Advice Column: When To Keep It Real & When To Shut Yo Mouth

Dear ghetto genius(and team)

I have followed you on Facebook for about a year now and now I'm coming for some proper ghetto expertise.

There is this chick (call her layme) , who I have been friends with for about 5 years and she has helped me through some different things. (Never sexual) ..But times have changed, and layme has had sex with about 5 of my friends , who due to my affiliation with her, most those homies don't like to hang around now. She constantly needs to get laid time and time again. Now she's fucking around with this one dude I have known for almost 4 or 5 years (call him guy). And I could give a flying fuck less...

The only issue is he has a wife and a almost 3 year old kid. Nobody knows really except a few of my friends who don't affiliate with layme and guy. And my girlfriend. Who does talk to guys wife. She tells layme she is going to end up being a home wrecker, and layme does not care. She says her and guy have boned for too long and they can't and won't stop.

What do me and my chick do? Back off and let the roof blow off that house by its self by keeping our mouths shut? Or give guys wife a little bit of well needed honesty? Idk. Like I said I could give a shit. It's just amazingly fucked up in my eyes..

Sincerely,
Confused friend



Dear Confused Friend,

Damn bruh...this is some shit you watch on the Lifetime Channel while looking at your girlfriend and thinking, "This bitch better not even try some scandalous shit like this. She WILL get cut." Straight up.

As for your homegirl, "Layme"...she loves that Cockle of Friends, huh? Broad got more baby gravy in that vagina to certify her as a goddamn spermbank, son. BOOM!

Now, I was originally going to take the approach and blast the shit out of your gal pal then tell you some mature shit that would end this conversation real quick. How-the-fuck-ever, after much deliberation with myself after a few drinks and some late night tacos, I decided to take a more realistic, J-Wunder, "damned if you do, damned if you don't," approach. Shall we?

See, as much as your homegirl "Layme" is probably viewed as a skallywag whore by the majority of the people reading this column, the reality is, she's single and can suck, fuck and scissor lock anyone she damn well pleases. You know it, I know it and everyone reading this, knows it. Now, does that make it ok to bang some dude who has been married for a hot minute and has a 3 year old? As the world says, "Fuck no it ain't ok, J motherfucking Wunder!!!," I'm here to tell y'all, how's that her problem? He's the motherfucker who's married and cheating on his wife. "Layme" has the freedom to do whatever the fuck she wants with whom ever she wants. That's the beauty of being single with no fucks to give, right?

Sure Spermbank Magee should make a conscious effort in fucking dudes who aren't involved in a relationship. The sad part is, that's not how some of society works. Why do you think a majority of marriages end in divorce? Motherfuckers cheat. It's the game of cat and mouse. Keeping things on the down low. "I won't tell if you won't tell." "It's not cheating if..." While one side tells us, "Hey don't do that shit, it's wrong.," the other side tells us, "What's the worst that can happen if no one finds out?"

You and your girlfriend are stuck in a big ass pickle, hombre. If you don't say anything and shit hits the fan, then your boy's wife is gonna want to stab you and your girlfriend with a fucking ice pick for not having her back and probably ruining her families lives because "you knew all along and never said anything." But if you do say something then your boy will hate you and probably throw you under the bus for some God forsaken thing that isn't true to show his wife that you and your girl are liars and then we get into this whole Lifetime Channel special about how this dude was having an affair then the best friend knew but was also fucking dudes wife which in turn made the dude's girlfriend have a threesome with married dude and single whore chick who loves eating ice cream while getting a dildo in her ass and getting her box munched on. That's fucked up and confusing and what could possibly go down. Ok, not really, but it was good filler for the column. You're welcome.

If it were me and regardless if there is a kid or no kid involved, I'd talk to my boy and tell him what the fuck is up. No one deserves to be fucked over, especially if there is no drama going on at home. You feel me? Now, what your boy wants to do after the conversation, is on him. You can't control his actions because honestly, he's a grown ass man and if you want to do grown ass things, then you will have to suffer whatever consequences are laid down before you.

