The Regretful One Night Stand

After I read this story I decided to give up on sex for good.. Okay not really but this really does show the dangers of sex, one night stands, and hot girls that still live with their parents! Here is this guys story which starts with him and all his brothers friends piss drunk at a bar for his birthday:

Around 2 AM my brother rounds up the group and says that a cab is waiting outside for us. I quickly order another vodka tonic and guzzle it down because I somehow feel I’m not drunk enough.

We get in the cab and that’s when it finally hits me how drunk we all are. Everyone in the cab is slumped over nodding in and out of consciousness except for the beautiful woman (my brother’s friend) sitting next to me in the back. I strategically analyze the situation and conclude that this is an opportune time to strike up a conversation.  As we’re chatting I’m making her laugh and all seems to be going well as I hear Tove Lo- Body playing ever so faintly from the radio. In my drunken state this is a sign from god, I quickly demand that the cab driver turn it up and begin a falsetto that no one should ever have to hear again. Fortunately, she seems to think my drunken debauchery is cute and we end up at my brothers apartment.

As were sitting on the couch I actually think my chances are pretty good until my brother’s demon of a dog comes running out demanding (in the form of biting and crying) that I take him out. Unable to resist my charm (more like taking pity on me), she agrees to walk to the apartment dog park with me. After 10 minutes at the park, my brother’s dog finally takes a shit and we start to walk back. At this moment we lock eyes and both realize the terrible mistake we have just made. My brother’s apartment has a key scanner and in our drunken state we both forgot to grab the key or in other words we were locked out. At this point, we came to the conclusion that under no circumstances barring an F-5 tornado was my brother going to wake up to let us back in and neither of us had brought our phones. We decided that our only option was to take the 2 mile trek to her parent’s house.

Later that night, we stumble into her parent’s home and she has made up her mind that she wants to have drunken sex on the couch at 3:30am.

Being the weak man that I am (sorry parents upstairs), I give in to the temptation and we start fucking. I’ve slept with a decent amount of woman but this girl was truly a freak. She kept telling me she wanted it harder and harder and rougher and rougher and I wasn’t going to deny her sexual desires. This is when I fucked up, literally, I am so drunk that I miss thrust and somehow rip her p*ssy. Blood begins to flow on the white linen couch, she screams and I feel like I’m at the red wedding in Game of Thrones. Flustered, I try to calm her down and run to the kitchen to get paper towels. Like a field medic on the front lines, I have her open her legs and inform her I need to apply pressure to stop the bleeding but as I do it she screams again.

At this point, her 57 year old father comes running out in his underwear with a golf club in hand. When he finally realizes what’s going on, he charges me swinging and screaming that “he’s lived his life and is willing to go to jail”. As the muscular, hairy old man tries to take my head off I somehow manage to weave around the furniture and escape through the front door.

Amazingly, I managed to make it out unscathed (I did trip on the curb running ) but had to leave behind my clothes. I walked to my brothers in my boxers and threw rocks at his apartment window until 5:00am when he finally woke up to let me in. Needless to say, I’ll never live this one down and I sure as hell hope I never see her father again.

If you are worried about the dog don’t worry his brother went and got the dog from her house in the morning.

via - Dude Comedy

That's One Way To Remember The First Time You Had Sex

via - Seriously For Real?

That'll Show You To NEVER Cheat On Me

It's All About Confidence

A CATastrophe

Dear Cat Woman,

I was out last night with The RINGER. Having some drinks, throwing change at strippers and talking about my last encounter with you...trying to make sense of it all. I guess it couldn't have been summed up better than this by The RINGER:

"Bro, she let you fuck her face. It was warm. Soft. Gentle. Breathtaking. Even if she did look like Sloth from The Goonies, she was good at it. End of story. By the way, have you ever seen this chick naked? Better yet, have you even kissed her? Please say no????"

