Friday, August 17, 2012

Advice Column: Get It Together Soldier


I need some damn advice. I got married last August to an awesome woman and immediately after getting married I got deployed to Iraq. Everything was fantastic while I was deployed, all the way up until I got back to states and we got a house together. Things changed somehow when we got back, almost as if that spark and warmth wasn't there, now bare with me I'm not trying to get all fuckin emo, but I love this woman to death and she has recently confronted me about how I don't take my time on her even when it comes to sex and if the shit don't change she's gonna leave me. Honestly, since I came back from Iraq I've almost become this lazy and less passionate person towards everybody. The last thing I wanna do is lose wife because I've been a piece shit. So if u will.... one of genius mother fuckers over there give me some sort of direction, advice, fuck something! Cause I need help.




Dear No More Bombs over Baghdad,

I hear you wanted me to specifically answer this romantically query. Thanks for that, dude. The thing about me and my advice is that it is a little like anal sex; if you force it, it is not really fun for anyone and is more painful for the receiver than the giver. So, sorry that it took me so long to respond. I have been going back and forth with your sitch in my brain and I have metaphorically lubed up my mind, so that my thoughtsicles slip right out with an ever so delicate 'pop' (you know the sound you make when you put your forefinger in your mouth and make that pop noise) and into your eyeballs for you to do whatever you will with my advice.

Saddle up, buckeroo, you are in for a ride.

So you love your girl "to death?" I am not even going to get into how loving someone to death is the most goddamn retarded thing you can say about your affection for someone. You love someone so much you literally want to smother them with a pillow? Nice, Buffalo Bill. You gonna make a vest with tits when you are done "loving me to death?" And now I am off track. Fuck cat. OK, back to advice. You love your girl a whole lot, but ever since you got back from Iraq, you are having a hard time playing house? You take her for granted, you are a shitty husband and all that marriage meow meow which reminds me of why I am so happily single?

Welcome to fucking marriage! I guess no one explained to you that when you get married, no matter how long you were together prior to getting married, that little piece of paper DOES change shit. Real Talk. I know this to be the gospel from my fingers to your eyes, because I actually have friends who subscribe to the philosophy that the institution of marriage is a wonderful thing and people should do it for love and it is a forever bond, and now I am bored I am bored, again. But seriously, one of my oldest and dearest friends and her hubby have been together since basically the land before time and married for less years then they were not married. You following what I'm casting out here? Even though they had been together since before the Rolling Stones were a band, when they got married SHIT CHANGED. They lived in the same house, went to the same jobs, drove the same cars and took shits at precisely the same times everyday, but something changed when they went from being engaged to married. As I am not a) married b) a college graduate or c) a therapist, I cannot say for certain what changed, but something changed. I know this because, uh oh yeah...bitches talk to each other about this shit. Especially if they have been friends since before they got periods.

Oh, hey remember that part where you said you went to war? Yeah, I didn't forget that, either. You went to fucking war! Have I said thank you for that? THANK YOU! And that is the mother licking realest talk ever. READERS: I don't care what side of the political spectrum someone is on; when you see or talk to a vet, you had best say thank you or I will personally open-hand slap you for being disrespectful to someone who willingly gave up their freedom, so I can sit here in my underwear and Dave Matthews Band T-Shirt, and type nonsense to fill the minutes of our mundane days. I am done being all white girl Al Sharpton and preaching, but I take service in any branch of the armed services serious, so don't let me find out you didn't keep it 100 when you were talking to a member of said armed services.

Back to you Brokedick Mountain, I don't care if you are the hardest mother fucker this side of Mr T. and The Rock having a baby, and that baby is you. Another thing I have never done is go to war, but once again, I have friends that have, and from what they told me, war is in fact, hell. I am sure you saw some shit over there that you can't un-see and did some things that might still wake you up at night, pissing the bed. The fact that you came back and can see that you are kinda fucking up your marriage is what is keeping me from tearing you a new one and calling you a bitch ass, trick ass, mark ass, candy ass, bitch boy who needs to get his ass kicked and his wife fucked, by me and the whole crew. Also, I may or may not be afraid of you coming to kill me for talking too much shit as I am wanting to do.

