Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Advice Column: Locked Up


Dear J-Wunder,



You are the only one who can truthfully answer my question from a man's point of view. My man has been locked up for fourteen months and is due to be released in two months. We have been together for seven years and have two kids, which is the only reason why I would stay with him during his incarceration. I have been faithful, 100%. However, I can no longer control my urges to stay faithful. I so badly want to get dicked out...I have already picked out a potential penis and I don't know if I'm able to stop myself. I'm like a lost and confused puppy, I've gone so long without sex I feel like a born again virgin. Am I fooling myself if I think I can fuck another guy and it won't ruin my relationship? I know my man would never find out and I would never tell him so in my mind we can all go back to normal and I can act like nothing ever happened... or am I just a cold hearted "ratchet bitch," -- because I feel like I am sometimes.



Sincerely,
Dickless




Dear Dickless,

Just typing that makes me fucking chuckle…and then double check that my “goods” are intact. Whew!

Anyway, on to business...

FACT: You have been deprived of penis for fourteen solid months.

FACT: Women love the sausage.

FACT: You LOVE the trouser snake.

FACT: Me telling you it's okay to cheat will make absolutely no fucking difference. You already know you’re going to cheat. Whore.

Now, I was going to be all “desperate housewives” nosy and ask why your man is locked up, but I'm not that bored with my life to ask for details. So I'll just get down to answering your question so that you can go get your pootie waxed for your weekend smackdown with Mandingo de la Dong.

You're going to cheat. You know it and I know it. Fuck, you WANT to cheat. And guess what? You're not going to feel bad about it either. You just needed someone like me to tell you that because 1) I don’t fucking know you, 2) I know a thing or two about a thing or two, 3) If you ask anyone close to you they will judge the living shit out of you, call you a whore, and then tell your man, "Crazy Eyes," about it so that he can go kill the mother fucker and then hold you and your kids hostage so he doesn't go back to jail. Sound about right? Okay, just checking.

I don't care what ANYBODY says, knowing that you will not be getting a piece of ass for two more months, plus the 14 months you’ve already served, is a long damn time. So long that, no matter what, there is going to be a point where you can't take it anymore and will want to "get yours" sooner rather than later. And for you, Vagilina Jolie, that time is NOW. I'll be honest, I commend you for being a faithful woman to your man. However, this dude’s locked up. It's not like he's serving our country and has an obligation to fulfill. Hell no. He's not out on business making shit happen so that you and your children can live comfortably. No, no, no, no, NO. This mother fucker decided to do some stupid shit, without thinking about the consequences of his actions, and is now locked the fuck up. The irony? He’s probably being some dudes’ bitch right now, getting lots of wang from every direction, while you’re home “dickless”.

Cheating is never the answer, but you know what? It happens a lot more than people like to think. Why do you think I stay single? Because I know for a goddamn fact, I will cheat and not think twice about it. Now, your situation is much different. You've been deprived of cock for a long ass time. Mama needs something more than a bottle of wine and a plastic play date. I get it. But I also get the fact that you need to hunt down some cock before you start eating faces like them crazy mother fuckers out there in Florida. Please don't eat faces.

I'm not advocating that you cheat, I'm just saying, once you get that long awaited Mandycane jammed up your hot pocket, I guaran-fucking-tee that you will not be able to act like "nothing ever happened." Shit WILL get weird, and shit WILL get awkward. I wouldn't lie about this shit. They don't call me the Ghetto Genius for nothing.

I’m not saying you should feel bad for wanting to feel good. Just realize that even though "Baby Cockroach" might not find out, you're still going to have some other man in your goddamn head. A man who not only who nailed you good, but is probably a better guy than your man, "Tear Drop." You gotta make the bed you fucking sleep in, sweet tits. So, you better be damn sure that, with this new man, you know how to turn that "I miss his dick so much" switch off. Cause if you don't, I might be seeing your ass on the 10 'o clock news floating in a goddamn river.


J-Wunder

22 comments:

peacheseaches68 said...

Omg!!!!!!! You really are a Genius!!!!! I love love love it!!!!! Rotflmmfaoooooo!!!! K thanks :D

HeatherNicole said...

I don't even have to know what you look like.. you personality is enough!! Fucking love you!! Haha

Anonymous said...

Dickless is about to get mind fucked if she does and may end up a rubber ducky, however... Everyone needs to have a snack every now and then... I'm surprised she hasn't had a mini buffet by now. Do it, if you feel guilty just break the guy down and make him feel pathetic then leave... I mean if my chick went to jail... She should expect that if I come across something I'm gonna scratch my itch and I'd expect the same... Of course this is for six months or longer... But the itch will be scratched.