As I sat there confused and The RINGER sat there laughing hysterically, ordering rounds of shots and lap dances from what could only be described as the most hideous strippers ever - I swear one of them was missing an arm and the other one had a c-section scar...that was fresh, I realized something. It wasn't you I was obsessed with, rather, your amazing mouth. Oh that lovely mouth. It would make a man speechless, I tell ya. Put that mouth on a dog, I'd probably let it suck my cock, too. Wait, what? (That one was for you J-Wunder)

I can't do this anymore. I can't let myself go after someone who is the second coming of Rosie O'Donnell, Roseanne Barr and something that I would describe as a White Precious and a retarded hyena. Fuck that. I'm better than that. You own 274 cats or some shit like that. Your house looks like something from Junkyard Wars and Hoarders. You smell like potpourri and moth balls that have been in my dead grandma's closet, rotting with her dead body. I saw you eat a spoon full of mayo out of a jar. A GODDAMN JAR! And when I say spoon full, I mean serving spoon. And when I say eat, I mean free-base, you took that shit down in one gulp.You sucked my cock with a condom on. What am I saying...you sucked my cock with whipped cream and peanut butter on it! It was like you thought you were at Cold Stone Creamery and whipped up an amazing concoction of goodness and my wang was the banana. BTW - my dick spelled like peanut butter for 2 days!

You texted me last night asking me to come over...AGAIN. I told you NO. I then told The RINGER and not only did he laugh, but he threw up in a trash can. Then it happened...

You started sexting.

Text after text, you sent me naked pics of you in a thong that I'm almost positive was just 3x regular women's underwear. They just looked like a thong on you. One pic had you holding "French Fry" and your left tit. Your nipples resembled rims on a Hummer, if rims were furry. It made no fucking sense. I showed these pics to The RINGER. He laughed and threw up...AGAIN. You didn't stop there...

You pulled your panties to the side and captioned it, "Kitty wants you." What I saw was no kitty, unless it was feral. It was a tundra in the deepest part of the amazon. Your vagina looked humid. That's how horrid it was. I began to drink more...so did The RINGER. These pics were like a bad car accident you couldn't look away from. I puked up my fettucini alfredo and butterscotch pudding (yes, this strip club had a buffet). To be honest, my puke looked more attractive than your ham hock curtains. Yes, I just described your vagina as a ham hock. It looked like it came off the side of a 1 ton pig. I wonder how it smells? Jesus...I think my eyes are bleeding.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. You did a turnaround shot of you in a rhino-style position. I would say "doggy" but you are nothing close to a dog. You are as big as a rhino. When you spread eagle, not only did I lose my shit, but the cocktail waitress serving us dropped her big ass tray of drinks because she saw your pic with your butt cheeks spread. Now I know what hell looks like if I ever go there. Talk about being mind fucked. 

Your sexting changed my life. This was no longer about your amazing mouth. It was about everything else. Your mouth was like Poison Ivy in Batman while everything else was like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. Those two things should never go together. The mouth is a powerful thing I guess. 

Cat Woman, it was fun while it lasted. I can't say there was going to be an end to us, but after your sexting, I want to jump off a really high building while stabbing myself in the face on the way down. I'm scarred for life. So is The RINGER who has now vowed to never hook up drunk again. However, within 15 minutes of taking this vow, he broke it and took home a stripper who had a lazy eye. To be honest, he would probably fuck a blind bitch if she'd let him. 

What my penis shared with your mouth was special. You and I had nothing. It was just two body parts that made a strong bond. It was like hand and glove. Peanut butter and jelly. Kool-Aid and sugar. That's what my wang and your mouth represented...an unbreakable bond that I thought could last a lifetime. But you had to go and sext me. You had to show me something more than I wanted. I was drunk when you sent those pics. They were so bad I not only threw up, but I sobered up. It was like $150 in booze went down the toilet. I should have just drank Shirley Temples all damn night. You sobered me up from your shenanigans...I hope you're happy. I know I'm not. 