I am thinking that you may have left your mojo in Iraq. Since I don't have enough frequent flyer miles to give to you to go back and find your groove, Stella, I am going to have to hope you can channel some of the inner freak and part-time romantic (if you tell anyone I have a heart that actually beats blood I will pull your eyeballs out and make you look at your own skull, ba-leed dat!) that I have inside me, like some shit from Ghost or something. I don't know where I am really going with this, but follow me down this yellow brick road and hopefully when we get to the Land of Oz, the Wizard can give me a brain and you some mojo.

First off, you might want to get some counseling for PTSD. That is some real ass shit and not something to fuck with. It can fry your brain like a short order cook at Denny's does eggs. It can make you think something is purple when you know for a fact it is a waffle. You are going to need to get your head right before you can get right with your girl. If she is the awesome ass girl you say she is, she is going to fight for this marriage like you fought for us in Iraq. You might have checked out because you came back from war with some crossed wires and what not, but where the fuck is her sensitivity chip when it comes to what you have been through? I might have to pay her a visit and tell her she needs to lock it the fuck up and treat her solider with a little fucking respect. Ya heard?

Whilst you are heading my advice to go see the lay down doctor, you need to also start trying to make an effort to correct the things that you feel you are capable of working on at this time. This shit didn't happen to you over night, so it isn't going to get undone over night. Make her a nice dinner, throw on a little Barry White, pop open your nicest bottle of Asti Spumante and TRY to be a human and not the war-robot you have become. A few days later, try cleaning the house or doing something to show her you appreciate her and all that she sacrificed when you were gone. And I get that she sacrificed, too. Don't think that this is all about sexing her up, either. Yes, she is complaining about physical intimacy and that you seem to have checked out, but most of the time when someone checks out during sex it is a result of the culmination of other issues that have been building. This is about creating a foundation in which will help your marriage blossom, not just a 14 hour tantric sex session that would make Sting envious. Remember how you went to Basic Training when you joined whatever branch you joined? You need to take your ass back to Marriage Bootcamp and get right, before you get left, mother fucker.

Start doing drills, getting up early and fighting for you marriage like you fought for this country. And remember, sometimes you lose the battle, but if you keep fighting, you just might win the goddamn war.

Normally, I would close with a BOOM, but as that might cause more PTSD for you, I am just going to KAPLOW, like an old comic book.

Y'all come back now, ya hear?

H-Bomb

30 comments:

Anonymous said...

How can I send you a request for advice? I don't see a message option on your page?

Anonymous said...

Fucking genius! (as I dance around the living
room in my underwear and a billabong t- shirt)

nick riley said...

Fucking great H Bomb! Fucking great

Melissa said...

Not the you give a fuck but good advice, if y'all want the marriage, you both have to be willing to fight for it!! That's the only way it works!!

L-Train said...

There are not enough ways for me to love this column. We should change your name to Truth Bomb.

Absolutely amazing.

L-Train said...

p.s. Whore.

Angelam1824 said...

Good advice on the getting help for PTSD. There are lots of great places to get help, and it doesn't always show up the same way. And needing help DOESN'T make you crazy.

H-Bomb said...

L-Train, there is one way for you to love this column... SIT.ON.MY.FACE. WHORE!

Melissa, I 150% give a fuck- Thank you to all of you for giving enough of a fuck to comment XO

Anonymous said...

The fact that you said you were in your undies and DMB t shirt said it all. That Sting would be envious of a 14 hour tantric lovefest was the cherry on top. And the love for our vets was the pretty sprinkles that make things nice. Please bring more! Much love.

Mike said...

Dump the bitch !!!

Silly said...

Loved the "get right before you get left" as well as the rest of the column, of course. PERFECT advice all around for this situation. Loved it!

Jennifer said...

Bitch is selfish! Got married to my Marine right before he deployed too. He sent sent me gifts etc to keep the romance alive while deployed on birthday and Xmas. When he came home he wasn't the sane shit I got a cake for my bday in his fav flavor lol. But ya know what....I married mofo Marine and when he "checks out" I remember the shit he must have went thru and shut the hell up. Give the man some time to adjust back as a civi instead of breaking his damn balls. That is all.

