Advice Column: Passive Aggressive

Hey J-Wunder,

I hate when people are passive aggressive on Facebook. It's like why do you make your posts about someone who is on your friends list, if you don't like the bastard then defriend them. Quit putting your friend drama on your status. I mean I thought I graduated HS 16 years ago (shut up). I mean damn, it's no longer cute to have drama with your BFF when you are in your 30's people! And no one wants to hear about your damn BFF drama, if they do they are just as ghetto as you! Shoot! Im fired up! Hate that shit though, when someone pisses me off I hit delete and block!!!

Respectfully,
Drama Free




Dear Drama Free,

I think you hit the nail on the head my friend. There is nothing worse when some dumbass tries to put their "friend" on blast. I could give two shits what your drama entails. Although, being a blogger, I kinda do care because your drama is what myself and others live for, bitches! But I digress...

A majority of the drama I see, are usually about how someone got mad about something from someone who said this about that person, who said their friends friend who is really dating their boyfriend's brother, but not really, blah, blah fucking blah, better watch their back (or some type of bullshit like that). As a lot of you are re-reading that last part 10 times over, that's how fucked up and confusing shit can get with the bullshit drama...amiright? None of the shit makes any fucking sense and sounds like a Chinese dude and a homeboy from Sudan trying to talk to one another over India food.

NEWS FLASH: Grow the fuck up people.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!!

If you have shit to say, say it to their face and not to the public (because that's what your intent is...to make your friend look stupid, right?). Myself as well as the rest of your FB friends don't care about you and your BFF's goddamn ordeal. Delete, Delete, Delete, if you hate this person. Then find them and karate chop the fuck out of their throat. Oh wait...what the hell am I saying? There's a good chance you'll kiss each others ass an hour later and everything will be all good, right? Back to BFF's, hanging out and loving the fuck out of one another and playing "find the taint," huh? That shit is worse than a junior high relationship. Real talk.

What cracks me up is how other friends try to play Dr. fucking Phil and start posting comments in support of their very angry friend (grrrrr). Watch out folks because we have a bad ass over here! FYI - you mother fuckers are just as stupid (especially when you don't know the person or the story). But hey, who are we staying out of it, right? That's right, we're the drama free people.

My advice is simple. Start getting in the middle of the posts, call them out and be a complete fucking dick...I guarantee that person will STOP being passive aggressive and airing their dirty laundry. And if they don't stop, just say, "fuck it," and delete them. Why waste your time checking out your latest "news feed" and see 20 posts about your friend talking some shit about a friend you could give two shits about. Shit, that was a lot of shit for one fucking sentence.

Remember kids, it's called FACEBOOK, not CLOTHESLINE, so stop airing your dirty laundry.

You're Welcome. 

Keep it Real,

J-Wunder

A Confessional BURNNNNNN!!!!

Facebook Confessions: Oozing for Attention

Dear J-Wundeezy,


Ok, I have noticed lately that a bunch of Facebook friends I have, have been posting shit on their status that seem to want attention.  Everything from breaking up with ex's, how shitty their lives are to just being mad all the time.  What the fuck gives?  I know you probably wrote similar columns to this a few times, but this specifically is driving me insane.  It's soooo annoying and sometimes I want to unfriend these people that are just begging for attention.  You are the man with all the answers, so please...answer.  

Sincerely,
My Friends are Pathetic

Advice from J-Wunder:

Dear My Friends are Pathetic,

Your friends are fucking pathetic.  Why are you even friends with these fucks in the first place?  I have to say, this shit seems so fucking common amongst Facebookers.  What am I saying...these people are a bunch of Facebitchers.

Every goddamn day you wake up, you start your day pissed the fuck off.  Why?  Because Debbie fucking Downer has been bitching since 2am about the following:

1) They hate the fucking world.  You know what?  Sometimes I hate the fucking world too but do I have to fucking write about it you silly sack of shit?  I hope you get fucking struck by lightening you goddamn grouch.  Lighten the fuck up and go drink some fucking coffee or something.  

2) They are in constant pain and agony (back, neck, legs, arms, head...EVERYTHING).  I'm curious...while you sit and bitch on FB about your ailments, how on earth is that going to fix your problem?  Some of you mother fuckers aren't even 30 years old and you're talking about shit 80 year old people get.  Arthritis my fucking ass.  Just be honest and say that you have some type of STD, athletes foot, possibly AIDS or a goddamn yeast infection in your vagina and it's not fucking enjoyable at the moment.  For fuck's sake people. 