You lost a good thing but I hope you find that one person who not only appreciates your mouth like I do, but will appreciate the God awful package that goes along with it. Please make sure to trim your bush and see a dietician...and take showers daily...nothing on your body should look that dark...especially if you are white. I just threw up again. 

Take care and well played on texting me even though I said I was going to change my phone number. I really am this time. You finally gave me a reason to. 

What have I become???? And to think this all started on Match.com. 

Anonymous

The Night I Gave Cat Woman Another Chance

Dear Cat Woman,

Just when I thought it was over, it wasn't. A little over a month had passed when I got an email with the subject titled, "Kitty wants to play". As I stared at it for a good 5 to 6 minutes, I knew it was you. The bitch who looked like the American Yao Ming...but with big ass tits who smelled like cat nip and potpourri. You were my first blind date gone "WTF". You fooled a fool but in the end, I couldn't knock you down too far considering you paid for dinner, drinks and gave me a blow job while I wore a lamb skin condom. Let's not forget I purred like a bitch ass cat getting his fuck on. You're quite welcome.

When I decided to finally read your email, I knew what you might have wanted. It came down to either sex, another date or both. Sure enough, it was both. I'll be honest, you're not attractive...AT ALL. If we were the last two people on earth, I'd probably kill myself. And if I could bet all my life savings, I'd almost guarantee you'd eat my freshly dead body...but try to have sex with it before you had 2 days worth of bbq. That's pretty fucking sick if you ask me.

Although you aren't attractive, I do admit, getting a bj from you is what changed my mind from completely ignoring your request. I'm not going to lie, you're the last piece of ass I had. Ask The RINGER and J-Wunder. They've actually nicknamed me after your cat, "French Fry". Do you know how fucked up that is? It's pretty fucked up. Bitch.

Before our date, I planned everything out purrrrfectly (see what I did there, hoe?). I wore cat imprinted boxers. I took the time to memorize Tom Jones' 1965 smash hit, "What's new pussycat?". Hell, I even bought your cat a ball of yarn. BTW - fuck cats. They are the laziest pieces of shit one could ever imagine. However, I wanted to see if this would make you do things one could only dream of. I pounded a bottle of Grey Goose, and headed towards your house to pick you up.

The moment you opened the door, I envisioned you standing there in a house so warm, cozy, comforting with everything anyone could want. Then I opened my eyes and everything that was seen cannot be unseen...EVER. Let's go through the list:

- I don't know how much you eat daily but, I'm almost certain in a little over a month you had one family size bag of Doritos too many. I love a woman with curves. You HAD some. Now, you are just jello sitting in a big ass pool. I was almost going to ask if you had any flour for foreplay.

- I watch a lot of A&E and your house was a scene from Hoarders. Wasn't really sure if I was smelling cat shit, your shit, shit from 1955 or an open trench of decomposed bodies lurking from your backyard. I actually threw up in my mouth a few times. Thanks.

- You love your cat, "French Fry". You also love the 10 other cats I didn't know about. Please kill me.

- There was hair...EVERYWHERE. This explains why you looked like Chewbacca when you opened the door.

- You offered me Kool-Aid to drink and a bologna sandwich to eat...before we went out to actually eat. Are you fucking kidding me?

- Three cats were taking a shit. One on the couch. One in the kitchen. One by your foot. As I stood there looking confused, the only thing you could say was, "Ooopsy, poopsy poopsy."

Those were the highlights of my 15 minute observation. So glad I drank nearly half a bottle of vodka knowing I didn't know what to exactly expect. Then shit got real...

You closed the door behind me and threw me against the wall. BTW - for future reference...if you outweigh a man by a good 80-110 pounds, no need to throw him with so much World's Strongest Man force. I had to go to the doctor's yesterday because I had concussion symptoms. I've been seeing spots shaped like pepperoni's for the last two days. You're a big bitch. Ba-LEED dat.

