Advice Column: The Doomed Relationship

Hi J-Wunder,

Let me know what you think about this.

Background: I been with my man for about two years now and I been with the kid since he was broke, skinny and had no car or license. Fast forward to now, he's doing way better but the relationship sucks and it's pretty much sucked since day one for me. I don't get what I put into the relationship.. cook, clean, buy this guy shit etc.. He hasn't had sex with me for months. Last time this happened about a year ago I brought it up and we were drinking so I guess he got the courage to let me know what was up, he said "you gained weight and I'm not attracted to you anymore". Well then.. realistically I didn't even realize I gained weight. I was about 155 lbs and 5'4", right now I'm about the same, weight nothing has changed and no sex. Now, what kind of dumb shit is this, really? Should I stay with someone so superficial? Should I believe the kid that he ain't fucked me because (his reasoning now) because he smokes too many trees and can't fuck? Is this a guy thing? Not to be attracted to your girl anymore because he gained some weight? I'm choked and don't know how to feel. I've been ride or die to my man, love him unconditionally and found him cute regardless of how bummy and skinny he was/will be.

Thanks in advance,
I just wanna cry



Dear I Just Wanna Cry,

I don't know why men and women stay with one another when they know they get treated like shit. Fuck all the excuses and definitely FUCK your logic as to why you're with that person. I mean, you've been with this cat for two goddamn years and you flat out said that it pretty much sucked for you since day one? What kind of Mickey Mouse shit is that? And you want me to feel sorry for you?

AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!!!!

There's two problems here and I'm gonna breakdown both of them. You can choose to either listen to them and take it for what it's worth OR keep doing what you're doing and still live a miserable fucking life with you, your pencil dick boyfriend and your newest vibrator you're one QVC episode away from buying for Christmas.

Problem #1: Your boyfriend

Let's be honest. He's a dick. But an honest one. Now, there's a good chance he could be lying when he said that he's not fucking you because you gained weight. FUN FACT: Men will fuck a woman if they get the opportunity to. Don't matter if you're ugly, blind, retarded, gained 20 pounds...whatever. If they can get hard and there's a wet vagina nearby, we gonna be fucking. Real talk.

For your boyfriend to tell you that and still be with you in a relationship tells me a few things:

1) He's content and lazy as fuck.
2) He probably can't get hard.
3) He grew a vagina and is afraid to tell you.
4) He knows he's ugly, has no game which makes him insecure, hence, why he stays with you. You're about as good as it will get for him.
5) You take care of him no matter how much of a dick he is to you. We call these type of women one thing - WEAK.
6) All of the above.

I will tell you right now this isn't a guy thing. See, guys who do this type of shit aren't men...they are boys who don't know sugar from shit. Your man doesn't know his head from his ass and doesn't know how to show appreciation if that shit fell right in his lap. You can't even get a measly pity fuck. That ain't right, yo!


Problem #2: YOU

That's right. You're the second goddamn problem to this equation. What woman gets in a relationship that she knows she screwed in and does it for 2 years? You know what kind of woman? Dumb fucking broads, that's who. 2 fucking years you're with this clown and you do everything for him and you can't even get a piece of ass? You serious right now? What woman stays with a dude like that? My guess are women who don't have confidence, are co-dependent, weak, delusional, naive and stupid as fuck. Don't take this the wrong way and get mad at me for calling it out but come on, sugar tits...read what the fuck you wrote me and ask yourself, "Do I really want to be with this guy?"

Fuck all this shit about how much you love him and that you've been with him for 2 years. Length of relationships these days don't mean jack shit. There are people who get married within 4 months of meeting one another and are better off than the couples who have been together for 5 years. Why is that? Because some fucking people stay together just to be together. Because they are comfortable. They feel obligated. They find excuses. They don't want to be alone. The are so-called "happy" a majority of the time when we all fucking know that is the biggest crock of shit you could EVER bring to the table.

Lady, shame on you for staying with this fuckmouth and double shame on you for writing in and asking for advice when you should damn well know what the fuck to do when you know you are getting fucked more ways than just a dick in your ass. What are you? 10 years old?

WAKE THE FUCK UP and ditch this dude. Why should anyone feel sorry for you when you've put yourself in this situation and are finding excuses to stick around. If your man has been with you for 2 years and he hasn't fucked you for months, let alone, tells you to your face the reason why he isn't banging you is because you gained some weight, then you gots to fucking go. No woman should be told that...especially if she wants to fuck AND she's your goddamn girlfriend. Free pussy doesn't come around too often for men. Especially if you don't have to do much to get it. Am I right, fellas?

This ain't about you being a ride or die, unconditional, lovey-dovey bullshit of a girlfriend to him. This is about you being in a relationship you didn't want to be in and holding on while this dude that calls himself a man, treats you like shit and is there for some spaghetti, meatloaf, Tuesday night tacos and free cable.

STOP THIS SHIT BECAUSE YOU LOOK STUPID, STUPID.

I'm Out.

Happy Holidays,

Ghetto Genius

He Came, I Saw, They Conquered

Dear Blind Date,

I promised myself that I would never do blind dates or dating websites ever again. My last experience left me with a very large woman who owned like 23 cats and smelled like onions and paprika. But man, she gave great blow jobs. No question.

After my acts of desperation with the infamous "Cat Woman," I took a break. A VERY long break. One that involved tons of visits to the local strip club and massive amounts of booze. I almost felt depressed. But having asshole friends like J-Wunder and The RINGER, they got me out of my slump. They set me up with a few dates to boost up my confidence again. And can you believe they actually set me up with hot chicks?! They weren't crazy either. Who would have fucking thunk?! J and TR know normal woman. The fuck is that about?!

As awesome as that was, it was nothing more than a date and maybe a few games of "just the tip." I had to find ME again. Obviously last time, I didn't find me but found a woman who loved eating jars of mayo and catered sized Subway sandwiches. However, I was on a mission. A mission to find a good one. A fun one. The right one. So what did I do? I went on Tinder. Don't judge.

It was a Saturday night when we found each other as matches. When I met you at the bar, it was like everything I'd hope for. Beautiful girl. Gorgeous eyes. Amazing body. Upbeat. Great smile. I could go on forever.

We sat down and started to chat as if we had known each other for years. The chances of that are slim to none. This night was off to a great fucking start.

