Showing posts with label facebook column. Show all posts
Showing posts with label facebook column. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 8, 2014
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Advice Column: FACEBOOK: Helping To Ruin Relationships Since 2004
Mr. Genius,
I am contacting you in hopes that you can give me a much needed outside males view on the lines by boyfriend is spitting me. A little background, he has been in the military for 15 years: Marines, Army, and contracting work. He divorced his wife of six years last year (they had been separated for the last two years), and we've been dating ever since. His work has kept him overseas for 5 months at a time (2 months home a year) for awhile now, but he quit in December and is now home for good!
With him being so far from the "real world" for so long, I understand that his only way of human connection was over the internet. Summer of last year I get a Facebook message from some women asking who I was, and said she was his girlfriend. She had met him online, but had never seen him in person. When confronted by me, he responded by first saying she was only a "friend". Then after a little digging, he came out saying it didn't mean anything, it was just a game to him, he was bored and just needed something to pass the time. I was upset, but since she lived across the country from where we do, and nothing physically happened, I let it go with a warning to stop all that. Strike one.
Now that he is home, I find out that there are about 5 women from his past/hometown a few hours up the road that he still speaks with, who he calls his "friends". Mr. Genius, I had a feeling, and though it is embarrassing I will admit it, I looked through his phone. I find emails from one of these women discussing all the conversations they had of promises to be together when he came home for good. Also, texts from her begging him for financial help, and a relationship. Confront him again, they are just friends, she's crazy, she knows he is with me, blah blah blah. I let it go AGAIN, letting him know its not cool to let a women talk to him like that when we are in a relationship. He needed to nip that shit in the bud. A month later, and what set me off today was that he got drunk last night, called all these women multiple times by the look of his call and text log, and asked some women on facebook who he admittedly hadn't spoke with since he was 15 out to lunch. She lives in his hometown.... He is going home to visit family this weekend. He said he was so hammered he doesn't remember it, and would never meet her for real.
What is the deal? Is it really just talk? Like he is stuck in his overseas mentality about needing a connection with someone over technology? Are they only "friends"? His point is that nothing has happened, all he does is talk with them. He has never, and will never, physically do anything. He says I am bringing this hurt on myself by looking through his stuff, and what I don't know won't hurt me. His exact words.
Am I wrong or right with my suspicions that these relationships are not only "friendly"? Is this something I should just not care about? Please give me your male perspective!
Sincerely,
Suspicious Sally
Dear Suspicous Sally,
First off, I would like to say to you and anyone else who is planning on writing in to Ghetto Genius HQ for advice - PLEASE STOP EMAILING YOUR GODDAMN LIFE STORY. GET TO THE FUCKING POINT. I AIN'T TRYING TO READ DETAILS OF SHIT I DON'T CARE ABOUT, NEITHER IS ANYONE ELSE. THANKS, MANAGEMENT.
Now let's get to your question, shall we?
Basically what you're telling me is that since your man has been back from serving this amazing country, you found some broads who he has collected in his "basket O bitches" and is doing what he needs to do to keep YOU and those gals happy and content.
Let me say something that you and the world should already know...although Facebook is great at reconnecting friends, family and the latter, Facebook ruins people, relationships and everything in between.
REAL TALK.
I don't know how many columns I've written about how the giant of social networking is a love/hate relationship with the world. But it fucking is. Times a million bags of dicks.
People can come up with all the excuses in the goddamn world when it comes to talking to other people via the internets. If you hit someone up and have something start so innocent that turns into something a little more serious to the point it affects a relationship, then we got problems, don't we?
I'm no saint. I've been there, done that. Now, did it fuck up one of my relationships? No, sir. Did it have the chance to ruin the other persons relationship? You bet your sweet ass it did. That's why my ass put on the breaks and didn't want to be that motherfucking guy. You're welcome people with morals.
But why? Why do motherfuckers do that? Why do folks feel inclined to reconnect with people or hit up new ones to the point they go to the extremes of acting as if something is going down or planning for something to go down, even though they know it's 100% wrong?
I'll tell you motherfuckers 5 reasons why.
Reason #1: They LOVE attention.
Everyone (even those motherfuckers who deny it) LOVE attention. They love it in all forms. As long as they get it, they will take it and ride that wave til it dies. Especially if it comes from the opposite sex and gets to a place where boundaries are crossed. Call it flirting all you want, just know that nothing is "innocent" anymore. Fuck that and fuck no. Sure it MAY start off as innocent then one day, someone wants to take that shit a step fucking further and talk about sex and their favorite positions or meeting up for a drink or flying to some goddamn place for a quick little rendezvous. That's what goes down, people. That's the shit people talk about then when they get caught say, "It didn't mean anything. We were just flirting...blah, blah, fucking blah." Someone about to get a foot flirted up they ass if they keep that up.
Reason #2: They are bored in their current relationship.
Let's be real...motherfuckers get bored in their relationship after time. Contentment sets in, sex is at an all-time low, fools gained some weight, Saturday nights consist of watching re-runs of "Chopped" and "The Desperate Housewives of Beverly Hills" and things have gone from exciting to "what the fuck am I still doing in this relationship?" So what does one do who is "faithful" in a bored relationship? They hit up good 'ol Facebook and strike up conversation with those "old friends" of the opposite sex. Better yet, they troll pages and pull the infamous hook, line and sinker til they get the catch of their liking. Again, everything ALWAYS starts off as innocent. Then a few days go by. Then a week or two. All of the sudden months and you know what? You are someone you know you aren't who those people think you are and for all they know, you're single, been through some rough patches or have this amazing life and want to be all bout it bout it with them. Introduce yourself back to people from your past or introducing yourself to new ones is a recipe for disaster. Why? Because what you have is not what you currently want...especially if it's not what it used to be. This is why motherfuckers need to talk and know who the fuck you're dealing with. Because if you don't, have fun playing second fiddle to the new internet lover.
Reason #3: They want to know if they "still got it."
As we get older, the one thing we always want to make sure is if "I still got it." "Do I still have game?" "Am I still attractive?" "Does my charm, still get bitches panties wet?" Call me a clown or a dumb fuck, but if there is one insecurity that people have, it's "can I still do what I did 10 years ago?" Sadly, a majority of motherfuckers try and live in this world while others, adjust and adapt accordingly...and still fucking succeed! Facebook is a platform of online dating without actual words being spoken. Everyone who is anyone can write shit and sound intelligent. I mean, look at me...I'm like a genius when really, I'm just a dude who loves booze, vagina and barely knows how to read. But man, my words sure are powerful! Thanks, Google! I kid, I kid. Anyway, when there is ample opportunity to spit game, people will. Sure your personality may have always been flirty but when you do it too much, then you know what the fuck your intention is. Remember, no one regrets anything they intended to do. Even if you get caught and regret the fuck out of it, you really don't. You just say you did because your ass got caught red handed...and you can take that shit to the bank! BOOM! But I digress...
Being in a relationship gives people a sense that they may have lost that magic touch they once had. This is why they love flirting and reconnecting with the opposite sex on Facebook. To make sure that they game they spit 2 years ago, is the same game they can run with 2 years later and beyond. Life can be about looks, but if you talk like a retarded motherfucker, you're gonna have some trouble getting that freak in the sheets. Straight up.
Reason #4: They are sociopaths who don't really care about the feelings of others.
I think because of Facebook and social networking, I'm convinced the amount of heartless sociopaths has risen by 10 million percent. Mr. Zuckerfuck has given us a tool that helps those shit heads talk to whomever the fuck they want without being concerned about those who love them and are in love with them. See, Facebook is a game. A dating and "let me see how many motherfuckers I can keep in my black book" game. We're all out to get ours. That's fact. We all have needs and in order to fulfill those needs, we need to be selfish and not give any fucks about anyone other than the person we are trying to swoon. Not much more to say here other than, there are a ton of these motherfuckers and if you can't point them out, you're gonna have a long and rough road.
Reason #5: They LOVE the CHASE.
It's common that men and women love the chase. They love the fact that the opposite sex can play hard to get. It's that game of chess with Bobby Fischer. In order to dominate, execute and succeed, you must plan strategically without flaws so the prey you are looking to pounce on, sees it, and is at your mercy. This is the shit that turns fools on. This is the shit that makes them want more. This is the shit that makes them not want to stop. It's all about what happens in the beginning in order to conquer in the end. What they say, how they say it. What they do, how they do it. Chasing what they can't have until they have it is what strings both parties along. It starts as a game, continues as an addiction and sometimes has a fucked up ending...with a lot more motherfuckers involved than one thinks. Why chase just one when you can chase 10 at the same time? Especially on Facebook for fucks sake, right?
What I'm pointing out are facts. Not everyone is guilty of them, however, a lot more than you think are. Does your man fall into one or more of these reasons? You tell me. I'm just the guy who is keeping it real, stating what happens in the world of Facebook and letting you know that no matter what he says, he's still doing you wrong. Excuses are like assholes, everyone has 'em. I like mine clean without shit coming out all the time. How much shit are you willing to take.
Think about it, Sweet Tits.
Good luck,
J-Wunderful
Monday, February 10, 2014
Mirror, Mirror On My Facebook Wall...
Mirror Mirror on my Facebook wall, what is the biggest lie of all?
I contemplate deleting my Facefuck page multiple times a day; but then I go back, like the junkie I am, and scroll through my feed to see what the fuck is up with all my peeps. It's not that I am sick of the kitten videos, BuzzFeed quizzes or even the 1,014,777 statuses my friends and family post of their kid getting potty trained. I contemplate deleting it because there are so many motherfucking liars out there.
I don't give a shit if you lie to yourself about what the fuck ever you want to lie about, but what cracks me the fuck up is when I read a post about something ludicrous, I cringe and am all, "Heeeellllllllllllllll naaaawwwww...that fucker is all about the smoke and mirrors today." This isn't another one of those columns where I give you a list of reasons why I hate Fuckbook or the people we hate the most, because that shit has been done more times than a bus stop skank and is so 2013. This is all about the biggest lies we tell Facebook, and the world, but we seem to forget that there are always one or two people out there that know all our dirty little secrets and can, and just might, put that shit on blast one day.
