The Night I Gave Cat Woman Another Chance

Dear Cat Woman,

Just when I thought it was over, it wasn't. A little over a month had passed when I got an email with the subject titled, "Kitty wants to play". As I stared at it for a good 5 to 6 minutes, I knew it was you. The bitch who looked like the American Yao Ming...but with big ass tits who smelled like cat nip and potpourri. You were my first blind date gone "WTF". You fooled a fool but in the end, I couldn't knock you down too far considering you paid for dinner, drinks and gave me a blow job while I wore a lamb skin condom. Let's not forget I purred like a bitch ass cat getting his fuck on. You're quite welcome.

When I decided to finally read your email, I knew what you might have wanted. It came down to either sex, another date or both. Sure enough, it was both. I'll be honest, you're not attractive...AT ALL. If we were the last two people on earth, I'd probably kill myself. And if I could bet all my life savings, I'd almost guarantee you'd eat my freshly dead body...but try to have sex with it before you had 2 days worth of bbq. That's pretty fucking sick if you ask me.

Although you aren't attractive, I do admit, getting a bj from you is what changed my mind from completely ignoring your request. I'm not going to lie, you're the last piece of ass I had. Ask The RINGER and J-Wunder. They've actually nicknamed me after your cat, "French Fry". Do you know how fucked up that is? It's pretty fucked up. Bitch.

Before our date, I planned everything out purrrrfectly (see what I did there, hoe?). I wore cat imprinted boxers. I took the time to memorize Tom Jones' 1965 smash hit, "What's new pussycat?". Hell, I even bought your cat a ball of yarn. BTW - fuck cats. They are the laziest pieces of shit one could ever imagine. However, I wanted to see if this would make you do things one could only dream of. I pounded a bottle of Grey Goose, and headed towards your house to pick you up.

The moment you opened the door, I envisioned you standing there in a house so warm, cozy, comforting with everything anyone could want. Then I opened my eyes and everything that was seen cannot be unseen...EVER. Let's go through the list:

- I don't know how much you eat daily but, I'm almost certain in a little over a month you had one family size bag of Doritos too many. I love a woman with curves. You HAD some. Now, you are just jello sitting in a big ass pool. I was almost going to ask if you had any flour for foreplay.

- I watch a lot of A&E and your house was a scene from Hoarders. Wasn't really sure if I was smelling cat shit, your shit, shit from 1955 or an open trench of decomposed bodies lurking from your backyard. I actually threw up in my mouth a few times. Thanks.

- You love your cat, "French Fry". You also love the 10 other cats I didn't know about. Please kill me.

- There was hair...EVERYWHERE. This explains why you looked like Chewbacca when you opened the door.

- You offered me Kool-Aid to drink and a bologna sandwich to eat...before we went out to actually eat. Are you fucking kidding me?

- Three cats were taking a shit. One on the couch. One in the kitchen. One by your foot. As I stood there looking confused, the only thing you could say was, "Ooopsy, poopsy poopsy."

Those were the highlights of my 15 minute observation. So glad I drank nearly half a bottle of vodka knowing I didn't know what to exactly expect. Then shit got real...

You closed the door behind me and threw me against the wall. BTW - for future reference...if you outweigh a man by a good 80-110 pounds, no need to throw him with so much World's Strongest Man force. I had to go to the doctor's yesterday because I had concussion symptoms. I've been seeing spots shaped like pepperoni's for the last two days. You're a big bitch. Ba-LEED dat.

I was drunk and wanted this nightmare to end. Why did I do this? Why did I go to your house? What was in it for me? Then the brain in my dick went off. B-L-O-W J-O-B. I wanted to see if round 2 was going to be as memorable as the first time around. I asked you, then you happily obliged. It was on like Chewbacca fucking an Ewok.

As you unzipped my pants, you noticed my cat boxers...this turned you on and had you wanting my dong even more. Since you didn't want to pull my boxers all the way down, I remember you took my semi-hard wang out from the dick hole. This was probably because as you blew me, you wanted to stare at the cat on my boxers. That's some weird fucking shit. Was this really happening?

While you and I were both enjoying this moment, I began to hold my breath. Only because the smell in your house was like something I could ever explain. I almost felt like I was dropping deuce on your face...that's how pungent it was. Then your cats realized what was going on.

Six of them slowly walked towards us as you were sucking my cock like you were trying to beat the world record for eating a 12" Subway sandwich. I became scared and nervous for my life...for good reason. Why did your cat, "Snowball" jump on your shoulder while you were giving me dome? And why was the youngest of the bunch, "Tigger," trying to jump up and lick my balls? I wanted to nut so bad on your face but couldn't. I had to react and act fast...only because if this went on any longer, one of your feline friends was going to get angry and probably tear my dick to shreds. I'm 30 years old. I'm too young to put my dick in a cast. So I did what J-Wunder and The RINGER would have done. I FARTED. I farted loud and I farted like an M-16 going off in the heat of battle.

Everything stopped and I was finally able to exhale and gain composure to leave. Hoping it would phase you, it didn't. You looked up, asked, "You ok? Just gassy, babe?" then kept going. The worst part...I let you finish the job.

Who am I and why am I still on this planet?

Please don't ever call, text or email me. I'm afraid I might do something no man would ever want to do...and enjoy it.

Why did I write this,

Anonymous