You weren't shy which is always a plus. We then begin to order drinks. I ordered a Basil Hayden on the rocks and you ordered a beer and shot of Fernet. This night was getting even better.

We talked about anything and everything. It was simply magic. And as the night went on, we talked more, we laughed more and better yet, we drank more. Shot after shot, drink after drink, I was so amazed how you were putting shit back like a champ. It's usually around drink 6 or so, that I can tell if a girl I'm with has that "crazy bitch vibe," but you had none of it.

THANK YOU, JESUS!

We kissed at one point and started to hold hands. The message was clear around midnight...you and I were gonna go back to your place and fuck like two virgins on prom night.

You asked if we could leave and I happily obliged. I got us an Uber and we headed back to your place. Full-on make out session in the car for 20 min. I couldn't help but thank the Fuck Gods for blessing me with this fine specimen of a woman that was you. One who didn't smell like cat shit and potpourri. One who actually was under 200 pounds. One who made my dick jiggle when you bit my bottom lip. We finally arrived to your place...then shit got REAL...

Barely able to control ourselves, our clothes come flying off at the front door. With no patience to even go to your bedroom, we decided to get it on in your living room. I reach for a condom but you tell me you want it raw. That's the shit I'm talking about. I didn't even ask if you're on the pill because, at the time, I was so wasted that I convinced myself that the alcohol I consumed would actually kill my sperm. The fuck was I thinking?

You start to take control and tell me to lay on the ground. The first thing that comes out of your mouth is, "I'm gonna take you on a ride to the Pound Town Express, baby." It was right then and there something wasn't right. "Pound Town Express"?! The only way you could have known that term is if you were a fan of the Ghetto Genius blog. That term is used RELIGIOUSLY. We even made shirts of that shit. I start to think if you fucked J-Wunder or The RINGER. Hell, you might have even fucked H-Bomb. Could you have? No way. But what if you did? I mean, I am bro's with my bro's, so no big deal, right?

I go with it and block out everything you're saying. I'm here to fuck and fuck is what I did. 10 minutes in, you start to make "choo choo" noises. You begin to say shit that is so left field that I think you're that chick from the exorcist. Fuck it though, I dig it. I'm drunk. You're drunk. Nothing weird is happening except whatever shit is coming out of your drunken mouth.

Then with my luck, something fucking weird happened...

The RINGER comes busting into the living room with a leather mask on, butt ass naked with a cock ring around a solid ass boner, holding a paddle.

Me: "What in the fuck, bro?!"

TR: "Surprise, fucker!"

Literally as this is going on, you're still riding me telling us you're down for a threesome.

Me: "Wait...what?! How do you know..."

TR: "Shhhhh...just let it happen, dog. Let's do this shit. She's down. Just look at her, homie."

Chick: "So who am I fucking and who am I sucking?"

TR: "You can fuck me then suck my boy, baby! Hey, how bout some double penetration?!"

I push you off me as fast as a teenager getting caught jacking off by his mom.

Me: "Dude, what the fuck are you doing here? And why the fuck are you wearing a leather mask you sick fuck?"

TR: "Bro, remember that girl I told you about that I've been banging for the last month?"

Me: "Yeah."

Chick: "Surprise!!!! We wanted to spice things up for you."

Me: "So you set me up you, assholes?!"

TR: "I mean, I wouldn't call it a set-up, man. Consider it a 'welcome to the kinky side'. So we gonna do this or what? Don't fight the feeling. You fucked Jabba the Hut for fucks sake."

The RINGER, still with his goddamn mask on and cock ring around his hard ass dong, I wanted to take that paddle out of his hand and smack his dick for pulling this shit. You have NO idea.

Me: "Ummmm...I am not gonna fuck this girl with you, man. I can't believe you would pull this shit. Remember that time you touched dicks in that other threesome you had?! I ain't about that life. Get that fucking mask off your goddamn face, asshole!!! You look like that dude from Pulp Fiction...you're freaking me the fuck out! Why the fuck am I friends with you dicks?!"

TR: "Hey man, we're just trying to get you back out there and get you laid and experience all the goodness in life. Don't hate me. Hate J-Wunder's ass because this was HIS idea. Just don't tell him I said that."

As this argument is going on, you just sat there playing with yourself as if this was turning you on. What the fuck just happened? I felt almost used. We were fucking and it was magical. Then, RINGER the goddamn gimp comes in trying to make this a fuckfest.

How on earth did this go from amazing to WTF in a matter of minutes? As I stood there with the worst case of blue balls ever, I went to your kitchen to grab a drink and collect myself from beating The RINGER's ass. If it couldn't get any worse, you two act as if nothing was wrong and start fucking each other while saying some pretty messed up stuff. I didn't even know you could put an Astro Pop inside a vagina without it breaking off.

Is my luck that bad? As mad as I want to be at my buddy for pulling this shit, I'm not. I mean, he wore a goddamn leather mask and a cock ring for the occasion.

I gathered my clothes, stole some cash out of your purse, threw a few eggs at The RINGER's car, then headed back to my place.

Shocked, confused and drunk...this all felt like a bad dream. I banged a girl that didn't finish what she started. Go fucking figure.

My night ended drinking more vodka, cussing out J-Wunder via text and jerking off to an old school porn my dad gave me 4 years ago. My internet wasn't working so I had to make due. Don't judge me, woman.

Thanks for what could have been. Fuck my life.

Anonymous

How Not To Orgasm

Advice Column: That Taint Right

Dear J-Wunder The Great,

Love your blog so much! I don't think there are any advice givers that give the real and honest advice you speak of. I honestly think they're too chicken shit to be as real as you. I guess that's why you're loved by many. Congrats on such a huge success with your blog and fan page. But enough about you. I need to let you know why I'm writing you. 

I love sex. Now, before you go off and say that this is just like all the other emails you get, let me finish. I'm 28, single, good looking, independent. A real woman. When I'm with a man, I love doing all sorts of stuff. One of those things being, playing with a man's butthole and the area down there. Seems for all the times I've done it, they have pretty much liked it too. Call me gross but I think it's a huge turn on for me and the men I do it to. However, last week, something I can't believe I'm about to tell you, happened. When I was down there playing and touching with what you call his "cinnamon ring", I decided to go in with a little salad tossing action. Right as I did that with my mouth pretty much wide open, he accidentally farted in my mouth. It was so bad that I puked all over him. 