Stop trying to beg for attention from people that would rather take a bat and beat the shit out of you with, then wish they would posts sincere comments like, "Awwww, I hope you feel better," "If I was there, I would bring you some soup," "Sending my love and prayers."  All I'm saying is deep down inside your "friends" really hope your ass doesn't wake up from the next fucking nap you take...better yet, they are probably hoping your ass chokes on a big mother fucking chicken bone and your face turns blue.  Shut the fuck up you goddamn geriatric and rub some dirt on your wounds you pussy.   

3) They were cheated on.  Congratu-fucking-lations.  You know why you were cheated on?  Because you're fucking clingy.  You're bad in bed.  You can't kiss for shit.  You eat a girl out like you're eating fucking Chinese take-out.  You suck cock like you are trying to kill a rat with your mouth.  You don't act like a man.  You don't act like a woman.  Your cock resembles a coat hanger.  Your vagina looks like something from a bar in Bakersfield.  I can go on and fucking on people.

Guess what friend?  No one gives a shit about you getting cheated on.  Honestly.  If it ain't them that got fucked over, why do they care that the person you loved so damn much, fucked the goddamn garbage man or dental assistant behind your back?  Life goes on for people that don't have those problems.  What are you looking for?  Famous quotes from goddamn Socrates or something to cheer your pathetic ass up?  Oh, let me guess...you need a bunch of friends to take you out, get you wasted so you make yourself look like an ass so you can wind up the next day, on your bathroom floor, naked, covered in throw up?  Go fuck yourself and move on.  Ain't no one want to hear about the shit that doesn't apply to them.  You need someone to talk to, go see Dr. Phil.  I'm sure he would love to deal with your goddamn psychotic ass.

4) Their friends are a bunch of two face bitches.  I'll make this part short and sweet.  News flash dip shit...those mother fuckers aren't your friends.  They never fucking were.  You are just too stupid to notice because you think every mother fucker you meet on the street is your BFF.  Big fucking deal you met some people at a bar and you had drinks together.  Sorry to tell you this, but all they wanted to do was either steal your phone and wallet or fuck your brains out and spread those herpes they contracted last week.  Nothing personal.  See, it's stupid people like you, everyone takes advantage of.  Don't believe me...ask yourself why you go through new friends every 3 months you weird mother fucker.

5) Life sucks and isn't worth living.  Good, I'm glad.  Do everyone a fucking favor and go hang yourself jackass.  Better yet, go drive your car off the side of the goddamn freeway.  Have you heard of therapy?  Maybe, I don't know, finding someone you can have sex with?  I don't care if it's a bum on the street you need to have sex with either.  Have you tried masturbating?  Masturbating always cures depression.  For an interim time only, of course.

Wake up people, can you honestly say writing shit like that on your wall makes people want to still be friends with you?  A cry for help, ya think?!  If life sucks that bad, don't think some friend on Facebook is going to show you the light and preach the "good word" like they are Joel Osteen.  They are too busy posting pictures of their drunk friend making out with a tranny on their page.

Man, you sons of bitches kill me every time you pull some shit like this.  You think other mother fuckers don't have problems and hate their lives too, huh?  Stop posting your shit people don't want to hear about.  It's sad as shit and you look like a fucking clown.  

Oozing for attention.  It's like high school all over again.  The sad thing is, adults actually do this shit.  Fucking adults.  Can you believe that?  The solution is simple friend.  Unfriend these fucking people because the value they have is nothing.  Unless you want to hate life, become addicted to some sort of drug, feel the urge to hate others and start shooting mother fuckers because you are THAT angry, I guess you can still be friends with them.

Life Without Drama Is Like a Good Orgasm,

J-Wunder

Facebook Confessions: He's Up To Something

Dear J-Wunder,

I have a bone to pick with my man.  He constantly denies my friend request on Facebook and I'm his freaking girlfriend.  We've been dating for almost a year and til this day, he won't be friends with me.  Does he have something to hide?  When we argue, it's usually about this.  Can I trust him?  Help so I don't assume the worst.

Sincerely,
He's Up to Something




Dear He's Up to Something,

I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible.  Your man...he's up to fucking something.  No doubt woman.  You've been together for almost one year and he's flat out DENIED your friend request on FB.  If that doesn't tell you that he's hiding something, then you're a fucking idiot.  The dude is trying to be sly.  The funny thing is, he ain't fooling anyone.  Maybe your ass, but no one else.  Denying you access to him on Facebook denies you access to all the other pieces of ass and gems he has hiding.  Can you trust him?  You should trust his ass like you trust someone that has contracted herpes.  You tell me if you should trust him?

