Friday, June 8, 2012

Advice Column: Parenting 101




Dear J- Wunder & Crew,

I don't know who exactly this goes to, BUUT, I will say that your blog is fuken hilarious. Big props! I got a question for you guys, some needed advice actually. There is a supermarket right around the corner from my house. It's similar to the Wal-Mart Supercenter, where you find everything and urrrthang. I go there almost everyday because, we'll my wife can never make up her damn mind and make one big list. So here the situation, every time I go, there is always a lil bastard that is either yelling at their parents or just being a pain in the ass. I have kids, so I have a tolerance for them. But when parents(white people) don't want to put their kids in line, that shit bothers me. "Come here Dakota... no Dakota, don't run.... away." Sometimes I feel like grabbing little Dakota by the elf ears and putting a price tag on their forehead and putting them on the top shelf, along with the milk. REAL TALK! So of course I'm not going to do anything to anyone else's kid. But maybe something funny for you guys to bring up. jajaja

Thanks for the laughs guys and keep bringin' dat realness!!

-Beto "El Alacran"

(Spanish for the Scorpion)


Dear what is the word for douche bag in Spanish,

When I first started to read your letter I was all "this guy thinks we are hilarious, he must be as smart as we are." However, the more I read the more incensed (J, L, $20 says "El Alacran" needs to Google that word) I became. Are you for-fucking-real here? I often wonder if I get the advice columns that are really people punking us, because in 2012 I find it hard to believe that people this ignorant still exist. Then I remind myself that I live in FL, where stupidity still abounds.

How you managed to be racist, stupid and violent in just a few sentences amazes me. I am all for a good open hand slap - ON AN ADULT, but the fact that you implied that you would want to harm a child is unfathomable (double or nothing, J & L), even under the worst of circumstances. Before I properly address that, I have to point out something that has been niggling at me since I started reading this cock-nuggetry.

With out even meeting your wife, I can already guess why she sends you to the store everyday.

Has anyone else followed me on this journey? I think a few of you have... and you are right. I am willing to bet dollars to doughnuts (I think I need Gambler’s Anonymous) that she does this to get your stupid ass away from her for a few moments. You seem like a weaselly, annoying, kind of fuck-tard, and I bet the sound of your voice alone is like nails on a chalk board to wifey. Does she have band-aids on her ears because they have been bleeding from all your blathering? That’s another bet I am willing to make.

If anyone is wondering why I am so irate right now, here’s why.

First off, I am white, so assuming that white people do not discipline their children is fucking ludicrous, and I don’t mean the rapper. While I did come from a pretty laid-back house hold, if you got lippy or sassy with Ma Dukes you got the back of her hand. Don’t get it twisted, Ma Dukes is cool as fuck, but the minute you took a tone or stepped out of line in the least, she would set your ass straight. And G-Ma Dukes? That lady wrote the book on "I don’t play." She was covert like Black Ops, too - she could discipline you in a store, in a restaurant, on a plane - wherever and whenever, and not a single person knew you were getting pinched on the leg because you even thought about sassing her. If you think white people don’t discipline their kids, think again.

Second, you say you are a parent? Then you should know how fucking crazy kids can be at any given time, for one reason or another no reason at all. You should also realize that until you have walked in another parent's shoes you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to judge another parent. None. Ya dig, son? Do you know if the kid is special needs, ADHD, or just in a really rambunctious mood? No, so just buy your shit and be about your business.

Third, the fact that you even think about harming another child as a "joke" gives me the chills. The bad kind. Sure, we have all been out and either heard the screaming kid or saw the one that threw themselves on the ground in the middle of the store or the one that ran away and is hiding somewhere being a little shit, like all kids are want do. When your perfectly behaved, intellectually superior kid ends up in juvie, pregnant or addicted to drugs, because of your stellar parenting skills, call me so I can laugh my ass of at you, and hell, maybe I will even write you a check for bail or rehab. I would offer to send clothes for the baby, but they would be from people like me (white people) and I wouldn't want my entire races bad parenting to rub off on you. You know that shit is contagious, right?

I bet if some honkey-ass, crazy-cracker-bitch started telling you what to do and how and when to discipline your kids you would be furious. Oh, wait, I am the honkey-ass, crazy-cracker-bitch, doing just that. Not so funny now, is it?

The next time you go to the store add these things to your list: a big bottle of mindyabidness, some ear plugs so you can’t hear all the "bad parenting" going on and some tampons for your vagina. Because you seem like a real little bitch to me.

I gotta go hug some unruly white, latino, black, purple and polka-dot kids now. I am out!

52 comments:

Jennifer said...