Long story short, he freaked out, I was crying and basically, we haven't talked since. From talking to his friends and everyone else that knew about it, he wants to redeem himself as do I. So how the heck do I go about it since our last encounter went a little sour?

Keep up the great work,
Salad Shooter



Dear Salad Shooter,

Holy mother fucking Christ on a goddamn cracker. I thought myself, The RINGER and Anonymous got into some fucked up situations. You my dear, take the cake for 2013 so far, sweetheart. Holy fuckety fucking shit. WOW. I can't stop laughing. Seriously.

Don't get me wrong, I love me a freak. One who loves sex, likes to try new things and one who is willing to go the extra mile for their man. You definitely go the extra fucking mile. True damn story.

I'm not all for someone playing with my taint, more importantly, my balloon knot. For those of you people who live in a fucking cave, a balloon knot is the asshole. Also known as the cinnamon ring, goat's eye and my favorite, the cyclops. The reason why I don't like a woman playing with anything past my nut sack is because 1) I got a hairy asshole and I'm not willing to have that shit waxed. I'm a guy and I have guy standards. I'll manscape like a mother fucker around my dong and balls, but if you ask me to do some waxing or beard trimming of the asshole, there's a good chance I'm gonna say "fuck you" then karate chop you in the fucking throat. 2) I know what I eat and drink on a daily and weekly basis. Food and beverages include but are not limited to: Fried food, fast food, an occasional salad, fruit, a shit ton of chips, water, malt liquor, seasonal brews, lots of Guinness, whiskey, vodka, tequila and a wide array of shots.

Now, add all those things up and you know what you get? A very gassy asshole. More importantly, an anus that will concoct something so God awful, that you would think there was a decomposed body lying right underneath your nose. I'm just being real and honest here. I know my body. And from what I know is that if you fuck with Mr. Cyclops on burrito day that includes tons of hot sauce, there is a 100% chance if you go down to Chinatown because you are suddenly feeling "freaky", you will not be very happy and I will more than likely start laughing hysterically with great fear. Ya feel me?

I don't what your sexmate ate that day. What I do know is that you probably surprised him. Correction, you probably surprised his cinnamon ring. And if there is one rule you need to remember when it comes to playing with a dudes butthole, let alone any fucking butthole, it's this: a tense anus, is a dangerous anus. Anything like a cough, tickle or poke to a tense anus is never a good thing. Trust me, I know far too well. I'm the same guy who shit his pants at a work event all because I had a tense asshole and coughed wrong. Don't believe me, check out the story here: Later, Stainer

But I digress...

As you dove right into some salad tossing, I can see why he farted into your mouth. Side note: you're a brave ass bitch. Chicks who usually do some porno shit like that usually ask a dude to take a shower first. I'm betting the house you had no fucks to give and just wanted to get to his black hole because that's how you roll, huh? Kudos...I guess???  Where was I? Oh yeah, him farting in your mouth...

You startled his black hole, he farted in your mouth and you puked all over his wang, balls and body. That shit is fucking disgusting. However, if some broad farted in my mouth, I'd probably do the same shit. No fart in the history of farts has ever smelled great. As for taste, I'm almost positive that shit didn't tastes like Starburst, chocolate or even the finest cheesecake New York City has to offer.

Two things gone wrong. A word hasn't been spoken since. However, redemption is on the minds of you and this guy. The same guy who farted in your mother fucking mouth. I keep saying that because you need to realize that you took a risk and there was no reward. Only dookie fumes that shot out like a missile into the one place where you kiss your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, nieces, nephews, friends and those who you like to be a whore with.

I'm so mentally fucked up from your question that I don't even think I have an answer. I can't stop laughing. I've farted about 6 times and I'm two seconds away from making this a webisode while dedicating it all to you. Ok, here is my serious advice that you and the world already know:

Call him. Tell him you're sorry how it all went down. Tell him you're a freak and like to do freaky shit. Apologize two more times. Ask him if you two can go out and start a clean slate. Promise him you won't go for his cinnamon ring...just from the balls up. Make a joke to the extent of, "Pretty crazy how last week went down, huh? I mean, it could have been worse right? You could have shit in my mouth and it would have really been weird." Actually, don't say that. Just pretend nothing happened, stay away from his taint and ass and get him to see the light at the end of the tunnel. He owes it to you. I mean, mother fucker farted in your goddamn mouth. Sick fuck.

I'm still laughing and I'm not sorry if I didn't help your cause.

J-Wunder

Advice Column: Breaking Down The Vagina Walls

Dear ghetto geniuses,

First off, I'm a huge fan! This shit gets me through my day. Now my question is, is it possible for a chick to be too tight? I love sex! By myself or with a man. I use my toy alot. (just vibrator not a dildo you know one of those silver bullet things) so my muscles down there get a good work out regularly. LOL But with my last boyfriend he couldn't keep it in. If we found a position were it worked we had to stay like that and keep the same exact rhythm or else it would pop out. Alot of the time he just gave up and didn't finish, It was frustrating alot of the time.  Now i am seeing this guy and no matter how wet i get he still needs to use lube. He says because i'm too tight. I thought the tighter the better?  Is it possible to be too tight? And if so what the hell do i do?!?!




Dear Vagina Whose Hole Is Tighter Than A Cinnamon Ring,

I'm no doctor. Although, if I were, I would definitely be an OBGYN. I think that shit would be off the chain. An assortment of vagina to look at all damn day...even the fucked up ones. Good thing I'm not though because I'm 100% positive I would face lawsuits weekly. But I digress...

I read your question and said to myself, "Self, this is a good one. Now, how the fuck are you gonna answer this broad?" Then, for like two days I went back in time and thought about all the chicks I banged and out of those chicks, who had tight vaginas where my wang couldn't stay put?

And as I thought about this, I couldn't help but jerk off for two days because quite honestly, I boned some pretty awesome chicks. So as my analysis and masturbating came to an end, the answer was clear...

There was only one girl. One whose hatchet wound was so tight, if I closed my eyes, it felt like I was fucking the inside of a martini olive...made of steel. Hard to imagine, right?

