Friday, July 6, 2012

Advice Column: The Ol' Alley-Poop


Dear J-Wunder and Crew,

I need your help! And I know you can give it to me straight! Back story...I have a great friend with benefits thing going on. I travel for business, so it's only every few months we get together. And I blow his mind every time. I even let him get in my ass...which is where the problem happened. Last night when he pulled out, a little extra slipped out too. Nothing like that awesome post you had, but enough. He didn't really say anything about it, should I? Or do we pretend it didn't happen?



Dear Shit Brick,

I am sorry you have found yourself in such a shitty situation. Pun Intended. Be prepared for more of those too, because, well, this shit is funny. Normally, talking about dookie gives me a case of the barfs, but when you are talking about a sex-dookie, that kind of shit is straight comedy.

My heart truly goes out to you because I am sure you are so embarrassed that you smudged this guy's wang. And since you are embarrassed, you probably want to make amends for forgetting your Depends. Unfortunately, sweet tits, Hallmark doesn’t make a card for, "Oops, I shit my pants...on your dick," so there is not much you can do to make up for Hershey squirting his dong. Well, you could have sucked his dick right after, but we all know that unless you are a porn star, you never go ass to mouth. EVER.

Speaking of porn stars, the reason you are feeling embarrassed is largely due to the porn industry. I whole heartedly blame them. Why, you ask? Well let me tell you the fuck why: when people fuck in the butt, as we all want to do quite often (ok, only some of us), it is very rarely like what we see in a porno. There is no director telling us where to put our legs, how to throw our head back and give the "fuck me in my doo-doo hole" face, no person fluffing the dick before we get it, so we can just focus on the fucking. We are left to write our own scripts and direct our own version of Butt-Booty-Fiesta 72.

Just think - if there is no one directing your fuckterpiece, then how would you have known ahead of time that someone was going to run a train on your brown eye? You didn’t. You were getting sexed up proper and got all caught up in the moment, with condoms, lube, and hair flying everywhere and I bet you just went for it. In da butt. The balloon knot. The brown eye. The...wait, what? I am sure that while it was happening you weren't even thinking about the shaftermath of what was going to be on dude's dick.

You know why anal sex looks good on camera? Because those bitches know well in advance what is going to be inserted into their butts. They have the opportunity to get enemas, a colonic, a flush or whatever they fuck they need to do to make sure there is no surprise doo-doo brown on camera. It's kind of like when we get our vag waxed, shave our legs or put on a clean pair of pajamas in anticipation of sexy time. We prepare for what we think is going to go down. Not up our ass. Next time, you just need to plan a little better. And maybe take a good shit before hand to clear up the runway.

Now, the most important question: Do you bring up that you pooped on this dude's dick? Sure, if you never want to fuck this guy again. Seriously. I don't care how cool someone is, if they didn't talk about you shitting on their dick, then why the fuck do you want to revisit the crap-tastic experience? I get that you have a little thing for pain. People who like anal have to like a little pain, because no matter how much lube you use or how slow you go, putting something in a hole that is normally an "exit only" is not going to feel fantastic right away. But, that is physical pain and physical pain does not compare to emotional pain, which bringing this up will most definitely cause.

I am going to go out on a limb here and say that if the guy didn’t mention it, it's because of two things:

1 - He didn’t notice it. Which I highly doubt, but I will throw that out there to make you feel a little better. If he didn’t notice it then why the fuck do you want to bring it to light? You don’t, so get the fuck over it and over yourself and continue to let him ride the Pound Town Express right into to your poop shoot. Choo choo mother fucker.

2 - He did notice it, but you just let him stick his dick into your ass, so he is going to give you a pass. Instead of tit for tat he is going shit for shaft. Go with it. Prior to the down-town brown, you probably sexed him pretty good, so why the fuck is he going to mess that up over a little brown goo. It’s not like you shit on his mom, on Mother’s day, in church. Wait, what?

