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Advice Column: I Don't Answer Stupid

Well i been talking to this guy for over 5-6 years i was 15 when i met him shit got seriouse when i turned 19 i guess i matured a bit n wanted to party n loved to drink, of course my outfits where more skanked out than when i was 15, anyways it seems thru the yrs we would get more serious i really dnt know what to call me n him  but where more than friends but not there yet with the bf/gf title n fear or ruining what we have n i'm okay w/ it cause i'm young n we feel when the time is right shit will glue itself together, recently he got locked. i'd write himwhen his bro would spend the night  but i never told him his bro tried to kiss me instead i tried to hook his bro up w/ my roomate up, i decided to spend new years n vegas n his family lives out there so i thought i'd say hi n his sisters where fun, but he kept trying to get us alone he tried sleeping n the same bed n then tried kissing me i told him the shit wouldnt be going down if his ernie was here but now how do i tell ernie what should i do?



Dear Dafuq I Just Read,

No.

Just no. You should have your phone, or whatever the fuck you just tapped on to get this garbled message to me, taken the fuck away.

I have read a goddamn plethora of emails in my two years of blogging, but none are more special than this. I don't know how old you are, nor do I fucking care. Anyone who is anyone that writes into Ghetto Genius Headquarters usually knows what they are getting themselves into. Tell me, how does somebody email me with the subject title, "Haha didnt think i'd do this ur blog is halariouse anyways my dilema," then begin to not only write something that sounds like a toddler wrote it, but use probably some of the worst fucking grammar, spelling, lack of punctuation and think I'm going to be able to translate it and answer their fucking question in a serious manner? How? Why? Are you on drugs? Like a lot of them? I am not even going to ask if you are retarded, because that is an insult to anyone who is.

Obviously, someone from The CREW is punking me. I bet those scurrilous fuckfaces - H-Bomb, Anonymous and The RINGER got all hopped up on A's magic tobaccy and some of that Alize, H is so fond of, BECAUSE NO ONE IS ACTUALLY DUMB ENOUGH TO SEND ME SHIT LIKE THIS.

Real Talk. Fucking Bitches.

I'm not going to answer your question. You wanna know why? Because I don't answer stupid. Let me ask YOU a question...when you were writing this, how on goddamn Motherfucking Earth did you understand what the fuck you were typing, let alone saying? Was it one of those things where you were typing faster than what you were thinking or vice-versa? Because if that was the case, you need some serious fucking help keeping everything together. Talk about putting the cart before the horse. It's like you took a shit without opening your anus then pissed all over it from your titties.

I'm not a grammar Nazi in any sense of the word. I'm also not an English major or professor. Matter of fact, I hate English, I've read three books in my entire fucking life and I hate to write. How-the-fuck-ever, when I started this blog I found out, I might actually have some fucking talent. Not much, just some. That said, the one and most important thing I reminded myself of was this:

DON'T SOUND LIKE A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER. WRITE SO EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT THE FUCK YOU'RE SAYING, HOW YOU SAY IT AND THAT IT ALL MAKES SENSE.

You my dear, have failed on all three points.

Do you know that it took me half a bottle of tequila, four trips to the bathroom and roughly 12-15 times to read your email to even catch a fucking glimpse of what you were saying? As I'm writing this, completely sober, I am more confused now than I was the day I nearly drank myself to death because that train wreck you decided to call an email.

Please, please, PLEASE, tell me you have not procreated. I cannot even begin to fathom a world where you have spawned something that has a .00094516 chance of being as ignorant and simple as you. If you have, I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

As simply as I can put this, you are everything that is wrong with this country. You are lazy, ignorant and probably very ugly. You have no concept on how to communicate or behave in the real world. I am guessing that you may not be working at this time, because I can't imagine you filling out an application or resume if you think that what you wrote above is acceptable writing. If I saw you in public, I would probably try to Falcon Punch you, especially if you speak as stupidly as you write. LOL, motherfucker.
   
I have never suggested that someone kill themselves, because I do think everyone serves some purpose in this world. You do not. Please kill yourself. And never, ever, ever, ever, ever, come round my blog.

All non-jokes aside, this column has probably offended a lot of people. More stupid ones than the ones who are nodding their heads thinking, "That J-Wunder...motherfucker is brutally honest...funny too. I would have said the same shit to this broad." If it has offended you, guess what? I'm not sorry. See, my job along with The CREW's job is simple: HELP THOSE IN NEED OF ADVICE. You emailed me in desperate need of some advice, that said, here is my advice so you can live a better life:

1) GO TO SCHOOL.
2) PICK UP A FUCKING BOOK.
3) PUT DOWN THE TELEVISION REMOTE.
4) DEACTIVATE YOUR FACEBOOK ACCOUNT.
5) CANCEL YOUR CELL PHONE PLAN.
6) STOP SAYING SHIT LIKE "YOLO, SWAG, ETC."
7) ACT YOUR FUCKING AGE.
8) GET A JOB. ONE THAT NEEDS EDUCATED PEOPLE.
9) LEAVE DICK ALONE FOR AT LEAST 12 MONTHS.
10) BE A PART OF US NORMAL MOTHERFUCKERS IN SOCIETY.

