Monday, July 23, 2012

Rapid Fire with J-Wunder

In this edition of Rapid Fire: Everything from Betty White to Speedos to the dumbest bet I've ever taken. You got questions, I have goddamn answers. Enjoy!

1. If you had to sleep with Betty White or Justin Timberlake to save your life, who would you pick?

JW: I ain't gonna lie, JT is my boy. Dude is a good ass actor and the cat is good looking. Don't get it twisted though, I ain't gay and couldn't see my beautiful self touching a man who was also good looking. Maybe if you put Prince in this equation I'd consider his Little Red Corvette ass because...wait, what the fuck am I talking about?! This is a fucked up question. I'm gonna bone Betty White and have her save my life for the following reasons: 1) She's a Golden Girl. Truth be told, my moms had me watch that shit growing up and it was either them or that bitch from Murder She Wrote that I had to think about when jerking off, 2) She's a woman, who has a vagina. I don't care if she's 126...her mud flaps may be used and abused but there is something called a paper bag, KY and an imagination and 3) She's Betty fucking White...tell me what dude wouldn't fuck Betty White because she eats goddamn Snickers?! I'm just saying'. Oh, and she wouldn't save me, but who the fuck cares. I died fucking Betty White. Next.

2. What is the dumbest bet you've ever taken?

JW: The better question is, what's the smartest bet I've ever taken? Answer: None. I'm a stupid mother fucker when it comes to taking a bet. You could bet me that  1+1 = 2 and you know what? I'd find some fucking way to fuck that bet up and lose. Real talk. Betting is exhilarating. So exhilarating that I have no chance of winning. Why? Because I just know how to fuck shit up. Now, if we were talking about drinking or something like, "how many chicks could you bang in one night...this includes ugly and blind people," then I got a fighting chance. Otherwise, I'll lose. Even when I know I'll lose. Pretty fucked up, right?

3. What is #1's phone number?

JW: 415-NONEOFYOURGODDAMNBUSINESS. Look, for the first time in my life, I found a broad who not only made my face numb while sucking my wang like it was the last Tootsie Pop on earth, BUT jerked me off better than I jerk myself off. Once you strike gold, you ain't sharing shit. I'm a greedy mother fucker. True fucking story. You could be the finest bitch on the block and ask me to have a threesome with #1. You know what's gonna happen when you ask me? I'm gonna cut you, piss on your back, steal your purse and heels then slap your ass in the face with a handful of baby powder. That's how I roll.

4. When is it a good time on a date to tell the other person you'd like to stop the small talk and get down to business?

JW: This right here is a trick fucking question. When drunk: Go for it...any time is a good time. When sober: All depends on how well your Jedi-Mind shit is working. If you can get the person to look into your eyes the whole conversation - DO IT. Now that I think about it, I have no fucking idea if there is a bad time because every time I've done that shit, I've been fucking drunk. I can't believe I've never asked a woman if they would bone me while we were both sober. That is fucking awesome!

5. Favorite kind of lingerie a girl can wear?

JW: The naked kind.

6. How is it at all comfortable for guys to sag their pants below their ass?

JW: Let's be honest...that shit was the shit back in the day. I remember when I did it from 1993-1996. Sure it looked like I shit myself but you know what? Pimpin' ain't easy. Nowadays, the art form of the "sag" isn't how it used to be. Mother fuckers have their shit down to their knees and ankles. Makes me want to say, "Hey homie, why the fuck are you wearing pants? Looks like your ass got done doing a quickie in the break room. Pull your fucking pants up from your ankles mother fucker...or just don't wear pants." The question I have is, how and why do mother fuckers with skinny jeans try to sag their pants? That's reason to get your ass kicked.

7. Speedos.....good, bad, or just plain wrong?

JW: I'm convinced Speedos are the alternative version of the "manscape". When you "manscape", your dick looks like it grew about 4 inches and your balls dropped down about 2.5 inches. Big ass dong but not really, right? Hanging and just kickin' it, waiting for lady luck to show up and greet you with a little game of, "Is his cock really that big?" With Speedos, that shit is packed in like sardines in a can. So you get like a mixture of cock and balls in a confined area...mixed that shit in with a hairy ass bush, you got yourselves a dick that's the size of a goddamn fruit salad and shit. I don't like my shit looking like a fruit salad. I like my shit looking like a big ass linguica ready to be eaten. Ya heard?

8. Why did I see a three year old girl wearing knee high boots today?

JW: You know why? Because some parents shouldn't be fucking parents. Today's kids look like young ass trash...can't blame the kids though because they don't know any fucking better. It's those goddamn parents that think that shit is fucking "cute" and "adorable". I'm all for kids looking cute and shit but if they look like a fucking stripper, there's a 92% chance I'm gonna punch that parent in the throat and an 8% chance I'm gonna pee in their mouth. Ok, that was a little overboard...but you get what I'm saying. Kids need to act and dress like fucking kids...not like 2 dollar sluts who idolize Ke$ha and use tether ball poles for strip teases. You laugh but that's the truth. Just watch that show 16 and Pregnant. Fuck birth control, watch that shit and you're ass will be scared fucking straight.

9. Chocolate or caramel?

JW: All depends on what you're putting on your body for me to lick off. See what I did there? I gave you the answer you wanted. Such a naughty little fan. Shame on you for being so dirty. But not shame on you for wanting to have sex with me. That shit is never a bad thing.

10. Wanna grab a drink?

JW: Do you wanna fuck? If the answer is yes, I'll absolutely grab a drink. If the answer is no, then we should grab a drink so we can change that answer to YES. Drunken words are sober thoughts. And what your thoughts are should be nothing short of, "I'm gonna bang this matter how drunk he gets me." You're welcome.


Henzo said...

69 % of parents need a good punch in the throat and piss in the face lol

Shay Baby said...

Reading this was the perfect way to start my day... I love you guys.

Abby said...

Not sure why there is even a dislike option!

Anonymous said...

Love #6!! As a hs teacher in a ghetto school, the only line I repeat all day every day is "Pull your pants up son! Nobody wants to see that." If they don't have a belt to tighten, they get a zip tie for the day. The only things worse are the saggin' skinny jeans and the lesbians with saggin' pants. I'm not saying you gotta pull your pants up to your nipples, but you gotta draw the line somewhere...damn!