Don't be that bimbo.  Please.  It's fucking Facebook, so what the fuck does he have to hide?  Obviously too much since you've been denied friend access for almost 12 months now.  Are you really that fucking dumb, seriously?  I don't want to turn this into a Dr. Phil episode but you do realize that what's going on right now is making you look like a complete ass.  Your man is banging someone.  What am I talking about.  He's probably banging multiple someones.  Shit, he's probably dating other chicks on top of you, doing the same shit, having his way.  He's doing what players do.  Actually, he's doing what "so-called" players do.  When in reality, smart players don't do this shit.  Matter of fact, real players, including women, that play the game don't even have a fucking Facebook.  That shit is a "Death Trap" to them.  You can't trace something that never existed, right?   

I'm not a fan of invading other peoples privacy.  If you trust them enough, they'll budge and let you see what you think they were hiding.  Case closed, you end up feeling dumb, you kiss, have make-up sex and the conversation never gets brought up again.  Yay for bullshit drama. 

In your case, it's only Facebook.  A Social fucking Network.  So invade the fuck away because your man is hiding something for sure.  What could it be?  I don't fucking know.  I'm not a psychic.  It could be a number of things.  Bitches he's boning.  Maybe he likes dudes.  He's a drug dealer.  I don't know.  But if I was a betting man, I would say he's hiding other chicks from you.  Facebook is the new fucking Rolodex or Black Book for some people which includes your slap dick of a boyfriend.   

All I know is that you're hanging around like flies on horse shit and letting the guy get away with a "hit that ass and run" crime.  But you know what, good for him because you're playing the card he wants you to play.  Think about it.  Say he is hooking up with other chicks.  And he's done that for a year.  That means, your vagina has touched 3 or more other vaginas.  Your mouth has touched 3 or more other mouths...oh, and vaginas.  Put the pieces together lady.  That isn't a yeast infection you got a month ago.  It's called an STD.  And NO, just eating yogurt once a day won't cure it.  The sheets weren't dirty that caused you to get what you described as "lice of the pubes."  That's called krabs.  Your man gave that to you.  You can thank the skank he banged in the alley way near your favorite Irish Pub for that.

If you keep going on at this rate, your vagina will no longer be accepted by other men or women let alone good enough to put a dildo to use.  Your man is living the dream.  Crush that dream, give him a mean paper cut to the nut sack and move on.  Oh, if you really do have an STD or Krabs, please get that shit checked out.  That's really fucking disgusting. 

Sincerely,

J-Wunder

Facebook Confessions: For the Love of...

Dear J-Wunder,

Alright, I have a really big pet peeve that I'm not even sure I should call to attention. But I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, so here it goes:

Stop, I mean STOP with the religious status updates. I know it's the holidays and you have a lot to be thankful for, but fuck, for the love of God (yeah, I said it) - STOP.

I saw a doozie the other day:
Stephanie ****** is so thankful to have such a wonderful life. I am giving God all the glory and honor, the power of prayer is really amazing.

Now please understand, I'm not saying I hate people who are religious, nor am I saying your beliefs are wrong, but Facebook is not the forum to share such thoughts. Your church group is.

Sincerely,
Am I going to hell?


Thoughts from J-Wunder:

Dear Am I Going to Hell?,

This was one of the subjects I was hoping to never touch base on. However, since the topic of discussion has presented itself, I guess I will try my very best to give you an answer without trying to offend anyone.

Do I believe in God? You bet your sweet ass I do.  Have I been to church (by choice) in the last 2 years?  No.  Why you ask?  It's pretty simple...why walk into God's house and burst into a ball of fire for some shit I would rather not talk about right now?

My rap sheet would not only get me struck by lightning but would probably blow up the church instantaneously.  Seriously.

So with that being said, all I have to say is...

Yes.  You are going to hell.  I'll save you a seat on the bus.

You're Welcome,

J-Wunder

Facebook Confessions: Number Crazy

Dear Mr. J-Wunder,

I really really wish these people would stop playing this dumb f-ing number game already! I don't care what number person you are talking about, what you think of them, it is all just a waste of typing. Are we supposed to be in some great suspense on who they are talking about?? Why do people need to post what they think of someone to the rest of their friends, but they can't even say who it is they are talking about, only say a stupid number??? And the real topper is when they say "ok, last one I swear..." and it's never the last one!!! STOP IT ALREADY!!!!

Until next time,
Please hurt the number game inventor


Dear Please hurt the number game inventor,

#1,204,974 - This is bullshit!  Lets play the game of, "Who gives a flying fuck."  How bout after you do your 25 posts about people that want attention, we do a REPOST this if you're a fucking idiot?! How bout that?  Bunch of fucking yam bags, I swear.

