Dear J-Wunder,The Fucking Fortune Cookie
Just a little post for the idiots that feel it's necessary to take up space on my FB page with ridiculous posts about some fucking fortune cookie being delivered. First of all, people....really, if life is so bad you have to depend on the results of some random app on FB and then have it posted on everyone's wall give it up already, you've already gone off the deep end. Secondly, I don't mean to be a bitch but I could care less about what the shit says..so please spare the space and refrain from allowing such crap to be placed on my page. If you've made it to my page good for you, if you'd like to stay their keep that shit off......that goes for the daily horoscope too.
On a side note: I totally understand the value of youtube and appreciate what it has to offer. For the sake of not embarrassing yourselves can you please refrain from posting video after video in a row for hours on end. You may not have anything else to do with your day but for fuck's sake don't advertise it........
Sincerely,
Random app hater
Thoughts from J-Wunder:
Dear Random App Hater,
Laugh My Mother Fucking Ass Off! Real talk yo. Once I saw "The Fucking Fortune Cookie" in my inbox, I shat myself. It was like you were mind fucking me. Lets begin and assess shall we?
3/4 of the folks reading this are dying with laughter right now. I mean, they are probably saying to themselves, "You are so fucking right! Amen! I hate that shit too! Fuck those fortune cookie people. Waste.Of.Time."
While that's happening, 1/4 of the folks reading this are pissed. Well, because they are guilty of the fortune cookie obsession. I call it an obsession for a few reasons.
1) They seem to believe that this application works like a real fortune cookie. You know real fortune cookies are bullshit too, right? I stopped believing in them when I was, I don't know...5 years old.
2) They hope that one of those fortune cookies will reveal those winning lottery numbers and they become rich. News flash - you have a better chance getting struck by lightning.
3) They analyze what their daily fortune says and it becomes their "mantra of the day." Here's a mantra - "Go fuck a goat."
4) They are truly convinced that someway, somehow, these fortune cookies will pick them up, off their feet, so they can move forward in their lives...almost as some motivational words. If you need motivational words from a fucking fortune cookie, do me a favor...go to the top of a very tall building and jump. If you survive, that should be enough motivation to never try to listen to a fucking fortune cookie again, you weird mother fucker.
5) They want the world to see how "lucky" they are with that day's fortune. You know what lucky is? "Lucky" is when a fucking bum saves you from getting hit by a bus. "Lucky" is when you banged someone with herpes and didn't contract it. "Lucky" is finding a fucking $100 bill on the street. "Lucky" is shitting your pants and no one was around to witness it. That's lucky. Not some bullshit application that randomly sent you four numbers and a sentence that barely makes sense.
There you have it friends. I hope this doesn't offend you fortune cookie app lovers out there. The truth of the matter is, you fall under one of these five categories. If you are denying it right now, think again. Why the fuck else would you be doing it? I'm here to listen (jwunder33@gmail.com).
Oh, and for you people that post 10-15 YouTube videos a day, that shit is cool. Sometimes. But when you post every fucking song that "you absolutely love"...guess what? That doesn't bode well with your friends. Actually, that could get your ass punched in the face and stabbed by bums from San Francisco. Ease up on the bullshit, k?
You're probably saying, "Well Mr. J-Wunder, I'm tired of you always posting shit about updates on your blog. Same shit." Uh, no it's not. You know why? Your ass is reading my shit right now, while no one is watching your shitty "Walk like a fucking Egyptian" video you posted 18 fucking times today. Yeah.That.Just.Happened.
You're Welcome,
J-Wunder
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