Friday, October 5, 2012

The MILF Who Wanted Me To Call Her "MOM"


Another Thursday night I thought. Then again, whenever I go out with my "drinking buddies", just "another Thursday night" goes straight to fucking hell. See, going out with friends, things can be contained to a certain point. But with "drinking buddies"? All bets are off! Here's my story...

I meet up with my boy in North Beach thinking for some goddamn reason it was going to be a mellow, but fun night. As soon as I walk in the bar all I hear is, "JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ...drinks on me tonight you sad sack of shit! Now who wants a shot pussy?!" I love my buddy. Known him since I moved back to the Bay Area in 2007. But honestly, this guy has not left the college mindset. I guess what I'm telling you folks is that he's a douche. But a very rich douche who always looks out for me because he knows when it's time to bring the thunder, the Ghetto Genius is gonna bring the fucking thunder. Knowing I was going to get shitfaced, I knew the last train to the East Bay was going to leave a little after midnight. My buddy didn't care, nor did the girl who was sitting next to us at the bar.

Girl: "Hi, my name is Rachel. What's yours?"

Me: "I'm J, and this is my buddy...'

Buddy: "Mr. Lover-Lover baby."

See, I told you he was a fucking douche.

It was at that moment I knew I was gonna miss the goddamn train. By the way Rachel looked at me and how my buddy started acting a fool, there was no way in hell I was gonna get out of here alive. Knowing that, I said, "Fuck it...let's get smashed." Hopefully not too smashed because I had a crazy feeling I was gonna get laid by this stranger who had long brown hair and a rack that screamed "motorboat me big boy."

Drink after drink, we laid shit down. Shots of Fireball, tequila, some orange/blue weird looking shit, the night was turning for the worse, but in a good way. I kept tabs on how much I was drinking but more importantly, how much Rachel was because by the next hour, I'm making out with this broad and squeezing her ass like I was trying to wring out a Sham-Wow while washing my car.

By hour number two, I was drunk. 10 shots and 5 Grey Goose/sodas in, I told my buddy that Rachel and I were gonna head back to her place. Only because if I drank for another hour, not only would all of us be annihilated, but my dick probably wouldn't function and I can't go down as the guy that had pussy on a platter but had a dick that looked like a month old red rope licorice...all limp and paralyzed. Fuck that and fuck no. Rachel and I hop in a cab and cruise to her place in the Tenderloin. Now, for you folks who don't know where the Tenderloin is in San Francisco, let me just say it's a bum and crackheads home base. If you can imagine that, then there is nothing else left to be said.

We finally get to her studio after dodging every crackhead trying to sell us crack rocks and threesomes for 75 cents. As soon as we open the door, we got down to business...

I'm naked, she's naked and things begin to get all ricockulous with biting and baby oil flying all over the place. Just by the way she was talking, I knew she was a freak who was looking for a good night of fucking. But just as the sexcapades started off on the right foot, I took a moment to look around...just to make sure I knew where the fuck I was because I was hammered as shit. Then I noticed a few things:

- Two big ass cribs by the kitchen.
- A diaper genie by the bathroom.
- A stroller by the door.
- Pics of her and her family on the walls.
- A mural of Jesus just chillin' above the tv.
- Baby clothes next to the bed which was really a queen sized futon.

I stood above this hot ass brunette, with a huge boner mind you, and thought to myself, "I'm either fucking a really hot mom or we're in some ghetto ass daycare that she teaches at." It wasn't a daycare and she was no nanny. She was a mom. A MILF. A woman who more than likely was not single since there were pics of a dude with her and her two kids in every goddamn picture I saw in a frame. It's every man's dream to fuck a MILF and I already accomplished that years ago. But a MILF who was taken? Not my style. Before I could say anything she said, "Don't worry, I'm not with him anymore and my kids are with him this week." Drunk, confused and about to throw the fuck up from the diapers that haven't been thrown away I said, "Ok, so you still wanna bone I take it?" She said nothing, pulled out a box of jimmy caps from under her Sleep Train purchased futon and smiled. It was goooooo time...

I tapped that ass like it was the last piece of pussy on earth. From missionary to doggy to froggy to the reverse cowgirl, we were fucking like two pornstars having another day at the office. It was good shit to say the least. That was until she stopped screaming and moaning then starting talking...

Rachel: "Yeah, you like that baby?! Call me mom. Call me mom you bad boy."

It was then, and right then I thought to myself, "Did this broad just tell me to call her mom? Maybe she said mommy? WTF?!"

Rachel: "Call me mom you dirty little boy. CALL ME MOM RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!"

"This bitch is really asking me to call her mom. Like I'm her fucking child. Uhhhhh..."

Me: "Yeah mommy, take that shit you bad girl."

Rachel: "I said mom, fucker. It feels so fucking good to call me mom, not mommy. Call me mom."

Now, I'm into some freaky shit. Been there, done that. You name it, I've done it and probably said it too. But mom?! If that didn't get my head twisting and turning what came next made me feel like I was in a really fucked up dream but still gave me a hard-on that could break pure steel.

She was taking her titties and squeezing them so hard that breast milk was shooting EVERYWHERE. And when I say everywhere I mean, ALL OVER ME.

My face, chest, face, neck, chest, head...it was like I was that little Asian girl in the porn with 10 big ass dicks going bukaki all over me. I couldn't react in a negative way so I just went for it.

Me: "You liked being fucked mom. You like that shit?"

Rachel: "OMG...yes, yes, yes, YESSSSS!!!!"

As I reached for her titties and squeezed them, I ended up shooting myself dead in the mouth mid-sentence with a line drive of breasts milk that felt like it knocked out my tonsils. WTF is going on right now? This is not happening. That's when I couldn't take it and did what I never thought I would ever do in front of a woman...

