Thursday, January 24, 2013
Advice Column: Cum One, Cum ALL
I am asking you this question as I KNOW your response will be completely honest.
When does it mean when I have been repeatedly told "you're going to make me come too quick" or " You feel too good?!"
I pretty certain that it is never meant in a derogatory way but seriously, can my shit be too right?! I don't want to get pissed off but part of me thinks "OK it's MY fault that you can't handle it?" It's not as thought I've got some extra special tricks I learned at a live sex show in Malaysia or something. I enjoy sex. All of it. But isn't it kind of a cop out if my partner always comes so fast that it's my fault?
Just so you know, I'm not some 17 year old and this is my second partner. I'm 44 and I've had two kids. The REGULAR way. So WTF?
I need to know.
Dear I Need To Know,
FACT: Society loves sex.
FACT: Men love pussy.
When I got your email, I read it twice. After thinking about what you wrote, I had sex. Twice. Once for 10 minutes. The second time for 45 minutes. Is there a point to any of this? No. I just thought I would let everyone know.
Sweetheart, as much as I love you being a fan, don't fucking flatter yourself entirely.
When it comes to men and pussy there are a few things you need to know. Luckily for you and the rest of the world, I'm here to share a little nugget of knowledge for all to enjoy, embrace and share. Let's begin, shall we?
There are 5 types of men that women will encounter when it comes to riding the Pound Town Express:
1) Usain Bolt:
No, I'm not talking about the sprinter, rather, his speed. In the sack. Dick goes in and he's crossing the finish line in a miraculous 5.3 seconds. Every man has experienced the Usain Bolt plague. I don't care if you experienced it when you were 15 or 50. You have so don't front, mother fuckers. However, some just can't shake that shit off. If sex is the name, then finishing fast is their game. EVERY FUCKING TIME. This includes rounds 2, 3, 4, 5 AND 6...that probably adds up to 5 minutes of total sexy time. Pretty fucked up, right? Now, could this be the cause of their penis touching your tight and wet vagina? Possibly, but if your shit felt like a brillo pad and was like throwing a hot dog in the Grand Canyon, then there is a good chance he's still gonna break world records. Why? Because you have a pussy and anytime his dick comes in contact with it, he loses his shit. That, or it's genetics. You might want to ask him to ask his pops what the fuck the deal is...
2) The Thinker:
"The Thinker, J? What the fuck is that, man?!" Glad you asked. The Thinker is the guy who COULD cum fast, but counters that fucked up madness by thinking about other shit while he makes you O-Face uncontrollably. "Well, what the fuck do these guys think about? Should I be worried?" Anything from "what time is the game tonight," to dead kittens behind a KFC dumpster, The Thinker thinks about things that aren't sexual in order to last. Don't look at this as a turn-off because the reality is, he's trying to not only please you, but let you know his dick is the only dick you should be thinking about after he's done jackhammering your pavement to gravel. FYI...the only time you should be worried about The Thinker is if he pulls some weird new shit like choking you like he does the new broad he's banging...or he calls you her name. Does it happen? Do titties have nipples? Next.
3) The Kenyan:
"J, here you go with all these code words and shit. What in the name of FUCK is The Kenyan?!" Glad you asked again, bitches. You know those Kenyan marathon runners who can run for HOURS on end and never get gassed? 26.2 miles? Shit, bitch. How bout 100 miles AND I'll make your ass a gourmet fucking dinner when I get home? Like these crazy ass Kenyan runners, there are dudes out there that can fuck for days...AND NOT EVEN BUST A LOAD TO SAVE THEIR LIFE. It's not the girl, it's not the moment, it just IS what it is. The Kenyan, at first, is that dude that blows chicks away with his stamina...he's fucking her hard...she's having orgasms that only Jesus would consider the ultimate sin...but after 60 minutes of complete ground and pound on that pootie, chicks become weary that this guy may never bust his load all over that ass. It gets to the point that if the girl doesn't say anything, The Kenyan will keep going until he tries his damndest to unleash the fury of millions of little soldiers inside or on the lovely young lady he is pulverizing. These are the cats that are made for the BIG SCREEN. Porn, specifically. If these guys were to take Viagra, they would literally kill bitches with their dong. Real talk.
4) The Liquor Dicker:
J-Wunder is spent from writing this ode to the virility, or sometimes lack there of, in men, so he is allowing me to come in and bat clean-up. Not because I am any better at giving advice, but more because I have sadly encountered the next two, on too many occasions, for it to not be borderline sad. Scratch that. Just sad. But, don't cry for me, Argentina. I have had lots of good dick, too...however I have had the Liquor Dicker with more than one partner and in more than one capacity.
The Liquor Dicker comes in two types - "Neverending Story" or "No-Pump- Chump."
When you get a guy that is the "Neverending Story" he is this guy ONLY when he drinks (or does other substances, but we will speak in generalities for the purpose of this reply) and never when he is sober. When he is sober he is anything but the picture of sexual prowess and usually leaves you with a feeling of shock and awe...and not in a good way, but in a "did that even happen," way. Throw a couple of shots of Fireball down this guy's gullet and he is the Bruce Jenner of fucking and winning a gold medal in the sexual decathaschlong. The downfall of this (because there is one, I promise): I don't care if your pussy gushes like Niagra Falls, no chick can handle a dude pounding on you for so long you think the friction is gonna catch your snatch on fahhhhhhhhhr. Ain't nobody got time for that. Literally.
The "No-Pump- Chump" is the other end of the spectrum. Throw a couple of shots of Amaretto (because anyone with this affliction only drinks bitch shots) down his throat and his wang gets softer than Mario The Baker's pizza dough. Ladies, you and I both know that no matter how hard and good you suck it, smack it up, flip it, OR rub it down, you are not getting dickmatized by that wang at this juncture. Might as well bust out your rabbit and handle ya bidness. And keep that fucker away from the Amaretto the next time you wanna go on the P.T.E.
5) Mr. Par:
Oh, how my lily-whiteness is showing. Yes, I am using a golf-reference to talk about sex. But don't get caught up on that. Grab your golf bag and tell that caddy to stop washing your balls so vigorously and follow me down the links. Mr. Par is that preDICKtable fuck that we have all had. This is the guy that you can set your watch by, because you know when you start doing the horizontal mambo it is going to go down just like this: 4 Minutes of kissing, 6.5 minutes of oral; 2 for him and 4.5 for you (because he is a GIVER, goddamn it!), then 8 minutes of uninteresting sex - missionary, you on top, doggy and then he cums on your back with such gusto he thinks he just zombie fucked you. When someone gets Zombie fucked, they walk around afterwards looking like the undead and mumbling incoherently. You and I both know that did not just happen. This mother fucker thinks he is the Messiah of Dick and that he just gave you the rapture. EEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNGH. Wrong. Poor Delusional Fucker.
So there you have it. 5 types of men, women have encountered. Now, you're probably thinking H-Bomb and I haven't answered your selfish question. If you think we haven't, you need to read this 100 more times. Are women the cause to why some men blow their load quickly? Yes, BUT...more men are to blame because the 5 types listed above. But if you're still confused, here's the answer to your question:
YOU NEED TO STOP FUCKING A BUNCH OF USAIN BOLTS AND GET YOURSELF A MIX OF 2-5.
Good luck and Godspeed,
J-Wunderful and H-Bomb.com