We get it, your life if fucking perfect all day, errry day. No really, keep telling us. I love reading about someone's so called perfect life, when I know that person is a grade A train-wreck, but on FB they are parent of the year, their kids are all on honor roll, and they just ran a marathon for charity. Better yet, they "Love their life so much because God has blessed them with this and that and blah, blah, blah, blah bliggity blah!" Bitch, please. <Insert eye roll here>. The only person you are fooling is yourself, which is even funnier because the more you post about your awesome life, the more people are figuring out that it is not so great. Hey, I'm not saying I'm a fucking saint because the reality is, we ALL do it. Let's not get shit twisted. I mean, who would want to constantly put, "My life is so shitty...Fuck this...Fuck that...Fuck everybody" on their page, right? What needs to be known though, is that there are a lot of motherfuckers out there that do it way more than others. I'm talking like DAILY. And for those that want to pull the "Well, if you don't fucking like it, 'unfriend' them or 'hide their news feed'." Hey assholes, why would we do that when it's shit like this that we talk about so those who need to get checked, get checked. That's just what we do so before anyone wants to go and stand on their soap box, preach a sermon and give whatever rebuttal you have, just know this - AIN'T NO ONE TRYING TO HEAR THAT SHIT. But I digress...
Oh, and what's that? You love the Lord? Good, I am glad you like posting Bible quotes and showing everyone how pious you are. Can you tell me what part of the Bible where it talks about what you did a few days ago? I think I missed that Sunday school class. I love the Hypochristians who claim to love the Lord, but will be the first to crucify some motherfucker for the same shit they just did. Let me guess...because you're a "changed person," you get to judge whoever the fuck you want, right? Tell me how that fucking works, y'all? Because I'm clueless to how someone is all, "Glory be to God...God is good," then does some ridiculous shit like stays up for 2 days high off coke, in Vegas, walking around clueless as to why they are broke as fuck but is all "YOLO, bitches" and is posting pics like they just partied with Justin Bieber, Charlie Sheen, Miley Cyrus and Lindsay fucking Lohan. Now that I think about it, in John 3:16 it said, "Thou shalt do stupid shit and give big ups to thy Lord and Savior because YOLO is thy best thing to the game and bitches can't be tripping off thy neighbor while posting selfies and all the greatest achievements one does for their friends, family, humanity and all mankind, son." My bad, peeps. What the fuck was I thinking?
And for those of you reading this, shaking your head and saying, "I don't do that shit, so this ain't about me," you are right. This shit ain't about you. But you better not be the other kind of liar; the worst one yet: The Relationship Faker. Those are my absolute favorite. I just rolled my eyes so hard reading about one person's undying love for another I think I pulled an eye muscle, because I know that couple and I know they would shank each other faster than two fuckers fighting over a menthol cigarette in prison if they didn't have kids, two mortgages and getting divorced wasn't going to cost more than staying together. But on good ol 'Book they are more in love today than when they met.
This just in: FUCK. THAT. NOISE.
Now, I am not hating on love. Far from it. I LOVE, love. I love people in love and all that romantical and sexical shit, because that is the best shit out there. Can I get an Amen?
What I can't stand is motherfuckers who profess their love and devotion for each other all up and down Facebook, but behind closed doors want to throat punch a motherfucker every chance they get. When I see an, "Oh, my babe is the best and I love them to death," but know you make your babe sleep on the couch and wouldn't fuck him with H-Bombs snatch and Flo-Rich pushing, I almost piss my pants from laughing. It almost makes me look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, "Self, what the fuck just happened and did my homie just start acting lessons? Because this motherfucker just won an Academy Award, yo."
YOLO this, bitch. The older I get, the more I can see the bullshit from the real shit. I think that goes for most of us, too. We all know what the fuck is up, so people need to quit trying to "Fake it til' they make it" and keep shit real. That's how we do here.
Reality. It's not just for television anymore.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
22 Types Of People We Hate On Facebook
Facebook is the biggest Social Network in the goddamn galaxy. And if you were to ask a million people, "What do you like about Facebook?" A million people would probably say, "Reconnecting with friends and creating new ones." That's a no-brainer. Now asks those same million people, "What do you hate about Facebook?" Shit man, there would be a list. A fucking long one. Lucky for you, I'm here to share that long list. So grab your coffee, cocktail or line of cocaine, because J-Wunder is gonna break down 22 Types Of People We Hate On Facebook.
1) The Whiner: They bitch, they complain, about everything...and it's annoying as fuck. Everyday, every fucking hour, these people cry about something: "I broke a nail," "My tummy hurts," "I have to work overtime," "I've given up on love," blah, blah, blah. Here's a thought...SHUT THE FUCK UP! Your whining and complaining about every goddamn thing is fucking up my universe, even worse, my news feed. Hey "Pet Lover," I'm sorry your fucking cat squiggles ate rabbit shit and now has to go to the vet and you're now $500 out of pocket. And "Lover Boy," I'm sorry your ass can't keep a stable fucking relationship going. Did you ever think that women don't want to be with you because you sound like a little bitch sometimes?
I'm sorry people, I really am. But for fucks sake, do you really need to let the world know everything? Go fuck something so you can smile for once. Shit dude.
2) The Ailing: "My back hurts sooo bad today," "I have another headache," "I'm sick, AGAIN and I think I might die." I see these posts everyday from the same fucking people. Every.Fucking.Day. Guess what, motherfuckers? My back hurts too and I haven't taken a shit in three fucking days. Am I writing about it? Fuck no I'm not. How bout instead of talking about your ailments, you go see a fucking doctor. I mean, how the fuck are you sick every week? Do you have AIDS, motherfucker? You've been sick for a fucking year straight and you look like you're the goddamn walking dead. Oh, and the headaches...the daily fucking headaches. Here's a good solution: drink a nice warm glass of "shut the fuck up" because you're giving me a fucking headache now. Asshole.
3) Terry Tough Guy: These clowns are so big and bad. They post status updates like they're in a fight every fucking hour and are mad at the world. Then they get 20 comments from friends that try to act tough too, like some shit is about to go down, right there on Facebook. Drive-bys have now gone virtual.
Question...does your illiteracy make you tougher? Seriously. You look like a fucking idiot when you type a status with spelling errors and words that sound like a fucking baby's speaking. Just because you got in a fight in 6th grade doesn't make you big and bad, ass clown. Oh, and the 10 tats and tank tops don't make you buff either so enough with the chest puffing shots on your fucking profile pics.
4) The Hypocrite: "God is great," "Everyone praise God and be good to him without sin." That's right. I'm about to talk about these religious followers that preach his name. These hypocrites. You know, these people that put statuses up about how great the Lord and his Savior is, but then post something 10 minutes later how they're gonna get "fucked up tonight with my girls...whoooo hoooo!!! Maybe I'll get lucky with a hot guy!!!!" What the fuck is that about? You're gonna make it sound like you're this fucking saint because you posts some biblical shit twice a day and 10 minutes later, you're excited about getting trashed while taking mobile pics of you looking like a fucking slut? Please. I'm Catholic and I have no shame being one. But do you know the shit I would get from every single person if I posted Romans 1:17 on my status then posted an hour later, "Vegas baby! Time to get fucked up with the boys and see some strippers!!!!"? Exactly. Not only would my sorry ass burn at the fucking stake but I would be looked at as a poser. That's what these people are. Real talk. If you're gonna preach some shit and at the same time, act like a goddamn whore on FB, be prepared to get put on blast. Not by me, but by everyone around you. They might not say that shit to your face, but trust me, they're saying shit.
5) The App Lover: Two words: Fuck You. Farmville, Fuckville, Dickville, Pigville, Pokemon Go Fuck Yourself...whatever. Give it the fuck up people. Please. I will pay all you motherfuckers if you stop sending me request. I don't give a shit about your motherfucking crops. I hope they all die. I don't want to babysit your fucking virtual pig. I hope he dies too. What is it with you guys and these fucking games? Are you that bored? Get a job. If you have one, get a fucking second one. If you already have two jobs, then go jump off a fucking building because your work productivity at these places is very fucking low. If you don't want to jump off a building, then shoot yourself in the head. If you don't want to do that, then become a pimp or a prostitute. Go fuck something. Go suck something. Whatever it is, stop playing this shit. It ain't fucking real. It's a make believe fucking farm and you are being sucked into believing that this shit is real. Get a fucking life. Pllllleeeeaaaassssse!!!!!!!
6) The Check-in: Three words: Fuck You Too. This isn't a bash on those that don't abuse this application. This is a bash on you fucking slap dicks that check-in everywhere. "Todd has checked in at Subway." 10 minutes later..."Todd has checked in at AMC Theaters." 2 hours later..."Todd has checked in at Dr. Smith's Dental Office." 1 hour later..."Todd has checked in at the Union Square Hotel." Hey Todd, how bout I check my foot in your fucking ass. Dick. Why guys? Why do you like to fuck with the rest of us and check in everywhere? Everywhere! My thought is, if you ain't hanging out with me mother fucker, why the fuck do I care where you are? Do you want to feel that fucking important? Are you trying to get attention from a certain someone? Two things: 1) Check that phone up your ass, 2) I hope you get hit by a car on your way to checking in at the goddamn bus stop.
7) The Sexy Pic Taker: Why do teenagers, men and women do this? Why? I don't have this amazing body. Hell, I don't even have a fucking six pack...although I'd drink one to the dome. Men think they are fucking cool when they have 80 pics of them shirtless. A few pics, ok. 80, go fuck yourself buddy. You ain't that tight and you probably have a little dick. Maybe the girl that's sucking your cock thinks you are, but don't flatter yourself. Enough with the narcissism. Put on a shirt and ignore those friend request from those chicks in Junior High.