I was drunk and wanted this nightmare to end. Why did I do this? Why did I go to your house? What was in it for me? Then the brain in my dick went off. B-L-O-W J-O-B. I wanted to see if round 2 was going to be as memorable as the first time around. I asked you, then you happily obliged. It was on like Chewbacca fucking an Ewok.

As you unzipped my pants, you noticed my cat boxers...this turned you on and had you wanting my dong even more. Since you didn't want to pull my boxers all the way down, I remember you took my semi-hard wang out from the dick hole. This was probably because as you blew me, you wanted to stare at the cat on my boxers. That's some weird fucking shit. Was this really happening?

While you and I were both enjoying this moment, I began to hold my breath. Only because the smell in your house was like something I could ever explain. I almost felt like I was dropping deuce on your face...that's how pungent it was. Then your cats realized what was going on.

Six of them slowly walked towards us as you were sucking my cock like you were trying to beat the world record for eating a 12" Subway sandwich. I became scared and nervous for my life...for good reason. Why did your cat, "Snowball" jump on your shoulder while you were giving me dome? And why was the youngest of the bunch, "Tigger," trying to jump up and lick my balls? I wanted to nut so bad on your face but couldn't. I had to react and act fast...only because if this went on any longer, one of your feline friends was going to get angry and probably tear my dick to shreds. I'm 30 years old. I'm too young to put my dick in a cast. So I did what J-Wunder and The RINGER would have done. I FARTED. I farted loud and I farted like an M-16 going off in the heat of battle.

Everything stopped and I was finally able to exhale and gain composure to leave. Hoping it would phase you, it didn't. You looked up, asked, "You ok? Just gassy, babe?" then kept going. The worst part...I let you finish the job.

Who am I and why am I still on this planet?

Please don't ever call, text or email me. I'm afraid I might do something no man would ever want to do...and enjoy it.

Why did I write this,

Anonymous

WTF MOM?!?!?!?!?!

"I Said 10 Tacos Mother Fucker!!!"

You're welcome in 3, 2, 1...

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Guilty Pleasure

If You're Gonna Go To Jail, Make It EPIC!!!!!

One man traveling through Tennessee allegedly completed a crime spree with such urgency that even local police say they'd never seen anything like it.

William Todd, 24, is accused of committing 10 felonies in just nine hours while going on a "terror" through Nashville.

"He was just on a terror. I've never seen anything like this before," Sgt. Tony Blackburn, told WSMV.

Todd is not even a native of Nashville. Police say he traveled there on a Greyhound bus from Kentucky before beginning his unprecedented crime spree. Upon arriving in Nashville, he allegedly broke into a local business called The Slaughterhouse, where he stole a Taser, revolver and shotgun. He then proceeded to steal a T-shirt from the Slaughterhouse before burning the business to the ground.

Todd then moved on to a local bar, where he held four patrons at gunpoint. He robbed all four individuals but not before using the Taser on one and pistol-whipping another.

Just five minutes later, Todd moved onto his next alleged felony, carjacking a taxi driver at gunpoint. After leaving the cab, he used the credit cards he had stolen from the bar patrons to buy food.

"He was able to find the Walmart on Nolensville. He goes there and purchased $199 worth of items," Sgt. Blackburn said.

And that was only the beginning.

In the early hours of the following morning, Todd then broke into a local hotel's law office. He not only vandalized the offices but also then defecated on a desk and smeared his feces on some of the framed law degrees.

Leaving the offices, Todd then reportedly robbed several of the hotel guests. He knocked on their door pretending to be a female housekeeper, then robbed them at gunpoint. He was also reportedly crying while doing so.

He then briefly paused for a change in personal appearance.

"We have him on video leaving the hotel with a shaved head," Sgt. Blackburn said.

After crashing his stolen cab into a local parking garage, Todd then quickly held another taxi driver at gunpoint. When police finally apprehended Todd, he was hiding atop Opryland, partially submerged in a water-cooling vat. The Metro Fire Department was brought in to assist in Todd's removal from the vat, using a bucket and ladder truck.