The situation with this broad was quite like yours. Wang goes in, wang struggles...wang finds room...wang loses and gets booted. Didn't matter the position or how much lube, something wasn't right. Was the chick I'm banging an ex-dude? Was my dick really as big as a mature field mouse? Maybe she was nervous? Scared? Afraid? Why on earth could my dick not go 2 inches in before getting kicked the fuck out of Vaginaland? It was a mystery that had me confused, sad and more importantly, sexless. Then one night it happened...

I was at the bar celebrating my buddy's birthday. Shots of tequila were flowing and it was raining Long Islands like it was nobody's business. Tighthole Magee cruises in, greets me and the fellas, participates in our shot fiasco and within the hour tells me we should go back to her place and cruise to Pound Town. While on our walk to her apartment, I had a serious pep talk with myself because there was no way in fucking hell was I going to fail, let alone have my dick fail on fucking this chick. "Eye of the tiger" was playing in my head and I was determined to do whatever it took to make sure that this night would not be a letdown. So when we got to her place I did what I should have done long ago...

I MANNED THE FUCK UP!

I threw this gal on the bed, whipped out my fucking junk, gave her mud flaps a good licking, then stuck my tropical popsicle in her with furious anger and great vengeance.

I WAS IN.

And when I say IN, I mean, I was so far up in this broad that I swear you could see the tip of my dong coming out of her mouth as happy tears streamed down her face as if she just won the lottery. It was like we were two virgins experiencing sex for the first time on grandma's plastic covered couch...except, no cherries were being popped and I wasn't titled "The Virgin Surgeon".

I manned up. I fucked her like Hurricane Sandy fucked the East Coast. With such great power and force that it spoke volumes. My dong, broke down her Berlin Wall. She was free at last and I got my manhood back. And to think, all it took was a little huevos, power and an attitude of attaining a goal. Oh, what the power of booze, physical attraction and determination could do to two people.

I don't know if the two guys you have banged are hung like mature hamsters or are just the "love making" type. The problem isn't that you're too tight. I mean, you fuck yourself with a vibrator...you never complained about that, right? The problem is that whoever you're fucking needs to fuck you and fuck you REALLY GOOD.

And don't give me this shit about how you don't like it rough. If a chick can birth a goddamn 10 pound baby that is 24 inches long, then getting pounded for 10-15 minutes should be a fucking cakewalk. Your vagina has a thresh hold that hasn't even been tested. Test that shit and break down those walls like I broke down Tighthole Magees. She thanked me for it and is a better whore for it til this very day. Ain't that right, whore?

Follow these words, have your man grow a steel sack and fuck you like a natural disaster is about to happen.

Things only stay air tight if you let it.

Time to create world peace...in your vagina.

Much love,

J-Wunder

The Cat Is Out Of The Bag

Dear Cat Woman,

It had been almost 2 months since our last encounter. The night I never expected turned into a footjob and me walking away with my pants down my ankles. J-Wunder and The CREW to this very day, will not let me live that night down. But I'm not going to lie, I was digging it. So much that I will confess, I was tugging my goods here and there while listening to Lionel Richie on those nights I was lonely.

I parted ways with you for a reason. You took things to a whole new level. Not a kinky one. Just one that gives me nightmares but at the same time, turns me on. I needed to seek help. So I went to my mom's therapist. What a goddamn waste. What I thought was patient to doctor confidentiality turned into my mom finding out and telling the whole fucking neighborhood what I had done with you. Do you know what it feels like having a bunch of members from the Red Hat Society questioning you about blow jobs from a woman who smells like cat shit, potpourri and mayo? I'll tell you...it's ridiculous, fucking awful and a reason for a woman who is 70 years old to hit on you while informing you that they can still get wet. That's right, a geriatric made a pass at me and wants to bone down. For that, I have no reason to live. Please, kill me now.

Depressed and confused, I was almost at the point that I was going to contact you again. But I didn't. You know what I did? I contacted my ex. My fine, fine, very fine ex-girlfriend who was planning to be in town Valentine’s Day when we spoke. We made plans for a date and I was on my way to heal all my wounds in one magical night.

Valentine’s Day arrives and the ex and I headed to a cool little restaurant that never gets too crowded. We ordered some wine, had a few good laughs, flirted a little and was well on our way to riding the PTE back at my pad. Then it happened...

You showed up. With one of your girlfriends. One who was not only bigger than you, but much uglier. If looks could kill, every mother fucker in that goddamn restaurant would have been dead. Slaughtered to death. That's straight up, truth.

I had to scratch my head for a moment and contemplate if you were following me because 1) This was some tiny, romantic bistro on the outskirts of town, perfect for setting the stage for pounding ass later and 2) HOW THE FUCK DID YOU FIND ME???

I was scared shitless, and my brain was still reeling at the sight of you, so I didn't make eye contact. But, you did what I thought you wouldn't do. You approached my table and started talking all loud like we were best buds. It went downhill from there...

Ex: "Who's that?"

Me: "Just some Special Ed student I tutored for a few months."

Ex: "Special Ed?"

Me: "Yes, woman. As in 'has fucking needs and shit.'"

Ex: "She didn't seem like a Special Ed student to me."

Me: "You're fucking crazy."

Ex: "Why so defensive? Wait...noooooo...did you? Please for the love of God, tell me you didn't?"

Me: "Didn't what? Tutor her?"

Ex: "Oh my God. You fucked her. You had sex with that girl, didn't you?"

It was at that point that I realized the way I was acting and turning beet red in the face that I was caught because of my own wrong doing. To this day, I have never had a drink thrown in my face, and I swear if my ex wasn’t such a booze-hag she would have dumped that shit on my head and cackled out of the restaurant. Instead, she chugged that shit like the boss bitch she is and told me to go fuck myself and stormed off.

She came back a second later and I thought she was going to forgive me and we were going to have a glorious, hate-filled fuckfest, but instead she said, "Better yet, go fuck that fat she-bitch you are so obviously into." And then she left, for good this time.

As this was a tiny little restaurant, everyone was able to see what had just gone down. Including you. Especially you. You looked at me with such lust in your eyes, I thought you were going to walk over barefoot and start foot-jobbing me right at the goddamn table. I swear to god you mouthed the words "meow" to me, before you walked over to me and whispered in my ear with breath that smelled like Fancy Feast and Dr. Pepper, "Ready to make my kitty purrrrrrrrrrr?"