Anonymous said...

Haha, love the ”brokedick mountain” comment!

Heather said...

Hey H-Bomb, are you a Heather too? If so, power to us, but especially to you for being bomb-as-shit. "Start doing drills, getting up early and fighting for you marriage like you fought for this country." That's some relationship advice we should all take straight to the mother fucking heart.

Gina said...

^^^I agree with Jennifer, The wife needs to put herself in check and remember that she married military. You don't get to be a selfish spoiled brat that always gets put first, because his mistress is the military and if she has fucked him up, that's whats gonna be on his mind. Being the wife of a man deployed is difficult as hell, the waiting on a 5 minute phone call, or an email, trying to get through your day waiting on shit that may not come SUCKS...but guaranteed all the shit you go though sitting there waiting, doesn't come CLOSE to the shit he is going through. So before you throw your little princess fit about "I havent had attention in blah blah amount of time" remember that he has to wrap his mind around being home safe, just as much as you wanna wrap your arms/legs around him for being home safe.

H-Bomb said...

Heather, I am not a Heather, I am a Hope. Or a Holly when people can't remember Hope.

Misty Russell said...

If I'm reading this correctly, they've been married approx. a year, most of which he was deployed. WTF does this bitch expect? I'm assuming he hasn't been back stateside very long. Counseling is a must! Just for him. Get yourself situated so when a woman comes along the can appreciate a soldier you're ready for it.
Screw a bitch that can't make it a year while her solider was deployed and then expects him to come back like he saw and felt nothing.
Personally I have a feeling there has already been some side action going on with the wife and she is using the whole "spark" theory to get out. Or the poor guy managed to stumble onto one of those girls who thought being a military wife is glamorous and was disappointed when it didn't turn out like Army Wives.
Thank you for your service! Even if your wife isn't grateful and appreciative for what guys like you have done for us, there are pleanty of people who are!

Anonymous said...

H-Bomb... Can I watch or "help out" in any way?

8)

H-Bomb said...

Maybe. I am a very selfish person, so maybe I will let you watch and if you prove your self you can jump in. Or when I need a break for a smoke and a pancake.

Anonymous said...

I'll STILL bring the barbecue sauce, because....
EVERYTHING tastes great with Blue Front on it!

8)

Anonymous said...

Been watching the ghetto genius crew's jewels shine for a hot one, but this shit made me cringe: "This is about creating a foundation in which will help your marriage blossom" Jesus breakdancin Christ, you asleep at the pen? Still, my loyalty remains intact whilst you mufuckas continue to sling truth. Mwah.

Doggy Fizzle

H-Bomb said...

^^ I am going to get some McCray's today.

Anonymous said...

^^^ Yummy!

8)

H-Bomb said...

Anonymous, do I know you peronally?

beanthestankass said...

long time fuck-off, first time reader. i am thoroughly impressed with the advice, and ball busting that you gave to the Soldier,(by the way if you need to sub out any open hand slaps to fucktards who disrespect; i'm always willing to smack a bitch in the name of patriotism) I'm rooting for him, i hope to see an update saying that everything is going well with them.

H-Bomb said...

Thanks, Beanthestankass. I love your handle, btw.

Shay Baby said...

This has got to be my favorite column I have read on here yet. PTSD is real. I know it to be a fact, and unless the soldier seeks help on his own, no one can make him. After a year of hell with my ex-soldier, I can totally relate with the wife. Difference between her and me is, I tried everything I could possibly do to help my soldier and endured all kinds of hell and heartache in the process. Wonder if she can say the same about herself? Probably not.

Anonymous said...

I agree with Misty, I have a friend who is dating a marine that has been deployed through most of their relationship and their whole engagement, she tried using the "spark theory" to get out of it but the marine did a 180 and got help for his PTSD so she's still with him, I think this soldier is dating a girl much like my friend, who likes to SAY she's with a military service member more than she actually likes being with him and gets or got side action while he was away

Anonymous said...

Heya H-Bomb,
I have no idea if we know each other personally OR peronally (LoL). We appear to live in the same neck of the woods (ie. North PB County). Maybe we'll bump into each other in the future! Til then... keep it real!

8)

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