His bond has reportedly been set at $180,000.

"He rode the Greyhound bus and had a layover, then left in blue lights," Sgt. Blackburn said. "There definitely could be more charges. We hope that there are no more victims."

via - Yahoo! News

St. Panties Day Massacre

No it's not a typo. The title of this column is exactly what it says - ST. PANTIES DAY MASSACRE.

People, what I'm about to tell you is something, I, The RINGER, could only tell. If you haven't noticed, weird shit only happens to me. Not because I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time, but because honestly, I do this shit to myself. Just ask our fearless leader, J-Wunder. Who in fact, laughed at my sorry ass this past weekend because he's a fucking dickface. Hear that J-Wun...I'm calling you a fucking dickface. Dickface. Sorry bro, don't cut me.

500 people crowded into one bar. Some drunk. Some wiggity wasted. Some blacked the fuck out. Myself? Well, I was borderline dead. As in, no longer living. What turned out as a day of celebrating Irish whateverthefuckitis, ended up being what I like to call, "EPIC".

If there is one thing you need to know about me is that I don't give a fuck. About anything. If I am ever challenged, I will ALWAYS accept that challenge then fuck you in the face with it. Take March 17, 2012 for example:

My boys thought it would be fucking hilarious for me to get on top of the bar, quiet the crowd and request something from the ladies. What that request was, was up to me. All I had to do was get the fucking energy to hop on the fucking bar and yell some shit out to 499 other drunk motherfuckers. So I did...

ME: "Excuse me mates (why the fuck I tried to sound Australian beats the shit out of me). How you fucking fucks doing in this bitch?! I know I don't look Irish and I'm pretty fucked up right now, but you know what? You donkey fucks are fucking drunk too, so don't fucking judge. I forgot what the hell I was gonna say. Oh yeah...the reason why I'm standing up on this here bar about to get my ass kicked, is because I wanted to ask all of you ladies...even you fucking god awful ugly ones who will probably get cuter by the time I finish this car bomb…I want your panties. Now, like Mardi Gras, I am starting a new fucking revolution bitches. It's called St. Panties Day. True story sluts. All I ask to celebrate this joyous new occasion along with St. Patrick's Day is that all you ladies give me your panties so I can put them around my neck as a homage to every man, known to man...even fucking Jesus who was a holy fucking dude. So who is in?"

It was at that point I knew I said some shit that was either going to get me fucking killed, or get me fucking laid. Then it happened...

*SILENCE* *LAUGHTER* *A COUPLE OF "FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG's"* THEN...

The first pair of thongs thrown in my direction. Then another. And another. And another. Shit started flying from every goddamn direction. Bitches were straight making it rain panties...even them fat ass bitches. It was like some motherfucker blew up Victoria’s Secret inside this goddamn bar. My boys were floored and I just sat there holding my fucking cock like that shit was 20 inches long and thick as a goddamn oak tree. Straight up. And if this day couldn’t get any better, it did.

What starting off as a ridiculous fucking request, practically turned into a drunk orgy. I realized any woman willing to take off their panties and give them to a goddamn stranger was down to get down. Because of that, I was covered in every piece of pussy that place had to offer. Hot ones, fat ones, anorexic ones, smelly ones, "holy shit" ones, "sign me up for that" ones...it got to the point where I felt famous almost. Invincible actually.

Girl after girl, I made out with those drunk bitches like I was going through food samples at Costco. A little kiss here, some grab ass over there, some titty-a-la-mode up in this shit...a few games of tug and pull like it was nothing. Then came that awkward moment as I was heading to the bathroom...

