Friday, December 28, 2012

Advice Column: "Exclusive" Is Just a Word

Dear J -

Is it possible that a Puerto Rican guy who has dated only Puerto Rican women his whole life can be into a white chick long term?

I love sex (want it all the time with him), giving blow jobs (I swallow) and have a great job and my own money. I have turned LOTS of people onto your blog but no one at work knows or can know we are dating because - well - we work together - so why is it that he pulls away every time we start to get close? Is 7 months too long to wait for him to come around to having a normal relationship where we do shit together aside from the very occasional dinner out and perhaps have the occasional sleep over - he tells me we are exclusive so I haven't been dating anyone else - and I def don't want to be married again any time soon (divorced for 3 years - he for 5 - we are both in our 40's) -- Is it a guy thing or a cultural thing? Is he embarrassed to be seen with a white chick? Am I wasting my time at this point?  Should I go back to white guys??

Confused white chick

Dear Confused White Chick,

I saw the picture you attached and all I gots to say is...DAMN GIRL! For 40, you are fine as hell. I'm just gonna stop right there because I might get to a point where I start to pull down my pants and tug on my wang for a few minutes and put something on my keyboard I'll regret later.

Listen, before I go any further we need to throw that "cultural thing" out the goddamn window. It's the 21st fucking century and nowadays, you have gay couples out in the open, brothers and sisters dating them lovely white folks, tequila drinking Latin lovers dating every race under the sun, sick and twisted mother fuckers dating blow-up dolls (that's real talk right there...comes with a vagina that feels real too...and a mouth that's like a cum dumpster...fucked up shit, right?), and my fellow Asian folks dating chickens, ducks and dogs. Wait, what? This isn't a cultural least I don't think so. If it is, consider yourself a fuck toy. But for the sake of the argument, let's say it's not because I'm saying it's not. Moving on...

7 months is a long damn time for you and your Puerto Rican lover to not move any farther than just the occasional night out at Red Lobster and fuckfest back at each others pads. Any person, woman or man, who says they're exclusive but has the other person feel like the relationship isn't exclusive, tells me one thing - y'all mother fuckers ain't exclusive. It's not because you're white. If it was, he wouldn't be fucking you. Then again, you are fine and you do have a vagina so I guess I rescind that last statement. Although, this cat is with you occasionally at Sizzler so it can't be because you're white so I rescind what I just rescinded two sentences ago. I don't think any of this shit made any sense and I'm not even fucking drunk. Anyway...

I've said it before and I'll say it and women are weird as fuck. We all have agendas whether you like to believe it or not. We are selfish and priority #1 is ME, ME, ME. Not you Swallowing Sally. But ME. 7 months and nothing more than some boning and bread sticks at the Olive Garden? Bitch please. Your man doesn't want a commitment. What he wants is what he currently has now. A cool ass chick who is willing to fuck and suck when he's down. Nothing more. Nothing less. I guess what I'm telling you is that y'all are just some friends with benefits that will not go past that. Is that possible? Are dicks naked in porn movies? Yes that's fucking possible because you're living through this shit right now.

Where the problem lies is it's more than sex with you. You actually like this cat. He probably likes you too. But not enough to go out and let the world know you're his girl. Just enough to go to the Popeye's drive-thru for some fried fucking chicken and some warm ass biscuits. It's not some Titanic shit on the edge of the boat where mother fuckers are screaming and arms are all reached out. Real talk.

Saying "we're exclusive" is like saying, "Yeah, I like to bone." But when it comes down to boning, and he's about to put it in your ass, you jump back about to crane kick a dude in his fucking face. It's so goddamn open ended that a definition needs to be made. Now, any normal person would know that "exclusive" means, YOU and I. No one else. How-the-fuck-ever, this is the 21st century and mother fuckers like to reinvent the goddamn wheel and make new definitions for shit. Truth. That's why I'm saying if he's saying y'all are exclusive, his definition might mean something different from what you're thinking. You want a relationship with just him. He wants a relationship with you too...just with a few more bitches on the side that he can also take to Denny's. You hear what I'm saying?

Talk. Communicate. Let this cat know what the fuck is up and that you don't want your time wasted. One of the top 5 problems with relationships these days is that people assume and just go about their day like everything is alright. Wake the fuck up. If I tell you I want to get down and dirty and you don't tell me, "Ok, you can do whatever you want just don't put it in my ass" guess what I'm gonna do 10 minutes into riding the Pound Town Express? I'm putting it in your ass. Stop it with the surprise sex surprise. Don't assume shit. Only I can do that. That's why you guys comes to me. I'm the voice of all things fucked up and honest. True story.

This isn't about going back to white guys or you being white or some cultural bullshit. It's about talking to a mother fucker and seeing what the fuck is up. Fucking a dude for 7 months and still wondering why he asks you to put on a ski mask when you leave his apartment should be a sign that something ain't right. If he wants to be with you more than just being with you, he would have done it already. You just need to know why.

So ask. That's fucking it.

Now go do your thing before I end up asking you for naked pics.

Good luck and don't sweat the technique.



Anonymous said...

You really need to start charging for your honest advice. You're better than most professionals out there. Preach the good word, Mr. Ghetto Genius! Love!

Jon Klein said...

I usual, its funny as fuck and full of true shit.

Jon Klein said...

Sorry, *as usual

Anonymous said...

Jwunder, funny and truthful as fuck, my kind of person! *Tell it like it fucking is*;) Angelica

8) said...

"Ten minutes in... I'm putting it in your ass!"
If not after 10 then without a doubt you're getting it after 20-30 minutes!