Ladies, what up with your broke ass modeling/bikini pics? You know who you are. I'm talking about you ladies that think you're gods gift to women. You're hot. Point taken. But like the shirtless slap dicks, don't flatter yourself. Unless you're a real model, the only fans you'll get are stalkers and dudes that look at your pics in the bathroom while jerking off in the fucking sink. A few are cool but when you put up, I don't know, say 100, we know what you want is attention. A lot of it.
8) The YouTuber: It’s because of you motherfuckers that I’m starting to hate YouTube now. Post after post, you can’t get enough can you? Everything from some song that reminded you of that “Bad ass time in Cabo,” to the cutest video of kittens playing with a German Sheppard, you people are ruining my goddamn life. A few videos – cool. 10 in a row? Go fuck yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of music you like. If I wanted to know that information, I would go to your fucking Info page. Don’t you have an IPod or Walkman? I get that MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore but you are taking this shit to a whole new level my friend. Simmer that shit down before someone gets a dead fucking rabbit on their doorstep.
9) The Liker: You share 362 Mutual Friends with the person I like to call “The Liker.” Out of those 362 friends you share, this person goes to each of those persons profile pages and “Likes” something. I'm not fucking joking. It doesn’t matter if they have no fucking clue what your mutual friend posts on their page, “The Liker” will hit that goddamn “Like” button. Your status could be “Yes, it was all worth it!” and sure enough, there’s that motherfucker, hitting that “Like” button again. Why is that bad you ask? Considering these two people haven’t spoken or seen each other since 3rd fucking grade and are both now 28, that shit is fucking borderline stalkerish. They have no fucking clue what someone’s status is about and they are hitting the “Like” button? Who does that? The better question to ask yourself is, who does that to every single friend they have on Facebook? Don't you have anything better to do with your fucking time? Jobs are nice. Go fucking get one. Jesus.
10) The Facebook Lifer: This kinda worked out, didn't it...we went from the piece of shit that "Likes" everything, to the motherfucker that "Likes" everything and more. Ladies and gents, The Facebook Lifer. Take everything you could possibly hate about Facebook and this is what you have. I'm talking about shit like Farmville, that bullshit "sending hugs" application, "Likes," comments, Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, YouTube clips...I mean, I could go on for fucking ever. The Facebook Lifer has no life. They sure as hell don't have a fucking job...I can tell you that much. People ask me, "J-Wunder, how the hell do you posts on your blog everyday?" You serious right now? Motherfucker, what you should be asking yourself is, "How have I sent out 18 different game requests, posted 10 video clips, changed my status update 13 times in a matter of 3 hours?" Don't worry about what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not the one with problems ass fuck. I get that people are addicted to Facebook but for crying out loud, when I look at my News Feed and notice for the entire first page what YOU did all day, that blows my goddamn mind. While the working class is trying to earn a dollar, you're there at home, butt ass naked, eating goddamn Cheetoh's, on your computer playing on goddamn Facebook again. All fucking day long!!!!! Do yourself a huge favor and go seek help. I'm sure your friends would not only appreciate this shit but they would probably all chip in $3 for the cause. Jack ass.
11) The Countdowner: I know people tend to get all excited about certain things. When we do, we sometimes post a countdown. For example, "10 more days til Vegas!!! Can't wait!" Or, "3 more days til surgery...gonna be in pain but having 34D's will be worth it." No big deal, right? For some shit like this, no big deal at all. But when you just got engaged, finally set your wedding date, and it is 365 days away, and you decide to post a countdown from that day on...we have a serious problem fucker. A tiny countdown - Cheers to that. A countdown, every day for a whole year - I HOPE YOU DIE. What the fuck would make these people do such a thing? "365 days til I'm married to the man of my dreams!!!" "364 days til I'm Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith." "363 days til I get to be with my one true love." Fuck bitch - SHUT THE FUCK UP AND NEVER SPEAK OF YOUR WEDDING DAY AGAIN!!!!!! Congrats that you're getting hitched. But you know what, future Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith-Rosenthal-Cameron III? I hope your fiance fucks a prostitute and gets AIDS. Spare all of us the multiple Status Updates we could care less about. Half of us didn't even know you were getting married let alone who your goddamn fiance was. By the looks of it, he seems like a total slap dick. Good luck and seriously...shut the fuck up about the countdown to your special day. I hope you two get hit by a lightening bolt.
12) The Partier: You like to party, I like to party. But no one likes to party like the "Hardcore Partiers"!!! For some reason, these interesting group of characters love to posts shit on how much they LOVE to par-tay! Through status updates or even pictures. For that, I applaud you. I give you props for letting all of us friends here on Facebook know how much of a fucking whore bag you are before you even put that first drink in your mouth. Seriously...kudos to you. It's amazing to see you in every single picture at the club hanging out with other whores and douche bags that try to look like they are all about the Benjamins. I mean, table service at a club in Stockton is pretty big time if you ask me. It's not Jay-Z's 40/40 club in NYC, but it sure as hell a close second. Hey, was that a picture of you and P-Diddy at Stockton's famous Aurora Club? Oh, my bad...that was just a look-alike. Thanks for trying to fool us though you important party person you. Two thumbs up you fucking idiot.
13) The Newscaster: I watch the news. I read shit on-line. I'm pretty aware of what is going on in MY world and the shit I need to be concerned about. So why the fuck would I need you to post news coverage every goddamn hour? Are you Facebook's new on-line fucking news anchor, you broke ass Tom Brokaw? I don't give a shit about the cows in Russia. The cows I eat are from some goddamn ranch in California. Snow storm in New England? What the fuck does that have to do with me or the 100 Mutual Friends we have? The closest thing to a snow storm here, is that bum that's about to ejaculate on that European tourist standing 20 feet from me. Dude, quick ruining my day about shit no one cares about. I accepted your friend request, don't ruin a good thing.
14) Dr. Phil: Your ass got dumped via text message. It was a slap in the face and you hit rock bottom. Drinking, drugs, attempts of suicide...life sucked. 5 interventions, 10 stints of rehab...you finally made it through. Life is awesome. Now all of the sudden, you're a fucking goddamn expert on everthing. Just because you went through some shit, you think you have the solution to all your friends problems. A friend could post on their status that their dog died and your "professional" advice to them somehow relates to a time you ended up in jail because you were caught giving a blow job to some transient in an alley. It makes no fucking sense but you offer advice because you have "been through some shit." Well I've been through some shit too but you don't see me offering encouraging words on how I got through ACL surgery to a friend that just had a goddamn miscarriage. How the fuck can you try to offer insight on an experience you never went through you dumb fuck?! These clown have one life changing experience and all of the sudden they know everything. Man, for fuck's sake, go ride a bike and never get off it. Asshole.
15) Shakespeare: "To be or not to be, that is the question..." I hate these mother fuckers. I take that back. I hate these motherfuckers that do this shit daily. I'm talking about friends that post some famous quote a majority of them don't even know what it means. Why do they do that? Do they want to sound intellectual or something? News flash oh noble fuck faces: Trying to post some shit that someone wrote, doesn't dismiss the fact that you're still a fucking idiot that doesn't know how to do long division. Whatever the underlying reason is for you posting daily "words of wisdom," fuck off. This isn't 16th century literature and I'm not wearing a fucking feather in my cap. Oh, and for you people that "Like" these famous quotes, ask yourself two things: 1) Are you gay, 2) Where did your education level cap off at? Don't be as dumb as the next person. Seriously.
16) The Relationship-er: The person who dedicates their posts to the one they love. "Baby, you're the most incredible person on this earth...and the absolute love of my life."
Four words: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Insert a fifth: PLEASE.
Showing a little love once in a while is ok. But when you constantly need to posts some bullshit about how amazing your man or woman is, over and over and over again, shit needs to fucking stop. Like, immediately mother fucker. I have a grand idea, the time and effort that it just took your ass to write 480 characters on your status update, you should have been telling your man or woman this directly. Then proceed to perform oral sex, to let them know how fucking awesome they are and that you love them for eternity. For fuck's sake, stop trying to spread this shit like the goddamn gospel. What are you exactly trying to get from this? Jealousy from others? If you are, then you're a fucking dip shit. Every time your friends see this, they either:
1) Hope your amazing lover cheats on you.
2) They dump you because listening to you talk about this shit every day is killing them.
3) One of you dies very slowly. You would think others would be soooo happy for you, but they're not.
They are annoyed. Even more so that you're happy with a person they probably had sex with back in high school.
17) The Hypochondriac: The person who always talks about how they're dying of something. "This lump in my lymph node is getting so big - I must have cancer." If that's the case, I hope you fucking die because while you keep talking about it, the shit ain't gonna heal itself, asshole. This reminds me of "The Ailing" that I described in Part II of this series and to be quite honest, I'm not sure which one of you are more fucking annoying. You both can't shut the fuck up...ever. No one on Facebook that you know is a fucking doctor. You wanna know how I know? Because what fucking doctor has time to be on goddamn Facebook?!
We get that you have something and could possibly be dying, but I'm not Doogie fucking Houser and this ain't General Hospital. If you're shitting blood, I'm pretty sure you might be dying. Don't think for a goddamn second that some friend on FB is going to call 911 for you. If you can describe in detail what might be wrong with you, go see your doctor, dick fuck. The friends that respond to your posts with magical "remedies" are dumb asses. They probably have a education level of Continuation High School and a semester of Junior College. Just because they took human anatomy doesn't mean they can perform open heart fucking surgery. If this portion of my tirade has offended anybody, two words...<insert here="">.
18) The Give-me-attention-er: The person who always posts about how something is wrong in their life, "OMG, I'm praying to God it's not what the Doctor's are thinking it is." - and make 400 people ask them what's wrong, and then never answer. Why do you motherfuckers always do this? Leave everyone on the edge of their seat so you can rack up 45 comments and not answer one of them. And what about people that "Like" these statuses? Hey fuck face, do you know what the hell you are even "liking"? What am I saying, you bastards "like" everything, even if someone announces they are dying. Anyway, everything you posts is always open-ended. It's like you are trying to give us fucking riddles to a goddamn treasure of fucking gold or something. Why? Why leave the world hanging asshole? Do you realize when you posts shit like this, everyone starts sending you positive quotes, prayers and their own life experiences? All of which have no connection to when you finally get the news that what you have is a yeast infection. Yeah, your vagina is basically tainted with the shit that makes bread rise. Congrats.
