is just delusional if she thinks he's gonna leave his gal. If the dude hasn't done it already, he ain't gonna do it anytime soon. Men are special creatures. We like to stalk prey that is weak. Vulnerable. Easy to target. Kinda sounds like me in college...but I digress.

Any time we are bored with something we have, we move onto the next best thing we can get our hands on or put our dick in. That being this dumb bitch who you work with. Now, could we call this chick dumb for falling for what this guy is saying? I'm 100% sure she's a dumb bitch. Would any other girl fall for this same type of fuckery? Absolutely. As long as they are weak, vulnerable and easy to target, that shit is locked up and put away safe. Take note dumb bitches because I'm talking about you which you probably wouldn't even know if I was talking about you because you're that fucking stupid.

Playing games of Yahtzee (because dumb bitches aren't even at the level of chess, let alone, checkers) with these types of women isn't hard nor is it rocket science. All it takes is a little emotion and showing you care to make the panties drop so you can lay down that pipe and make her scream a few Hail Mary's for her to love the dick for eternity. That's why these broads stay miserable for the rest of their lives and die single with 50 fucking cats while gaining weight and watching re-runs of Friends while crying themselves to bed every night while listening to Adele on repeat. You see where I'm going with this, pussy pocket?

Don't play Dr. Phil with her. It's not worth your time, stress or whatever the fuck gets your panties in a bunch being in her drama. This dude is gonna ride the shit out of this wave until she decides to end it. Which she will probably do about 10 times and fail all 10 because "I really care about him and I know he means what he says." Mark my fucking words.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to check my Tinder so I can pounce on some vulnerable bitches tonight.

XOXO 8=====D,

Ghetto Genius

Advice Column: The Doomed Relationship

Hi J-Wunder,

Let me know what you think about this.

Background: I been with my man for about two years now and I been with the kid since he was broke, skinny and had no car or license. Fast forward to now, he's doing way better but the relationship sucks and it's pretty much sucked since day one for me. I don't get what I put into the relationship.. cook, clean, buy this guy shit etc.. He hasn't had sex with me for months. Last time this happened about a year ago I brought it up and we were drinking so I guess he got the courage to let me know what was up, he said "you gained weight and I'm not attracted to you anymore". Well then.. realistically I didn't even realize I gained weight. I was about 155 lbs and 5'4", right now I'm about the same, weight nothing has changed and no sex. Now, what kind of dumb shit is this, really? Should I stay with someone so superficial? Should I believe the kid that he ain't fucked me because (his reasoning now) because he smokes too many trees and can't fuck? Is this a guy thing? Not to be attracted to your girl anymore because he gained some weight? I'm choked and don't know how to feel. I've been ride or die to my man, love him unconditionally and found him cute regardless of how bummy and skinny he was/will be.

Thanks in advance,
I just wanna cry



Dear I Just Wanna Cry,

I don't know why men and women stay with one another when they know they get treated like shit. Fuck all the excuses and definitely FUCK your logic as to why you're with that person. I mean, you've been with this cat for two goddamn years and you flat out said that it pretty much sucked for you since day one? What kind of Mickey Mouse shit is that? And you want me to feel sorry for you?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

There's two problems here and I'm gonna breakdown both of them. You can choose to either listen to them and take it for what it's worth OR keep doing what you're doing and still live a miserable fucking life with you, your pencil dick boyfriend and your newest vibrator you're one QVC episode away from buying for Christmas.

Problem #1: Your boyfriend

Let's be honest. He's a dick. But an honest one. Now, there's a good chance he could be lying when he said that he's not fucking you because you gained weight. FUN FACT: Men will fuck a woman if they get the opportunity to. Don't matter if you're ugly, blind, retarded, gained 20 pounds...whatever. If they can get hard and there's a wet vagina nearby, we gonna be fucking. Real talk.

For your boyfriend to tell you that and still be with you in a relationship tells me a few things:

1) He's content and lazy as fuck.
2) He probably can't get hard.
3) He grew a vagina and is afraid to tell you.
4) He knows he's ugly, has no game which makes him insecure, hence, why he stays with you. You're about as good as it will get for him.
5) You take care of him no matter how much of a dick he is to you. We call these type of women one thing - WEAK.
6) All of the above.

I will tell you right now this isn't a guy thing. See, guys who do this type of shit aren't men...they are boys who don't know sugar from shit. Your man doesn't know his head from his ass and doesn't know how to show appreciation if that shit fell right in his lap. You can't even get a measly pity fuck. That ain't right, yo!


Problem #2: YOU

That's right. You're the second goddamn problem to this equation. What woman gets in a relationship that she knows she screwed in and does it for 2 years? You know what kind of woman? Dumb fucking broads, that's who. 2 fucking years you're with this clown and you do everything for him and you can't even get a piece of ass? You serious right now? What woman stays with a dude like that? My guess are women who don't have confidence, are co-dependent, weak, delusional, naive and stupid as fuck. Don't take this the wrong way and get mad at me for calling it out but come on, sugar tits...read what the fuck you wrote me and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be with this guy?"

Fuck all this shit about how much you love him and that you've been with him for 2 years. Length of relationships these days don't mean jack shit. There are people who get married within 4 months of meeting one another and are better off than the couples who have been together for 5 years. Why is that? Because some fucking people stay together just to be together. Because they are comfortable. They feel obligated. They find excuses. They don't want to be alone. The are so-called "happy" a majority of the time when we all fucking know that is the biggest crock of shit you could EVER bring to the table.

Lady, shame on you for staying with this fuckmouth and double shame on you for writing in and asking for advice when you should damn well know what the fuck to do when you know you are getting fucked more ways than just a dick in your ass. What are you? 10 years old?

WAKE THE FUCK UP and ditch this dude. Why should anyone feel sorry for you when you've put yourself in this situation and are finding excuses to stick around. If your man has been with you for 2 years and he hasn't fucked you for months, let alone, tells you to your face the reason why he isn't banging you is because you gained some weight, then you gots to fucking go. No woman should be told that...especially if she wants to fuck AND she's your goddamn girlfriend. Free pussy doesn't come around too often for men. Especially if you don't have to do much to get it. Am I right, fellas?

This ain't about you being a ride or die, unconditional, lovey-dovey bullshit of a girlfriend to him. This is about you being in a relationship you didn't want to be in and holding on while this dude that calls himself a man, treats you like shit and is there for some spaghetti, meatloaf, Tuesday night tacos and free cable.

STOP THIS SHIT BECAUSE YOU LOOK STUPID, STUPID.

I'm Out.

Happy Holidays,

Ghetto Genius

Advice Column: What Happens In Vegas...

Dear J-Wunder,

I'm a big fan and can't thank you enough for the daily laughs. The world loves you and we need more mo' fo's like you in this galaxy. Ok, enough of the praises...I need some damn help bad. 