Once you have the talk, mind your own fucking business (like you said you wanted to) because what goes on in other peoples lives is their fucking business and their fucking problem. It's shitty for your boy's wife and kid to possibly be hurt in all of this but again, you didn't sign up for being that guy. He's the one who took vows and wanted to have a little one. Let that sonofabitch suffer once he gets caught. And trust me, he will get caught sooner or later. Single bitches who prowl on married dudes like your homegirl, "Layme," may be able to do whatever the fuck they want, but once shit gets a little heated or emotions get the better of them, crazy shit happens and all of the sudden, single fuckfest gal falls in love, stalks your boys house, leaves dead fucking rabbits on door steps, watches your family eat dinner through a window, etc. Do you want to be a part of that shit when it gets 50 Shades of Crazy? Fuck no you don't. So peace the fuck out.

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

The situation as a whole is fucked up. A lot of people are probably asking themselves or wanting to ask me, "Well if this was you J, wouldn't you want your boys to tell you?" Honestly, I wouldn't. Why? Because if I can't figure out that my girl is cheating on me, then who's the stupid one? Sure there are folks out there who are pro's at being shady as fuck, but let's be real...if you know the person you're with...like REALLY know that person, you will be able to decipher sugar from shit real quick. Am I right?

You and your girl are good people regardless if you do or don't tell. All I'm saying is that if you DO open your mouth, get ready to feel the motherfucking heat. Because as much as you don't want to be involved and just want to "let that person know," trust me...you're officially fucking involved.

Good luck and get ready for some shit to get R-E-A-L!!!

Peace,

J-Wunder

What To Tell Your Wife When...

So you've struck up an extra-marital, sexual relationship with a coworker. Congratulations! Unfortunately, initiating the office sex to compensate for whatever disappointment you're feeling over how your life turned out was the easy part. It's time for the coworker you're sleeping with to start calling your house at all hours, and your wife's going to want some answers. Here's how to explain every type of call she might intercept from the coworker you're cheating on her with.

If the coworker you're cheating on your wife with calls during dinner and hangs up:

"Must be one of those telemarketers calling from another time-zone, not realizing they're interrupting dinner, then when she suddenly remembers she feels bad and hangs up just as you're answering."


If she calls in the middle of the night and says she's parked outside your house and you have to come out and talk to her or she'll come to your door and tell your wife everything:

"That was a new Amber Alert service that calls you and plays a recording that describes the make and model of the car that the suspected kidnapper is driving. I think I see a car that looks like the car they described parked outside. I'm going to go check it out, and if there's someone in the car I'm going to get in and talk to them to find out what they're doing here."


If she calls and screams "Just let him go! He's mine! He doesn't love you anymore! This is Janet, your husband's coworker at Pendleton Technologies Inc, and we've been sleeping together for months because he doesn't love you anymore! Can't you see that? He doesn't love you anymore! HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!"

"Sounds like a crank call to me. Must've Googled that stuff about where I work and who my coworkers are, and they probably can find out with a quick search how long we've been married to see if we might be at the point when the spark goes out for most couples, just to make the premise of the call more believable. Heh. Kids. "


If she calls and just sobs into the phone, no matter how many times your wife demands to know who is calling, the coworker you're cheating on her with just won't stop crying:

"Must be a phone ghost. I read about that. Ghosts that are trying to pass over to the next world get trapped in the phone lines and all they can do is call people and sob about all the things they regret not doing when they were alive, all the things they never got around to saying to the people they loved. Yeah, sounds like a phone ghost."


If she calls and just breathes into the phone, listening to your wife ask "Is anyone there?" over and over again. All she does is breathe:

"Phone ghost again. Really just changes everything you assumed about death and the existence of the soul, right honey? I mean, how can we go on denying that there's more to us than just our physical being when these phone ghosts keep calling us all the time. Wanna pray?"


If she calls and tells your wife to meet her that night at a diner so she can show her photos of you and her having sex:

"Um, sure honey, go meet the phone ghost. Are you crazy?! It's just trying to feed you a story you can't resist to get you to join it at the portal to purgatory, which must be at that diner, so it can pull you over to the other side in exchange for getting its corporeal body back. That's the only way phone ghosts can return to the living world. They have to steal someone from the living to take their places. I'm sorry, but I love you, and I don't want to lose you yet. So I forbid you to meet the phone ghost."


