Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Advice Column: Sensitive Bitchassness of the Sandy Vagina

Dear Ghetto Genius crew,

Im about to lose my fucking mind at my current job. Its coming to the point when i dont give a shit about anything and im about to beat the shit out of everyone i see for no fucking reason. I just got promoted and its almost like everyone is trying my patience by bringing up useless bullshit for reason 1) they are plotting against me to drive me crazy. 2) they really need my help and they are that fucking useless. A little thing about myself is that i have a little childhood anger problems that have not gone away. I have just learned to control myself. Lets face it, there are certain things that the laws that prevent me from doing what i want. Plus i dont like jail. I heard a crazy rumor that people get sexually assault or something like that. But the point is in my teenage years I was a guy who didnt take shit from nobody. Now being in the adult world, people are taking are spreading there cheeks and giving me a Clevland steamer. I need to know if its just me and im acting like Mary pussy Poppings or are people really trying to piss me off to when i decide i to go all "Taliban" and fuck there world up. Do i need to channell my anger ( i get pissed kinda easy) or do i need to go back to my weed smoking/ Akunamatata/ dont give a fuck cuz a fuck i dont i dont give ways. I dont wanna mess up my millitary career my letting a few people i dont give 1 fuck, 2 who the hell cares, and 3 shits about and messing up all the hard work i put in to controling myself over the last 22 years of my awesome life (lol). Please help

Respectfully/Angryly Sent
From " Does Wayne Brady have to choke/stab/shoot a bitch"


Damn man, did you have to pick the longest fucking sign-off in the history of letters or what?! Our fearless leader hit me up today because he felt I'm dragging ass (once again) and needed to write something and thought your email was right up my alley. Thanks, J. Fucking dick. Anyway, I read this and thought, "This fucking dude is talking like a crazy mother fucker. I got this." So here we are, ass munch. I'm here to answer your question and hope you don't go and kill someone because honestly, you got some fucking issues. But first, let me tell you a little story...

It was 1995. I was in the 10th grade. I was Mister Popular. Had everything a kid my age could ever want - friends, virgin pussy, Nintendo 64 (or was it Super Nintendo?). Whatever the fuck it was, I felt like I was living the life and the American fucking dream. Although, there was one little problem: I was a little bit of a head case. Or what I like to refer as: Sensitive Bitchassness of the Sandy Vagina. I had a temper problem. A bad one. I'm not sure where I got it from considering my dad was like Ward fucking Cleaver and my mom...well, my mom was an ex-stripper. But if you were to ask her that today, she would say she was a ballet dancer. Let's be honest people, the only ballet she was doing was probably swan dives on that cock. No mom should be coming home from "work" looking like David fucking Bowie in the movie "Labyrinth". All fucking glittery and shit, smelling like exotic oils, Old Spice, vanilla rum with hair so fucked up, you would have thought she got attacked by a pack of fucking wolves. Thanks mom for being a complete, utter and awesome you, bitch titties. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, I was a sensitive and angry mother fucker growing up.

I never thought I was over the top. Sure I may have slapped a few kids across the face with a Big Slam of Pepsi and stole their lunch money because they were telling me how to solve a math problem, and sure I may have dropkicked the Vice Principal in the ding-a-ling because he mistaken me for a Spice Girl one Halloween. I wasn't THAT bad...until that April afternoon in my Humanities class.

My good buddy Jeremy was in that class. We were troublemakers. We never shut the fuck up. We never listened and honestly, just didn't give two fucks. We were THOSE guys that you wanted to dick punch so bad that you wouldn't feel bad if we choked on our own balls. True story. Anyway, one day, we were playing the ruler game. You remember the ruler game, right? You place a ruler on your hand and if the person can pick up the ruler and slap you on the hand with it without missing before you move your hand out of the way, they get to go again. This game was probably the stupidest fucking game ever invented by stupid fucking people. That's why we loved it and played it every 5th period. Just so happens on this very day, Jeremy felt my wrath with a #2 pencil.