She was a Ginger. Hot as a bare vagina with a day old waxing (because day of, we all know that shit is swollen and looks like a fucking cantaloupe). She followed me to the pisser only to whisper those sweet words: "I want to suck your cock pantie boy." I took one drunk ass look at her, grabbed her by the ass cheeks and pushed her into the bathroom headed towards the handicap stall. At first it was awkward because 3 dudes were in the other stalls taking a fat ass shit from way too much fucking Guiness, but once we got past that point, I locked the bathroom door behind me, unzipped my pants, whipped out my fucking schlong and Strawberry Short Tits went to town. It was blowjob fucking heaven people. It was like this broad was sucking a golf ball through a garden hose. In and out, up and down, Ginger Spice was about to make me o-face with the fucking quickness. But with that quickness came a goddamn consequence I thought I would never ever fucking believe.

"Baby, I'm gonna cum all up in your mizzle. You ready? You fucking ready for a cumsicle baby?" Prepare for blast off in 3, 2, 1...BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM! I came sooooooo fucking hard that I thought I blew off this bitches head! I started to convulse and do the Harlem Shake while my dick was still in her mouth, then suddenly I fucking felt something...something warm and thick. Oh shit...no way. No fucking way. Mother fucking shit, no way?!

PUKE...this bitch started puking all over my cock, jeans and shoes. Mixed that in with probably what felt like 6 gallons of jizz in her mouth...what came from the depths of her inner linings looked like the inside of a goddamn dead corpse. I'm almost fucking positive she must have eaten Fettucini Alfredo at the Olive Garden because for some fucked up reason, I saw about a pound of noodles pitter pattering against my cock along with that zesty white sauce which by the way didn't resemble my cum. AT ALL. Don't ask me how I fucking know, I just fucking do assholes. But what's worse about this incident wasn't that Ginger McPuke was blowing chow all over my wank-diesel...oh, hell no. It's what happened 2 minutes later...

Realizing I had felt what was like one weeks worth of fucking puke on the lower half of my body, I became fucking ill. Not because of the rancid fucking smell or the scene of the crime, but because my fucking dick looked like it was dipped in a bucket of WHATTHEFUCK and was about to be fed to the goddamn sharks. Disgusted by this, I did the only thing one man could do who was covered in puke from the waist down...I puked right back on this bitch. All over the top of her fucking head. I was drinking since 7am. I swear on my gardener Jesus, I had at least 25 pints of Guinness, 10 Car Bombs and a shit ton of fried food that would make a fat man cum for 3 days straight. It was like a waterfall of puke all over this bitch. It was worse then the scene from Stand by Me when "Lard Ass" was in that pie eating contest. A sexual encounter gone horribly wrong. Two peeps covered in so much puke that one of the guys in the shitter next to us starting puking all over himself. I'm almost certain.

The worst part about all of this was what Ginger McFucked said after the puking subsided. She said and I quote, "I'm so sorry, but your cum tasted like beer and it surprised me. I'm so damn embarrassed." My cum tasted like beer? Really? And that's a bad thing? Bitch, I saw you take 3 car bombs while I was saying my speech to all the other bitches. You beer bonged at least 3 pints of Guinness like a champ. And it surprised you that my cum tasted like beer? Get the fuck outta here with that shit. I took one look at her, put my hand on her puke infested face and said, "Ginger, the way my cum tasted should be the least of your concern. You should worry about walking out of this bathroom and explaining to 498 other folks why it looks like an elephant took a shit all over you. I'm not sorry my cum tasted like wholesome goodness. You should take the back door, go home and clean yourself up. I'll be fine here."

She didn't say anything after that. She got up, puke all over her drunk ass self and bounced to never be seen again that day. What was a good idea ended up being a great idea. Not because my dick had throw up all over it, but because I came to the realization that if you drink ENOUGH beer, your cum will tastes like it. That shit is fucking awesome as fuck! Beer me motherfuckers!

Another one in the books for Mr. RING-A-DINGER.

Nailed It!

Scientists got jokes and shit...

Now to find her...

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Gasoline and Cig's Don't Mix

Rubik's Cubin'...LIKE A BOSS!!!!

The Tattoo that Lead to a Facebook Break-up

via - Happy Place