Friday, December 28, 2012
My +1 Experience With J-Wunder
It was a Wednesday around 3pm. I received a phone call from Mr. J-Wunder. He was at his martini “lunch” for his so-called job. Our fearless leader was rambling on about needing a date to his company Holiday Party. He said that he had not taken a date the last four years so people were beginning to spread rumors about him being gay. Keep in mind that J makes it a point to keep work and play VERY separate. Apparently, most of the people he works with think he’s actually a productive member of society. Crazy, right? I wouldn’t consider daily drinking, banging countless broads, and beating up people with a pair of shoes productive. But to each his own I guess.
Being the nice person that I am, I said that I’d go. I figured it would at least be free dinner and drinks. What woman would say no to free shit, right? I had a week and a half to prepare myself for the occasion so I primed my liver and pulled out my little black dress. J arranged a hotel room for the night since we both knew that driving would not be in the cards. I should never have let him choose the hotel, by the way. China town has some sketchy ass hotels where the dirtiest of dirty probably goes down. I’m surprised they didn’t charge him by the hour.
On the way to the party I was filled in on who everyone was that I would meet and who not to talk to. I was warned that the company owner would probably play grab ass with me which wasn’t all bad in my opinion. A possible sugar daddy should be on every girl’s life to-do list. First thing we did upon arrival was head to the bar, of course. Vodka for me, scotch for J-Wunder. There was the normal small talk bullshit and talking to people you really would rather not see outside of the office. Then I heard something I was not prepared for.
Co-worker: “Are you gonna dance battle Jamie tonight?! You kicked her ass last year!! Come on, you gotta do it!”
All I could do was imagine J drunk as shit, dancing like a spastic Carlton, but picturing himself as a suave John Travolta, hip thrusting the living shit out of his co-worker from behind. A pity winner train wreck that everyone waits to see at the yearly gathering. I was seriously looking forward to witnessing this for myself. After about eight vodka cranberries I forgot all about it. Damn drunk wandering mind. J was lookin pretty sexy though by that point. I was even willing to forgive him for introducing me as his future ex-wife to everyone. Asshole. The party started to get boring so we decided to head out and find some late night eats. As we were waiting for a cab I realized I had stolen someone’s santa hat, was carrying my shoes, and J was carrying a bottle of Kettle One that he stole from the bar. Good job, Mr. Wunder.
We headed to a thai food joint and ate like fat kids. When I came out of the ladies room, J-Wunder was nowhere to be found. Like, no fucking where. I walked outside, still nothing. I called to find out what the fuck happened and he just said, “HURRY…..LEAVE THERE NOW!!! I’m down the street waiting for you.” You know what this guy did? This asshole dined and dashed while I was taking a piss! He’s lucky I was drunk cause I forgot to be pissed for leaving me there. Well played, vodka.
On the walk back to the hotel I realized the dance battle never happened at the party. So I of course had to give J shit about being to pansy to battle that night. I was convinced that he had NO skills. Because of this, I was promised a private dance in the room. I was so ready to laugh my ass off. Let the goddamn dancing begin...
J proceeded to play the song Erotic City on his phone and sing along while slowly stripping off his clothes like a drunken Chip 'n Dales dancer. Now that I think about it, he might be hiding a past job experience from his stories. I might have to research how he put himself through college. Anyway, I was totally enjoying the show until he thought it would be a good idea to try swinging around the lamp like it was a stripper pole. The lamp shattered into a hundred damn pieces, J went flying onto the bed, and there was Mr. Wunder’s face……buried in my pink taco. I will not disclose what happened next, but I will say that all his claims about loving to please women are, in fact, true.
The next morning, I woke up to J trying to take pictures of my naked ass. I had managed to even keep the santa hat on in true Christmas spirit. This +1 experience took a naked turn for the best and one I will never forget.
Hope you all had a fan-fucking-tastic holiday season too!
P.S. Next time J, leave the dancing to me.