You grabbed my hand and led me out of the restaurant and before we left you looked at your friend and said, "Handle my business, so I can go handle THIS business." I cannot lie, you acting like a kitty thug got me turned on. And you were wearing open-toe shoes, so I could see your feet in all their hideous, pterodactyl clawed, glory. To my own disgust, when I looked at your feet, I got a baby chub.

We got into your car and were off to your house. You told me that you would bring me back to my car when you were done with me. I shivered in terror at what you had just said, just as I heard the click of the automatic door locks. You obviously saw the terror and dread in my face because you said, "Don’t bother, the locks and windows have child safety locks and I have them turned on." Then you licked your lips and I watched in horror as your tongue ran across your chapped lips and faint moustache. Two words: Nair. Please.

We got to your house and you let me get in the door before circling back behind me and locking what must have been 9 different locks. Trapped and scared, I just tried to go to a place where I would hopefully not remember what was about to happen. I was not even tipsy, so I knew I was going to have to rely on my own sheer force of will to block out everything that was going on around me.

The sight of your cats, everywhere, licking themselves like you were about to lick me. The smell of musty cat litter, sadness and broken promises that permeated the house, the sight of you, so fat and disgusting, with so many rolls you're like the illegitimate love child of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man and the Pillsbury Doughboy. I was trying not to soak all this in, but it was getting to me. Then it happened.

You walked out of your bedroom (when had you gone in there, I didn’t even hear the sound of your cankles crushing the newspaper strewn all over the floor) in a sheer babydoll nightie and a thong. That poor, poor thong. I could hear the elastic screaming, shrieking and trying not to snap like a #2 pencil on SAT test day. You took me by the hand and led me through the cats, newspaper, and what I thought was a cat carcass to your bedroom. It had to have been the worst 20-30 feet I've ever walked in my life. You sat me down on the bed and then jumped on top of me, almost crushing the boner that I shockingly still had.

You ripped my clothes off with such abandon, with the strength and agility of a much tinier person. I didn’t think those sausage fingers would be able to navigate the buttons of my shirt or the zipper on my pants so quickly, but within seconds I was in nothing but my socks and you were on me, grinding and riding me like a desperate cat in heat. I don’t know how, but at some point in time you even managed to slip a rubber on me because as you put it, "I am not ready for my own litter of kittens." It was like you were teaching the art of sex as I was Daniel-San and you were Mr. Meow-gi.

From there, I think I did black out, but not from pain, but ecstacy. If I thought you had the best mouth ever, well I was wrong. It was like my schlong was wrapped in the softest of blankets and being milked by the gentlest of milk-maids. I closed my eyes and imagined I was with my smoking hot ex, and not your Chewbacca ass, but then you started moaning and mewling in what could only be described as a feral kitten being drowned in a vat of hot oil. It was the most awful sound ever. I knew I had to get off, to get you off me. So that’s just what I did.

The more I tried to stay in the zone, the sound of drowning tigers and slaughter goats kept me off focus. Knowing that I had to bust one and bust one fast, I just couldn't. So I did what any other man would do in this situation...I channeled my inner J-Wunder and The RINGER. I faked my o-face, used all my fight or flight energy to throw you off my dong, then with the quickness, ripped off the condom and tried to spit in it because knowing how crazy you are, you would probably want to check how much of a load I blew. But to fool someone crazy like you is out of the question. So as all that went down within a few short seconds, the only thing I could do was...RUN. And run I did. Naked and exhausted from what felt like a 12 round sumo wrestling match, I gathered my shit and peaced the fuck out. No solid goodbye, no hug, no awkward conversation to end the night. Just me, clothes and shoes in hand, running out the door so I could finally close a chapter to a story that has not only left me questioning who I am as a man, but as a man who loves women.

I don't know why and I don't know how...but what I do know is that after having sex with you, I could possibly become a priest...or just get really wasted and jump off a very high building.

What you have accomplished is something that will go down in the books. David vs. Goliath. The tortoise vs. the hare. The Road Runner vs. Wile E. Coyote. You were the underdog that shocked the world. Not once, not twice...but five times. For that, I applaud you as well as need psychiatric help.

Please go audition for the Biggest Loser because after our sexual encounter, I know for a fact, you don't weigh 230 pounds. Maybe your heart weighs that much, not you.

The cat is out of the bag,

Anonymous

Advice Column: Cum One, Cum ALL

I am asking you this question as I KNOW your response will be completely honest.

When does it mean when I have been repeatedly told "you're going to make me come too quick" or " You feel too good?!"

I pretty certain that it is never meant in a derogatory way but seriously, can my shit be too right?! I don't want to get pissed off but part of me thinks "OK it's MY fault that you can't handle it?"  It's not as thought I've got some extra special tricks I learned at a live sex show in Malaysia or something. I enjoy sex. All of it. But isn't it kind of a cop out if my partner always comes so fast that it's my fault?

Just so you know, I'm not some 17 year old and this is my second partner. I'm 44 and I've had two kids. The REGULAR way. So WTF?

I need to know.



Dear I Need To Know,

FACT: Society loves sex.

FACT: Men love pussy.

When I got your email, I read it twice. After thinking about what you wrote, I had sex. Twice. Once for 10 minutes. The second time for 45 minutes. Is there a point to any of this? No. I just thought I would let everyone know.

Sweetheart, as much as I love you being a fan, don't fucking flatter yourself entirely.

When it comes to men and pussy there are a few things you need to know. Luckily for you and the rest of the world, I'm here to share a little nugget of knowledge for all to enjoy, embrace and share. Let's begin, shall we?

There are 5 types of men that women will encounter when it comes to riding the Pound Town Express:


1) Usain Bolt:

No, I'm not talking about the sprinter, rather, his speed. In the sack. Dick goes in and he's crossing the finish line in a miraculous 5.3 seconds. Every man has experienced the Usain Bolt plague. I don't care if you experienced it when you were 15 or 50. You have so don't front, mother fuckers. However, some just can't shake that shit off. If sex is the name, then finishing fast is their game. EVERY FUCKING TIME. This includes rounds 2, 3, 4, 5 AND 6...that probably adds up to 5 minutes of total sexy time. Pretty fucked up, right? Now, could this be the cause of their penis touching your tight and wet vagina? Possibly, but if your shit felt like a brillo pad and was like throwing a hot dog in the Grand Canyon, then there is a good chance he's still gonna break world records. Why? Because you have a pussy and anytime his dick comes in contact with it, he loses his shit. That, or it's genetics. You might want to ask him to ask his pops what the fuck the deal is...


