Thursday, October 4, 2012

Advice Column: Battle of the Alphas

Dear Crew,

I'm an alpha female, dating an alpha male. Should I compliment him a lot? He is the best I have ever had, but I'm scared I will give him too much power if he knew that. Should I be honest with him or keep him guessing?

Dear Oooga Booga Oooga Boooga,

I gave you that name because the only thing I can think of when you say "alpha" anything is Gorillas in the Mist. I really hope you aren't black, too, or I am going to have to take my subliminally racist ass home and turn my white sheets into a hooded robe. But seriously, who still says they are "alpha" anything? That shit also makes me think of Alf and now I want to hide my cat before you eat her.

After you and your man are done chest thumping to see who is the alpha-ist of alpha's in your relationship, you can get to what is really bugging you: Do you want to show this dominant person that you, an otherwise also dominant (sounds so much better than alpha) person, are anything other than a ball busting, skull cracking, bitch better NOT be talking no shit about me, bout it, bout it, bitch?


Yes, being a she-devil that makes other people quake in their boots is AWESOME. Trust me; I eat, sleep, breath and shit fabulosity, so I knows what I am talking about. But that kind of awesome does come at a price that not everyone is aware of. You know what I am talking about, or else you wouldn't have asked for advice, so I am not going to spell it out for you. But you know, and I know, that you know I know what I am talking about. Word?

You have to walk the fine line between what is considered flattery and what is just fuckery. And, that, my sister girl, is hard when you are used to being a boss bitch.

Let me make my opinion crystal clear; yes, you do need to tell him that you think he is pretty fucking awesome. I don't give a shit if you are the hardest person in CB4, every mother fucker on this big ol' planet, and I mean EVERY mother fucker, needs to hear some kind of praise from someone they are mildly interested in, every now and then. I don't care if your momma, grandmama, daddy, uncle, or whoever, told you that you were the bestest, the smartest, or the most fantastical person on the planet. If you are trying to bone someone you want to hear from them that you are the smartest, bestest, most fantastical person on the planet. I promise you, as the person they are trying to take on the Pound Town Express, it is your opinion that is going to matter more than just about any other person.

Now the tightrope walk begins. How do you let this person know that you are feeling them without looking like a candy ass bitch? Simple, my friend. You play that shit like a mother fucking fiddle and I am going to teach you just how. It's not always what you say, but when you say it. If that mother fucker rolls out of bed looking like a bag of smashed assholes, that is not the time to tell him he looks like ______________ (insert your favorite celebrity from the spank bank), because that just looks cloying and insincere.

What you need to do is wait until you are both out, not before, and definitely not after. When you are out, look at him and in an even and monotone voice say "Damn, I knew you looked good when we walked out the door tonight, but I see these chicks checking you out, and I know they are sweating you, but I know I am going home with you." That not only lets him know that you know he looks good, that you are into him but also that you know that other bitches think your man be all fly and shit. You will have not only made him feel like a million bucks with your half assed compliment, but you will also get more points for acknowledging that other bitches be wanting your man.

I have said it once before and I will keep repeating myself until I am blue in the face. Men are simple creatures. Yes, they need food, sex and silence to survive. But sometimes, they, like women need the occasional compliment to exist. There is a difference, and if you don't know, now you know….

Now, go on and get your compliment on so you can get ya freak on.



Anonymous said...

I'm using that line this weekend...yup yup

Anonymous said...

Screw this weekend...I'm using that line tonight. :o)

He won't know what hit him.

Anonymous said...

hahaha, I love it!

Jeneral Insanity said...

I'm glad that I'm not the only one that thinks of gorillas when somebody claims to be an "alpha" anything...
And I honestly spit coffee out of my nose when I read the whole ALF thing. I love that creepy mofo!