So I've been dating my girl for a year. Great gal. Awesome relationship. We get along really well. Sex is great. There's only one big problem - I'm the best man in my best friends wedding and in the next two weeks, is his bachelor party in Vegas. My girl doesn't want me to go and it's making her trip out big time. I've done NOTHING to show her I can't be trusted but I think she just has this whole idea in her head that "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." 

I need your help because as much as I love her, this is my boy and it's his bachelor party for crying out loud. We're going to have fun. We're going to go to strip clubs. That's what it's all about right? It pisses me off that she's trippin' and I really don't know what to tell her any more. She basically has given me the ultimatum that if I go, our relationship is over which I think is stupid as hell. 

Help because as much as I care about her, I need to support my boy for his last night of fun. 

Thanks,
Just a bro supporting his boy



Dear Just A Bro Supporting His Boy,

Oh man...here we go with another bullshit email about someone in a relationship tripping over nothing.

What's the goddamn deal with some people? Can't a guy or gal just go and have fun in Vegas without the other person having to worry?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

I find it highly entertaining that some relationships are all good until something so small, like a bachelor party (ok, maybe not so small), sets the other person off. Mind you, you've done NOTHING wrong in your 1 year relationship to even make your girl trip. Ain't that a bitch?!

I'm going to be honest like I always am and will tell you what I think about your girl and her opinion on you not going:

FUCK HER.

TWAT.

Who the fuck is this broad to tell you, the best man in your good bro's wedding, that you can't go to his bachelor party? Because it's in Vegas? You know how you said, "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas"...NO FUCKING SHIT. This applies to anyone who goes. Kids, parents, grandparents, nuns, students who say they are going there for college because "they got a good business program". You could be the most boring person in the fucking world and should still know, what happens there, stays there. Period. And you don't even need to do shit.

Why the fuck does your girl think that's the goddamn slogan for that goddamn city? For fuck fucking sake, bromigo...your broad needs some Calgon to take her ass away from whatever the fuck she's already thinking. I mean, shit. See, this is what happens when people date insecure motherfuckers. Sure y'all are all good, but once you get to have a good time outside of the relationship, all of the sudden, bitches be all worried about nothing.

So what if you guys go to the strip club? So what if y'all get so drunk you end up passing out on some bench on the strip, covered in your own puke and piss at 5 in the morning? That's what happens at bachelor parties. That's what happens in Vegas. You do shit that will make a goat throw up and a whole congregation pray for your sins. That's the fucking point. Sure you may want to fuck a few broads who are down to ride the Pound Town Express...hell, you may even not want to work that hard and just pay a hooker to bang you...and sometimes, that's ok. But has it even happened? Are you looking to even do that? You probably aren't, but guess who thinks you are?  You guessed it...your girl who is about to guilt trip the shit out of you until that fateful day comes and your ass is on a plane to the land where STD's are born.

All I'm saying is if she trust you and you've given her no reason to not trust you, then go to Vegas and tell her you're going. Say that shit with the manliest voice you got, too. Like Kevin Hart said, "Say it wit yo chest!!!" If she doesn't like it, she can kick fucking rocks because not only is she stupid for wigging out, but she's stupid as fuck for being an insecure hatchet wound (that's "vagina" for y'all who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about).

You know, back in the day, when I would go to Vegas with my boys, which felt like every other month, my homeboys women would usually trip out. Not because they were going to Vegas, but because I was going with them. I was tagged as "J-Wunder...the baaaaaaaadddddd influence." No bullshit. Every girlfriend literally blamed me any time their men hung out with me and ended up too drunk or got in trouble. Like I put a spell on these motherfuckers or something. No joke.

This is probably what your girl is thinking - "All these dudes going to Vegas for a weekend of sin and as much as I love my man, I can't trust his friends." Well, let me tell your girl and the whole fucking world who love to blame other people for shit, something...if you're a grown ass adult that is capable of making your own goddamn adult decisions, then don't blame someone else for that person's mistakes. No one is going to make you take a shot or have that drink. No one is going to put a strippers pussy in your face and force you to smack it up, flip it or rub it down....ooohhhh NO. We might try and influence you to do some shit like get you so wasted that you end up putting that roofie you saved from Tijuana in your own drink, but hey, like I said, you're a fucking adult capable of making adult decisions.

On the other hand, maybe your girl had a past relationship where her ex-man fucked up when HE went to Vegas. If that's the case and you let her win this battle and you decide not to go, I suggest you hand over your balls to her right this fucking minute and know that you will never get them back. Congrats for being a little punk ass bitch. Again, that's assuming, this happened and you want to donate your balls to the "I Made My Man, My Bitch" Foundation.

These types of broads need to chill the fuck out and calm the fuck down. Like WAY the fuck down. It would be one thing if your ass pulled Shady McShadster during your relationship but from the sounds of it, you're like this beautiful ass angel and shit. Vegas is not a place for everyone. But it is a place for bachelor parties and a ton of fuckery. Now, if your girl can't live with the fact that you are going there to have fun with your boys and let loose, then fuck her.

This is not about you having fun. This is about her just being a complete insecure little twat. Real talk.

What I will say is that if you do fuck up, tell her. You'll probably get an ear full and will never be trusted again but know this...it takes more of a man to admit he's done wrong than a man to lie and get caught slippin'.

If you go to Vegas, tell your girl she can exit stage left if she doesn't like it. But if y'all do decide to stay together while you head out there, just remember..."What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

I'm not telling you what or what not to do. I'm just telling you what the motto is to the place you're going.

Good luck,

J-Wun

Advice Column: How Not To "Keep It In The Family"

Dear Ghetto Genius,

Ok, so this is really embarrassing but I have to tell someone and thought it would be you since you really don't have any fucks to give and always give it straight to whomever writes you.

I've been in a relationship with this awesome guy for 6 months now and things could not be any better. Until last week...

I caught my boyfriend masturbating in his mom's room while smelling her underwear. With his dick in hand and panties around his face like he was Bane in one of the Batman movies, I couldn't help but start yelling at him and running out of his house.

We haven't spoken yet and I've been ignoring his calls and text.

What the hell should I think or do?

If anyone would know, it's you. Help!

Thanks for all the laughs and honesty,
Am I dating a weirdo?



Dear Am I Dating A Weirdo,

Back up the motherfucking truck. Did I just read what I thought I read?

This bitch said, "I caught my boyfriend masturbating in his mom's room while smelling her underwear. With his dick in hand and panties around his face like he was Bane in one of the Batman movies, I couldn't help but start yelling at him and running out of his house."

I.AM.DEAD. 

GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE WITH THAT SHIT.

For reals? Like, for reals, for reals?!