If she sneakily dials your wife on her cell phone with her free hand while you're having sex with her on the copier, allowing your wife to hear what is clearly your voice shouting ecstatically during an extra-marital office orgasm:

"Honey, I never wanted you to find out about this. I wanted to protect you. I was only thinking about you, is why I kept this from you. I was worried about you, so I invited the phone ghost to possess my body. Turns out, the phone ghost had something it needed to resolve before it would be allowed to pass on to the afterlife, and resolving that thing required that it have sex with my coworker Janet, using my body. I must have butt-dialed you during. You have to believe me that I was just so worried that the phone ghost was going to lure you to meet it with one of its stories. That's why I agreed to the possession. So you know, I don't feel anything when the phone ghost has sex through me, so it doesn't count as cheating when my body has sex with Janet. It says it has to have sex with Janet only a bunch more times before it can pass on.

Either that or it was another crank call. Heh. Kids, right?"

via - Happy Place

That'll Show You To NEVER Cheat On Me

Advice Column: Code Blue (Balls)

Ill keep this as short as possible. Love your brutal honesty by the way so lay it on me because something isn't clicking. The girl that took my virginity and I have been on and off for 6 years. We dated in high school for 9 months before I moved to Long Beach, CA after graduation. We knew I was moving before the relationship started and agreed to end it then. Well fucking surprise we fell in love. We decided to stick to a long distance relationship even though its a scientific fact that they never work. I cheated on her about a year after, and confessed. She was sad but we made up and kept going. Then, I cheated again, this time without telling her. I cheated over 30 times. When we fought a year ago it got brutal, and I told her everything. The bitch broke down at her office and cried all night. Well recently she confessed too, and admitted to cheating with several as well even though she visited me several times. Man she loved the D. Now we still talk and flirt, and are living only about 4 hours away. She says we won't get back together, even though the caveman part of me wants to. But when she's in town she has no problem giving me a complimentary blowjob. She claims to not be talking to anyone and I'm honestly not either. But she doesn't want to make it official. This is routine. I know. But fuck, I love dicking this bitch down. What's a man to do?

Help me J. Help.

Sincerely,
Mr. Blue Balls



Dear Mr. Blue Balls,

I could easily sum this up with three words: Bobby and Whitney. But that ain’t my style.

What in the holy motherfucking shit, on this mother fucking galaxy of fucking fucks is up with dysfunctional motherfuckers like you?! Seriously. Can someone tell me? PLEASE.

Check it out amigo. What I'm going to tell you, I NEED you to listen and act on what I'm saying. Don't ignore it. Don't nod your head yes then do the opposite of what I'm fucking saying. I will personally come and find you and dick punch you if I find out you did not follow my instructions to the motherfucking "T."

DO AS I SAY.

Your ass will thank me for it later. Trust me.

Both of y'all are not only fucked up, but aren't good for each other. AT ALL. Like Bobby and Whitney. And look at how that turned out. I could probably list about a thousand goddamn things, but I won't. What I will do is break some shit down for you, that way, you can comprehend what the fuck I'm saying so you can move the fuck on with your goddamn life. Ya feel me? Grab some paper or print this column out after you're done reading it because what I'm about to tell you, no mom, dad, sibling, relative, best friend or therapist will tell you. EVER.


1) Stop being sprung like a little bitch. 

That's right. YOU. SPRUNG. BITCH. Why? It's pretty simple actually. After you came clean to cheating, this gave her a window of opportunity to do the same. And like most women, they don't have any regrets when they do the shit they do. Because once you fuck over a broad, all bets are off. If what you thought was pretty bad, I'm sure the shit she did was one million motherfucking times worse. And when she admitted it, it probably popped in your head that things weren't so bad afterall, and that you were forgiven. Only because you both did it. However, this probably wouldn't have happened if YOU didn't fuck up. Bottom line, her doing you dirty (in a sense) told you she doesn't give a fuck about you. And as men know, if a bitch shows she ain't sweating you, guess what? You want that bitch 10 times more!!! Why do you think women love assholes? "I want a nice guy..."my ass you do. But I digress...


2) Once a cheater, always a cheater.

In life, we all form some type of addiction(s). Some love food. Some love booze. Some love drugs. Some love hoarding worthless shit. And some, some just love cheating. Strike that...some love the dick, pussy or both. In other words, some love fucking. Whoever. Whenever. Wherever. It's obvious you love pussy. I'm not going to knock that because I too, love vagina. So much, that if I could carry around a pussy pocket all goddamn day and touch that thing with my mouth, finger or wang, I probably fucking would. True story.