There are a few things I will NEVER do on Facebook:

1) Play that stupid fucking numbers game.  You're fucking up my universe and overloading my news feed people.  You know who you are.

2) Play those fucking games...I don't care what the fucking game is.  It's a game and it's fucking stupid.  No, I don't want to help you grow your fucking virtual crops on Farmville and no I don't want to steal fucking ammo for you on Mafia Wars.  For fuck sakes people.  Access denied.  Oh, this includes you stupid fuckers that like to Poke people too.  The only thing I'm poking is your sister asshole.  

3) Give the play by play on my life.  It's cool to a certain extent, but when you start talking about shit that makes me feel oddly uncomfortable, that's a sign that you need to keep that shit within the comfort of your own home.  Seriously, you look like a dumb ass looking for attention that you aren't getting from your own family members.  If that's the case, go see a therapist and talk to them about how you'll never find love and every person you meet has tried to run you over with their car.  Posting shit like this makes me want to unfriend you and get a restraining order due to your instability as a fucking human being.

4) Act tough via my status.  Yup, I said it.  For some reason, people think they sound all big and bad when they try to talk shit to someone via Facebook status.  They use ALL CAPS and cuss a lot.  You really think you scare people?  Seriously?  Like those words are gonna jump off the screen and kick them in the face.  To those people that have experienced these idiots, don't worry.  I will tell you that they aren't shit and have a bigger bark then bite.  If they are as bad as they say they are, they'd kick your ass personally, not type a 250 word Facebook status on how bad they want to kill you.  So in short, go fuck yourself Terry Tough Guys and Gals.  

5) Get on Facebook at 12:01am to wish my friend a happy fucking birthday to feel special since I was the first one to send that post.  Two words - Dip Shit.  I'm not gonna go on an angry tirade with this because it's pretty self-explanatory.

The numbers game probably started by some idiot that has no job, no friends and hasn't had sex in I don't know...EVER.  I never understood how people have so much time to post so much meaningless shit.  Notice I said meaningless.  I don't mean to hate but I think some people really need to take a good look at themselves in the mirror and ask why?  I don't know what that "why" question should be b/c I'm not the one with the fucking problems or addictions to shit like this.  Yeah I post a lot of shit, but my shit serves its purpose.  That's the difference.

Am I wrong here people?  Do we need to make this an open forum?  The comment regarding this numbers game is beyond valid.  Like "Please hurt the number game inventor" said, "STOP IT ALREADY!!!!"  This shit ain't funny and never was cute.  So stop it now or you'll be left with just relatives as your FB friends.

Just Sayin',

J-Wunder

Facebook Confessions: Good Fortune

Dear J-Wunder,

The Fucking Fortune Cookie

Just a little post for the idiots that feel it's necessary to take up space on my FB page with ridiculous posts about some fucking fortune cookie being delivered. First of all, people....really, if life is so bad you have to depend on the results of some random app on FB and then have it posted on everyone's wall give it up already, you've already gone off the deep end. Secondly, I don't mean to be a bitch but I could care less about what the shit says..so please spare the space and refrain from allowing such crap to be placed on my page. If you've made it to my page good for you, if you'd like to stay their keep that shit off......that goes for the daily horoscope too.

On a side note: I totally understand the value of youtube and appreciate what it has to offer. For the sake of not embarrassing yourselves can you please refrain from posting video after video in a row for hours on end. You may not have anything else to do with your day but for fuck's sake don't advertise it........

Sincerely,
Random app hater


Thoughts from J-Wunder:

Dear Random App Hater,

Laugh My Mother Fucking Ass Off!  Real talk yo.  Once I saw "The Fucking Fortune Cookie" in my inbox, I shat myself.  It was like you were mind fucking me.  Lets begin and assess shall we?

3/4 of the folks reading this are dying with laughter right now.  I mean, they are probably saying to themselves, "You are so fucking right!  Amen!  I hate that shit too!  Fuck those fortune cookie people.  Waste.Of.Time." 

While that's happening, 1/4 of the folks reading this are pissed.  Well, because they are guilty of the fortune cookie obsession.  I call it an obsession for a few reasons.

1) They seem to believe that this application works like a real fortune cookie.  You know real fortune cookies are bullshit too, right?  I stopped believing in them when I was, I don't know...5 years old. 

2) They hope that one of those fortune cookies will reveal those winning lottery numbers and they become rich.  News flash -  you have a better chance getting struck by lightning.

