Wednesday, February 29, 2012

We Put the "F" in FUN Mother Fucker

What's up GG? This is one of those first time caller, long time listener scenarios, lol...keep up the good work. Now onto business, my roommate and good friend have been tired of the usual Saturday night events. So we made a list of random shit and some far out stuff we wanna do this year. We need more ideas though, so thought the man himself and his posse of fellow wholesome individuals could help out. Here's a taste of what we got so far.

- Deep sea fishing: if you catch a shark you gotta punch that fucker
- Get a cougar that's double my age
- Drunk batting cages
- Drunk all out go karts
- Whoop a clowns ass- hard to find but go for the gold right
- Have a straight up random ass 1 night stand
- Get my apprentice laid
- White water rafting
- Hood sledding: this is Ohio so do it redneck style
- Sky dive
- Threesome: never had 1

And so on. Thoughts, considerations and ideas would be awesome.

Thanks,
Dave D



Dear Double D:

First off, thanks for the love, motherfucker. We love getting feedback from our bad-ass fans, but we only acknowledge the good shit. Haters gonna hate, and they can do that shit somewhere else. Deuces. We here at GG HQ appreciate your confidence in our team to give you the best goddamn advice available on the internets. Since you follow our Nobel-worthy blog, you know that our advice, if followed to the letter, is a recipe for the best possible outcome - GUARANTEED.

Next, we couldn't help but notice...your friends are not too fucking bright or creative. That could be part of the reason you assholes are bored to shit. "Drunk batting cages"? "Get my apprentice laid"? (Who are you...Donald Fucking Trump?) "White water rafting"?? Wow, you live on the motherfucking edge, dude. Our team favorite, though, has to be, "Have a straight up random ass one night stand."

Before we go any further, we have to know...are you over 18? Because if by the time you're 19 you haven't stuck your little willy into at least 3 randoms, you got problems, bro. Big mother fucking problems. Or maybe you have a teeny, tiny little "problem"...ANYWAY. Back to the advice.

After a whole lot of drinking, then a little more drinking, then puking and going back to drinking (because we're fucking awesome like that), we came up with some suggestions for you and your crew to have the most bad-ass, off-the-chain, bone-breaking, ball-busting, I-might-need-some-cream-for-this-fucking-rash, fun. Without further adieu, here is a list of shit guaranteed to get you a night in jail or the hospital, all while having the time of your motherfucking life:

1) Drag Queen Bingo: If you don't have one in your town, create one. Ever seen Drag Queens brawl over some stupid shit? You're welcome.

2) Midget Wrestling: Most towns have places where you can hire them for an extended period of time. Hire these little fuckers, get them shitfaced and off you go to an entertaining Saturday night.

3) Shopping Cart Joust: Steal 2 shopping carts from your neighborhood grocery store and then take the bristles off brooms...the rest is fucking magic. BTW - No armor.

4) Bar Hop/Scavenger Hut: Self-explanatory, one person - Can also be followed up with a game of Titty Bar/I spy. If you aren't fucking by the end of the night, consider this a complete fucking FAIL.

5) Drunk Mini Golf: Using yard long beer glasses as your putter. Loser takes 18 shots of whatever-the-fuck you want.

Please note: The above 5 activities do INCLUDE alcohol and, in fact, should have Edward 40 Hands incorporated into them. It's all about creativity mother fucker.

6) Watch 2 chicks fist each other: No words can describe that shit. You will be fucking speechless and not have an appetite for 3 months.

7) Take ecstasy, go to a rave, tell a random girl (that is also fucked up on ecstasy) how pretty she is and FUCK her all night long. On drugs you look bigger and better looking. If you puke, don't worry...that chick will take care of you all night. Can't lose. Now, you think this is normal and no biggie. Tell us that when you feel like your dick is about to explode.

8) Move to California and get your weed license: They are giving this shit away like candy. Oh, and the candy here has weed in it! True story.