You want your cake and want to eat that shit too. Didn't your mama ever tell you trying to have everything your way might not be such a good idea? Look where it got you, motherfucker. Single, pussy whipped and balls so blue you would think you had two goddamn Smurfs living in your drawers. Knowing you, you sick fuck, you probably have a Smurf fetish, too. Google that shit. It’s real.

I'm not going to take away the fact that you love this broad. Probably because she took your virginity. BTW - if that's the case, you're a goddamn clown. If not, it's all good. But c'mon man, you cheated on her "X" amount of times as did she. The amazing part is how she straight up told you, the two of you wouldn't get back together. Good job on her part. Shitty on yours. Why? See #1. STOP BEING A BITCH. Please explain to me how you have blue balls again if you were getting so much pussy while you were with your gal at the time? Are you a real cheater or one who wants to think he's one? Don't fuck with me, playboy. Be real.

Society is a goddamn pussy paradise and you have blue balls?! GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!


3) You're single...why do you have fucks to give?!?!

You know, it's dudes like you who make me think, "There's some stupid motherfuckers who exist in this world and have no idea about anything." You know why I say this about you? Because here you are...single, with a plethora of pussy waiting to be conquered and all you can do is care about the one broad you cheated on, who in turn, cheated right back on you. That has got to be the dumbest fucking thing one man could do. Dwell like a little bitch. For no reason. AT ALL. Now, as I stated earlier, I love me some pussy. Sometimes too much for my own good. However, no pussy is worth sweating if you have no obligations or commitment to it. Any man will tell you that and hell, any fucking woman will tell you that. I know you love to dick a bitch down but bro, how bout you do yourself a fucking favor, dick down 50 other bitches while dicking down the bitch that has probably sucked more cock than an Asian massage parlor? Go in with the "no fucks to give" mentality. You're single for fucks sake. This is the time where you put all the morals that you have left aside, and go get fucking buckwild crazy. How on earth do you have blue balls again?


Three simple fucking things you need to be aware of, listen to and act upon. When life gives you lemons, go fuck shit up.

I know in every column I write 30% doesn't make sense and 10% is added value. But that 60% that's left? That's all straight up truth. Real talk.

I'm done. Go make me proud and turn things around. You owe that to yourself. If you choose not to, then why the fuck do I care? I don't live your life. I just try to change it.

You're welcome,

J-Wunder

Sweet, Sweet Revenge!!!!

Panty Dropper

Advice Column: Cheating Ways

what do you say to a guy who breaks up with you because he thinks you cheated and wont "be a woman and come clean" and after you find out he had been sleeping with your sister for a year behind your back? Then goes around telling everyone he knows that you cheated and wont admit it, also adding names like slut and whore and trash to the gossip he is spreading. Just want your opinion on the guy in this case, need some honesty here. 


Dear What Do You Say,

First off, we are going to ASSUME you were a good girl and never EVER cheated. That said, let's begin.

I say fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

FACT: Everyone who is anyone at some point in their life, has insecurities.

It doesn't matter what it is, there are things that people can't handle that makes them not trust. Why? Two things: 1) Because they were fucked over and hurt in the past or 2) They are guilty.

Your man - GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY AS A MOTHER FUCKER.

You're angry but let me tell you something. Don't be. This guy isn't smart...by any means. He is a guy who got so deep into cheating on you that he went into crazy mode thinking what he's doing, you're probably doing too. His way out of this whole mess - breaking up with you and making YOU look like a two-timing cuntface whorebag who loves dick so much, you decided to make it a religion and ride and suck it every chance you got. Pretty fucked up, right?

I would be a little more sympathetic if the guy was screwed over in the past and had insecurities from that standpoint. But I don't. Fuck him and fuck the fact that he was fucking your sister for a year...behind your back, nonetheless. Now, blood is blood but don't think for a goddamn mother fucking second you can't be mad at your whore of a sister because you can and you should be. Does this mean you shouldn't talk to her forever? Not necessarily. What it does mean though is that you find out why the fuck she did it and who was the mother fucking culprit to pursue all this madness.

And don't fall for her bullshit lies of "It just happened," "We were drunk," "I didn't want to tell you because I knew you cared so much about him," "I figured you two were a little rocky and it would be over soon," "He told me you two were over,"...should I keep going? Selfish people look out for themselves and they make up more lies than Manti Te'o's girlfriend. Wait, what?

