A CATastrophe

Dear Cat Woman,

I was out last night with The RINGER. Having some drinks, throwing change at strippers and talking about my last encounter with you...trying to make sense of it all. I guess it couldn't have been summed up better than this by The RINGER:

"Bro, she let you fuck her face. It was warm. Soft. Gentle. Breathtaking. Even if she did look like Sloth from The Goonies, she was good at it. End of story. By the way, have you ever seen this chick naked? Better yet, have you even kissed her? Please say no????"

As I sat there confused and The RINGER sat there laughing hysterically, ordering rounds of shots and lap dances from what could only be described as the most hideous strippers ever - I swear one of them was missing an arm and the other one had a c-section scar...that was fresh, I realized something. It wasn't you I was obsessed with, rather, your amazing mouth. Oh that lovely mouth. It would make a man speechless, I tell ya. Put that mouth on a dog, I'd probably let it suck my cock, too. Wait, what? (That one was for you J-Wunder)

I can't do this anymore. I can't let myself go after someone who is the second coming of Rosie O'Donnell, Roseanne Barr and something that I would describe as a White Precious and a retarded hyena. Fuck that. I'm better than that. You own 274 cats or some shit like that. Your house looks like something from Junkyard Wars and Hoarders. You smell like potpourri and moth balls that have been in my dead grandma's closet, rotting with her dead body. I saw you eat a spoon full of mayo out of a jar. A GODDAMN JAR! And when I say spoon full, I mean serving spoon. And when I say eat, I mean free-base, you took that shit down in one gulp.You sucked my cock with a condom on. What am I saying...you sucked my cock with whipped cream and peanut butter on it! It was like you thought you were at Cold Stone Creamery and whipped up an amazing concoction of goodness and my wang was the banana. BTW - my dick spelled like peanut butter for 2 days!

You texted me last night asking me to come over...AGAIN. I told you NO. I then told The RINGER and not only did he laugh, but he threw up in a trash can. Then it happened...

You started sexting.

Text after text, you sent me naked pics of you in a thong that I'm almost positive was just 3x regular women's underwear. They just looked like a thong on you. One pic had you holding "French Fry" and your left tit. Your nipples resembled rims on a Hummer, if rims were furry. It made no fucking sense. I showed these pics to The RINGER. He laughed and threw up...AGAIN. You didn't stop there...

You pulled your panties to the side and captioned it, "Kitty wants you." What I saw was no kitty, unless it was feral. It was a tundra in the deepest part of the amazon. Your vagina looked humid. That's how horrid it was. I began to drink more...so did The RINGER. These pics were like a bad car accident you couldn't look away from. I puked up my fettucini alfredo and butterscotch pudding (yes, this strip club had a buffet). To be honest, my puke looked more attractive than your ham hock curtains. Yes, I just described your vagina as a ham hock. It looked like it came off the side of a 1 ton pig. I wonder how it smells? Jesus...I think my eyes are bleeding.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, it did. You did a turnaround shot of you in a rhino-style position. I would say "doggy" but you are nothing close to a dog. You are as big as a rhino. When you spread eagle, not only did I lose my shit, but the cocktail waitress serving us dropped her big ass tray of drinks because she saw your pic with your butt cheeks spread. Now I know what hell looks like if I ever go there. Talk about being mind fucked. 

Your sexting changed my life. This was no longer about your amazing mouth. It was about everything else. Your mouth was like Poison Ivy in Batman while everything else was like Fat Bastard from Austin Powers. Those two things should never go together. The mouth is a powerful thing I guess. 

Cat Woman, it was fun while it lasted. I can't say there was going to be an end to us, but after your sexting, I want to jump off a really high building while stabbing myself in the face on the way down. I'm scarred for life. So is The RINGER who has now vowed to never hook up drunk again. However, within 15 minutes of taking this vow, he broke it and took home a stripper who had a lazy eye. To be honest, he would probably fuck a blind bitch if she'd let him. 

What my penis shared with your mouth was special. You and I had nothing. It was just two body parts that made a strong bond. It was like hand and glove. Peanut butter and jelly. Kool-Aid and sugar. That's what my wang and your mouth represented...an unbreakable bond that I thought could last a lifetime. But you had to go and sext me. You had to show me something more than I wanted. I was drunk when you sent those pics. They were so bad I not only threw up, but I sobered up. It was like $150 in booze went down the toilet. I should have just drank Shirley Temples all damn night. You sobered me up from your shenanigans...I hope you're happy. I know I'm not. 

You lost a good thing but I hope you find that one person who not only appreciates your mouth like I do, but will appreciate the God awful package that goes along with it. Please make sure to trim your bush and see a dietician...and take showers daily...nothing on your body should look that dark...especially if you are white. I just threw up again. 

Take care and well played on texting me even though I said I was going to change my phone number. I really am this time. You finally gave me a reason to. 

What have I become???? And to think this all started on Match.com. 

Anonymous