3) They analyze what their daily fortune says and it becomes their "mantra of the day."  Here's a mantra -  "Go fuck a goat."

4) They are truly convinced that someway, somehow, these fortune cookies will pick them up, off their feet, so they can move forward in their lives...almost as some motivational words.  If you need motivational words from a fucking fortune cookie, do me a favor...go to the top of a very tall building and jump.  If you survive, that should be enough motivation to never try to listen to a fucking fortune cookie again, you weird mother fucker. 

5) They want the world to see how "lucky" they are with that day's fortune.  You know what lucky is?  "Lucky" is when a fucking bum saves you from getting hit by a bus.  "Lucky" is when you banged someone with herpes and didn't contract it.  "Lucky" is finding a fucking $100 bill on the street.  "Lucky" is shitting your pants and no one was around to witness it.  That's lucky.  Not some bullshit application that randomly sent you four numbers and a sentence that barely makes sense.

There you have it friends.  I hope this doesn't offend you fortune cookie app lovers out there.  The truth of the matter is, you fall under one of these five categories.  If you are denying it right now, think again.  Why the fuck else would you be doing it?  I'm here to listen (jwunder33@gmail.com).

Oh, and for you people that post 10-15 YouTube videos a day, that shit is cool.  Sometimes.  But when you post every fucking song that "you absolutely love"...guess what?  That doesn't bode well with your friends.  Actually, that could get your ass punched in the face and stabbed by bums from San Francisco.  Ease up on the bullshit, k?

You're probably saying, "Well Mr. J-Wunder, I'm tired of you always posting shit about updates on your blog.  Same shit."  Uh, no it's not.  You know why?  Your ass is reading my shit right now, while no one is watching your shitty "Walk like a fucking Egyptian" video you posted 18 fucking times today.  Yeah.That.Just.Happened.

You're Welcome,

J-Wunder

Facebook Confessions: Back and Forth

Dear J-Wunderman,

Ok, so here's my peeve, just one of many of course but I'll start with this one.

I can't stand when people air their stupidity to their FB world...such as being confused about a guy, not knowing if they should still see this person, why is he so lame, we are so done, he don't know what he'll be missing....etc.

But then the next post will be how happy they finally are, never been so happy in their life, because he must've said something so utterly convincing to shut her up, blah blah blah. Just to post the next day how miserable they are once again. Mostly it is the young girls doing this, and they just don't realize how stupid they look to everyone, even after their friends have given them all the advice they can, they really aren't listening anyways. What, do they want sympathy for being so dumb??

Ok, so I want to hear your thoughts cuz I can use some laughs right now, maybe tomorrow I will send you yet another doozy....

Sincerely,
I keep it real



Dear I keep it real,

Isn't that some shit girl?!  The notorious, "What do I do about my guy" question to the Facebook world?  I'm not a relationship doctor but here's what I do know.  That bitch that you speak of, is what I like to call a fucking numb-nut.  Dumb ass.  Stupid fuck.  Fuck face.  Basically, a girl that has set her relationship life into a fucking drama-filled disaster, put on by her own actions.

These people don't know how to take their shit off-line because they like the attention.  They feed off the sympathy.  They eat up the comments from their other dumb ass friends that "went through the same thing".  Guess what?  Those bitches that play Dr. Phil to you, are by themselves...right now, wondering, "What the fuck did I do to be in this position" too.  Don't believe me, ask them if they currently have a stable relationship. And when I say stable, I mean not some bullshit relationship that has been "off and on" for six months.

News flash to Miss Lover-Lover.  You sound like a bitch lost in time.  Someone that shits from the front and pisses from the back.  You walk with two left feet that are broken.  It's these people that need to realize that when things go good again, it's because something went wrong with their man's original plan that didn't involve her.  True story.

I couldn't agree more that this topic has to do more with teenagers.  But to me, that seems normal (in some fucked up way).  Some teenagers are fucking idiots.  I know I was.  I'm just glad I snapped out of that bullshit world and didn't stick around to see a disaster happen.

The sad part is, we experience this with adults.  Fucking adults.  People in their 20's and 30's...shit, add 40 and 50 year olds to that shit too.  It's a cycle those people will never break.  Misery loves company.  And men love chicks that will go back to them no matter how much of an asshole they are.  Don't blame the guy.  Blame the dumb ass broad that thinks love is when her man bangs another whore but still loves her.  Run from these people.  Far, far away.  Matter of fact, unfriend these mother fuckers because they will bring you down.  Bring you down to China Town.  And if you've ever watched Big Trouble in Little China, you know what I'm fucking talking about.

No need to tip me,

J-Wunder