The lies and deceit this fool pulled on you is unacceptable. Sure he's making you look like scum of the earth but the reality is, if you let it get to you, then you will look guilty. See, that's the beauty of trying to call someone out when they know they are in the wrong. It's about reacting how they think you're going to react. If you act like a crazy bitch when someone confronts you about it, then guess what? Everything he says sounds valid. Doesn't matter how pissed you are, he set the stage for you to be that crazy, cuntface, deceitful bitch. You either be the puppet while he plays puppet master or you say "fuck this shit" and cut the goddamn strings.

Everyone will have an opinion. That's fucking life. It's up to you though to either react to those opinions or just let them be while sticking to the real truth and be cool while talking about it when confronted. The shitty part is that your sister is in the mix and can be used in all kinds of fucked up ways. How so? Simple. Since you were "cheating," she consoled him and was that shoulder to cry on. Result - FUCK FEST CITY. She liked him and told him "my sister has been unfaithful" as a way to get to his wang. Result? You guessed it...POUND TOWN EXPRESS. Regardless of the excuse and why it happened, it happened and two mother fuckers are to blame. Just so happens they beat you to the punch. That's the fucked up thing about relationships these days. People want to be in them but can't even stay committed. Dumbest fucking thing I have ever seen or heard. But hey, that's what happens when you run into needy mother fuckers who want their cake and eat it too.

Consider this situation a blessing in disguise. Sure you were hurt by not only your fuckmouth boyfriend at the time, but your own fucking sister. That's a stab to the heart right there. Does this mean you shouldn't trust anyone again? No. You're smarter than that. You just happened to take a chance on someone who was more pathetic than you could have ever imagined. But again, that's life and like I've said before, "Experience is what you get when you don’t get what you want." Let that shit soak in a bit so you fully understand what the fuck I'm preaching.

Some men, like women have their own agenda. In good relationships, you're included. In bad ones, you are just another box that needs to be checked off the list.

Don't be that box. Just have yours pleasured from time to time.

My advice is always free.

J-Wunder

Looking To Facebook For Advice

Advice Column: Is The Bark Bigger Than The Bite?

Dear Mr. All Mighty J-Wunda,

I've been a fan for a while and always have a laugh with the shit you say to your fans as advice, as funny and fucked up as it may come out its normally right on the money....so i figure hey why not give it a shot and present this guy with my dilema.

I've been married for almost 2 years and have known my husband for 5. when i first met him he was all over the place thought he was the shit. But then so was I (this was sophomore year of college for me) but as time went on we settle down got a place, got married, and have a baby girl now. here is where my problem is, ever since I've known him hes been an attention whore. especially when he seeks attention from other females. He likes to flirt whether its with random girls or with women he has known from high school and used to have a thing for he will even flirt with the freakin waitress if it means we get free drinks at the bar.  now i know and he knows he would never cheat on me and i on him we love each other like crazy and have a very healthy relationship....when i say VERY i mean we literally make love/fuck/whatever u want to call it almost every night with kinky shit....and....well to sum it up its HEALTHY, all around not just the fuckin part either.....but i admit i still snoop his facebook from time to time....where i always find these messages from other girls like saying "hey girly how you been....i don't have your number, thats a problem...." or "hey I'm free during the week when do you want to take me up on that ice skating offer." Now I'm pretty sure hes never been on these dates or even met with the girls bcuz hes either at work or at home with me and the baby or we go out everywhere together. But i guess what I'm trying to ask is "why does he feel the need to talk to the talk with these girls, and not walk the walk...." why does he like to have these little side convos with other females from time to time but not go any further with them.  And then have the nerve to tell me hes hurt that i go thru his facebook cuz i don't trust him.....Any advice would be appreciated!!!!!!

L.B.


Dear L.B.,

First and foremost, thank you for writing in. It's fans like yourself who take the risk of putting yourselves out there and basically hope and pray I don't embarrass your ass to the fullest. Bottom line, I give advice based on experience and what I know from what I see. Is my advice always spot on? Not always. Is there truth to it? 100%. So let's break open this condom and begin, shall we?

You are in a situation where shit just needs to stop. For starters, you need to stop being that crazy bitch and trolling his Facebook page because let's be honest...if you weren't crazy, you wouldn't be doing it, right? Secondly, he needs to get the fuck over himself and know his glory days are long gone. Y'alls is married with a kid for crying out fucking loud. Unless you guys have some sort of fucked up "open relationship," then stop the bullshit because at the end of the day, some mother fucker WILL get hurt. I don't care if it is just "innocent". Shit gets out of control and all of the sudden, a dead body is reported floating down a river on the 10 'o clock news. People die over stupid shit like this...or end up in jail.