2) The Thinker:

"The Thinker, J? What the fuck is that, man?!" Glad you asked. The Thinker is the guy who COULD cum fast, but counters that fucked up madness by thinking about other shit while he makes you O-Face uncontrollably. "Well, what the fuck do these guys think about? Should I be worried?" Anything from "what time is the game tonight," to dead kittens behind a KFC dumpster,  The Thinker thinks about things that aren't sexual in order to last. Don't look at this as a turn-off because the reality is, he's trying to not only please you, but let you know his dick is the only dick you should be thinking about after he's done jackhammering your pavement to gravel. FYI...the only time you should be worried about The Thinker is if he pulls some weird new shit like choking you like he does the new broad he's banging...or he calls you her name. Does it happen? Do titties have nipples? Next.


3) The Kenyan:

"J, here you go with all these code words and shit. What in the name of FUCK is The Kenyan?!" Glad you asked again, bitches. You know those Kenyan marathon runners who can run for HOURS on end and never get gassed? 26.2 miles? Shit, bitch. How bout 100 miles AND I'll make your ass a gourmet fucking dinner when I get home? Like these crazy ass Kenyan runners, there are dudes out there that can fuck for days...AND NOT EVEN BUST A LOAD TO SAVE THEIR LIFE. It's not the girl, it's not the moment, it just IS what it is. The Kenyan, at first, is that dude that blows chicks away with his stamina...he's fucking her hard...she's having orgasms that only Jesus would consider the ultimate sin...but after 60 minutes of complete ground and pound on that pootie, chicks become weary that this guy may never bust his load all over that ass. It gets to the point that if the girl doesn't say anything, The Kenyan will keep going until he tries his damndest to unleash the fury of millions of little soldiers inside or on the lovely young lady he is pulverizing. These are the cats that are made for the BIG SCREEN. Porn, specifically. If these guys were to take Viagra, they would literally kill bitches with their dong. Real talk.


4) The Liquor Dicker:

J-Wunder is spent from writing this ode to the virility, or sometimes lack there of, in men, so he is allowing me to come in and bat clean-up. Not because I am any better at giving advice, but more because I have sadly encountered the next two, on too many occasions, for it to not be borderline sad. Scratch that. Just sad. But, don't cry for me, Argentina. I have had lots of good dick, too...however I have had the Liquor Dicker with more than one partner and in more than one capacity.

The Liquor Dicker comes in two types - "Neverending Story" or "No-Pump- Chump."

When you get a guy that is the "Neverending Story" he is this guy ONLY when he drinks (or does other substances, but we will speak in generalities for the purpose of this reply) and never when he is sober. When he is sober he is anything but the picture of sexual prowess and usually leaves you with a feeling of shock and awe...and not in a good way, but in a "did that even happen," way. Throw a couple of shots of Fireball down this guy's gullet and he is the Bruce Jenner of fucking and winning a gold medal in the sexual decathaschlong. The downfall of this (because there is one, I promise): I don't care if your pussy gushes like Niagra Falls, no chick can handle a dude pounding on you for so long you think the friction is gonna catch your snatch on fahhhhhhhhhr. Ain't nobody got time for that. Literally.

The "No-Pump- Chump" is the other end of the spectrum. Throw a couple of shots of Amaretto (because anyone with this affliction only drinks bitch shots) down his throat and his wang gets softer than Mario The Baker's pizza dough. Ladies, you and I both know that no matter how hard and good you suck it, smack it up, flip it, OR rub it down, you are not getting dickmatized by that wang at this juncture. Might as well bust out your rabbit and handle ya bidness. And keep that fucker away from the Amaretto the next time you wanna go on the P.T.E.


5) Mr. Par:

Oh, how my lily-whiteness is showing. Yes, I am using a golf-reference to talk about sex. But don't get caught up on that. Grab your golf bag and tell that caddy to stop washing your balls so vigorously and follow me down the links. Mr. Par is that preDICKtable fuck that we have all had. This is the guy that you can set your watch by, because you know when you start doing the horizontal mambo it is going to go down just like this: 4 Minutes of kissing, 6.5 minutes of oral; 2 for him and 4.5 for you (because he is a GIVER, goddamn it!), then 8 minutes of uninteresting sex - missionary, you on top, doggy and then he cums on your back with such gusto he thinks he just zombie fucked you. When someone gets Zombie fucked, they walk around afterwards looking like the undead and mumbling incoherently. You and I both know that did not just happen. This mother fucker thinks he is the Messiah of Dick and that he just gave you the rapture. EEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNGH. Wrong. Poor Delusional Fucker.


So there you have it. 5 types of men, women have encountered. Now, you're probably thinking H-Bomb and I haven't answered your selfish question. If you think we haven't, you need to read this 100 more times. Are women the cause to why some men blow their load quickly? Yes, BUT...more men are to blame because the 5 types listed above. But if you're still confused, here's the answer to your question:

YOU NEED TO STOP FUCKING A BUNCH OF USAIN BOLTS AND GET YOURSELF A MIX OF 2-5.

Good luck and Godspeed,

J-Wunderful and H-Bomb.com

2 Pump Chump

Advice Column: It's Who YOU Are

so, i read your shit all the time, cracks me up! i have a question like all the rest, maybe a little different

i dont know, i dont care....your up front and real with it and i like that

ive been with my man for 3-4-5 years now. we met, dated, undated and just fucked, hung out, fucked, etc for the first year. whatever our sitch, we always fucked! we obviously laid down the hammer after while....years later we still fuck like rabbits. its good, its nasty, its sexy, its hot. we get down and do things that you probably never even thought of before. we have an absolute fucking fantastic sex life. i love it. hell, hes the only one whose found the squirt spot and im the only one whose had him bent over *wink wink* we gets down...

from your manly point of view my question is this

why is it that he constantly has to unload all over my face, ass and titties? i would like to feel the likes of his cock pulsing in my girl parts every now and then

why does he feel the need to still jerk it twice a day? the sex life we have, there is NO WAY i am a bad lay after all this time

the end


Dear The End,

I'm guessing by the way you wrote in, your education level stopped at about 7th/8th grade, huh? I can't tell where the fuck your sentences start or end. It's like you're talking to me without taking a breath. That shit is fucked up but impressive...if you're retarded.