Sweetheart, this is by far the most fucked up and hilarious email I have ever gotten in the almost 4 years I've written advice columns and blogged about stuff. Holy shit, you can't be fucking serious? Is Punk'd back because I feel like Ashton Kutcher is going to hop out from under my goddamn desk and punk me. Where you at, Ashton?!

Ok, jokes aside, you obviously need help. Being the man that I am, I will provide you that help...only because this shit is fucked up and well...fucked up.

Your boyfriend got some problems, yo. Straight up. I don't think in my 35 years of living I have ever heard, experienced or read about something like this. EVER. Well, until now.

See, it's one thing if you caught this motherfucker smelling YOUR panties while beating his meat in HIS bedroom but instead, you found this cat jerking off in his mom's room while he was hot boxing himself in her drawers. I mean, ain't that some goddamn shit? This fool went above and beyond the rules of jerking off alone.

It's not like you caught him yanking his chain on his parents bed. Hell nah. This fool took it to another level of "WHAT THE FUCK" and decided, "I need to jerk off and you know what, I need something to get me going. Fuck PornHub.com or YouPorn.com, I'm gonna go to mom's room, pull out some of her dirty ass panties from her and dad's laundry basket, put that shit over my face like I'm Michael Myers and smell the crotch while I'm jerkin' my gherkin' with some of that new lotion she got from Bed, Bath & Beyond."

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

Are you fucking kidding me?!

This motherfucker had no shame, whipped out his dick, put mom's panties over his face like a gas mask at Police Academy Training and went to town on his wang. Like it was no big fucking deal.

I don't care who you are, if you are the horniest person on the planet and need to masturbate, I am ALMOST FUCKING CERTAIN, you can go online, find a magazine, better yet, use your imagination to help yourself get off. Trust me, I'm like the king of jerking off and I've done everything from looking at a Macy's Winter catalog to watching every clip of Backroom Casting Couch X to make sure my hog is fed. This fool did none of that. He went to the fucking extreme and decided that smelling his mom's dirty ass panties was going to be the way to his orgasmic pleasure.

Now, we could fight the argument by saying even though he was smelling his mom's thong he didn't look at it like that. Rather, he was imagining it was probably you or some chick he wanted to bang. However, only stupid motherfuckers who are delusional would think like that. You aren't going to eat a pile of shit and say you imagined that shit was a Hostess cupcake now, would you? It's still shit, man. I don't care if you think it tasted like chocolate. You ate something that came out of someone's fucking butthole. So if he were to argue he was smelling mom's drawers thinking it was you or some other broad, you need to falcon punch that fool in the back of his fucking head. Real talk.

I guess what I'm telling you is that you need to just stay away. I mean, could it have been worse? Sure. You could have walked in on him fucking another chick. Better yet, you could have walked in on him fucking his own mother. Wouldn't that be some shit?

People might say, "Oh, it's no big deal. He's probably going through a phase. It's probably just a fetish." Dude, this motherfucker was jerking off smelling his mom's panties like he was smelling fresh laundry in a Downey commercial. Fuck. All. That.

Anyone who tries to back this is either 1) Fucked up in the head or 2) Hasn't taken their meds. I like to get kinky, but I ain't trying to keep that shit in the family.

Go find yourself a dude who likes to smell your panties. Just make sure you don't have shit stains on them. That would just be fucked up. Then again, if you like anal and he likes anal, it's probably not a bad thing.

Go in peace,

J-Wunder

Advice Column: What NOT To Do After You Break-Up

J, 

I just got out of a bad relationship in February and wanted to know if you had any advice on what NOT to do after couples break-up. I can't stand my ex and don't want to fall back into habit and be with someone that I know isn't right for me. We were together for a long time and it's been a love/hate thing for years. I need to do what's right and know you have answers. 

Appreciate your insight man. 

Thanks,
Don't Want To Fall Back In



Dear Don't Want To Fall Back In,

Relationships can sometimes be a bitch, right? Some are so great that there isn't a worry in sight. On the other hand, there are relationships so fucked up that it's a goddamn recipe for fucking disaster. I'm talking some about fool's killing other fool's because they just couldn't take how they made the bed everyday, type of shit.

It's my job to make sure YOU and the rest of the people reading this (who are in the same position) don't fuck up their lives and happiness because y'all were to stupid to wake the fuck up.

Grab some paper and a pen and take some notes. I'm about to get all Dr. Phil up in this bitch.


Rule #1: Don't ever...ever, ever, ever, ever, EVER...get back together with your ex once it's all said and done. 

This is specifically geared towards you folks who do that whole, "break-up and get back together" every fucking week thing.

First off...you people need to wake the fuck up and smell the goddamn dog shit on the motherfucking lawn. Why on earth do people do this? Have you not been hugged enough as a child? Stay together one minute then break-up the next? If you're together, STAY THE FUCK TOGETHER. Your relationship isn't a goddamn tennis match and this isn't fucking Wimbledon. Healthy relationships last because fools put in the work that requires couples to be happy. Fuck all this "I love you so much baby" then 6 hours later, "What bitch?! Well fuck you too then. Stupid ass whore. By the way, I fucked yo' sister and came inside her. How bout them apples? It's over!!!" Then 2 days later, "Baby, I was just kidding. You know that I know that you know that I know I love you my twerkalicious lotus badunkadunk. You're my forever boo...let's celebrate and head on over to Sizzler."

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!

If you can't hold a stable relationship, then you need to take a good look in the fucking mirror, turn off the lights and ask Bloody Mary to help you the fuck out. You not only look like a jackass but someone who doesn't know sugar from shit. Next.


Rule #2: Don't play into their games.

Look, payback is a bitch. I know this all too well. You know what is also a bitch? Karma, motherfucker. And if I were a betting man, I would say about 35-40% of relationships end up bad. Whether it's because one of you cheated or some Mickey Mouse bullshit only crazy people can relate to, relationships that don't end well always have a long running theme of revenge, fighting to the Nth degree and other shit you only see on Lifetime Movies.

Now, that all said, one thing we all have in mind is paying a motherfucker back for how they probably did us wrong. This is the part where I say...

DON'T DO THAT.

Why? Simple. Because your ass does not only play into their childish foolery BUT you put yourself in a situation where you will fuck yourself harder than you probably think. A lot of us know how to be shady. However, a lot of us don't know how to be smart. Take the high fucking road, don't act a fool and be the smart motherfucker out of the two. Karma ALWAYS comes back to bite you in the ass. It may not be how you expect it, that's the beauty of Karma. It's one of those fucking things that makes you want to become a born again Christian and never fuck up or fuck over anybody ever again. Real talk. It's some eye opening shit y'all. That's why you need to be the smartest of the two and let those toxic fucking people do whatever the fuck they want because in the end...they'll get theirs. It may be in the form of diarrhea for 72 straight hours or them getting attacked by a homeless person with AIDS and a big ass schlong...regardless, when you take the high road and do your thing, Karma will be on your side. Well...hopefully.