Thank you H-Bomb! When I read his email it pissed me off too! He doesn't know what the hell was up with that kid, maybe he s a good kid and having a lil bout of hyper at that moment, which is my momma didn't do much about it. He could like you said had problems of some kind or fuck just been tired! One thing Ive learned from having three kids... You pick your fuckin battles man! This creep needs a healthy dose of DHS inspection man he scares me ! Fact is he probably doesn't even do the caring and disipline (sp?) for his kids.

Mrs. Krazy said...

Hahahahaha!!!! Well fucking said!!!

Anonymous said...

I loved every freakin' word of this! God, I hope he responds so you can rip into him once more.

Anonymous said...

Glad you set him straight! I pray for his kid. Maybe the mom will take the kid and run. They'd be better off without his dumb ass

Anonymous said...

Fuck YES!!! U get it girl!! And gonna call the WHITE kid big earred!?? Fuckin punk! Go suck on a big fat tit! Stupid MF

Anonymous said...

And my bad.. ELF ears.. Thats much better than big.. Ugh mf pissed me off

larry said...

So your answer was baised because of race, really give me a fucking break, I think you need a tampon for getting offended of the truth, white people need to educate their children, I see this shit at the stores all the fucking time, black people need to shut the fuck up at the theaters, and undocumented latinos need to get the fuck out. With that said my friend I think is ok to grab DAKOTA by the ear and give her a good old spanking. Kids need manners, education and culture. I'm 27 years old now and I have never raised my voice to my mother or father I respect them. And yes I did get my ass whipped several times by them. I hope your pussy don't bleed after reading this. Google the following "CHINGA TU MADRE."

Kristen said...

Racist remarks aside, that guy has a point. Parents let their kids roam free in Wal-mart stores. Let them terrorize the place, and then I can't get my damn shopping done. I feel so sorry for the children who have to be brought up by folks that shouldn't have bred in the first place. I am a mother of two, and I totally chose their playmates based on the parents.

drs104 said...

What a fucking douchebag! Who does thos ass-clown think he is? Dude needs a fuckin karate chop in the windpipe...hope his wife is blowin the next door neighbor while he's at the store...then makes out with him...baglapper!

Anonymous said...

Really larry? White people need to educate their kids? Really? Dunno about the rest of you but i personally would like to educate ALL kids. Your a fucking idiot. Google this larry " my balls on yer chin"

Anonymous said...

Wow. What a waste of time. You're butthurt because he mentioned white people and their lack of parental discipline? Seriously? No wonder you're all pissed; the truth HURTS, simple bitches! Haha, get raped, losers.

Jalenemarie said...

LMAO- WOooooooooW! ...wait¡ ..soooo.. hold thee phone.. HE offended YOU bc your white ¿ o_O your damn moniker is " in the mind of a ghetto genius" - what exactly defines or deems one ghetto??
..now mind you i do get quite a hearty chuckle from some of your teams material but! to be offended by someone who reads & loves your daily satirical antics is LUDICROUSLY IRONIC & HYPOCRITICALLY SUSPECT o_O. .. "we say what's on our minds ,we're honest , we're funny & quite frankly we just don't give a fuck". & NOoooW you want to give a fuck.. .cry me a Fucking riverrrr- that shit is too damn funny HISTORICALLY LMAO!

Anonymous said...

I agree. Sure he sed white people bt that's cz he's nt white . Plenty of people LET THEIR FUTURE ADULTS DO WHATEVER THEY WANT EVEN TO STRANGERS. I'm half white nd I didn't take offense. My mom didn't let me do what I want. The whole harming a child thing... A slap or spanking is exactly like a mind fucking pinch under the table so gtfo w that "oh yu harm the children ??" I also hate it wen kids go crazy bt its equally as bad wen the parent also goes crazy. Discipline w love and how about NOBODY lose their temper ?? Ehh ? Eeehhhh????

Anonymous said...

First off Larry, dont speak to people about educating their children when youre the dumb mother fucker that couldnt form a sentence structurally for the first 10 fucking lines. Secondly, Ill fly to where ever youre from and give you a lesson on culture because obviously youre an ignorant maladapted social deviant that probably has more dark secerets than most serial killing rapists. Lasty, get fucked you pussy. No wonder your wife send you away because she most def needs a good stern fucking from a real man so she can deal with your pathetic ass when you get back with the groceries she most certainly bought. Anyone else remember the meaning of the phrase "just wait til your Dad comes home"? I do and I also remember not pulling that shit again. White, black, latino, asian or whatever, we all are responsible for ourselves. Maybe you shouldnt be out trying to save the world and focus on your own faults. Just sayin... You mad brah?!
-D Rock

Anonymous said...

Lmao el alacran wasn't expecting a gringo behind that screen!!

Anonymous said...