Not to bore the shit out of you people but basically, Jeremy was kicking my ass at the ruler game. So much that my left hand was started to look like my left ass cheek - swollen, bruised and just fucked up. I was irritated and annoyed. I HATE fucking losing. Especially to someone who looks like he's the cross between Eric Stoltz in the movie "Mask" and a vagina that has seen one too many gang bangs at Dennis Rodman's house. Real talk.

I couldn't take it any more. I had to find some way to beat him or I was gonna blow. But chance after chance I had, I lost and the pain was getting worse. So I did what any 15 year old kid with a case of Sensitive Bitchassness of the Sandy Vagina would do...I stabbed that fat fuck with my #2 pencil. Right in the goddamn stomach. I don't know why, I don't know how, I just stabbed him "American Me" style. Worst part, after I stabbed him, the pencil broke leaving about 2 inches of pencil lodged in his belly and me, wondering what the fuck did I just do to my best buddy. We head to the bathroom and shit just got worse...

Trying to be all calm, Jeremy starts to scream like a little bitch. I have no idea what to say so I slap him across the face and tell him to stop's not like he's dying and shit. The only thing he could say was, "Did you not fucking notice the two inches of fucking wood that has penetrated through my fucking stomach from you?!" I start to turn white because I'm noticing that the pencil I stabbed him with is stuck in this bastard pretty fucking good. So without even thinking, I start to laugh. Jeremy's not amused. He actually starts to pull out the pencil. What seemed like eternity took 15 seconds to remove and then it happened...I threw up on Jeremy. All over the mother fucker. On his chest, new Jordan's, Guess jeans, chain wallet do-hickey-thing-a-ma-jigger. Remember those fucking things? Dude was a goddamn mess. All because I lost my shit and thought, "If I stab him, I win and the game is over. Seems legit. Do it." Surprisingly enough, Jeremy was cool and forgave me. Then about 2 months later, he fucks my sister and leaves cum in my shirt drawer. BTW - do you know what it feels like when you wear a weeks worth of shirts and don't even notice that you have goddamn jizz all over yourself? Teachers were looking at me like I was filming porn at my house. Not only that, it just solidified the fact that my mom was indeed a stripper and was probably fucking all the male teachers at my high school.


All this went down because I had a severe case of Sensitive Bitchassness of the Sandy Vagina.

You my crazy fucking friend sound like me growing up. Do you want to be that guy that stabs people with a pencil, realize what you've done only to make the situation worse then get Karmacized (new're welcome) because of your dumb ass actions? If the answer is yes, then I suggest you just go postal and start unloading on mother fuckers and do whatever crazy fucks like you do. I would probably guess you start throwing shit, cussing really loud and breaking shit like you really are pissed off. If the answer is no, then smoke more weed, find your inner self, then go to church and ask the priest to help you see the light...but not in a Jerry Sandusky kind of way. Wait, what? Too soon?

I was angry like you are now. It didn't pay off because look what happened: Jeremy got hurt, a new pair of Jordan's were ruined, my sister was de-virginized and  I walked around campus for a week with millions of dried up babies thinking that it was just too much soap from the washer.

Don't be that guy to walk around with dried fucking cum on your shirts for a whole week. Lighten the fuck up, chill the fuck out, enjoy your job and don't let your crazy inner self get the best of you. We live in a world where shit happens. Don't get shit on unless it's from my mom, the stripper.

I know none of this made any sense but guess what? I don't care and neither does anyone else. Selfish fuck.

Fuck Bitches and Get Paid,



Anonymous said...

Ur gay

Anonymous said...

Ur mum gave me herpes that's right mum. Keep it Aussie yall

Anonymous said...

:) thank you Ringer for making this world a better fucking place

Anonymous said...

this was terrible/ JWUN should have just fired your weak ass instead of letting you write this BS! Booooooo!!! you suck motherfucker this was so WEAK! THUMBS DOWN

mina said...

funny as hell ! I like the fact that after all your ranting you did give good advice :-)

Anonymous said...

Awesome! Truly entertaining!

Anonymous said...

dope. ringer you speak true keep it up

Anonymous said...

awesome pure 100% uncut grade A awesome