Do that and you'll be alright. Oh, if you plan to email me again, make sure you're speaking English and not dumb fuck.

You're welcome.

J-Wunder

Not One Fuck Was Given...

That's the Ticket!

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Advice Column: Parenting 101

Dear J- Wunder & Crew,

I don't know who exactly this goes to, BUUT, I will say that your blog is fuken hilarious. Big props! I got a question for you guys, some needed advice actually. There is a supermarket right around the corner from my house. It's similar to the Wal-Mart Supercenter, where you find everything and urrrthang. I go there almost everyday because, we'll my wife can never make up her damn mind and make one big list. So here the situation, every time I go, there is always a lil bastard that is either yelling at their parents or just being a pain in the ass. I have kids, so I have a tolerance for them. But when parents(white people) don't want to put their kids in line, that shit bothers me. "Come here Dakota... no Dakota, don't run.... away." Sometimes I feel like grabbing little Dakota by the elf ears and putting a price tag on their forehead and putting them on the top shelf, along with the milk. REAL TALK! So of course I'm not going to do anything to anyone else's kid. But maybe something funny for you guys to bring up. jajaja

Thanks for the laughs guys and keep bringin' dat realness!!

-Beto "El Alacran"

(Spanish for the Scorpion)


Dear what is the word for douche bag in Spanish,

When I first started to read your letter I was all "this guy thinks we are hilarious, he must be as smart as we are." However, the more I read the more incensed (J, L, $20 says "El Alacran" needs to Google that word) I became. Are you for-fucking-real here? I often wonder if I get the advice columns that are really people punking us, because in 2012 I find it hard to believe that people this ignorant still exist. Then I remind myself that I live in FL, where stupidity still abounds.

How you managed to be racist, stupid and violent in just a few sentences amazes me. I am all for a good open hand slap - ON AN ADULT, but the fact that you implied that you would want to harm a child is unfathomable (double or nothing, J & L), even under the worst of circumstances. Before I properly address that, I have to point out something that has been niggling at me since I started reading this cock-nuggetry.

With out even meeting your wife, I can already guess why she sends you to the store everyday.

Has anyone else followed me on this journey? I think a few of you have... and you are right. I am willing to bet dollars to doughnuts (I think I need Gambler’s Anonymous) that she does this to get your stupid ass away from her for a few moments. You seem like a weaselly, annoying, kind of fuck-tard, and I bet the sound of your voice alone is like nails on a chalk board to wifey. Does she have band-aids on her ears because they have been bleeding from all your blathering? That’s another bet I am willing to make.

If anyone is wondering why I am so irate right now, here’s why.

First off, I am white, so assuming that white people do not discipline their children is fucking ludicrous, and I don’t mean the rapper. While I did come from a pretty laid-back house hold, if you got lippy or sassy with Ma Dukes you got the back of her hand. Don’t get it twisted, Ma Dukes is cool as fuck, but the minute you took a tone or stepped out of line in the least, she would set your ass straight. And G-Ma Dukes? That lady wrote the book on "I don’t play." She was covert like Black Ops, too - she could discipline you in a store, in a restaurant, on a plane - wherever and whenever, and not a single person knew you were getting pinched on the leg because you even thought about sassing her. If you think white people don’t discipline their kids, think again.

Second, you say you are a parent? Then you should know how fucking crazy kids can be at any given time, for one reason or another no reason at all. You should also realize that until you have walked in another parent's shoes you have NO FUCKING RIGHT to judge another parent. None. Ya dig, son? Do you know if the kid is special needs, ADHD, or just in a really rambunctious mood? No, so just buy your shit and be about your business.

Third, the fact that you even think about harming another child as a "joke" gives me the chills. The bad kind. Sure, we have all been out and either heard the screaming kid or saw the one that threw themselves on the ground in the middle of the store or the one that ran away and is hiding somewhere being a little shit, like all kids are want do. When your perfectly behaved, intellectually superior kid ends up in juvie, pregnant or addicted to drugs, because of your stellar parenting skills, call me so I can laugh my ass of at you, and hell, maybe I will even write you a check for bail or rehab. I would offer to send clothes for the baby, but they would be from people like me (white people) and I wouldn't want my entire races bad parenting to rub off on you. You know that shit is contagious, right?

I bet if some honkey-ass, crazy-cracker-bitch started telling you what to do and how and when to discipline your kids you would be furious. Oh, wait, I am the honkey-ass, crazy-cracker-bitch, doing just that. Not so funny now, is it?

The next time you go to the store add these things to your list: a big bottle of mindyabidness, some ear plugs so you can’t hear all the "bad parenting" going on and some tampons for your vagina. Because you seem like a real little bitch to me.

I gotta go hug some unruly white, latino, black, purple and polka-dot kids now. I am out!

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