9) Put a beer bottle neck up your ass and try to fart. Let me know the outcome. Perfume in a bottle.

10) Donkey punch someone. Giddy up bitches.

11) Get to third base during a Sunday Mass...in front of the kids choir.

12) Eat, smoke, or whatever you do with a fucking ton of peyote in the middle of the desert, Natural Born Killers style.

13) Film a dude fucking a dolphin. That's right, I said dolphin.

14) Piss on R. Kelly.

15) Have R. Kelly piss on you.

16) Deliver a baby...Platypus.

17) Screw Lindsay Lohan without a rubber...we like to call this STD roulette.

18) Audition for a job at a male strip club (don't forget to get a full Brazilian...bitches love smooth balls).

19) Get initiated into a gang then get initiated to that gang's rival gang.

20) Ride a bull. Not mechanical. A real fucking bull. No cup.

21) Streak at a televised sporting event. When it's cold and you have shrinkage.

22) Get laid by telling a horrible looking girl her absolute worst feature is her best feature (for instance her face or overly sagging titties). Straight face is a must, or you won't sell it.

23) Start smoking cigarettes, or doing heroin, etc, just so you have something worthwhile to quit next January for your New Year's Resolutions.

24) Drinking getting boring? Buy a funnel and a bottle of vodka. Pour shots in your ass. It's supposed to get you drunk real quick since it bypasses your stomach and intestines. Report back to the crew, because this is something we will never attempt ourselves.

25) Have an orgy with a bunch of chicks...all on their period. Like a BOSS!!!!

26) Get a tattoo of a pitbull fucking a mermaid. Not sure why, but if I could picture something fucking something else, it would be a pitbull fucking a mermaid.

27) Go to a bar, stand on the bar, announce that you're gonna buy drinks for everyone at the bar, put that shit on your friends tab, then run like a mother fucker.

28) Punch a cop in the face.

29) Go to Vegas and hire a prostitute...while you're fucking her, choke her long enough to make her pass out. While she's out cold, put her in a tub of ice. When she wakes up, she will freak the fuck out.

30) 69 with a homeless person on a dare.

You're welcome.

19 comments:

L-Train said...

OMG....#29...I am fucking DYING!!

tjmendoza said...

BEST. LIST. EVER.

EDancingQueen said...

Yup I pretty much laughed the whole read....Love #25

Anonymous said...

Lmfaoo. #29 is epic.

Kellbell :) said...

Someone needs to have their crew attempt as many of these as possible in one night and video tape it and send it in to an indie film fest!i smell a fuckin oscar!!!

Anonymous said...

Classic!!!!!

dustieraye said...

Great ideas fellas. To entertain myself, I take my flat chested girlfriends to Hooters and have them ask for an aplication. I then ask the waitress how she got a job working here because my friends tits are way better than hers.

Anonymous said...

29 is the fucking best!!! Lmao!

Kat Divine said...

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING PRICELESS!!! LOVE IT!!!

Did you just say what I think you did? said...

That was fucking FABULOUS!

Rowdy Reign said...

25 was my fave, then comes 29 :)

Krista Galagan said...

OMG!!! Best List EVER!!!! Now....off to find out who will do some of that shit with me!

KaeDee Ked Four said...

Lol

KaeDee Ked Four said...

Lol 29 off tha chain ..

Irish Panda said...

I will! Lmao can't stop laughing!

Anonymous said...

Dude-if you funnel shots into your ass, you will DIE!
How do I know this? Because I'm a cop and I answered a call where some guy did it and got alcohol positioning, went in an coma and is 6ft fucking under...just sayin', guys, there a HUGE difference between going jail and a dirt nap. Other then that, love you guy's style

Anonymous said...

Shut up cop, u ain't welcome here!

Anonymous said...

I love the deliver a baby platypus!

Anonymous said...

that is epic....My team is just the bitches to pull this off!!