Have I not mentioned before that men are pretty simple creatures? For the record, they are. Pretty much all they want is food, sex and silence. Well, you gave him the sex, so throw him a snack and shut the fuck up about it already. Just don’t give him a Hershey Bar. That would be rude.

I hope you heed this advice and don't get all tight-assed over your shit ass. It's only going to ruin an other wise booty-full relationship. Just keep fucking, ya dig?

H-Bomb


20 comments:

KoolEMac said...

Lol that's awesome, H-Bomb...you are the bomb!

Anonymous said...

I shit my pants.

Shay said...

hahaha! H-Bomb you handled this one gracefully.. Freakin awesome.

Anonymous said...

You play in the sandbox, expect to get a little dirty.

Anonymous said...

True that h-bomb... I had a women that wasnt my gf shit on my dick and around base.. She was really embarassed as should be.. But I stayed calm said its okay.. Went washed off then she did and continued fucking... I thought I was in her pussy but I stuck it in her ass and she didnt tell me to stop think I was drunk.. But yea nigga shit for shaft!!.. She rode me good ,sucked me good, and let me stick in her ass when I didnt even know freaky chick... And lady shoudnt be embarrased real men wouldnt care.. I actually felt like more of a man..lol.. I was thinkn like oooo my dick so big it made her shit! Lol which isnt case I know.. But dnt worry he dnt care..

Anonymous said...

Next to last paragraph was all the truth, I laughed so hard and so loud, it was great! Hershey bar wouldn't be appropriate, especially if it "mysteriously" melts along with everything else in the 110 degree heat.
-Ashley

Anonymous said...

Everyone knows there is nothing wrong with a little butt peanut on the end of your soldier. Just flick it off. Mud on the helmet is a merit badge of its own.

Anonymous said...

LMFAO.. This some funny ass but REAL SHIIT! LITERALLY

Chrystal said...

HAHAHA! I think this response was the cherry on top of the delicious sundae that this blog treats us too, especially with a little added hot fudge! Keep keeping it real, this shit is the best!! Thanks for the wild smiles!

Anonymous said...

I agree....what the hell does a man expect! Ur gonna get a honey on the spoon if u stick it in the pot! Woman can't just keep our ass canal clear so this won't happen...."cleaning out" takes time....I don't know bout ya'll but I'm not about to o.d on a laxative to blow my ass hole out just so u don't get shit on ur dick! Man up and shut up! And no need to bring it up....so u shit on his dick? ....And....he's lucky that's all that happened! Lmao! Love this blog! Keep up the dirty work, someone has to!

O Evil One... said...

Gotta love a cock up the shoot!

Tee Bee said...

That happened to me once. But I wasn't embarrassed. Because shit happens. Lol

Anonymous said...

H-Bomb, thank you! Not a word has been spoken, and I'll keep it that way ;)

H-Bomb said...

You are welcome! Glad I could be of service!!!!

Anonymous said...

That was truly the most disgusting and most hilarious thing I have ever read!

Anonymous said...

Well if he ever brings it up at least she can tell him he fucked the shit out of her - literally lmao

Bonnie Wilkinson said...

"just don't give him a Hershey bar!" HAAAAAA!

Anonymous said...

Puckered starfish,
Rusty sheriff's badge !
Wrinkled Penny!

Anonymous said...

I'm what's known as a "fag hag"...or for better terms, a "fruit fly"...I love me some gay boys! Lol! Anyways, although I've never taken the 'Hershey Express' I happen to be highly educated on the downtown doo doo brown. And its very correct as stated--any clean gay man, or what you see on porn is the makings of a pre-planned event. If there's a possibility, and you're not sure if you're gonna let him poke the one-eyed willy....FLEET bitch, FLEET!! If the first one don't have you runnin clean & clear, do a second! Your time is limited though..you only have a couple hours to get banged out! LMAO. So if your dinner comes with a side of dick, get it smackin, then get it crackin....don't get caught in a shitty situation! Bwahahahaha....

Anonymous said...

Holy fucking shit all I needed to read was "Dear Shit Brick," and I lost it.

Love Cheezewhiz