Rule #3: Don't be the crazy one. 

I have had my fair share of crazy bitches. Ones who watched me sleep and probably plotted ways to kill me in hopes to wear my skin for Halloween. Ones who tried to run me over with their car at 2 'o clock in the goddamn morning. And ones who told me they loved me after a one-night stand...mind you, I knew them for a total of 3 hours. 1 hour of taking shots at the bar. 2 hours of laying my pipe down in them.

The fact is, in almost every relationship where people finally find that comfort stage, things tend to change. Basically, they show a side that might be a little fucking crazy. Where the fuck was this for the last year, motherfucker? I didn't know you watch me outside of my office window during your lunch? Why are you choking me with a phone cord while you bang me doggy all of the sudden?

See, in relationships, changes like those take time. However, when a relationship ends...especially on bad terms, take what I just described above and multiply that shit by 1 fucking Googolplex. Fools be doing bat-shit crazy stuff. Straight up.

I'm talking some boiling rabbits and leaving them on door steps. Slashing tires. Bashing windows. Sending you black roses with chocolate covered cockroaches. Watching you sleep through your bedroom window while they masturbate with an icepick. Wait, what?

This is serious people. I don't know what your crazy meter is like and I hope I never get to find out. Just know that when relationships take a turn for the worse, fools be flipping that Norman Bates switch and people end up missing on the 10 'o clock fucking news. It's about to be all CSI: What the fuck just happened, son?!

We all have a side of crazy. Just don't show your cards first. Matter of fact, control the crazy and run the fuck away. Crazy.


Rule #4: Don't drunk text or drunk dial them.

For you drinkers out there, this is a very important rule. When we drink, 82.389% of us have tendencies of doing the infamous drunk dial or drunk text...specifically to booty calls and/or ex's.

When that happens, shit gets all fucked up and we tend to say things we wouldn't say sober...so we think.

"Baby...I'm so horny and just want to be inside of you. I want you back. Hit me up because I want to make you breakfast tomorrow after our fuck session."

"I'm sorry for everything honey. I love you and want to get back together. Can you pick me up at the Irish Bank then we can swing by Taco Bell before heading to your place? Never gonna treat you bad again. :)"

"I was such a bitch boo. I didn't mean to tell you those things and I didn't hook up with your best friend. He actually sent me a pic of his dick and I deleted it. I'm so stupid for not telling you when it happened and you caught me masturbating to it. YOU are my world baby. No one else. I love you. I can't believe we broke up for like the 2,980th time over bullshit...AGAIN."

"jl;adjlksfjlas...fucklka;jdf babe. wasted. a;lidpick mee up pleaseeee. need 2 talk 2 u b aby. i love you and us. lets get mrrid and live together. i want to make bbies with uuuuuuuu. serius dis time. xoxo"

This is the exact shit I'm talking about. When we're all fucked up and can't find a rebound (even if they look like the Elephant Man or Jabba the Hut) for the night, we will venture to our handy 'ol phone and start typing or calling without thinking. Emotionally, we're thinking with our sex package and could really give a shit about what happened two days ago and how bad things went.

FOR THE LOVE OF JESUS THE GARDENER, DO NOT DO THIS WHEN WASTED. YOU WILL REGRET THIS SHIT FOREVER OR WHEN YOU'RE LYING IN BED WITH THEM AND YOU HAVE "NO FUCKING IDEA" HOW THAT HAPPENED.

There's nothing more to say unless you're really fucking stupid and need this shit said to you in sign language.

Here's the quick solution: DELETE THEIR NUMBER IMMEDIATELY AFTER BREAK-UP.


Rule #5: Don't stalk them online.

Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, MySpace, LinkedIn...whatever. The one place where it's the easiest and quickest way to stalk someone, especially your ex, is via social fucking networking.

Say all you want, a majority of us motherfuckers do it. The relationship may have ended but we still want to keep tabs on what the fuck our ex is doing.

So the question is, "Do I or don't I unfriend them?" The easy answer is to unfriend the fuck out of them. However, the curiosity and insecurity inside of you, wants to see what they do, where they go, who they might be dating blah, blah, fucking blah. You can go ahead and deny it all you want, the reality is, it happens. And if you do unfriend them, you sneakily will go out of your way and go on your friends FB or other social networking sites to see what the fuck they're up to. This is where you tell everyone who is connected with your ex to cut all ties. Now, some friends won't because your business isn't their business so that's an argument you could have or just let it be. Keep it mind, if you just let it be, don't think for a goddamn second that you won't be checking in on what they are doing via your friends account. I'm no genius but I'm not a fucking idiot.

Don't be that motherfucker who does this because not only is it creepy as fuck but...it's creepy as fuck.

You broke up for a reason, just let that shit go and move the fuck on.


So there you have it...five rules on what NOT to do after you break-up.

It's not rocket science. It's just a simple reminder that if you don't want anything to do with a motherfucker, you got to avoid the shit that you know a majority of society does.

Take what you will from this. I just hope I don't see your ass on the 10 'o clock news.

Go in peace and make a brother proud!

J-Wunder

At Least She Got the "J" In The Name Right

Advice Column: Kick Her To The C-U-R-B

Dear J and Crew :

It feels like everyone is congratulating you for your success on this blog but I still gotta express how much I appreciate your work and heart.

My problem here involves me and my 7 year relationship with my girlfriend. We started dating since very young (about 14 years old) and our relationship has been steady. We argue, but always overcome our shit. She's the type who thinks because we love each other (and we do) some of the stuff I don't like about her should fly. For instance, I don't like how she doesn't manage her time well and therefore results in us not able to meet for a significant amount of time (weeks) prior to her deadlines. I, too, sometimes procrastinate but would never sacrifice our time. Instead, I sacrifice my sleep, time with friends, leisure activities, etc. However, I seem to be on the bottom of her list every time. I've spoken to her about this issue many many times, and each time she makes me feel she gets it and very much regrets it then I'm convinced that a change is on its way.

I've recently realized that during our communication about our dislikes about each other she will say yes yes ok ok and mislead me into thinking she gets it to end the conversation when in reality, it's not a big deal to her so in the future, she will make the similar mistakes again then the cycle restarts itself.

She is out of country for two months and Two days before she left we had a big argument about everything, literally everything was brought up. We agreed to take a break and not talk to each other during her time away. The main objective is to give her time and space to rethink some stuff about her and about us.

I love her to death, and would hate to lose her but also doubt if I can keep being with her without those changes that I ask by her. I guess my question is: should I keep waiting and asking her to change OR just accept her for how she is (but how do I know if I'm able to do so) OR don't bother and just break up (which I don't want).

I love her so much I am really afraid one of us will feel differently by the time she's back or things just don't work out...

Who's to change?