FACT: People LOVE attention.

I love it, you love it, your narcissistic ass husband loves it...hell, we ALL fucking love it. The problem - he loves it so much that he's willing to run with it til shit gets his ass in trouble. What I mean is that he's willing to push the envelope so far with these monkey mouth bitches that he's gonna fuck you over while fucking one of them or shit blows up because you went "Fatal Attraction" crazy because you don't trust this fool and just up and leave the sonofabitch. So while you sit there, shaking your head and saying, "No, no, no...my hubby ain't like that and I trust him with all my heart," do me a favor...stop fucking kidding yourself.

Realize the attention your man looks for has a purpose. That purpose being that he is still the mother fucking man who knows he's still has game. Still has the ladies...when he wants it. Hey, it's great y'all have a HEALTHY relationship. But if you ask any woman who wants a "one woman man" that would say their relationship is healthy if this shit went down, you know how many broads would say their relationship was healthy? ZERO FEMALES WOULD SAY THIS IS HEALTHY. Don't fool yourself into thinking just because you two fuck like rabbits and it's "all-around" good that nothing bad will go down. For fucks sake, you're checking the dudes Facebook any chance you get then calling him out on the bitches he's talking too. Still healthy? Just sayin', Sugar Tits. Check your shit at the door and stop playing "Leave It To Beaver." You ain't fooling anybody. In the words of Sweet Brown...

"AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT."

Even though you say he talks the talk but doesn't walk the walk, what makes you think he isn't walking? We all have agenda's and if I was a betting man, when his agenda is free and clear, he just might be doing what you don't want to be thinking. Trust me, people can be some sneaky mother fuckers. I know people who live two lives and the folks around them had no goddamn idea. You know why that is? Because those Shady McShaders plan their shit to a point where it drives others so fucking crazy that they actually think they ARE crazy and ARE "just trippin'". No one wants to look like an ass especially if they are wrong, right? Now, I'm not saying your man is cheating on you with these other sloots. I'm just saying why would he just do it, to do it? Society has all sorts of fucked up things wrong with them and certain people have reasons as to why they do things. But tell me this...what's his reason? This young blood is married to you and is the father to your baby girl. Seems to me like he's bored and wants to "play a little". Is that your fault? From how healthy your relationship sounds, it shouldn't be. How-the-fuck-ever, you are put in a position where you don't know if he's coming or going. He's pulling the ultimate mind-fuck that even has myself scratching my balls like a bad rash from a Spring Break hook-up. Wait, what?

Don't play into his game of "I'm so hurt that you don't trust me honey. I'm a good guy..." bullshit. Does this cat realize you caught him red-handed? Word to the wise: If you have to defend yourself more than you should, it's because you are guilty. Real goddamn talk. Or, you're just a real crazy bitch that needs to stop acting like she's on her period 24/7. But that's neither here nor there. As I was saying...

No one does shit, just to do shit as a game. It's like regret...why the fuck would anybody regret something when they had full intention on doing it in the first place? Say whatever the fuck you want, if you have intentions, don't have fucking regret. Doing that just makes you look like a dumb fuck that needs a good open hand slap to the face (thanks, H-Bomb)...Rick James style.

The only thing I'm gonna say is that as much as you love your husband and he loves you (so he says), why would he be doing what he's doing when he knows it's wrong? I get people flirt. Shit, I flirt all the goddamn time. Sometimes I get the chubby and everything. However, there's a fine line when it comes to flirting with someone "innocently" and disrespecting the person you're with...let alone fucking married to. This dude IS disrespecting you...I don't give a shit if you or the thousands of people reading this disagree.

Your relationship ain't healthy until your man stops with the bullshit and you quit checking his goddamn Facebook like you're the mother fucking FBI. You aren't, are you?

Healthy is trust. Healthy is communication. Healthy is no drama. Healthy is WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE.

Love me or hate me, you're gonna take what I said and give it some thought. And you can take that shit to the bank.

Do what you gotta do but make sure y'all keep shit real. If you love each other that much, it shouldn't be a problem now, should it?