Well lets see i am white and i have always been taught to be color blind to race with that said Omg some of the comments agreeing with this guy are just bat shit crazy.. I have an 18 yrs and a 15yrs old kids (I was a teenage mother, judge me if you want).. They have never acted up in a store nor anywhere else we went and i have never had to spank them because I raised them with respect. I have 2 awesome kids my oldest has a job and a internship and my youngest is in ROTC and is going to join the military when he is old enough. With all that said I was raised where i got beat everyday beat not spanked till i bled. And that only made rebel more. So shut the fuck up and worry about your own kids and ones without kids have no right to say shit to any parent till you walk a mile in there shoe

Sephezade said...

I see I missed the butthurt special at the Mart this week...

Anonymous said...

@Jalenemarie are you speaking english?

klep said...

I don't think El Alacran was being racist...I think he was just speaking from a place of frustration based based on his personal experiences. It is quite frustrating to go to a store and have to deal with other people's children pushing, running, hitting,etc.

What bothers me the most is that H Bomb is so offended by everything this poster wrote. Furthermore, you are apalled against hurting children (which Alacran never admits to doing) yet it is okay for MA and G-ma to use physical discipline?

Anonymous said...

D Rock ^ that was hilarious. I love you ;)

Jalenemarie said...

@Anonymous
Que? «-- Spanish
Mueos? «-- Korean
Quoi? «-- French
Nani? «-- Japanese
Vad? «-- Swedish
Nini? «-- Swahili

Anonymous said...

As the mother of an autistic child, there are times when you're out shopping & the kid just gets overloaded with sensory input and they seem to "freak out". If this asshole tried to grab MY child to discipline him, well he'd get fucked up by me. Fact is you don't know what the problem is...
As a cashier at a large retailer, there are a lot of parents out there who need to start giving their kids some form of discipline. And that goes for EVERY race...

Anonymous said...

Larry, I hope one day you have children. I also hope they are bad at the store for you & a stranger walks over and spanks them.... lets see how you feel then. Why the fuck would you think its ok to beat someone elses child?? are you really that much of a fucking douchebag?

H-Bomb said...

To Anonymous with the Autistic child: Light it up Blue :)

Anonymous said...

i hate FAT WHITE FUCKING AMERICANS!! bunch of fucking retards.Mcdonalds is making you fucking stupid. FAT FUCKS!!!!!

larry said...

It is not ok to beat up some one elses kid, i said your own, you stupid cunt.

Anonymous said...

Some people just need to be checked. I believe that the ghetto genious needs to sign me cuz id love to respond to ignorance like this on the reg! -D Rock

Anonymous said...

Your posts just scream "im uneducated and dont give a fuck!" Thank God my tax dollars arent being wasted on you... Unfortunately, like the ghetto genius said, I can tell they will be paying for your childs rehabilitation due to the fact that you have no idea what the FUCK being a father means.
-Your biggest hater, D Rock.

Shay said...

I love it how you manage to find a way to say what everyone else is thinking, in away that puts people to shame in the process. you're a funny mother fucker and your honesty is refreshing. Reading your blogs makes me one happy girl.

Kristen said...

This should close the argument:

http://www.ghettogenius.com/2010/12/costco-wholey-sht.html

H-Bomb said...

D-Rock, wanna make a baby and let it run around Wal-Mart, butt-ass nekkid, while we sit in the camping section drinking Schlitz from a can???

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha Im down hit every walmart until this cocksucker shows himself.
-D Rock

Anonymous said...

P.S. i sent jwunder an email. Now you have my direct contact and can facebook me or email just incase youd like an alternate opinion haha! I know you dont need help but This shit is just too good!!!

L-Train said...

Good, bad or ugly, our fans are some passionate motherfuckers. It's a shame about the haters, though. Natural selection takes care of that shit.

Anonymous said...

H-Bomb and D-Rock you guys can borrow my 3 year old! Mama needs a day off!

Kathy said...

Im a cashier at a very busy retailer and what I want to know is can we "discipline" the adults when they are acting like 5 yr olds?? I swear they are way worse than the kids!! It's not MY fault that something wrecked your fucking day so why do you need to be all up in my face screaming or throwing shit for whatever your lame ass reason may be... So as per this fuckwad's letter, now i can yell & throw shit back at the "adults"??!!

Jdubbb said...

Whoa! Some of these comments are straight up batshit crazy! That being said.. I am a single mom of two mostly well behaved kids.(in public) But they can throw my ass for a loop every now and then. When they decide to show their ass in a store.. Guess what this momandem does. I fucking leave. End of story. Aaaand, they get it. I don't mean get it like the ass whooppin some of these people were suggesting. I mean they understand that when we leave that store with no food, no toys, not even a single sheet of toilet paper, they regognize that mama aint gonna reward bad ass kids! ~ De nada

Oh and WTF does Mcdonalds have to do with any of this? See..Batshit cray cray!