Dear Who's To Change,

You're probably not going to like what I'm about to say. Then again, you came to me looking for answers so hopefully I can wake you the fuck up so you can see the light at the end of this dark ass tunnel.

I'm going to be blunt, honest and frank, brochacho.

KICK THIS BITCH TO THE CURB.

Punt this bitch as far away from you as humanly fucking possible. Real talk.

Look, I get that you have been dating your gal since you were 14. I also get that she was the first girl to make you cum in 2 dick pumps. There's a special thing between you guys. That was then. This is now, motherfucker.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out where your head is at, is nowhere near hers. Fuck all that. You're on planet earth. This broad is on a goddamn rainbow chillin' with some cats on shrooms.

See, you're no longer her priority. How so? Well, any person who has been in a relationship for as long as you have knows that no matter what, you gotta be top dog at least the majority of the time. Brother, it's not about her managing her time. She manages her time really fucking well. The shitty part, you're not a priority in her "time management". You don't even make the list. You're like at the bottom of the post-it where the writing gets all cut-off and shit. Straight up.

While you look at these things you want her to change, you know what she's doing? Not listening to a goddamn thing you're saying. 7 years and she's to the point where she probably wants new shit in her life. All you are is a convenience until she finds something new. And if I were a betting man, she's probably going to find something new while she's away for two months. Don't act surprised because that's probably the first thing that freaked you the fuck out.

However, it's a good thing that you two aren't talking while she's away because honestly playboy, you are wasting your fucking time on someone who is looking for much greener grass. Not saying you're a bad dude, she's just over it like a motherfucking hurdler at the Summer Olympics. Ya feel me?

In life, people change. Whether good or bad, motherfuckers change. As individuals, in relationships...whatever. They change and if you aren't on board with that change or don't feel the need to get the fuck out the way, then that's on you. Don't cry about shit because you love her and you've been with her for 7 years. All this effort and sacrifice you're putting in doesn't mean shit to her. It probably did back then, but not now. Because if it did, she'd reciprocate, listen, and be proactive in an attempt to keep your relationship solid. And trust me, the only solid thing going on is probably the dick she's taking in on this trip of hers. Don't want to set you off, but let's be real with one another...this goddamn relationship has come to an end and you need to wake the fuck up and move on with your life.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!!

As much as I want to tell you to not give up and see what happens when she gets back, I'm telling you to give the fuck up, move on and let her know "too little, too fucking late". You're probably thinking, "But J, 7 years man. I don't want to see it end like this. She means so much to me...we love each other...I miss her touch...we listen to Sade every Tuesday over wine, cheese and a few freshly baked baguettes...blah, blah, blah..." Look bro, as much as that is all gravy, fuck that shit. This broad is so over you, she can't even put enough time for you on her schedule. That's how bad it is...this bitch has to pencil your ass in because she's too busy (not lazy) with other goddamn things. You know what people in relationships have to schedule time with their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife? Motherfuckers WHO DON'T WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OR MARRIED TO THAT MOTHERFUCKING PERSON.

You're a chore. A chore that sits at the bottom of the pile and collects more dust. And as much as you want to dust all that shit off, you ignore it til it bugs the living shit out of you and have to deal with it. You're that dust, bro. Don't be that fucking dust. Be that motherfucking Swifter that says, "I got this," so fuck you, fuck you, you're cool...FUCK YOU, I'M OUT....before it's too goddamn late.

Don't be that dude for the next two months who shuts his life off from friends, family, activities, etc. because you're sad you're in this situation with your gal. The only people who do that are pussies that can't man the fuck up and realize it's her loss, not yours. Confidence brother. Have some. Tell yourself that this broad has done you wrong and you aren't going to deal with her monkey mouth bitch ass tricks anymore. Do you deserve that? Fuck no you don't. So stop acting like you do and enabling this chick while giving her free fucking passes. You're on the verge of making yourself miserable because you choose to. She's a grown ass woman and if you need to tell a bitch more than once on the changes you want to see happen and she's not doing it, that's your sign to move the fuck on and tell her to kick rocks. Sometimes that will wake a motherfucker up. She'll probably call your bluff, say some shit to get you back then make you her bitch again. If that's the case, good luck in life and please exit stage left while turning in your man card. Pussy.

NO ONE in a relationship should feel like an obligation let alone a goddamn appointment.

That's what you are. Pretty fucked up, right?

Take all this however you choose, just remember, don't say I didn't warn your ass.

Don't fuck this up for yourself,

J-Wun

Breaking Up Is Not A "Personal" Thing

Sweet, Sweet Revenge!!!!

Expectations vs. Reality When Texting Your Ex

This Is Awkward

Advice Column: End Game

Jockeyshorts Wunderful,

I am an avid reader of your blog.  Your blogs are the cocaine to my sex and swearing additiction.  But enough about that shit.  So here's the deal.   I have been debating on asking you and the Ghetto Crew about my problem for a while.  Because hey, I have seen you rip apart people.  But frankly...fuck it!  Truth hurts sometimes.  Maybe that's what I need.  So give it to me...

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about 9 months now.  He lives 2 hours away from me.  In the beginning, he played like hell to "get me".  I had my reservations about dating and the whole relationship bizz because well...I like dick.  Probably a little too much.  Before my man, I was quite happy with having my cock meat sandwhichs delivered in 30 minutes or less by whomever I chose.  That doesn't make me a whore either.  My pussy is not like google.  It just means I like my man meat with a side of gravy...lover.  Moving on...Once I gave in and started dating him he did everything to make time for me.  But now...well you can see where this is going can't you?  It seems that there is always some fucking excuse!  And everytime I tell him I am thinking about leaving him or want to end it, he begs for me to stay.  I love him, but its been 4 months since this bitch has gotten his dick!  And my pussycat is mad.  What do I do?

With Anticipation...
~M!ss K!ss



Dear M!ss K!ss,

If you ever do a dumb ass sign-off with exclamation points to replace an "i" ever again, I will piss down your esophagus and skull fuck you. I don't know if that was your cute way of being creative, but it's stupid and takes way too long to do that. STOP THAT SHIT. This goes for you bastards who think that shit is the cool thing to do too. But I digress...

I'm going to be as blunt as possible when I tell you this...

You my dear, have been bamboozled. Dude put in the work to get your cookie, and all you are now is a convenience when he wants you to be. Congrats on being one of the idiotic women in society who fall for shit like this. You are making women like yourself look better and better every fucking day. Be proud that you are now in the "stupid bitch" category when it comes to men, relationships and sex. BTW - don't give me your, "I'm a strong woman, I don't need him, I can get dick whenever with whomever I want" sermon. Because if that were the case, your dumb ass wouldn't still be around after 4 months of not getting his wang. Which reminds me, your statement about loving cock meat sandwiches and being all "bout it, bout it" has confirmed to myself and the people reading this that it is invalid and you are one of those people who talk a much better game than you actually play. Real fucking talk.