19) The Bad Grammarian: "So sad about Leslie nielson dieing but im so happyy its friday yippe". Yes, I realize punctuation rules are a bit different in the digital world, but you sound like an ass clown. (Side note: Is this too controversial given half my family and friends are guilty of this??) Sure it is, but you know what? I don't give a shit. My job is not to play favorites. My job is to speak the truth. And that truth is that motherfuckers need to learn how to spell and sound educated. If you had 900 friends on Facebook, I can almost bet that 200 spell like a goddamn 3rd grader. They make absolutely no fucking sense and start creating words that basically tell society they are either 1) Fucking retarded or 2) Legally blind.
If you want to shortcut words, do that shit in a goddamn text message. Why do you need to sound like a person with a lisp every goddamn status post you write? 480 characters isn't long enough for you? Here's a solution for ya...One word: Email. Reading your status updates give me a fucking headache and I feel like I'm reading Japanese for fuck's sake. Either correct your fucking grammatical errors or hire a damn tutor to help your ass spell. kn u dg iiiiiiittttt?! (See what the fuck does this even say?)
20) The TMI-er: "Heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Wait what? Do boundaries not exist here? You're unabashedly offering up details that make others want to gouge their eyes out. Thanks for sharing, fucker. I don't care if it's as simple as buying foot creme for your athlete's foot, some of you people need to realize that the shit you post is over the top, disgusting and you should get your ass kicked for it.
Don't try to reason that what you're posting is "part of life" or that "you just don't give a fuck". You know why three people posts on your FB page only? Because they are as fucked up as you are. I may be talking about some personal shit but that's why I have a blog. For the love of God, ain't no one trying to hear some shit about the things going on with your asshole right now. Whatever you got on your mouth, I'm sure you'll be ok. No need to convince the world that you really don't have herpes. Do you think anyone would have assumed anything if you hadn't posted a goddamn mobile pic and posted a whole paragraph about it? No, fucker. You could have moved on with your life, and experienced those herpes by yourself. Now, every time I see you, I have to examine your lip and make sure whatever you're drinking, I don't mistake it for my drink. I really hope we never crossed paths with the same girl.
Your TMI posts make me second guess our friendship and quite frankly, your sanity.
21) The Play-by-Player: These awesome individuals need to tell the Facebook world every fucking detail of their life. You know what I'm talking about too folks..."Heading to the airport, about to start my vacay!" "At security...this sucks." "Got 2 hours to kill, time for a drink." This shit goes on for hours on end. You bastards are as bad as those mother fuckers that "check-in" EVERYWHERE. Look, just because you may think you're busy, doesn't mean you have to let all of your goddamn friends know. Why don't you just mount a fucking web cam to your chest so we can get a fucking visual too. I like you, but I ain't trying to get a "day in the life" with your ass. It's bad enough when I see you, you relive what the fuck I read on my News Feed over again. Find a hobby or make a new fucking friend. I'll help you if I have to. Please just stop with all the daily bullshit. I'm not just speaking for myself, I'm speaking for the 100 other friends that really fucking hate your ass right now. Oh, and you think that it's funny that you do this daily, it's not. It's fucking annoying and if you keep this shit up, mother fuckers are gonna start throwing shit at your car. Asshole.
22) The Special Characters Post-er: These people are my favorite. You wanna know why? Because for some really odd fucking reason, every other day they think posting some shit made out of lines, arrows and other fucking characters is cute. Amuse me people...how long did that fucking shit really take you to type out? Seriously. I know you type 120wpm but for fuck's sake, what drives you to do this? Are you that bored that you have to dedicate that much time to your status updates? Half that shit I see makes no sense any way. Sure, you may think the 40 minutes you spent on your status update looks like an awesome house with a heart in the middle. But to me, it looks like someone just took a shit on my computer screen. Please make better use of your time. I don't want to add you in that same category as those people that are obsessed with Farmville and those other fucked up games. I know you've gotten laid before. Go find something to play with because this shit is not as cool as you think. If you think you're so goddamn creative, draw me the Mona Lisa on an Etch-A-Sketch, motherfucker. Seriously...stop with the character post bullshit. It gives me a goddamn headache just thinking about it.
1) The Whiner: They bitch, they complain, about everything...and it's annoying as fuck. Everyday, every fucking hour, these people cry about something: "I broke a nail," "My tummy hurts," "I have to work overtime," "I've given up on love," blah, blah, blah. Here's a thought...SHUT THE FUCK UP! Your whining and complaining about every goddamn thing is fucking up my universe, even worse, my news feed. Hey "Pet Lover," I'm sorry your fucking cat squiggles ate rabbit shit and now has to go to the vet and you're now $500 out of pocket. And "Lover Boy," I'm sorry your ass can't keep a stable fucking relationship going. Did you ever think that women don't want to be with you because you sound like a little bitch sometimes?
I'm sorry people, I really am. But for fucks sake, do you really need to let the world know everything? Go fuck something so you can smile for once. Shit dude.
2) The Ailing: "My back hurts sooo bad today," "I have another headache," "I'm sick, AGAIN and I think I might die." I see these posts everyday from the same fucking people. Every.Fucking.Day. Guess what, motherfuckers? My back hurts too and I haven't taken a shit in three fucking days. Am I writing about it? Fuck no I'm not. How bout instead of talking about your ailments, you go see a fucking doctor. I mean, how the fuck are you sick every week? Do you have AIDS, motherfucker? You've been sick for a fucking year straight and you look like you're the goddamn walking dead. Oh, and the headaches...the daily fucking headaches. Here's a good solution: drink a nice warm glass of "shut the fuck up" because you're giving me a fucking headache now. Asshole.
3) Terry Tough Guy: These clowns are so big and bad. They post status updates like they're in a fight every fucking hour and are mad at the world. Then they get 20 comments from friends that try to act tough too, like some shit is about to go down, right there on Facebook. Drive-bys have now gone virtual.
Question...does your illiteracy make you tougher? Seriously. You look like a fucking idiot when you type a status with spelling errors and words that sound like a fucking baby's speaking. Just because you got in a fight in 6th grade doesn't make you big and bad, ass clown. Oh, and the 10 tats and tank tops don't make you buff either so enough with the chest puffing shots on your fucking profile pics.
4) The Hypocrite: "God is great," "Everyone praise God and be good to him without sin." That's right. I'm about to talk about these religious followers that preach his name. These hypocrites. You know, these people that put statuses up about how great the Lord and his Savior is, but then post something 10 minutes later how they're gonna get "fucked up tonight with my girls...whoooo hoooo!!! Maybe I'll get lucky with a hot guy!!!!" What the fuck is that about? You're gonna make it sound like you're this fucking saint because you posts some biblical shit twice a day and 10 minutes later, you're excited about getting trashed while taking mobile pics of you looking like a fucking slut? Please. I'm Catholic and I have no shame being one. But do you know the shit I would get from every single person if I posted Romans 1:17 on my status then posted an hour later, "Vegas baby! Time to get fucked up with the boys and see some strippers!!!!"? Exactly. Not only would my sorry ass burn at the fucking stake but I would be looked at as a poser. That's what these people are. Real talk. If you're gonna preach some shit and at the same time, act like a goddamn whore on FB, be prepared to get put on blast. Not by me, but by everyone around you. They might not say that shit to your face, but trust me, they're saying shit.
5) The App Lover: Two words: Fuck You. Farmville, Fuckville, Dickville, Pigville, Pokemon Go Fuck Yourself...whatever. Give it the fuck up people. Please. I will pay all you motherfuckers if you stop sending me request. I don't give a shit about your motherfucking crops. I hope they all die. I don't want to babysit your fucking virtual pig. I hope he dies too. What is it with you guys and these fucking games? Are you that bored? Get a job. If you have one, get a fucking second one. If you already have two jobs, then go jump off a fucking building because your work productivity at these places is very fucking low. If you don't want to jump off a building, then shoot yourself in the head. If you don't want to do that, then become a pimp or a prostitute. Go fuck something. Go suck something. Whatever it is, stop playing this shit. It ain't fucking real. It's a make believe fucking farm and you are being sucked into believing that this shit is real. Get a fucking life. Pllllleeeeaaaassssse!!!!!!!
6) The Check-in: Three words: Fuck You Too. This isn't a bash on those that don't abuse this application. This is a bash on you fucking slap dicks that check-in everywhere. "Todd has checked in at Subway." 10 minutes later..."Todd has checked in at AMC Theaters." 2 hours later..."Todd has checked in at Dr. Smith's Dental Office." 1 hour later..."Todd has checked in at the Union Square Hotel." Hey Todd, how bout I check my foot in your fucking ass. Dick. Why guys? Why do you like to fuck with the rest of us and check in everywhere? Everywhere! My thought is, if you ain't hanging out with me mother fucker, why the fuck do I care where you are? Do you want to feel that fucking important? Are you trying to get attention from a certain someone? Two things: 1) Check that phone up your ass, 2) I hope you get hit by a car on your way to checking in at the goddamn bus stop.
7) The Sexy Pic Taker: Why do teenagers, men and women do this? Why? I don't have this amazing body. Hell, I don't even have a fucking six pack...although I'd drink one to the dome. Men think they are fucking cool when they have 80 pics of them shirtless. A few pics, ok. 80, go fuck yourself buddy. You ain't that tight and you probably have a little dick. Maybe the girl that's sucking your cock thinks you are, but don't flatter yourself. Enough with the narcissism. Put on a shirt and ignore those friend request from those chicks in Junior High.