Anonymous said...

This shit is too funny!! But you have to agree with this d-bags letter to a point. How many parents let their kids do whatever they want in the stores? You just look over at the parent and they have no control. Without even getting involved if the kid has issues or not. But I give mad props to all parents who got their kids in check.

L.A. Are said...

Please go forth and choke on the FATTEST PENIS COVERED IN WTF....JUST DIE SLOWLY AND PAINFULLY. HMPH!

L.A. Are said...

I'm 26, single, never had a kid and personally I detest kids but this nigga right here makes me wanna judo chop him in his taint. WTF?! Is yo fucking damage?! They are NOT YOUR KIDS! I actually feel bad for your children based on this letter you seem like you should have been swallowed or taken up the ass bro. I hate kids they make my skin crawl but NEVER have I contemplated throwing a price tag on their head and selling them. You need assistance! Holy Fuck dewd. SMGDFH!

Anonymous said...

Fuck kids..period! Can't stand them and live a life free of having any. Kids are nothing but a pain in the ass!

The writer has a point. Parents don't discipline their kids enough it seems. As for parents chiming in about their "little princes or princesses" I could give two shits about your punk ass child. Fuck the selfish assholes having kids and fuck their offspring too!

Joana said...

Larry,
racism isn't education. it is ignorance.
"I'm 27 years old now and I have never raised my voice to my mother or father I respect them. And yes I did get my ass whipped several times by them."
I'll tell you one thing: I'm 21 years old now and I have never raised my voice to my mother or father I respect them. And no I did NOT get my ass whipped several times by them. Education is about principles, darling. No need to use force. i feel bad for you

PaePae said...

Lol@ natural selection. One can only hope.

Anonymous said...

Some real ghetto ass people on here ...

Kel said...

Ha Kristen well done funny shit , how can this blog condemn this man after publishing this post ?! For all u others that missed it , check this post out then get back to me about whinging about other peoples kids !

http://www.ghettogenius.com/2010/12/costco-wholey-sht.html

Sorry guys love your blog but u kinda messed up this time ;)

Anonymous said...

Considering the Costco post and this post were written by two different people based on different opinions, Kristen's point is invalid. Fucking idiots.

Anonymous said...

Poster is a racist idiot. Point said. However, too often are children allowed to throw fits and scream in the store because they KNOW they can get away with it. And they will use it on the parent or person who they know will allow them to do so.

For example, the first time I watched my boyfriend's son, we went to the store and he demanded toys and candy, then tried to manipulate me by saying "But my mommy always gets me that..." I wasn't buying that shit and warned him to knock that crap off or we will visit the car for a time out. Later down the line, he threw a fit, crying cause he didn't get his way. I stood his ass up, told him to bend over and I gave him one open hand whop on the butt.

But you know what? After that, he has been very respectful towards me. I don't give into the games that many parents can't seem to put an end to. His dad and I are both Military. We don't fuck around with bad behavior. But we try to limit changes and keep to a schedule that his son is used to and finds comfort in.

His egg donor on the other hand is a ghetto wanna-be white trash female who almost killed her first son, and had a second one to avoid paying child support and to get on state assistance. She doesn't have the discipline to keep her kids in line and unfortunately it's hard on my boyfriend's son.

So, yeah, EVERY person is different. You don't have a right to say how someone should raise their own child. How you raise your own, that's your own business.

H-Bomb said...

Kel, J-Wunder posted that column. This advice column was written by me. We are two different people who have different opinions. Just like we respect everyone else's right to have a different opinion, we also respect the other contributors different opinions.

So we really didn't "mess up" as you put it, we just posted a counter-point to some thing he posted.

Anonymous said...

i am a white woman who has been a nanny to, preschool teacher of and current proud foster parent of "special" children. i also suffer from ADHD myself. that being said, i have NEVER allowed children to run amok in stores. for their own safety loving guidance and discipline has ALWAYS been my first priority. yes, sometimes children get overwhelmed by all the things going on in the store. it's our job as parents to put aside the shopping list for five minutes or however long it takes to calm them down and help them learn to safely navigate the world around them. sure, it's easier to ignore it because we have other things to do. it saddens me how many parents of ALL races put their own needs ahead of their childrens. showing a child that they are important enough to stop everything and focus on them for a minute makes all the difference in the world.

Anonymous said...

This is not a race issue, this is a stupid people issue....

Anonymous said...

Preach it!

Anonymous said...

Jalenemarie: LMAO Historically???? Hysterically maybe... Historically, not so much!