See, what you and women like you need to realize is that men and women look at relationship and sex as a game. Even if your intention isn't to play "the game," you subconsciously act as if you are playing one. You started to play the game then with the flip of a switch, you fucked yourself. Your boy toy of a man who you haven't gotten dick from in the past 4 months gave you a big ass CHECK MATE. Shame on you for being so fucking stupid and eating up whatever he was serving you.

So what he lives 2 hours away and made the time? Any man who finds a challenge with a woman and her mud flaps is going to do whatever they can until they get that golden fucking ticket and hit a home run. He played "the game." He felt in his head and in his pants that whatever it was about you, you were worth the challenge. Women do this shit too. The shitty thing is that you are now the victim to this popular crime.

"But J, then why has he been dating me for 9 months if it was just a game?" Great fucking question.

ANSWER: You are a convenience to him.

Basically, you are someone that can be there to give him attention. Like a dog.

Think about it...you've been dating a guy who lives two hours away for 9 months but you haven't fucked him in four of those months? Bitch, are you stupid?! Read that a thousand times and tell me what's wrong with this picture.

Sweet Tits, you have no value to this guy other than some obligated conversation and probably texting on the daily. You have wasted four months of your adult life sitting around wondering what is up with your man and him fucking you when you should have figured that out within a few weeks. No one changes suddenly just to change. Mother fuckers aren't built that way. If they were, the world would be a whole different place and the earth would be 2 seconds away from blowing the fuck up.

While you sit there and ponder your relationship, if you should use the 6" or footlong dildo to masturbate with or what good movies are on On Demand this weekend, realize that he's doing his own thing and probably loving every minute of it. He played the game to a tee and is more than likely having no remorse about it. And if I was a betting man, he's probably bored with you and your relationship as a whole. Why? Simple. You are two fucking hours away. He was finally able to fuck you after you made him work for it, so really, where's the challenge if he beat the master level (a.k.a. your non-googling vagina). Lastly, you probably are annoying as fuck. Any person who makes constant excuses should tell you first hand, there is something wrong with YOU. Not them. YOU.

The solution:  LEAVE. BE FREE. GO FIND A DICK GARDEN FULL OF DICKS TO PLAY WITH.

Your man is making excuses. No man should ever make excuses to not be with his woman. This is a problem that Sloth from the movie "Goonies" could have figured out. Stop being the dumb bitch and get your shit together. No good woman needs a man who doesn't put in the effort like he used to. Then again, a good woman wouldn't have that problem. Maybe he's not such an asshole, now that I'm thinking about it.

In any event, move the fuck on with your life and stop acting like a little bitch. It's not rocket science. It's life. Deal with it, move forward or be prepared to get trampled on...not because there are bad men in this world...it's because you're just too fucking stupid to figure it out.

I'm Out,

J-Wunder

Advice Column: He's Not a Man, He's A Bitch

Dear J-Wunder,

How come I'm out working hard to make sure all of our bills are paid and all the time he's talking shit saying I have a man on the side?



Dear Bank Of Hoemerica,

Apologies in advance for calling you a hoe. Didn't know what to add after "Bank Of" so "Hoe" kinda sounded pretty fucking good. You're no hoe...unless you are, are you? If you are, hit me up on email. But I digress...

Sweet Tits, here's your problem:

YOUR MAN ISN'T A MAN. HE'S AN INSECURE LITTLE BITCH TRYING TO RAIN ON A HARD WORKING WOMAN'S PARADE.

I know it and all these goddamn people reading this column know it. That said, I could actually end this post and let you figure out the rest. However, I'm the Ghetto Genius and it wouldn't be right if I didn't expand on your issue and how to deal with this man who exemplifies the term BITCHASSNESS to the very fucking fullest. You're welcome.

See, in life, a majority of men in general feel that they are expected to bring home the bacon. Make the dolla dolla bill yo and provide for themselves and more importantly, their woman (or women) and any children (this includes illegitimate children) they may have. Doing that gives them this sense of accomplishment. Something to the extent where they feel like mother fuckers owe them something because of all the hard work, dedication and cheddar they bring to the table, 24/7/365.

It's in our blood. It's been that kind of expectation for centuries. Women stay home, do what they're fucking told and daddy does all the shit to support the family. There's no mystery to that. How-the-fuck-ever, times have fucking changed. It's the new goddamn millennium and women are more empowered as they should be. Equality is spreading like wild fire and bitches are paying their dues, taking on corporate America, acting stronger, more independent and doing work and getting fucking paid. Girl power is at an all-time mother fucking high and broads are making SOME men look like little fucking bitches. Your man being one of those men.

When that happens, you know what happens? Men act insecure and like little twats. This isn't about you do anything wrong in your relationship. It's not about you fucking the neighbor, your best friend or the chinese dude who owns the liquor store across the street. This is about you taking care of your shit, making shit happen and telling him with your actions, "Hey bitch, I'm paying our bills, getting paid and being a responsible ass adult. Appreciate the good I'm doing for myself and us." Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. As you work the daily grind, it bugs your man that you're a woman taking care of the family...and it's not just him. Who knew women can bring in some money, work hard and at the end of the day, not want to cook a fucking steak for someone else because they actually contributed something more than some June Cleaver bullshit. Ya feel me?

Some men want to be the Top Dawg. Why? Because who wouldn't? For years on end, men have been the go-to guy in relationships, marriages and the mother fucking world yo! Don't hate ladies because at the end of the day, it's fact. How so? Because society said so and made it that expectation. Why do you think you have a plethora of women just playing the role of "stay-at-home-mom" and not trippin' off of doing big thangs in corporate fucking America? Because men feel it's their one and only duty to make shit happen while boo-thang takes care of shit on the home front...feeding babies, cooking, cleaning and sucking wang when Honey Dearest comes home from a long ass day at work.

Today...today...TODAY is different as fuck. Ain't no woman with determination and drive trying to stay home and be some Susie fucking Homemaker. Fuck all that. No way. No how. Suck a dick fool. Real talk.

Women today and probably over a decade ago are making shit happen. Becoming CEO's, Presidents, VP's...all the shit that a majority of society said would never happen. Guess what, bitches? Shit DID happen and I'm proud to say, "YOU GO GIRLS!" Get your shit. Make that paper. Be an independent fucking woman and don't let any man get on your shit because you are taking care of your responsibilities and picking up THEIR slack. It's the 21st fucking Century and it's all about equal opportunity and getting yours...because sometimes, we can't depend on others on trying to make shit happen.

Your man is jealous. Jealous of the fact that you are doing work and getting paid. Doesn't matter how much you're getting paid, you're getting something. Something that is taking care of the both of you even though it kills you that you are busting your ass. While he probably wants you to bust your ass in the kitchen, you are busting your ass in corporate fucking America. I'm not sure what your man does or if he even has a goddamn job. All I know is that any man who has to use a front to make you feel inferior, guilty and shitty because you are trying to do what's right, is an insecure little bitch in my book.