Here's a situation that's a no-brainer. Shame on you for not knowing what the fuck is up. I guess that's why you came to me, right? Let's do this shit!

In life, we all have this vision on how we want people to view us. The way we act or pretend to act, let's those know, "Hey, I need to treat this motherfucker like "X"." Deny it all you want, it's the goddamn truth.

Now, here you are in a fucked up relationship with a guy you've been dating, fucking, sucking, hating, loving, blah, blah fucking blahing. The sex is great and that's about it. The reality is, sometimes it is just about the sex. You could hate a motherfucker but once they get naked, you're in love again. Real talk. But once those 3 minutes are over, you go right back to hating a sonofabitch.

As much as sex is fan-fucking-tastic, why is Don Juan De Fuck-O not busting a nut inside you, rather all over you and still yanking his wang twice a day? The answer I'm about to tell you is true and it's pure fact. Here is the obvious answer to the first part...

Even though you two have amazing sexcapdes, he still jerks off because HE'S A GUY. He's a guy who loves fucking and loves jerking off. "Well J-Wun, is that normal?" Does cum look like expired yogurt, bitch? Of course it's normal, Sweet Tits Magee!!! Come the fuck on with that shit. Look, I don't care how good you fuck this cat, the reality is, he will find the last piece of energy surging through his hand and wang to get that last nut. Even if it means he's O-FACING blood. I would not lie about this shit. Trust. Get the fuck over yourself and the fact that dickboy needs some alone time after he bangs you. God created man to eat, sleep, fuck and jerk off...oh, and get shitface drunk while watching sports. We good? Now onto the second part of your question - How come your man doesn't want to hose down your insides and only the outsides?

The answer to this is very simple.

You acting like a dirty whore, tells him to treat you like a dirty whore. You said it yourself...

"It's good, it's nasty, it's sexy, it's hot. We get down and do things that you probably never even thought of before. We have an absolute fucking fantastic sex life."

It seems not only to myself, but to Dickadamus that you welcome him jizzifying all over your goddamn face, ass and titties every time he nails you. You have set the tone of, "If we fuckin', you can treat me like the whore that I am," every single time. If you're not saying anything, why would he change what he's doing? You have put this dudes mind in that "dirty porn world." He's Jack Le Balls and you're Sasha Grey. Congrats, skank. Now before you go off, shake your head and yell at that computer screen, "Fuck you J-Wunder, I'm no skank. I just like fucking my man in a dirty way and he likes it too." My dear, if you act a certain way, you will be treated a certain way.

Women like bad boys. They date them, have a grand 'ol time then 3 months later wonder why they get treated like shit and why they were cheated on. If you set an expectation, be prepared to have that expectation filled...like a jelly fucking donut or an Asian girl who just got bukak-tified in a 30 man gang bang. Hey, I don't make the rules, I just state the facts. On the other hand, a man wants a lady in the streets and a freak between the sheets. You, my dear, are no fucking lady ANYWHERE, so why would your sexpectations dictate that you should be treated like one, anywhere? Real talk. 

The day you made it alright for your man to hose down your face and have a field day making human splatter paint projects on your ass and titties, was the day you should have set expectations. Instead of you saying, "Babe, I don't mind you making cum murals on my face and body, but can you jizzle in my vizzle every 3rd lay?," you kept your mouth shut and just "went with it"? Why? Because you thought it was nasty, dirty and sexy. It's what made sex all the better, right? By not saying shit, he now has this expectation that he can and will treat you like a whore. I mean, why would he think otherwise? You assumed it would change because getting cum blobbed on was starting to get old and wasn't the business, right? What guy would always want to do that to a woman he's constantly having sex with? Here's some words of advice: NEVER ASSUME THINGS WILL CHANGE IF YOU DON'T SAY SHIT.

The only problem you have is that your mouth only wants to work when you're sucking cock and not telling him what's good for you. Set an expectation and they will run with it. So until you actually speak the fuck up, keep enjoying those face, ass and titty cum-filled hose downs. Shit or get off the pot.

You're Welcome,

J-Wunder

The MILF Who Wanted Me To Call Her "MOM"

Another Thursday night I thought. Then again, whenever I go out with my "drinking buddies", just "another Thursday night" goes straight to fucking hell. See, going out with friends, things can be contained to a certain point. But with "drinking buddies"? All bets are off! Here's my story...

I meet up with my boy in North Beach thinking for some goddamn reason it was going to be a mellow, but fun night. As soon as I walk in the bar all I hear is, "JJJJJJJJJJJJJJJJ...drinks on me tonight you sad sack of shit! Now who wants a shot pussy?!" I love my buddy. Known him since I moved back to the Bay Area in 2007. But honestly, this guy has not left the college mindset. I guess what I'm telling you folks is that he's a douche. But a very rich douche who always looks out for me because he knows when it's time to bring the thunder, the Ghetto Genius is gonna bring the fucking thunder. Knowing I was going to get shitfaced, I knew the last train to the East Bay was going to leave a little after midnight. My buddy didn't care, nor did the girl who was sitting next to us at the bar.

Girl: "Hi, my name is Rachel. What's yours?"

Me: "I'm J, and this is my buddy...'

Buddy: "Mr. Lover-Lover baby."

See, I told you he was a fucking douche.

It was at that moment I knew I was gonna miss the goddamn train. By the way Rachel looked at me and how my buddy started acting a fool, there was no way in hell I was gonna get out of here alive. Knowing that, I said, "Fuck it...let's get smashed." Hopefully not too smashed because I had a crazy feeling I was gonna get laid by this stranger who had long brown hair and a rack that screamed "motorboat me big boy."