Ladies, what up with your broke ass modeling/bikini pics? You know who you are. I'm talking about you ladies that think you're gods gift to women. You're hot. Point taken. But like the shirtless slap dicks, don't flatter yourself. Unless you're a real model, the only fans you'll get are stalkers and dudes that look at your pics in the bathroom while jerking off in the fucking sink. A few are cool but when you put up, I don't know, say 100, we know what you want is attention. A lot of it.
8) The YouTuber: It’s because of you motherfuckers that I’m starting to hate YouTube now. Post after post, you can’t get enough can you? Everything from some song that reminded you of that “Bad ass time in Cabo,” to the cutest video of kittens playing with a German Sheppard, you people are ruining my goddamn life. A few videos – cool. 10 in a row? Go fuck yourself. I don’t give a shit what kind of music you like. If I wanted to know that information, I would go to your fucking Info page. Don’t you have an IPod or Walkman? I get that MTV doesn’t play music videos anymore but you are taking this shit to a whole new level my friend. Simmer that shit down before someone gets a dead fucking rabbit on their doorstep.
9) The Liker: You share 362 Mutual Friends with the person I like to call “The Liker.” Out of those 362 friends you share, this person goes to each of those persons profile pages and “Likes” something. I'm not fucking joking. It doesn’t matter if they have no fucking clue what your mutual friend posts on their page, “The Liker” will hit that goddamn “Like” button. Your status could be “Yes, it was all worth it!” and sure enough, there’s that motherfucker, hitting that “Like” button again. Why is that bad you ask? Considering these two people haven’t spoken or seen each other since 3rd fucking grade and are both now 28, that shit is fucking borderline stalkerish. They have no fucking clue what someone’s status is about and they are hitting the “Like” button? Who does that? The better question to ask yourself is, who does that to every single friend they have on Facebook? Don't you have anything better to do with your fucking time? Jobs are nice. Go fucking get one. Jesus.
10) The Facebook Lifer: This kinda worked out, didn't it...we went from the piece of shit that "Likes" everything, to the motherfucker that "Likes" everything and more. Ladies and gents, The Facebook Lifer. Take everything you could possibly hate about Facebook and this is what you have. I'm talking about shit like Farmville, that bullshit "sending hugs" application, "Likes," comments, Fortune Cookies, Horoscopes, YouTube clips...I mean, I could go on for fucking ever. The Facebook Lifer has no life. They sure as hell don't have a fucking job...I can tell you that much. People ask me, "J-Wunder, how the hell do you posts on your blog everyday?" You serious right now? Motherfucker, what you should be asking yourself is, "How have I sent out 18 different game requests, posted 10 video clips, changed my status update 13 times in a matter of 3 hours?" Don't worry about what the fuck I'm doing. I'm not the one with problems ass fuck. I get that people are addicted to Facebook but for crying out loud, when I look at my News Feed and notice for the entire first page what YOU did all day, that blows my goddamn mind. While the working class is trying to earn a dollar, you're there at home, butt ass naked, eating goddamn Cheetoh's, on your computer playing on goddamn Facebook again. All fucking day long!!!!! Do yourself a huge favor and go seek help. I'm sure your friends would not only appreciate this shit but they would probably all chip in $3 for the cause. Jack ass.
11) The Countdowner: I know people tend to get all excited about certain things. When we do, we sometimes post a countdown. For example, "10 more days til Vegas!!! Can't wait!" Or, "3 more days til surgery...gonna be in pain but having 34D's will be worth it." No big deal, right? For some shit like this, no big deal at all. But when you just got engaged, finally set your wedding date, and it is 365 days away, and you decide to post a countdown from that day on...we have a serious problem fucker. A tiny countdown - Cheers to that. A countdown, every day for a whole year - I HOPE YOU DIE. What the fuck would make these people do such a thing? "365 days til I'm married to the man of my dreams!!!" "364 days til I'm Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith." "363 days til I get to be with my one true love." Fuck bitch - SHUT THE FUCK UP AND NEVER SPEAK OF YOUR WEDDING DAY AGAIN!!!!!! Congrats that you're getting hitched. But you know what, future Mrs. Jane Johnson-Smith-Rosenthal-Cameron III? I hope your fiance fucks a prostitute and gets AIDS. Spare all of us the multiple Status Updates we could care less about. Half of us didn't even know you were getting married let alone who your goddamn fiance was. By the looks of it, he seems like a total slap dick. Good luck and seriously...shut the fuck up about the countdown to your special day. I hope you two get hit by a lightening bolt.
12) The Partier: You like to party, I like to party. But no one likes to party like the "Hardcore Partiers"!!! For some reason, these interesting group of characters love to posts shit on how much they LOVE to par-tay! Through status updates or even pictures. For that, I applaud you. I give you props for letting all of us friends here on Facebook know how much of a fucking whore bag you are before you even put that first drink in your mouth. Seriously...kudos to you. It's amazing to see you in every single picture at the club hanging out with other whores and douche bags that try to look like they are all about the Benjamins. I mean, table service at a club in Stockton is pretty big time if you ask me. It's not Jay-Z's 40/40 club in NYC, but it sure as hell a close second. Hey, was that a picture of you and P-Diddy at Stockton's famous Aurora Club? Oh, my bad...that was just a look-alike. Thanks for trying to fool us though you important party person you. Two thumbs up you fucking idiot.
13) The Newscaster: I watch the news. I read shit on-line. I'm pretty aware of what is going on in MY world and the shit I need to be concerned about. So why the fuck would I need you to post news coverage every goddamn hour? Are you Facebook's new on-line fucking news anchor, you broke ass Tom Brokaw? I don't give a shit about the cows in Russia. The cows I eat are from some goddamn ranch in California. Snow storm in New England? What the fuck does that have to do with me or the 100 Mutual Friends we have? The closest thing to a snow storm here, is that bum that's about to ejaculate on that European tourist standing 20 feet from me. Dude, quick ruining my day about shit no one cares about. I accepted your friend request, don't ruin a good thing.
14) Dr. Phil: Your ass got dumped via text message. It was a slap in the face and you hit rock bottom. Drinking, drugs, attempts of suicide...life sucked. 5 interventions, 10 stints of rehab...you finally made it through. Life is awesome. Now all of the sudden, you're a fucking goddamn expert on everthing. Just because you went through some shit, you think you have the solution to all your friends problems. A friend could post on their status that their dog died and your "professional" advice to them somehow relates to a time you ended up in jail because you were caught giving a blow job to some transient in an alley. It makes no fucking sense but you offer advice because you have "been through some shit." Well I've been through some shit too but you don't see me offering encouraging words on how I got through ACL surgery to a friend that just had a goddamn miscarriage. How the fuck can you try to offer insight on an experience you never went through you dumb fuck?! These clown have one life changing experience and all of the sudden they know everything. Man, for fuck's sake, go ride a bike and never get off it. Asshole.
15) Shakespeare: "To be or not to be, that is the question..." I hate these mother fuckers. I take that back. I hate these motherfuckers that do this shit daily. I'm talking about friends that post some famous quote a majority of them don't even know what it means. Why do they do that? Do they want to sound intellectual or something? News flash oh noble fuck faces: Trying to post some shit that someone wrote, doesn't dismiss the fact that you're still a fucking idiot that doesn't know how to do long division. Whatever the underlying reason is for you posting daily "words of wisdom," fuck off. This isn't 16th century literature and I'm not wearing a fucking feather in my cap. Oh, and for you people that "Like" these famous quotes, ask yourself two things: 1) Are you gay, 2) Where did your education level cap off at? Don't be as dumb as the next person. Seriously.
16) The Relationship-er: The person who dedicates their posts to the one they love. "Baby, you're the most incredible person on this earth...and the absolute love of my life."
Four words: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Insert a fifth: PLEASE.
Showing a little love once in a while is ok. But when you constantly need to posts some bullshit about how amazing your man or woman is, over and over and over again, shit needs to fucking stop. Like, immediately mother fucker. I have a grand idea, the time and effort that it just took your ass to write 480 characters on your status update, you should have been telling your man or woman this directly. Then proceed to perform oral sex, to let them know how fucking awesome they are and that you love them for eternity. For fuck's sake, stop trying to spread this shit like the goddamn gospel. What are you exactly trying to get from this? Jealousy from others? If you are, then you're a fucking dip shit. Every time your friends see this, they either:
1) Hope your amazing lover cheats on you.
2) They dump you because listening to you talk about this shit every day is killing them.
3) One of you dies very slowly. You would think others would be soooo happy for you, but they're not.
They are annoyed. Even more so that you're happy with a person they probably had sex with back in high school.
17) The Hypochondriac: The person who always talks about how they're dying of something. "This lump in my lymph node is getting so big - I must have cancer." If that's the case, I hope you fucking die because while you keep talking about it, the shit ain't gonna heal itself, asshole. This reminds me of "The Ailing" that I described in Part II of this series and to be quite honest, I'm not sure which one of you are more fucking annoying. You both can't shut the fuck up...ever. No one on Facebook that you know is a fucking doctor. You wanna know how I know? Because what fucking doctor has time to be on goddamn Facebook?!
We get that you have something and could possibly be dying, but I'm not Doogie fucking Houser and this ain't General Hospital. If you're shitting blood, I'm pretty sure you might be dying. Don't think for a goddamn second that some friend on FB is going to call 911 for you. If you can describe in detail what might be wrong with you, go see your doctor, dick fuck. The friends that respond to your posts with magical "remedies" are dumb asses. They probably have a education level of Continuation High School and a semester of Junior College. Just because they took human anatomy doesn't mean they can perform open heart fucking surgery. If this portion of my tirade has offended anybody, two words...<insert here="">.