Does he not know that people who actually have jobs sometimes might have to work hard?
Work late? Actually fucking work? Man on the side? Bitch please. I mean, unless you smell like a cum dumpster and have sex hair every night you come home from work, this cat needs to chill the fuck out and back up the fucking truck and sip on a brew that he actually has to open with his own hands. Instead of drinking pitchers of Bitchelob Ultra and hating on your ass, he needs to stand the fuck down and appreciate everything you're doing. That said, you need to stand your goddamn ground and tell this bitch of a man what the fuck is up. If you let him ride your ass with accusations while you sit there all pouty and shit, guess what? He's gonna keep riding you like bitches ride me off in the sunset. Be a woman and tell him what's up.

I'm a realist and the reality of your situation and how society works today is this - Women are making a fucking mark on the map. They have been and will be for years to come. True story.

Nothing more for me to say other than put your man in check, or move the fuck on and find a man that's actually gonna appreciate you and your hard work. If you are in fact fucking another dude, then well, shame on you for making his observation a true one.

Make Money. Fuck bitches (this includes you women).

Much love,

J-Wunder

Advice Column: Needy, Desperate And Looking For Answers

Hi J-Wunder et al,

So on reading your blog a few times, it seems very clear that you're not the type to bullshit, and can certainly provide some insight on my dilemna.

Basically, I had my heart broken (as pre-teen as that sounds, I am actually in my mid 20s) by someone nearly a year ago now, and as much as I want to get over him, I can't seem to. He on the other hand, has swiftly moved on. To add to this, I haven't been in a relationship since/only a few dates with people who I wasn't really interested in. From what i can tell, I am either hideous and destined to be a cat lady or a memo has gone out to men to avoid me at all costs. This is of course barring the few men at work who feel it is ok to be as creepy as fuck around me.

I don't consider myself to be super attractive and as mentioned earlier, may in fact be a cat lady in the making. However, prior to said man/me ruining my love life, I was rarely single and often seemed to have someone interested in me, even if they were mostly irritating and not very pleasing to the eye. I can say for sure that no longer is that the case - so much so that I have started reconsidering exs, which we all know is a massive desperate error.

Please tell me what the hell I should do to make sure this complete dry patch ends as soon as possible.

Yours,
Dry as the Sahara



Dear Dry as the Sahara,

For fucks fucking sake, listen to you. My heart is broken...he's moved on...I think I'm hideous...blah, blah, blah. Woman, shut the fuck up and chill the fuck out. Quit being all whiny and shit. You sound like a girl who's single and dry as the Sahara. Wait, what?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

Now, what you need to do is listen and listen really fucking good. As much as I want to slap the whiny bitch out of you, I see where you're coming from. That's why you came to me and that's why I'm here to help you. Grab a paper and pen because 2013 is going to be the year you fuck like you are the President of the Pound Town Express.

When it comes to moving on with your life after a serious relationship, one needs to realize that there are steps in the process. I'm not here to talk about those steps because in all honestly, I don't give a shit about the process. All I care about is getting to where you need to be by facing facts and realities. Two things you obviously haven't dealt with. Shame on you, by the way.

You have a few issues which bug the shit out of me, so as I address them, make sure you follow what I'm saying.


Issue #1: The EX

Let's make one thing clear - your ex-boyfriend, doesn't give a shit about you. He hasn't since the day he said, "Peace the fuck out!" We all know this because he has moved on and is banging other broads who he probably has more of a liking to. Yes, I understand that was very assholey of me to say, but that's the fucking truth. Deal with it, Sweet Tits. Ain't no person worth sweating if they aren't sweating you. Truth. Doing that shows a sign of weakness on your part and power on his. Because let's be honest, if this cat were to ask you back into his life, you'd bite at the bit just to be held in his fucking arms again. Don't be that girl. Motherfuckers don't respect weak girls. Well, unless you're a complete douche who loves control. Move the fuck on and get on with your life like your ex-boyfriend has. It's been a year already, for fucks sake.


Issue #2: Dating people you aren't interested in

Really? Are you that fucking desperate that you would go on dates with people you have no interest in? For starters, that's a desperate as fuck move, and second, you are fucking with guys who could end up being your favorite stalkers. STOP THAT SHIT. Typically, normal people go out on dates with other people who they have SOME interest in. You however, sound like you just pick any mother fucker within a 5 mile radius "just to date". You waste more damn time finding people who aren't worth your time than just doing your own thing. Blind dates I get. But dating someone just to date them without any initial interest is just fucking ricockulous and crazy. Bitchassness, I tell you. Bitchassness.


Issue #3: Giving up

I saw your picture. You're a cute girl. However, your attitude is that of a fucking 4 year old. Not only do you sound desperate and needy, but whiny as shit. So what you've struck out a few times. Wanna know the reason? You more than likely come off as a broad who is 1) uninterested, 2) has low self-esteem, 3) a complete fucking bitch. Get mad all you want. That's the goddamn truth. Men smell a woman who is and looks defeated so why date or even touch that shit with a 10 foot pole? It's not about them not digging you, it's you changing your goddamn attitude so things go right side up instead of upside down. I've run into many women through my years of clam hunting and the ones I avoided were the ones like you. The ones who don't need to say a word about being lonely because the expression and personality give it the fuck away. If you're not into it, don't think for a second, the guy who has approached you, will be. If anything, he might just be approaching you so you don't end up slicing your fucking wrist right there at the bar.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and sack the fuck up. I get you're heart broken and men aren't interested in you. But who's fault is that? That's on YOU. Not the guy who you weren't interested in. Not the guy who you thought about talking to but were "too intimidated to approach". Hell, not even the co-worker who would bang you for a measly fucking dollar just to put a smile on your face. The fact that you have basically admitted that you're about to give up on dating and men alone is fucked up and stupid. You know what dick feels and tastes like so jump back on that goddamn stallion and ride that shit like you stole it.


Issue #4: Settling for anything...including those EX's

Get the fuck out of here!!!!

And I quote:

"However, prior to said man/me ruining my love life, I was rarely single and often seemed to have someone interested in me, even if they were mostly irritating and not very pleasing to the eye. I can say for sure that no longer is that the case - so much so that I have started reconsidering exs, which we all know is a massive desperate error."

If this isn't a cry for "I need fucking attention by anyone who is anyone," then roll me in flour and try to find my asshole in the dark.