Anonymous said...

I say do what the fuck you gotta do. His ass wasn't thinking about you and your kids when he did the stupid shit that got him locked up. Cool that you stood by him this long but dam I couldn't imagine going that long without penisso kudos to you for standing by your Man but I think it's time you get yours. Hell, I know I would! Good luck!

Anonymous said...

this was motherfucking genius. to be honest she probably already cheated cuz thats what most chicks would do. she trying make herself feel better /good by writing this letter. but shes the one commited to relationship. Hoes gone be hoes so we cant blame you thirst Ass Tammy.

KoolEMac said...

Lmao @ Vagalina Jolie xD

Anonymous said...

If u want to stay with ur man I'd suggest NOT to Fuck around on him. He WILL find out and Damn karma is a bitch. Two months is nothing so just keep ur orgasams to yourself unless u wanna be single. Let's be honest. If u did 14 months what's another two? Ruin a 7 year relationship and make the situation worse for the kids than they've already got it. Jail byrd for a dad and a whore for a mom.

Anonymous said...

You've waited 14 months and can't hold it down for 2 more? You ain't shit bitch! You've made up your mind, picked your dick and I bet it's his big homie, you stankin' ass bitch.

Keep this in mind: you're going to cause drama for him, yourself and your kids. Shit, niggas are killing niggas over these bitches.

Bitch read these words: you are out of your fucking mind!

Anonymous said...

Honestly, Men and women have two different standards. They have a penis and you have a vagina. Yours stretch and your a WOMAN. Cheating on him would all be on you. There was no need to say he was locked up because there is no love in it, no matter what happened. You should end the relationship then live the single life. This question was very stupid but sad at the same time. Can't turn a hoe into a house wife. Hopefully since you already fucked him, you used excellent protection. Ew and you have kids. Only way you justify yourself a tad bit is if your single BOTTOM LINE!

Anonymous said...

SORRY BITCH.

Toni Dewert said...

Why is everyone talking shit to this woman and calling her a whore? I bet every single one of you would have cheated on your locked up lover LONG before the 14 month mark. Get the fuck off your pedestals. Yall aint better than anyone here.

Anonymous said...

"crazy eyes". Lmao. Marry me.

Anonymous said...

Toni, im not in this situation, nor am i even female, but the bitches who call her a whore, have got to learn that they are whores too. i think anyone who cheats is a whore and stupid. dont start what you cant finish, relationships are part of that.

Anonymous said...

Don't do it. You have the high ground here. You will never feel right around this man and your kids will notice a change in you and later when they are older, will likely figure it out and then blame you for the break-up of your family. YOU will be the bad guy. Just learn how to really twiddle that button of your to make you screech like a banshee. You can then look everyone right in the eye and they will know you have integrity. Way better than quick dick and guilt.

Anonymous said...

This is why I hang out at prison and fellow the fine bitches visiting their jail bird man home. Its like taking candy from a baby.

Anonymous said...

^True story

Anonymous said...

see dont make yourself easy targets for kats with no game like this cat wait outside jails for women like u. SMDH

Anonymous said...

Fuk girl.. ive been holding it down for my man for a long fuking time! He doesnt even get a chance at parole until 3/2014. Girl if u held it down and rode it out for 14 months but cant wait 2 more fuking months, youre a dirty bitch. Dont be mad WHEN he gets out and finds out and whoops your ever loving cheating ass. you will deserve every bit of it. Im not sayin its easy to hold shit down while our men are locked up. but shit 2 fukin months and you can have all the dick you want? I really hope u wait that shit out, but you probably wont. and for that, youre a dirty bitch. just sayin

Anonymous said...

False. mine has been locked up since 2006 and i have never cheated. and i still have 18 months to wait before he MIGHT get parole. we have our lil touch tug and pull sessions every sunday. Not everyone cheats

Anonymous said...

If she already got a prospect lined and waiting to go and only got two more months to go? Means this bitch fucked that prospect and is just looking for validation that it's ok to fuck around on ur man while he was locked up...I waited til my man got home, he was real fucked up in the head from that stint and we ain't fuck for another month so my suggestion? U already fucked the prospect there's no need to act like u didn't...it's cool cause guaranteed if roles were reversed he wouldn't have waited not two minutes after ur ass was locked up but to each his own...

Anonymous said...

Some real comments here. This site is true gold.

I thought that bold face comment would be the only real spoken to break the ice but mad other heads, female and male came thru.

Cheating is fucked up. So is that 6 o
clock news shit.

Jennifer said...

Please don't eat faces. LMAO!!!