18) The Give-me-attention-er: The person who always posts about how something is wrong in their life, "OMG, I'm praying to God it's not what the Doctor's are thinking it is." - and make 400 people ask them what's wrong, and then never answer. Why do you motherfuckers always do this? Leave everyone on the edge of their seat so you can rack up 45 comments and not answer one of them. And what about people that "Like" these statuses? Hey fuck face, do you know what the hell you are even "liking"? What am I saying, you bastards "like" everything, even if someone announces they are dying. Anyway, everything you posts is always open-ended. It's like you are trying to give us fucking riddles to a goddamn treasure of fucking gold or something. Why? Why leave the world hanging asshole? Do you realize when you posts shit like this, everyone starts sending you positive quotes, prayers and their own life experiences? All of which have no connection to when you finally get the news that what you have is a yeast infection. Yeah, your vagina is basically tainted with the shit that makes bread rise. Congrats.
19) The Bad Grammarian: "So sad about Leslie nielson dieing but im so happyy its friday yippe". Yes, I realize punctuation rules are a bit different in the digital world, but you sound like an ass clown. (Side note: Is this too controversial given half my family and friends are guilty of this??) Sure it is, but you know what? I don't give a shit. My job is not to play favorites. My job is to speak the truth. And that truth is that motherfuckers need to learn how to spell and sound educated. If you had 900 friends on Facebook, I can almost bet that 200 spell like a goddamn 3rd grader. They make absolutely no fucking sense and start creating words that basically tell society they are either 1) Fucking retarded or 2) Legally blind.
If you want to shortcut words, do that shit in a goddamn text message. Why do you need to sound like a person with a lisp every goddamn status post you write? 480 characters isn't long enough for you? Here's a solution for ya...One word: Email. Reading your status updates give me a fucking headache and I feel like I'm reading Japanese for fuck's sake. Either correct your fucking grammatical errors or hire a damn tutor to help your ass spell. kn u dg iiiiiiittttt?! (See what the fuck does this even say?)
20) The TMI-er: "Heading to Walgreens to buy something for these pesky hemorrhoids." Wait what? Do boundaries not exist here? You're unabashedly offering up details that make others want to gouge their eyes out. Thanks for sharing, fucker. I don't care if it's as simple as buying foot creme for your athlete's foot, some of you people need to realize that the shit you post is over the top, disgusting and you should get your ass kicked for it.
Don't try to reason that what you're posting is "part of life" or that "you just don't give a fuck". You know why three people posts on your FB page only? Because they are as fucked up as you are. I may be talking about some personal shit but that's why I have a blog. For the love of God, ain't no one trying to hear some shit about the things going on with your asshole right now. Whatever you got on your mouth, I'm sure you'll be ok. No need to convince the world that you really don't have herpes. Do you think anyone would have assumed anything if you hadn't posted a goddamn mobile pic and posted a whole paragraph about it? No, fucker. You could have moved on with your life, and experienced those herpes by yourself. Now, every time I see you, I have to examine your lip and make sure whatever you're drinking, I don't mistake it for my drink. I really hope we never crossed paths with the same girl.
Your TMI posts make me second guess our friendship and quite frankly, your sanity.
21) The Play-by-Player: These awesome individuals need to tell the Facebook world every fucking detail of their life. You know what I'm talking about too folks..."Heading to the airport, about to start my vacay!" "At security...this sucks." "Got 2 hours to kill, time for a drink." This shit goes on for hours on end. You bastards are as bad as those mother fuckers that "check-in" EVERYWHERE. Look, just because you may think you're busy, doesn't mean you have to let all of your goddamn friends know. Why don't you just mount a fucking web cam to your chest so we can get a fucking visual too. I like you, but I ain't trying to get a "day in the life" with your ass. It's bad enough when I see you, you relive what the fuck I read on my News Feed over again. Find a hobby or make a new fucking friend. I'll help you if I have to. Please just stop with all the daily bullshit. I'm not just speaking for myself, I'm speaking for the 100 other friends that really fucking hate your ass right now. Oh, and you think that it's funny that you do this daily, it's not. It's fucking annoying and if you keep this shit up, mother fuckers are gonna start throwing shit at your car. Asshole.
22) The Special Characters Post-er: These people are my favorite. You wanna know why? Because for some really odd fucking reason, every other day they think posting some shit made out of lines, arrows and other fucking characters is cute. Amuse me people...how long did that fucking shit really take you to type out? Seriously. I know you type 120wpm but for fuck's sake, what drives you to do this? Are you that bored that you have to dedicate that much time to your status updates? Half that shit I see makes no sense any way. Sure, you may think the 40 minutes you spent on your status update looks like an awesome house with a heart in the middle. But to me, it looks like someone just took a shit on my computer screen. Please make better use of your time. I don't want to add you in that same category as those people that are obsessed with Farmville and those other fucked up games. I know you've gotten laid before. Go find something to play with because this shit is not as cool as you think. If you think you're so goddamn creative, draw me the Mona Lisa on an Etch-A-Sketch, motherfucker. Seriously...stop with the character post bullshit. It gives me a goddamn headache just thinking about it.
So there it is in black and white. 22 types of people we hate on FB that every angry and annoyed fucking Facebooker can add to their list.
I wish I was blowing smoke up my ass when I wrote this, but the reality is, there are motherfuckers like this. Every single Facebooker has one of these types of friends...guaranteed!!!
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
Facebook - The Never Ending Cluster Fuck Of Goodness
Facebook, Facebook, mother fucking Facebook. I don't know how many columns I've written about this Social Networking giant, to be honest. What I do know is that I could seriously write about something Facebook related every goddamn day for a whole fucking year if I wanted too (don't get any ideas, people). That's how much shit we can talk about, when it comes to Mark Zuckerfuck and his billion dollar Harvard project.
As a society, we all get annoyed by a plethora of things Facebook related. So today, I'm going to shed a little light on FIVE...yes, FIVE, mother fucking things that a majority of us find frustrating, annoying and down right fucking stupid. Now, before any of you spout off some stupid shit like, "Well, if you don't like it, delete them...hide your news feed...blah, blah, blah." Do me a huge favor...SHUT THE FUCK UP and EAT A BAG OF DICKS. We know what to do. We just like to bitch about it, ok. That's why society is all fucked up. We know how to deal with situations, we just like getting all hyped up over dumb shit. That's life. Ok, I'm done. That said, check out these five things that make the Facebook world go round!!!!
5. If I don't personally know you or haven't met you - don't add me as a friend. I may know your brother or your third cousin, but I don't know YOU. Plain and simple, dickhead.
This shit is called stalking. Basically. And you know what stalkers like to do? Friend every single goddamn person that has crossed their path in life. It's all fun and games until you find a dead rabbit on your doorstep because you decided to hit "Accept". Shame on you. The FB friend requests that is, and not the flowers he sent to your work once a week.
And quite frankly, if I don't KNOW YOU know you, I don't give a fuck about your dinner that you are posting photos of on FB and Instragram (see below for more on this, attention whore), how many times you go to the same lame ass places with the same lame ass people and do the same goddamn boring ass shit. If I have any fucks to give about your stranger-ass, I would call and ask to go to the lame ass places where you go and to hangout with the lame ass people you hangout with. WORD. That shit got intense, huh?
4. Your judgmental rants are not poetic - just annoying and well...fucking judgmental.
Judgmental rants call for one thing - ATTENTION. There's really no easier way to say it. Congrats, asshole. Now go play Farmville and blow a donkey. Eeee aaaah, mother fucker. Then, when some 9 year old kicks your middle aged ass at Farmville, burns your farm to the ground and then pisses on the ashes, you will have small fucking reason to rant. And guess what? No one will still give a fuck.
3. I'm sorry but I may love you, but you bringing down my day with your pessimism, drama with your friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, alpaca (I got some sick fuck friends out there) is not my business - don't air your dirty laundry on Facebook. It's just weird. And see above, about no one still giving a fuck.
The best part of this fun-filled drama are the underlying messages no one understands. This goes on for hours on end. With no fucking response from anyone except those friends that share that same drama on their own fucking page. You would be surprised how bad these people want the attention. It starts off with airing dirty laundry and ends up in some famous fucking quote by Socrates that is some type of "ABC After School Special" life lesson. Then it gets summarized by a fucking video post from YouTube on the "tough times" they've been through. Where I'm from, your ass gets slapped for doing some stupid shit like that. Grow up, fuckers.
2. Food pictures - unless you are a professional food photographer - please don't bother, as no picture you ever post will make me want to eat the entree you just took a picture of. Seriously, even if you have a very nice camera.
I'm on the fence with this pet peeve to be quite honest. I don't mind it, but if you take a picture of what you're eating and the shit don't look good, your ass should get body slammed onto a table...then peed on. Right there at the restaurant. By a big mother fucking Sumo Wrestler. We get that you are having a lovely meal since you always enjoy Four Squaring us every location you set foot in. By the way, that's fucking annoying sometimes. Do I really care that you checked into your fucking apartment? I don't even know where you live so why do I care that you're finally fucking home? But I digress...bottom line, don't take pics of shit you wouldn't even feed to your dog.
1. If you have a boyfriend (or girlfriend) go ahead text each other, call each other, hangout with each other. In no way do I need to view your personal messages, lovey doveyness and conversations to each other in a public forum. Attention seeking much? I don't care if you have a great relationship. Did Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey teach you anything - keep it to yourself and you might end up staying together!
Aren't those cute little foofy-foofy messages so awesome to read in your news feed? About how your friend loves her boyfriend (vice-versa) so much and he is better than any boyfriend in the world. And if he were to ever leave, she would jump off a fucking bridge onto oncoming traffic because the bond they share is so strong. Yeah, that shit right there, probably makes 90% of your friends gag. I get that you love each other. But when you post shit like that every fucking day, it makes myself along with others want to run your ass over and dump your ass in the river. You want to show each other that you really love and appreciate one another? When you get home, fuck each others brains out. Go down on him, go down on her. Choke her with a gag, slap his ass with a paddle. Talk is cheap, but when you can fuck like gorillas...that's the true meaning of love.