I puked. Right on her tits. If that didn't make matters worse, I told her, "Who gets off asking some dude to call her mom? This ain't right. I can't fuck you anymore because calling you mom is like I'm fucking my own mom!!! And my mom ain't even hot." Then it became dead silent. Rachel lying there, titties covered in tequila, Fireball, and orange/blue shit puke while I sat above her covered in drool and mad titty milk. If I could actually see myself, it probably looked more like 10 gallons of semen.

Rachel: "I thought you liked freaky?!"

Me: "I do. But by freaky I wasn't thinking you asking me to call you "mom" and using your tits as super soakers."

Again, it became silent and oddly enough, I was still jabbing her vagina with my pecker thinking we could forget all this ever happened and continue this sexcapade in the shower. Well, that didn't happen. I got up, she still laid there covered in my puke and I bounced out...clothes in hand with a condom still wrapped around my wang.

I got dressed in the hall of her apartment complex, called a cab and stayed at my buddy's house. When I got there I come to find the drunk bastard passed out, butt ass naked, holding a Hot Pocket watching a porno I gave him 4 years ago. This mother fucker will never learn. But who the fuck am I to talk, right?

So here I am at work...hung the fuck over and wearing the same clothes from last night but with breasts milk stains on my shirt that look like a bunch of dudes from the gay bar had a good 'ol gang bang of a time on me. Awkward much?

FUCK MY LIFE. I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

That's a complete lie. I'm still gonna drink but NEVER with my "drinking buddies" EVER again. Ok, that's also a lie.





25 comments:

Anonymous said...

Omg!! I'm dying!!! That's the funnest shit I have ever read! Call me Mom!! Fucked up shit! Lmao

Anonymous said...

I don't even care if that was a bullshit story, fucking funny anyway!

Anonymous said...

That was the weirdest shit I've ever read. 0.0

Anonymous said...

So, I never comment on your blog.....buuut I just gotta say....the squirting breastmilk is kinda involuntary (usually) If you're lactating, you touch them, they leak. Now that doesn't mean milking them (which is totally different) at least it's safe for human consumption!

Jeneral Insanity said...

What the fucking fucking fuck?!? That is something else. Aren't you supposed to ask a "mother fucker" before you squirt him in the face with titty puss?
This is why I have a safe-word for all sexual dealings. ESPECIALLY a one night stand...
Also - I will never look at a hot pocket the same way again...

Anonymous said...

seriously that's bullshit I thought these stories had truth to them wtf.....

Jeneral Insanity said...

And isn't that kind of the same thing as when ya'll tell us to call you "daddy"? Although, I think "dad" would make it that much weirder...
Fortunately for me, I've never felt like I was fucking one of my parents.
I'm sorry J :(

Anonymous said...

W.T.F. J.....who the fuck does that? I guess u shoulda known shit wasn't gonna go right when u had to.go thru crackheads to get to her place...1st warning sign to GTFO.....2nd warning sign....dirty diapers.....a bitch who can't even throw away dirty diapers-IS DIRTY! 3rd and last warning, when she squeezed that titty milk on you, and it wasn't an accident, you shoulda been DONE SON! coulda, woulda, shoulda, but all the same um so LMFAO

Anonymous said...

LMAO...2 Fuking Funny...& I just found out what ANR (adult nursing relationship)...WTF...thats some Freaky @$$ Shit!!! ;~p

Katie said...

You realize the shit you can catch from her breastmilk right? You might as well have went raw dog with an open wound on your cock.

Anonymous said...

I had some shit like that happen to me.. Breast milk is fucking gross! I was sucking her tits and boom! I was like wtf? Lol

Dulce C. Rios said...

Haha. I've had some men get lost in my b(0)(0)bs .. thank god I've never forced feed them. ha. i need to party w u when Im in the bay.. Haha

Dulce C. Rios said...

Haha. I've had some men get lost in my b(0)(0)bs .. thank god I've never forced feed them. ha. i need to party w u when Im in the bay.. Haha

Anonymous said...

What the freak'n fuck?!?! Hahaha.... sitting in the car with my boss and coworkers reading this shit was not a smart idea on my part.

Alli B Overstreet said...

Oh mmmm gee...Wow! I read ALL your stories but this one, by farrrr, is the most ratchet, freaky, disaster of a great, gone horrible time. Poor J Wunder atleast you can say you did it. Now there may quite possibly be nothing you havent experienced. Congratulations Sir.

Jennifer Curd said...

All I can say is WOW lol that is some crazy shit! I got wild in my days but holy shit man!

Anonymous said...

Straight CHOMO STYLE!!!!! I don't see why anyone would want to be called mommy or daddy while fucking!! What you like to fuck your kids or what? If a guy ever told me to call him daddy itd be a straight deal breaker!!!!

Anonymous said...

Man that shit is crazy. One night stands can just be weird sometimes. But if a guy told me to call him dad or daddy I would just get up and leave.

Anonymous said...

He-larry-us!!!

Anonymous said...

Da fuck did I just read?

Anonymous said...

Baaaaaaahaaaahaaaaaa too fucking funny!!

saymyname said...

You're killing me over here!! "I got up, she still laid there covered in my puke and I bounced out..." Fucking hilarious!! I LOVE YOU J!!

Wendy P said...

Bwahahahahahahaha..I feel sorry for you J..sorta...funny shit!

OnTheRoadToRuin said...

I will be the first to admit; I like it kinky and I'm a mother. But no..god no. No, a thousand times no.

Jesus.

Brings a whole new meaning to getting the milk without buying the cow...

Katie said...

this is by fat the best thing I've read in a while:) Amazing!