You my dear, have some problems. Desperate for attention much? The problem you have is that you're caught up in the sadness and need someone just to hang out. No one wants that. You don't even want that. Go back to your ex's, really? Is life that bad that you can't even find a random cute drunk guy to makeout with or screw? You have to admit that you are considering ex's? Bitch, please. Listen to yourself for a goddamn minute. You sound like a woman who, in the next ten minutes, is going to the SPCA and is going to pick up a litter of cats, take them home, get in some raggity ass clothes and eat ice cream, potato chips and watch re-runs of Ricki fucking Lake everyday.

DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

If you need a man to validate you, your looks and everything in-between, have a nice life alone. Real talk. Be strong, bitch. Be a woman who wants to light up the fucking room to where dicks are being thrown at you by the second. Because right now, you are being a woman who is getting cans of Spam, sardines and broken glass chucked in your direction because you are just not the business...to anyone...even yourself.

Positive self-esteem. You had that once, right? You must have if you were getting dick back in the day. However, you lost that real quick once you lost your ex. Don't blame him, blame yourself.

Don't settle, don't be needy, don't fucking whine, don't do shit but be yourself...your positive self. Hey, I've seen some ugly motherfuckers get with people so don't think your luck has run out. There's someone out there for everybody. But like I said, just don't settle. Be a woman who men want to be with. Be a woman who you are happy with. All your whining and other bullshit gets you nowhere but masturbating to Enya and Disney movies. Stop that shit. Please.

This column probably didn't help you. But somewhere between all these lines, there's an answer and I hope your ass finds it.

I'm done. Now go do something that involves you, booze, men and you being bent over a bed screaming really profane and awful things.

Holla,

J-Wun

Text Your Ex Day!

Dinner Party Betrayal

Advice Column: Operation "Let's Be Friends"

Dear Genius,

I have been a fan of your blog for a while now and laugh my ass off everyday over this while working in an infant room. Most of the time they just look at me like I'm crazy but your shits funny.

So I have a problem and I'm tired of all my girls saying this kind of stuff is happening to them. My problem is a simple one I want more penis in my life. I have been with my man now for almost 6 years. When we first got together sex was amazing 2 to 3 times a day kind of stuff. Now I'm lucky to get it once a month if that. Then I usually have to beg him for it. Wtf...Ive tried lingerie, costumes, toys, whips, chains, positions, cleaning the house naked,.even tried getting a threesome with a girlfriend of mine. And she is sexy..kind of girl you would become a lesbian for. I just dont know what to do. He says he doesn't yank it but I know thats a damn lie. If I had one I would yank it all the damn time. He told me he could be a monk. Da fuq does that mean. I have spent more time with Mr. rabbit lately than with him. Any ideas whats going on. We do have a fabulous emotional relationship just no fuckin. Tired of taking care of my stuff solo.

Sincerely
Mrs. Need More Penis


Dear Need More Penis,

Let's just get this shit out of the way...

FACT: At the beginning of EVERY relationship, sex is ALWAYS amazing. People are fucking 4-27 times a day.

The problem...

PEOPLE CHANGE.

When that happens, things fly south.

It doesn't matter if you have the best emotional, no-drama, fun-filled, lovey fucking dovey relationship...without sex, your relationship WILL fail. I'm gonna be honest, your man of 6 lovely years is over it. He's either lazy, not attracted to you or gay. But that's another story.

No man straight up tells his gal, "I could be a monk," if something wasn't going on. We can always bring up the topic of cheating. That's a fucking gimme. Not getting any more dick? "Well he must be fucking somebody else," right? Let's not go there today. Let's venture off somewhere different, somewhere that might be the actual issue. I'm guessing this dude wants to be friends and is too lazy to tell you.

Men LOVE pussy. Ask any heterosexual man out there, they will tell you, "I love to ride the POUND TOWN EXPRESS." Choo choo, mother fucker.

For you to go out of your way to be sexy and show your man you want it all day, errrrday speaks volumes and I commend your ass for sticking to it like the woman you are and trying to keep that fire lit. However, your man...he's pissing on that flame because he doesn't like fires. Especially ones that start at your mouth and end between those thighs. I think I just gave myself a chubby.

I guess what I'm trying to tell you is that the man you love and have this emotional connection with needs to fucking end, Dickless Desert Storm. You're a broad who has needs. You love fucking and he's not the guy that's gonna be providing you that O-FACE you once received 2-3 times a day. Not a chance in hell, sister. Trust me. If you barely bang your man once a month now, consider investing  a shit ton of stock into "Dildo's for the Lonely Vagina" because you're gonna go through a couple of those high powered sons of bitches if you plan to stay with the man who used to be a MAN. I don't want to hear you or anyone else try to defend him because of "X, Y and Z." He's not fucking you so to me, that poses a problem. He's not into you physically. That disturbs the fuck out of me for the simple fact that relationships die quick when physical play no longer exist. That's like playing basketball with a goddamn football. Sure you can run plays and sprint up and down the court like a bunch of fuck mouths, but you're getting nowhere without the proper piece. That piece being his dick inside your vagina, which I'm sure might be tighter than an anus now because you've been so dick deprived. Which reminds me, shoot me your cell number...I'd fuck you right. Kidding...not really.

You're probably telling yourself, "I can't leave him...I've been with him for so long and we really do get along. I'm just sad that he doesn't want to fuck me anymore. You're crazy, J-Wunder. I needed you to help me find a solution with him, not without him." If this is what you're thinking, which I'm pretty sure crossed your mind, realize this...

If you don't peace out now and end this on a positive note, you're more than likely going to fuck someone else behind his back. The sad part...you're gonna like this new piece of dick and try to live a double life making your pussy happy and keeping your relationship "healthy"and together. Everyone reading this may think I'm lying and full of complete shit, but it happens. That's the problem with mother fuckers these days. They don't have the goddamn balls to tell someone what the problem is and just sit there feeling sorry for themselves. Convincing themselves how great things are when really, they're not. Don't fool a fool, fool. If you have to do that, then shit will blow up in your face. Tell your man that y'all need to relight that fire again or you're out. Nothing wrong being honest. However, there's something wrong not saying anything. If you have said something and nothing has happened, guess what? You need to bounce the fuck out like a fat kid hitting a home run in a game of kickball. Real talk.

Congrats on an amazing emo relationship. Now do me and the world a favor...go find a very tall building and jump right the fuck off. STOP THIS SHIT. If y'all were so emotionally amazing, then y'all would be fucking. A TON. Horny is an emotion. When you have that emotion, you typically fuck like rabbits ready to go Ghostbusters on someones face. You do not talk about the Presidential debate, how the play, "Hamlet", changed your life, or why you love each other so much after 6 glorious years of complete and utter bullshit. Shit or get off the pot and let him know what the fuck is up. Because any man who admits he can be a "monk" is something that clearly speaks Code Red. Time is ticking before his ass puts you in the "Friend Zone"...or tells you he likes playing with nuts in his mouth.

Gotta Keep It 100,

JW

What Break Up Lines Really Mean