The bottom line of all this is pretty simple - In this day and age when there is so much social networking media out there, sometimes you NEED to censor yourself. Fuck your right to free speech. I have a right to a newsfeed that is not full of your fucking lame ass, tired ass, bullshit. I have some friends who are some funny fuckers and don't abuse facebook like Michael Vick in a dog fight. If you are reading this and nodding your head like you know 20 motherfuckers that this applies to, chances are you are one of the 20.
The next time you think you're about to post some goddamn pearls of wisdom in the form of a motivational poster, or the most awesome burger you have ever had from In-N-Out, check-in at the free clinic or go get your pussy/crack and sack waxed, ask yourself, "Does anyone really give a fuck about what I am about to do or say?"
Chances are, probably not. But I know your ass is still going to post that fucking shit anyway. You are not welcome. Thanks for reading...and possibly laughing a bit too.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Facebook Confessions: Oozing for Attention
Dear J-Wundeezy,Ok, I have noticed lately that a bunch of Facebook friends I have, have been posting shit on their status that seem to want attention. Everything from breaking up with ex's, how shitty their lives are to just being mad all the time. What the fuck gives? I know you probably wrote similar columns to this a few times, but this specifically is driving me insane. It's soooo annoying and sometimes I want to unfriend these people that are just begging for attention. You are the man with all the answers, so please...answer.
Sincerely,
My Friends are Pathetic
Advice from J-Wunder:
Dear My Friends are Pathetic,
Your friends are fucking pathetic. Why are you even friends with these fucks in the first place? I have to say, this shit seems so fucking common amongst Facebookers. What am I saying...these people are a bunch of Facebitchers.
Every goddamn day you wake up, you start your day pissed the fuck off. Why? Because Debbie fucking Downer has been bitching since 2am about the following:
1) They hate the fucking world. You know what? Sometimes I hate the fucking world too but do I have to fucking write about it you silly sack of shit? I hope you get fucking struck by lightening you goddamn grouch. Lighten the fuck up and go drink some fucking coffee or something.
2) They are in constant pain and agony (back, neck, legs, arms, head...EVERYTHING). I'm curious...while you sit and bitch on FB about your ailments, how on earth is that going to fix your problem? Some of you mother fuckers aren't even 30 years old and you're talking about shit 80 year old people get. Arthritis my fucking ass. Just be honest and say that you have some type of STD, athletes foot, possibly AIDS or a goddamn yeast infection in your vagina and it's not fucking enjoyable at the moment. For fuck's sake people.
Stop trying to beg for attention from people that would rather take a bat and beat the shit out of you with, then wish they would posts sincere comments like, "Awwww, I hope you feel better," "If I was there, I would bring you some soup," "Sending my love and prayers." All I'm saying is deep down inside your "friends" really hope your ass doesn't wake up from the next fucking nap you take...better yet, they are probably hoping your ass chokes on a big mother fucking chicken bone and your face turns blue. Shut the fuck up you goddamn geriatric and rub some dirt on your wounds you pussy.
3) They were cheated on. Congratu-fucking-lations. You know why you were cheated on? Because you're fucking clingy. You're bad in bed. You can't kiss for shit. You eat a girl out like you're eating fucking Chinese take-out. You suck cock like you are trying to kill a rat with your mouth. You don't act like a man. You don't act like a woman. Your cock resembles a coat hanger. Your vagina looks like something from a bar in Bakersfield. I can go on and fucking on people.
Guess what friend? No one gives a shit about you getting cheated on. Honestly. If it ain't them that got fucked over, why do they care that the person you loved so damn much, fucked the goddamn garbage man or dental assistant behind your back? Life goes on for people that don't have those problems. What are you looking for? Famous quotes from goddamn Socrates or something to cheer your pathetic ass up? Oh, let me guess...you need a bunch of friends to take you out, get you wasted so you make yourself look like an ass so you can wind up the next day, on your bathroom floor, naked, covered in throw up? Go fuck yourself and move on. Ain't no one want to hear about the shit that doesn't apply to them. You need someone to talk to, go see Dr. Phil. I'm sure he would love to deal with your goddamn psychotic ass.
4) Their friends are a bunch of two face bitches. I'll make this part short and sweet. News flash dip shit...those mother fuckers aren't your friends. They never fucking were. You are just too stupid to notice because you think every mother fucker you meet on the street is your BFF. Big fucking deal you met some people at a bar and you had drinks together. Sorry to tell you this, but all they wanted to do was either steal your phone and wallet or fuck your brains out and spread those herpes they contracted last week. Nothing personal. See, it's stupid people like you, everyone takes advantage of. Don't believe me...ask yourself why you go through new friends every 3 months you weird mother fucker.
5) Life sucks and isn't worth living. Good, I'm glad. Do everyone a fucking favor and go hang yourself jackass. Better yet, go drive your car off the side of the goddamn freeway. Have you heard of therapy? Maybe, I don't know, finding someone you can have sex with? I don't care if it's a bum on the street you need to have sex with either. Have you tried masturbating? Masturbating always cures depression. For an interim time only, of course.
Wake up people, can you honestly say writing shit like that on your wall makes people want to still be friends with you? A cry for help, ya think?! If life sucks that bad, don't think some friend on Facebook is going to show you the light and preach the "good word" like they are Joel Osteen. They are too busy posting pictures of their drunk friend making out with a tranny on their page.
Man, you sons of bitches kill me every time you pull some shit like this. You think other mother fuckers don't have problems and hate their lives too, huh? Stop posting your shit people don't want to hear about. It's sad as shit and you look like a fucking clown.
Oozing for attention. It's like high school all over again. The sad thing is, adults actually do this shit. Fucking adults. Can you believe that? The solution is simple friend. Unfriend these fucking people because the value they have is nothing. Unless you want to hate life, become addicted to some sort of drug, feel the urge to hate others and start shooting mother fuckers because you are THAT angry, I guess you can still be friends with them.
Life Without Drama Is Like a Good Orgasm,
J-Wunder
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Facebook Confessions: He's Up To Something
Dear J-Wunder,I have a bone to pick with my man. He constantly denies my friend request on Facebook and I'm his freaking girlfriend. We've been dating for almost a year and til this day, he won't be friends with me. Does he have something to hide? When we argue, it's usually about this. Can I trust him? Help so I don't assume the worst.
Sincerely,
He's Up to Something
Dear He's Up to Something,
I will try to make this as short and sweet as possible. Your man...he's up to fucking something. No doubt woman. You've been together for almost one year and he's flat out DENIED your friend request on FB. If that doesn't tell you that he's hiding something, then you're a fucking idiot. The dude is trying to be sly. The funny thing is, he ain't fooling anyone. Maybe your ass, but no one else. Denying you access to him on Facebook denies you access to all the other pieces of ass and gems he has hiding. Can you trust him? You should trust his ass like you trust someone that has contracted herpes. You tell me if you should trust him?
Don't be that bimbo. Please. It's fucking Facebook, so what the fuck does he have to hide? Obviously too much since you've been denied friend access for almost 12 months now. Are you really that fucking dumb, seriously? I don't want to turn this into a Dr. Phil episode but you do realize that what's going on right now is making you look like a complete ass. Your man is banging someone. What am I talking about. He's probably banging multiple someones. Shit, he's probably dating other chicks on top of you, doing the same shit, having his way. He's doing what players do. Actually, he's doing what "so-called" players do. When in reality, smart players don't do this shit. Matter of fact, real players, including women, that play the game don't even have a fucking Facebook. That shit is a "Death Trap" to them. You can't trace something that never existed, right?
I'm not a fan of invading other peoples privacy. If you trust them enough, they'll budge and let you see what you think they were hiding. Case closed, you end up feeling dumb, you kiss, have make-up sex and the conversation never gets brought up again. Yay for bullshit drama.
In your case, it's only Facebook. A Social fucking Network. So invade the fuck away because your man is hiding something for sure. What could it be? I don't fucking know. I'm not a psychic. It could be a number of things. Bitches he's boning. Maybe he likes dudes. He's a drug dealer. I don't know. But if I was a betting man, I would say he's hiding other chicks from you. Facebook is the new fucking Rolodex or Black Book for some people which includes your slap dick of a boyfriend.
All I know is that you're hanging around like flies on horse shit and letting the guy get away with a "hit that ass and run" crime. But you know what, good for him because you're playing the card he wants you to play. Think about it. Say he is hooking up with other chicks. And he's done that for a year. That means, your vagina has touched 3 or more other vaginas. Your mouth has touched 3 or more other mouths...oh, and vaginas. Put the pieces together lady. That isn't a yeast infection you got a month ago. It's called an STD. And NO, just eating yogurt once a day won't cure it. The sheets weren't dirty that caused you to get what you described as "lice of the pubes." That's called krabs. Your man gave that to you. You can thank the skank he banged in the alley way near your favorite Irish Pub for that.
If you keep going on at this rate, your vagina will no longer be accepted by other men or women let alone good enough to put a dildo to use. Your man is living the dream. Crush that dream, give him a mean paper cut to the nut sack and move on. Oh, if you really do have an STD or Krabs, please get that shit checked out. That's really fucking disgusting.
Sincerely,
J-Wunder
Monday, December 13, 2010
Facebook Confessions: For the Love of...
Dear J-Wunder,Alright, I have a really big pet peeve that I'm not even sure I should call to attention. But I know I'm not the only one who thinks this, so here it goes:
Stop, I mean STOP with the religious status updates. I know it's the holidays and you have a lot to be thankful for, but fuck, for the love of God (yeah, I said it) - STOP.
I saw a doozie the other day:
Stephanie ****** is so thankful to have such a wonderful life. I am giving God all the glory and honor, the power of prayer is really amazing.
Now please understand, I'm not saying I hate people who are religious, nor am I saying your beliefs are wrong, but Facebook is not the forum to share such thoughts. Your church group is.
Sincerely,
Am I going to hell?
Thoughts from J-Wunder:
Dear Am I Going to Hell?,
This was one of the subjects I was hoping to never touch base on. However, since the topic of discussion has presented itself, I guess I will try my very best to give you an answer without trying to offend anyone.
