Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Advice Column: It's A Wang-erful Thing


I need some help quick! I am happily married to my best friend. When we first got together we boned all the time. Since having children that shit has almost come to a damn hault. Not on my part but his! I wanna bone multi times a day. Shits not happening but a few times a month. So I know my husband looks at porn. Who gives a shit because I do too! A girls gotta get off too! So anyway I recently caught my man jerkin it to some ladyboy shit. I was what you can say...shocked. Could it be he wants the dick instead of me? I could really use some input on this shit.


A chick with NO dick

Dear Chick With No Dick,

I don't know a lot of things but what I do know is this:


Everyday when a heterosexual man wakes up, he typically thinks of five things:

1) Taking a long ass piss.

2) What to fucking eat.

3) Who won last nights game.

4) What to do tonight.


Now, this list shouldn't be a surprise to anyone. However, I want you to notice #5 - SEX. As non-shocking as this is, us males think about sex all the time,'s the kicker: WITH A GODDAMN WOMAN. You know? A female with a vagina. A female with some ass and titties. Basically, a female with female parts. You could even put a bag over her head, it's all good. 

That's what every sexually active heterosexual man thinks of. Your husband on the other hand...this mother fucker is not only special, but homeboy got some fucked up shit going on in his head. Check it...

See Sweet Tits, your best friend in the whole wide world, that you married...yeah, that guy...has a thing for wangs. The trouser snake. The one-eyed sea urchin. The third leg. The virgin destroyer. You get the picture.

I don't give two fucks what any mother fucker says, Reach-Around Ralphey basically showed you without showing you he's bored with your meat curtains and it's time to skip his cock-loving-ass over to the other side. Why? I have no fucking clue...I'm a pussy connoisseur, remember? But if I was a betting man, I would guess he "found himself" and has come to terms that he likes the dilz. That's DICK for you folks who have no fucking idea what the fuck "dilz" means. 

Listen, no one just wakes up one day and says, "You know what? Today is the day I officially like cock. Yup. I sure had a great run at the pussy but I think it's time to like women with cocks. What am I saying? I just like cock. Tits sold separately. Fuck it." No human being does that. Sure the she-man had a nice rack and gorgeous face, but your husband wasn't all about the female features, oh no. If he was, he'd be fucking you more often, am I right? 

I get the internet gives us the ability to enjoy so many damn things. How-the-fuck-ever, when you are going out of your way to search shit like, "chick fucking donkey," "fat guy boning bunt cake while getting salad tossed from dirty whore" or "tranny fucking Jesus, the gardener," shit gets real. When I say real, I mean REAL fucked up. This is where you need to question a mother fucker on their direction in life. Why? Because this shit ain't normal. WHATSOEVER. 

Hey, I get people have fetishes but for fuck's sake, keep that shit to yourself in a dark ass room where NO ONE will ever find you or know what the fuck you're about. Your husband leaked some "skeletons in the closet" shit that not only should freak you the fuck out but, make you wonder what the fuck you did that was so bad for him to like what you like - DONG. 

I know what you're thinking..."Just because a man looks at tranny porn, doesn't necessarily mean he has a thing for wang. I think that after a while of looking at porn, people actually become desensitized to certain things and need to look for different things to get their engine revving, kind of like when someone does drugs... after a while they need more and more to get the same affect." Well I'm a guy and what my guy senses tell me is this: if I have the urge to look at some shit like tranny porn to get off and get my engine revving, then either A) I have completely given up on vagina as a whole, B) The person I am with has given me false hope in ever being turned on, C) I need to fucking kill myself. 

You can slice this shit up one thousand ways and get all scientific and shit. At the end of the day, what your man is doing ain't fucking normal to myself, a majority of men and YOU. 

So my advice to you comes in one of three options:

1) Ask your dude if he likes dick with titties attached. If he does, buy him a first class ticket to Thailand where he can get all his tranny dreams out of his system so he comes back liking pussy again. 

2) Ask your dude if he is basically gay. If he's indeed gay, well, I hope you like shopping. 

3) Just say "fuck it", and join in on the fun. 

Maybe what your marriage needs is a little excitement. Because from the sounds of it, you're not providing any. 

Two Wangs Are Better Than None,



Anonymous said... is it you know about these sites
chick fucking donkey," "fat guy boning bunt cake while getting salad tossed from dirty whore" or "tranny fucking Jesus, the gardener,"
and why is it I want to check them out...LMFAO!

Anonymous said...

Lmao... holy shit, shit just got real

Jessi said...

Anonymous you are as messed up as the guy in the advise section. I think J-Wun is making shit up. Good luck in your search

Chrystal said...

Hope you like shopping...that was hysterical. The rest was right on, I am always surprised that people will send in a letter to an anonymous person before actually saying anything to their wedded mate! If I walked in on my husband (which I never will as I will never marry) but hypothetically, my first words would be "Uhhh, ya, wtf are you looking at and why?"

Anonymous said...

It's a Trap!

Been there, done that. And the "join in" thing does not work. After we split, my ex the tranny chaser got involved with a chick with a dick, and just got dumped by the second one he's had a relationship with. Can't live with dick, can't live without it.

Anonymous said...

ummm dont give a shit bout the game so lets just replace that with more sex..... Just sayin..

Anonymous said...

Why are ladies so afraid to just come right out and ask their man stuff. He's your husband, what's he going to do besides turn 10 shades of red. My husband would have it morning, noon, and night. I don't have any other way to compare that to, because every man I've known is that exact way. My husband, being the freak he is, even told me he'd love to take my vagina and stow it away in his pocket as a carry along so he could have it at any hour, lol. MEN, Er... Some men. My point is, if my husband all the sudden decided he no longer wanted it and I caught him looking at that, then yes, I would have concerns, I wouldn't need any advice, I'd go straight up to him and ask him if he likes penis. If he gets all shifty in his seat, blinking heis eyes a hundred times. Red faced, then yes you either need to go have an extra appendage sewn on or go write up the divorce papers.

Nicole said...

You had me at "Tranny fucking Jesus, the gardener". bahaha. great shit, man.


So people with fetishes need to hide it in a dark room? Shit doesn't make sense to me. As someone who was once in a committed relationship with a guy who indulged in tranny porn, I can say that taking a more supportive 'okay, help me understand how this gets you off' approach is much more conducive to keeping a relationship with your best friend/mate, even if you find that he's no longer attracted to you and wants to explore dongland. (Can you blame him? Dick is pretty righteous.) If he truly is your best friend as well as the father of your children, telling him he's fucked up is not going to help your relationship at all. Been there, done that, bought the t shirt.
My kneejerk reaction when I was in this situation was 'what the fuck am I doing wrong?' When I confronted him at this angle he was rightfully hurt and upset. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I just didn't have the equipment he wanted. We worked through it with a lot of patience and understanding on both sides. We are no longer romantically involved but he is my best friend in the world. We're now both free to explore the wonderful dongland!

Anonymous said...

^^^ the fuck?! you got problems bitch. this shit is funny.


Is it funny? Yes. Will following this advice possibly cause more problems than are already at hand? Yes.

Just putting in my two cents seeing as I've been there and know how much it can hurt...

Anonymous said...

All im saying is that im sad this chick is in this boat. Advise like always awesome.....situation not hot.