Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Adventures of Smuggleupagus

We here at Ghetto Genius are not only here to entertain, but also to impart wisdom and educate our readers. We are a full service blog, and should probably get nominated for some kind of humanitarian award or some shit. So please, feel free to nominate us based on all of the awesome advice and practical knowledge we put out there on the daily. I promise you, one of us will show up to receive any awards bestowed.

With that little PSA out of the way, the lesson I am hear to teach is about the timeless American tradition of smuggling booze. I am not talking prohibition shit here. I left hauling jugs of wine down the street and calling it 'grape juice' to my grandma. She actually grew up during prohibition and would haul jugs of wine for my great-grandpa, because no one really questions a 7 year old, who doesn't speak English, carrying a jug of ‘ juice’ down the old-timey streets of Delaware. Yeah, fuck all that jazz. Thanks for paving the way grandma, but it's 2012 and I am a little more Flossie Flossie than that. I am talking about the more sophisticated art of sneaking things into places where you are not supposed to concerts.

I live in South Florida and I am blessed to be able to see awesome concerts, pretty much any time of the year. While I am also blessed to have enough money to afford the good life, I also have a little smuggler's blood in me and I love to sneak the no-no shit into concerts. I know, it seems Ghetto as fuck to sneak stuff into concerts and not just pay $11-$16 dollars for a drink like everyone else. Yeah, well, smack my ass and call me Ghetto because no matter how much I ball, I am never paying $16 for a drink that isn't basically heroin, cocaine and Jack Daniels mixed together.

I started sneaking things into concerts a few years ago, going to a Dave Matthews Band concert. My friend and I didn't have tickets to the Saturday show, so we knew they would be pricey as we would be buying them in the parking lot. We also knew we wanted to get fucked up. And right there a plan was formed. For $20 dollars we got more vodka than 2 people of our stature should consume in one night (not the shitty stuff, either. Mid-range, but remember, I am in my early 20's in this story, and not real discerning) and then also bought 10 oz plastic flasks. My friend is what some would call"voluptuous" so hiding her booze in her cleavage was a no-brainer. Me, while I am chesty enough, a 10 oz bottle will definitely show. I had to slide it in the waist band of my jeans and hope that I wasn't given a very thorough pat down. I wasn't... but I definitely learned a valuable lesson from this whole experience.

I soon realized that security was not all that savvy and I could use this to my advantage, along with the latest fashion trend. Fashion had give me a free pass to smuggle endlessly by bringing back the baby doll/ empire waist shirt. I could fit so much more in my jeans waistband now that I was wearing this free flowing gift from the drinking gods. On my 29th birthday my friends gifted me another indispensable tool to my smuggling trade-The Gucci Fanny Pack. I know, I know, I know, I said fanny pack. But this one is practical and fashion forward. In the front are two pouches for your to put your essentials- phone, lip gloss, wallet, ID, cigs/lighter if you smoke, a small hair brush, EVERYTHING a girl needs, even a tampon (we will come back to the importance of those later) and in the back is a zipper pouch that lays flat against the wearers body and can hold 10 oz of liquor or MANY airplane bottles, undetected. Shit is fucking magic I tell you.

Once I got the taste for smuggling, I wanted more. I wanted to bring an array of alcohol in - not just a flask or a few mini bottles. I wanted enough to get me and my friends C-R-U-N-K. So, I looked at all my purses to see which one would fit my needs and how. I got creative and went all MacGyver on the situation- here is what my drunk/cheap genius came up with: 3 oz Travel bottles and Tampons. Wait, what??

I know, people are scratching their heads and wondering where the fuck this is going, but I swear on all things holy, this will all make sense shortly. I have a few purses who's designer shall remain nameless because my friends call them "old lady purses." Well, fuck you all very gently; because of my purses many people have gotten drunk with me. For way cheap. My most fave smuggling purse has 2 big pockets and enough room for a make-up bag. The 3rd component to this is an empty make up bag. And here is what you do:

Take the 3 oz travel bottles and fill them with the liquor(s) of your choice. I can usually get up to 10 into my bag. Put them in a zip loc bag, if the purse you are using is a nice one and not machine washable. Mine are, but I wrap it up, just in case. Fill the empty compartment and make up bag with your booze and cover in tampons. Voila!

When you get your purse checked at security and someone sees a girl with that many tampons in her purse, NO ONE FUCKS WITH HER. They think “we have a crazy, bleeding bitch on our hands and we best just let her through before she goes all Carrie on us” and you get through, no questions asked. Then you unpack your lawn bar onto your blanket or pass around to friends and get the party started. And that was how I came to be known as Smuggleupagus. While I know my plan is only good if you have one female who is willing to be your Smuggleupagus, I promise the plan is fool proof. Remember the more girls you can get to help you get your goodies into the show, the crunker you can get. And isn’t that what life is about - getting fucked up and doing fucked up shit?

Take photos of your lawn bars and send them to me. You are very fucking welcome!


Honey said...

My girls and I all smuggle and we're old pros' at it, you name it, we're getting it in! Booze and drugs, tampons are the best!

pinkandteal said...

Me too. Did this back when I was young and wanted to smuggle in a camera to concerts, just throw it in a tampon box and the shoo you in the door :0

Anonymous said...

male version please. i dont have man boobs

H-Bomb said...

Unfortunately, there is no male version at this time except to keister it... and I don't think anyone needs a drink that bad.

EDancingQueen said...

I am all over this one....effen right!

Anonymous said...

At first, I despised the fanny pack idea and finally gave into being a part of the group purchase... since even though she wanted a fanny pack, it was Gucci fanny pact which meant the asking price was 3 times the amount of rent I paid each month... but I now bow down to the red, tan and gold purse that hugs you like a midget. .. she can hold more booze than 2 not-so -lightweight girls can consume.

Heathen said...

I've been smuggling booze in to south florida events for years myself. Gotten it down to a mastery level! I regularly bring 750ml of Jager with me to whatever events I go to. Pour that sucker into a 20oz Dr.Pepper bottle and squeeze all the air out of it and cap it. Jager looks a hell of a lot like Dr. Pepper) Of course I take a few shots from the big bottle first, because I'm all class like that. I always make sure i have a medium to large purse, and I open up the zippered change pocket inside and cut the fabric as far up inside that I can. this creates a new pocket between the purse and the fabric. shove that bottle in the new pocket. Put tampons or pads into the seemingly normal change pocket to avoid further examination and zip up the change pocket. throw in a bunch of crap into the maine parts of the purse to hide any bulge such as a bottle of hair product and a whatever else will conceal it and voila!

Rowdy Reign said...

I've NEVER smuggled booze, but this entry just made me want to start :)

Anonymous said...

I'm an EMT. Urine bags hold about a litre (2 pts) of fluid of your choice, and come with straps to connect them to your legs, and a little tap to fill the glass up.

No problem.

That's said, I'm an EMT. Turn up in uniform, and I could be carrying a Magnum of champagne and they wouldn't stop me!

Anonymous said...

Take the bladder out of a boxed wine - tape it to your gut. Happy days.

Entering a concert in the UK a few years back the security took my water off me but left my taped to the gut wine bladder and sack of shrooms alone. Good times.