I'm Out This Bitch,

J-Wunderful

Advice Column: Locked Up

Dear J-Wunder,



You are the only one who can truthfully answer my question from a man's point of view. My man has been locked up for fourteen months and is due to be released in two months. We have been together for seven years and have two kids, which is the only reason why I would stay with him during his incarceration. I have been faithful, 100%. However, I can no longer control my urges to stay faithful. I so badly want to get dicked out...I have already picked out a potential penis and I don't know if I'm able to stop myself. I'm like a lost and confused puppy, I've gone so long without sex I feel like a born again virgin. Am I fooling myself if I think I can fuck another guy and it won't ruin my relationship? I know my man would never find out and I would never tell him so in my mind we can all go back to normal and I can act like nothing ever happened... or am I just a cold hearted "ratchet bitch," -- because I feel like I am sometimes.



Sincerely,
Dickless



Dear Dickless,

Just typing that makes me fucking chuckle…and then double check that my “goods” are intact. Whew!

Anyway, on to business...

FACT: You have been deprived of penis for fourteen solid months.

FACT: Women love the sausage.

FACT: You LOVE the trouser snake.

FACT: Me telling you it's okay to cheat will make absolutely no fucking difference. You already know you’re going to cheat. Whore.

Now, I was going to be all “desperate housewives” nosy and ask why your man is locked up, but I'm not that bored with my life to ask for details. So I'll just get down to answering your question so that you can go get your pootie waxed for your weekend smackdown with Mandingo de la Dong.

You're going to cheat. You know it and I know it. Fuck, you WANT to cheat. And guess what? You're not going to feel bad about it either. You just needed someone like me to tell you that because 1) I don’t fucking know you, 2) I know a thing or two about a thing or two, 3) If you ask anyone close to you they will judge the living shit out of you, call you a whore, and then tell your man, "Crazy Eyes," about it so that he can go kill the mother fucker and then hold you and your kids hostage so he doesn't go back to jail. Sound about right? Okay, just checking.

I don't care what ANYBODY says, knowing that you will not be getting a piece of ass for two more months, plus the 14 months you’ve already served, is a long damn time. So long that, no matter what, there is going to be a point where you can't take it anymore and will want to "get yours" sooner rather than later. And for you, Vagilina Jolie, that time is NOW. I'll be honest, I commend you for being a faithful woman to your man. However, this dude’s locked up. It's not like he's serving our country and has an obligation to fulfill. Hell no. He's not out on business making shit happen so that you and your children can live comfortably. No, no, no, no, NO. This mother fucker decided to do some stupid shit, without thinking about the consequences of his actions, and is now locked the fuck up. The irony? He’s probably being some dudes’ bitch right now, getting lots of wang from every direction, while you’re home “dickless”.

Cheating is never the answer, but you know what? It happens a lot more than people like to think. Why do you think I stay single? Because I know for a goddamn fact, I will cheat and not think twice about it. Now, your situation is much different. You've been deprived of cock for a long ass time. Mama needs something more than a bottle of wine and a plastic play date. I get it. But I also get the fact that you need to hunt down some cock before you start eating faces like them crazy mother fuckers out there in Florida. Please don't eat faces.

I'm not advocating that you cheat, I'm just saying, once you get that long awaited Mandycane jammed up your hot pocket, I guaran-fucking-tee that you will not be able to act like "nothing ever happened." Shit WILL get weird, and shit WILL get awkward. I wouldn't lie about this shit. They don't call me the Ghetto Genius for nothing.

I’m not saying you should feel bad for wanting to feel good. Just realize that even though "Baby Cockroach" might not find out, you're still going to have some other man in your goddamn head. A man who not only who nailed you good, but is probably a better guy than your man, "Tear Drop." You gotta make the bed you fucking sleep in, sweet tits. So, you better be damn sure that, with this new man, you know how to turn that "I miss his dick so much" switch off. Cause if you don't, I might be seeing your ass on the 10 'o clock news floating in a goddamn river.


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To the guy in my closet, you don't have AIDS - m4w - 30 (Lakewood)


Date: 2009-08-31, 7:18AM EDT
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First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don't or at least I hope you don't have AIDS.

When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh...and btw, I don't know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn't leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament.... I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don't really care enough. Not to mention I don't know how big you are and I couldn't think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.

So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.

I felt like I hadn't punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn't your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren't used to standing in a 3'x4' closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn't already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren't too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn't mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.

Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.

* Location: Lakewood

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