Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Advice Column: Exit Only

Dear J-Wunder,

Ok my friend, here's the thing...my old man likes anal. I'm a dirty girl and will let him do lots of freaky shit, but I'm not an anal all-star. I'll do it, but I don't think I get porn star enough for him because I find it painful. See, he's larger than my guys before. I love him and want to please him in all ways sexually. I know he loves me. He tells me it's not a big deal, but is he being truthful? Is it an issue I should worry about? I need a mans out look on this.

Thanks,
Not a fan of the back door



Dear Not a Fan of the Back Door,

FACT: Men love sex.

FACT: Men will push the envelope with women when it comes to sex. Translation: asking her if they could put their dong in their pooper.

True motherfucking story sweet tits.

Don't be alarmed though you sexy little vixen. This shit is fucking normal. Realize that dudes LOVE to fuck. Dudes LOVE vagina. Dudes LOVE trying to get away with almost the impossible...like, putting it in a chicks asshole. I'm almost convinced that every man has attempted or at least asked to fuck a one-night stand, girlfriend, a benny or prostitute in the dookie hole at least once, if not twice, in their life. Real talk.

There's no need for you to be fucking worried...about anything. Look, I get that you love your man and you would do just about anything thing for him. Even go through the pain of having his large member enter your tiny little goats eye. But is this love worth getting your asshole ripped to shreds so you could fit the barrel of a bat inside your anus while walking around like you been riding the Bologna Pony Express since you were 16? Probably not. So why even sweat the issue, right?

Don't over think your situation because I know for a goddamn fact your man isn't. Just know he's like any typical guy who constantly thinks about sex. Sex with your mouth. Sex with your vagina. And yes...sex with your balloon knot. I couldn't make this shit up. We think about it all the motherfucking time...without goddamn question. Put it this way...if you gave your man the choice to eliminate having sex with your mouth, vagina or dookie hole...you know what he's gonna choose? The dookie hole. And do you know why he's gonna say "no thanks" to the Hershey Highway? Because ain't no better feeling then a nice warm mouth and a super wet va-jay-jay. I can feel it already...mmmmm. But I digress...

What you're experiencing is VERY common. He's just testing the waters to see how far you'll run with it, you know? I mean, you did say you were a freak, right? NEWS FLASH: Once a woman admits she's a freak, 96.4432% of men ASSUME the bitch loves getting pounded in the ass. Don't ask me why, don't even ask me how. We just do. Telling a man or showing him an inkling of freakness will give him the idea that you like it in EVERY hole. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to fuck your bellybutton for good measure. I'm dead fucking serious.

Keep being freaky in the sack, let him know your asshole is an "exit only",  and fuck him so good that he never brings it up again. If he does, then do this...

Next time you're fucking his brains out, pull out a butt plug (one preferably the size of his cock). Tell him, "Sweety, if you're gonna fuck me in the ass with your big ass dick, then I want you to feel what I'm feeling with this little gift jammed in your asshole." Trust me, you do that, I'm pretty sure the motherfucker will never bring up the subject ever again. However, if he's down with this suggestion, not only are you on your own but, you're fucked...big time!

5 dollars says he's down,

J-Wunder

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

Best Reply Possible 110% TRUTH .... We want what were not supposed to have.. but we wont give up whats available ... Great story!!!

Anonymous said...

lmfao jwunder this is brilliant. my advice - tell him if he fucks you good enough youll let him stick his wink in your pooper and just say not good enough maybe next time unless you wanna give it a shot lol i is smrt

Anonymous said...

Anal is Not 4 everybody... sum of us love it & will do it others dont... part of the prob even if u want 2 do it if neither of u have experience with it u usually end up not being able 2 cuz ur clumsy idiots & have no idea wtf ur doing... so a lil advice... if u really want 2 do it & its cool... lots of lube/baby oil... you get on top & u are always in control of how much u take & how hard u take it..sumtimes its even easier 2 have him not all the way hard when u start... oh & u mite wanna have a few drinks 2 help u relax b4 u do it 2.. cuz if ur nervous all tense & tight its still gonna be uncomfortable & u may not b able 2 do it still... my ex has a big dick ... i was the only girl he has ever had anal with & we loved it ... so good luck & enjoy =o)

Anonymous said...

100% truth, and I'm hijacking balloon knot.

sassafrass888 said...

love the response..too damn funny and TRUE!

Anonymous said...

If some MoFo wants his dick in my ass I figure he must be gay! Over end of story! I don't give a shit about guys will try anything...nasty!

Anonymous said...

There are straight guys who like things up their asses, prostate is there :P But balloon knot is fucking awesome, stealing.

O Evil One... said...

J Wunder I love you!

Anonymous said...

"I can feel it already...mmmmm." - you're such a turn on.

Oh, my favorite was the butt plug advice, I think it's only fair dudes experience the same pain and/or pleasure we would have to. There's a fine line between pleasure and pain sometimes, I just don't want shit coming out, that would freak me out and embarrass me.

Anonymous said...

Tell the (no pun intended) whole truth.What guys really want is the money shot on the face of a chick who enjoys it like there's nothing better in the world.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention all those old ladies in nursing homes pooping all over themselves as they can't control their muscles in there because of anal sex or the young mormon girls that are having shit running down their legs cause the believe anal isn't real sex. Ruin your life for some Dick that deserves it stuck up his was. Fuck that.

Anonymous said...

Balloon knot!!! �������� I am so using that an definitely am gonna do that butt plug idea,fuck all that!!!