Do I believe in God? You bet your sweet ass I do. Have I been to church (by choice) in the last 2 years? No. Why you ask? It's pretty simple...why walk into God's house and burst into a ball of fire for some shit I would rather not talk about right now?
My rap sheet would not only get me struck by lightning but would probably blow up the church instantaneously. Seriously.
So with that being said, all I have to say is...
Yes. You are going to hell. I'll save you a seat on the bus.
You're Welcome,
J-Wunder
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Facebook Confessions: Number Crazy
Dear Mr. J-Wunder,I really really wish these people would stop playing this dumb f-ing number game already! I don't care what number person you are talking about, what you think of them, it is all just a waste of typing. Are we supposed to be in some great suspense on who they are talking about?? Why do people need to post what they think of someone to the rest of their friends, but they can't even say who it is they are talking about, only say a stupid number??? And the real topper is when they say "ok, last one I swear..." and it's never the last one!!! STOP IT ALREADY!!!!
Until next time,
Please hurt the number game inventor
Dear Please hurt the number game inventor,
#1,204,974 - This is bullshit! Lets play the game of, "Who gives a flying fuck." How bout after you do your 25 posts about people that want attention, we do a REPOST this if you're a fucking idiot?! How bout that? Bunch of fucking yam bags, I swear.
There are a few things I will NEVER do on Facebook:
1) Play that stupid fucking numbers game. You're fucking up my universe and overloading my news feed people. You know who you are.
2) Play those fucking games...I don't care what the fucking game is. It's a game and it's fucking stupid. No, I don't want to help you grow your fucking virtual crops on Farmville and no I don't want to steal fucking ammo for you on Mafia Wars. For fuck sakes people. Access denied. Oh, this includes you stupid fuckers that like to Poke people too. The only thing I'm poking is your sister asshole.
3) Give the play by play on my life. It's cool to a certain extent, but when you start talking about shit that makes me feel oddly uncomfortable, that's a sign that you need to keep that shit within the comfort of your own home. Seriously, you look like a dumb ass looking for attention that you aren't getting from your own family members. If that's the case, go see a therapist and talk to them about how you'll never find love and every person you meet has tried to run you over with their car. Posting shit like this makes me want to unfriend you and get a restraining order due to your instability as a fucking human being.
4) Act tough via my status. Yup, I said it. For some reason, people think they sound all big and bad when they try to talk shit to someone via Facebook status. They use ALL CAPS and cuss a lot. You really think you scare people? Seriously? Like those words are gonna jump off the screen and kick them in the face. To those people that have experienced these idiots, don't worry. I will tell you that they aren't shit and have a bigger bark then bite. If they are as bad as they say they are, they'd kick your ass personally, not type a 250 word Facebook status on how bad they want to kill you. So in short, go fuck yourself Terry Tough Guys and Gals.
5) Get on Facebook at 12:01am to wish my friend a happy fucking birthday to feel special since I was the first one to send that post. Two words - Dip Shit. I'm not gonna go on an angry tirade with this because it's pretty self-explanatory.
The numbers game probably started by some idiot that has no job, no friends and hasn't had sex in I don't know...EVER. I never understood how people have so much time to post so much meaningless shit. Notice I said meaningless. I don't mean to hate but I think some people really need to take a good look at themselves in the mirror and ask why? I don't know what that "why" question should be b/c I'm not the one with the fucking problems or addictions to shit like this. Yeah I post a lot of shit, but my shit serves its purpose. That's the difference.
Am I wrong here people? Do we need to make this an open forum? The comment regarding this numbers game is beyond valid. Like "Please hurt the number game inventor" said, "STOP IT ALREADY!!!!" This shit ain't funny and never was cute. So stop it now or you'll be left with just relatives as your FB friends.
Just Sayin',
J-Wunder
Friday, December 10, 2010
Facebook Confessions: Good Fortune
Dear J-Wunder,The Fucking Fortune Cookie
Just a little post for the idiots that feel it's necessary to take up space on my FB page with ridiculous posts about some fucking fortune cookie being delivered. First of all, people....really, if life is so bad you have to depend on the results of some random app on FB and then have it posted on everyone's wall give it up already, you've already gone off the deep end. Secondly, I don't mean to be a bitch but I could care less about what the shit says..so please spare the space and refrain from allowing such crap to be placed on my page. If you've made it to my page good for you, if you'd like to stay their keep that shit off......that goes for the daily horoscope too.
On a side note: I totally understand the value of youtube and appreciate what it has to offer. For the sake of not embarrassing yourselves can you please refrain from posting video after video in a row for hours on end. You may not have anything else to do with your day but for fuck's sake don't advertise it........
Sincerely,
Random app hater
Thoughts from J-Wunder:
Dear Random App Hater,
Laugh My Mother Fucking Ass Off! Real talk yo. Once I saw "The Fucking Fortune Cookie" in my inbox, I shat myself. It was like you were mind fucking me. Lets begin and assess shall we?
3/4 of the folks reading this are dying with laughter right now. I mean, they are probably saying to themselves, "You are so fucking right! Amen! I hate that shit too! Fuck those fortune cookie people. Waste.Of.Time."
While that's happening, 1/4 of the folks reading this are pissed. Well, because they are guilty of the fortune cookie obsession. I call it an obsession for a few reasons.
1) They seem to believe that this application works like a real fortune cookie. You know real fortune cookies are bullshit too, right? I stopped believing in them when I was, I don't know...5 years old.
2) They hope that one of those fortune cookies will reveal those winning lottery numbers and they become rich. News flash - you have a better chance getting struck by lightning.
3) They analyze what their daily fortune says and it becomes their "mantra of the day." Here's a mantra - "Go fuck a goat."
4) They are truly convinced that someway, somehow, these fortune cookies will pick them up, off their feet, so they can move forward in their lives...almost as some motivational words. If you need motivational words from a fucking fortune cookie, do me a favor...go to the top of a very tall building and jump. If you survive, that should be enough motivation to never try to listen to a fucking fortune cookie again, you weird mother fucker.
5) They want the world to see how "lucky" they are with that day's fortune. You know what lucky is? "Lucky" is when a fucking bum saves you from getting hit by a bus. "Lucky" is when you banged someone with herpes and didn't contract it. "Lucky" is finding a fucking $100 bill on the street. "Lucky" is shitting your pants and no one was around to witness it. That's lucky. Not some bullshit application that randomly sent you four numbers and a sentence that barely makes sense.
There you have it friends. I hope this doesn't offend you fortune cookie app lovers out there. The truth of the matter is, you fall under one of these five categories. If you are denying it right now, think again. Why the fuck else would you be doing it? I'm here to listen (jwunder33@gmail.com).
Oh, and for you people that post 10-15 YouTube videos a day, that shit is cool. Sometimes. But when you post every fucking song that "you absolutely love"...guess what? That doesn't bode well with your friends. Actually, that could get your ass punched in the face and stabbed by bums from San Francisco. Ease up on the bullshit, k?
You're probably saying, "Well Mr. J-Wunder, I'm tired of you always posting shit about updates on your blog. Same shit." Uh, no it's not. You know why? Your ass is reading my shit right now, while no one is watching your shitty "Walk like a fucking Egyptian" video you posted 18 fucking times today. Yeah.That.Just.Happened.
You're Welcome,
J-Wunder
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Facebook Confessions: Back and Forth
Dear J-Wunderman,Ok, so here's my peeve, just one of many of course but I'll start with this one.
I can't stand when people air their stupidity to their FB world...such as being confused about a guy, not knowing if they should still see this person, why is he so lame, we are so done, he don't know what he'll be missing....etc.
But then the next post will be how happy they finally are, never been so happy in their life, because he must've said something so utterly convincing to shut her up, blah blah blah. Just to post the next day how miserable they are once again. Mostly it is the young girls doing this, and they just don't realize how stupid they look to everyone, even after their friends have given them all the advice they can, they really aren't listening anyways. What, do they want sympathy for being so dumb??
Ok, so I want to hear your thoughts cuz I can use some laughs right now, maybe tomorrow I will send you yet another doozy....
Sincerely,
I keep it real
Dear I keep it real,
Isn't that some shit girl?! The notorious, "What do I do about my guy" question to the Facebook world? I'm not a relationship doctor but here's what I do know. That bitch that you speak of, is what I like to call a fucking numb-nut. Dumb ass. Stupid fuck. Fuck face. Basically, a girl that has set her relationship life into a fucking drama-filled disaster, put on by her own actions.
These people don't know how to take their shit off-line because they like the attention. They feed off the sympathy. They eat up the comments from their other dumb ass friends that "went through the same thing". Guess what? Those bitches that play Dr. Phil to you, are by themselves...right now, wondering, "What the fuck did I do to be in this position" too. Don't believe me, ask them if they currently have a stable relationship. And when I say stable, I mean not some bullshit relationship that has been "off and on" for six months.
News flash to Miss Lover-Lover. You sound like a bitch lost in time. Someone that shits from the front and pisses from the back. You walk with two left feet that are broken. It's these people that need to realize that when things go good again, it's because something went wrong with their man's original plan that didn't involve her. True story.
I couldn't agree more that this topic has to do more with teenagers. But to me, that seems normal (in some fucked up way). Some teenagers are fucking idiots. I know I was. I'm just glad I snapped out of that bullshit world and didn't stick around to see a disaster happen.
The sad part is, we experience this with adults. Fucking adults. People in their 20's and 30's...shit, add 40 and 50 year olds to that shit too. It's a cycle those people will never break. Misery loves company. And men love chicks that will go back to them no matter how much of an asshole they are. Don't blame the guy. Blame the dumb ass broad that thinks love is when her man bangs another whore but still loves her. Run from these people. Far, far away. Matter of fact, unfriend these mother fuckers because they will bring you down. Bring you down to China Town. And if you've ever watched Big Trouble in Little China, you know what I'm fucking talking about.
No need to tip me,
J-Wunder
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