Drink after drink, we laid shit down. Shots of Fireball, tequila, some orange/blue weird looking shit, the night was turning for the worse, but in a good way. I kept tabs on how much I was drinking but more importantly, how much Rachel was because by the next hour, I'm making out with this broad and squeezing her ass like I was trying to wring out a Sham-Wow while washing my car.

By hour number two, I was drunk. 10 shots and 5 Grey Goose/sodas in, I told my buddy that Rachel and I were gonna head back to her place. Only because if I drank for another hour, not only would all of us be annihilated, but my dick probably wouldn't function and I can't go down as the guy that had pussy on a platter but had a dick that looked like a month old red rope licorice...all limp and paralyzed. Fuck that and fuck no. Rachel and I hop in a cab and cruise to her place in the Tenderloin. Now, for you folks who don't know where the Tenderloin is in San Francisco, let me just say it's a bum and crackheads home base. If you can imagine that, then there is nothing else left to be said.

We finally get to her studio after dodging every crackhead trying to sell us crack rocks and threesomes for 75 cents. As soon as we open the door, we got down to business...

I'm naked, she's naked and things begin to get all ricockulous with biting and baby oil flying all over the place. Just by the way she was talking, I knew she was a freak who was looking for a good night of fucking. But just as the sexcapades started off on the right foot, I took a moment to look around...just to make sure I knew where the fuck I was because I was hammered as shit. Then I noticed a few things:

- Two big ass cribs by the kitchen.
- A diaper genie by the bathroom.
- A stroller by the door.
- Pics of her and her family on the walls.
- A mural of Jesus just chillin' above the tv.
- Baby clothes next to the bed which was really a queen sized futon.

I stood above this hot ass brunette, with a huge boner mind you, and thought to myself, "I'm either fucking a really hot mom or we're in some ghetto ass daycare that she teaches at." It wasn't a daycare and she was no nanny. She was a mom. A MILF. A woman who more than likely was not single since there were pics of a dude with her and her two kids in every goddamn picture I saw in a frame. It's every man's dream to fuck a MILF and I already accomplished that years ago. But a MILF who was taken? Not my style. Before I could say anything she said, "Don't worry, I'm not with him anymore and my kids are with him this week." Drunk, confused and about to throw the fuck up from the diapers that haven't been thrown away I said, "Ok, so you still wanna bone I take it?" She said nothing, pulled out a box of jimmy caps from under her Sleep Train purchased futon and smiled. It was goooooo time...

I tapped that ass like it was the last piece of pussy on earth. From missionary to doggy to froggy to the reverse cowgirl, we were fucking like two pornstars having another day at the office. It was good shit to say the least. That was until she stopped screaming and moaning then starting talking...

Rachel: "Yeah, you like that baby?! Call me mom. Call me mom you bad boy."

It was then, and right then I thought to myself, "Did this broad just tell me to call her mom? Maybe she said mommy? WTF?!"

Rachel: "Call me mom you dirty little boy. CALL ME MOM RIGHT FUCKING NOW!!!!"

"This bitch is really asking me to call her mom. Like I'm her fucking child. Uhhhhh..."

Me: "Yeah mommy, take that shit you bad girl."

Rachel: "I said mom, fucker. It feels so fucking good to call me mom, not mommy. Call me mom."

Now, I'm into some freaky shit. Been there, done that. You name it, I've done it and probably said it too. But mom?! If that didn't get my head twisting and turning what came next made me feel like I was in a really fucked up dream but still gave me a hard-on that could break pure steel.

She was taking her titties and squeezing them so hard that breast milk was shooting EVERYWHERE. And when I say everywhere I mean, ALL OVER ME.

My face, chest, face, neck, chest, head...it was like I was that little Asian girl in the porn with 10 big ass dicks going bukaki all over me. I couldn't react in a negative way so I just went for it.

Me: "You liked being fucked mom. You like that shit?"

Rachel: "OMG...yes, yes, yes, YESSSSS!!!!"

As I reached for her titties and squeezed them, I ended up shooting myself dead in the mouth mid-sentence with a line drive of breasts milk that felt like it knocked out my tonsils. WTF is going on right now? This is not happening. That's when I couldn't take it and did what I never thought I would ever do in front of a woman...

I puked. Right on her tits. If that didn't make matters worse, I told her, "Who gets off asking some dude to call her mom? This ain't right. I can't fuck you anymore because calling you mom is like I'm fucking my own mom!!! And my mom ain't even hot." Then it became dead silent. Rachel lying there, titties covered in tequila, Fireball, and orange/blue shit puke while I sat above her covered in drool and mad titty milk. If I could actually see myself, it probably looked more like 10 gallons of semen.

Rachel: "I thought you liked freaky?!"

Me: "I do. But by freaky I wasn't thinking you asking me to call you "mom" and using your tits as super soakers."

Again, it became silent and oddly enough, I was still jabbing her vagina with my pecker thinking we could forget all this ever happened and continue this sexcapade in the shower. Well, that didn't happen. I got up, she still laid there covered in my puke and I bounced out...clothes in hand with a condom still wrapped around my wang.

I got dressed in the hall of her apartment complex, called a cab and stayed at my buddy's house. When I got there I come to find the drunk bastard passed out, butt ass naked, holding a Hot Pocket watching a porno I gave him 4 years ago. This mother fucker will never learn. But who the fuck am I to talk, right?

So here I am at work...hung the fuck over and wearing the same clothes from last night but with breasts milk stains on my shirt that look like a bunch of dudes from the gay bar had a good 'ol gang bang of a time on me. Awkward much?

FUCK MY LIFE. I'M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.

That's a complete lie. I'm still gonna drink but NEVER with my "drinking buddies" EVER again. Ok, that's also a lie.

Advice Column: A Not So Helping Hand

Okay, So I really need some advice...Answers, idk what. Let me just explain. I have been with my husband for 7 years. I remember the first time I saw him whack it while we were having sex. I was very turned off and didn't like it at all but I was like whatever...This is probably normal. Well 7 years later he is still choking the chicken while he's supposed to be fuckin me. It would be going great and all of a sudden he starts on it again and then complains when my pussy dries up like the damn desert. It wouldn't be Such a big deal if he didn't do it for so long. I mean why would a guy want to masturbate when he has a sexy hourglass shaped woman (who loves pleasing her man) right in front of him?? I don't know what the issue is. He was locked up for a little while before we started dating so maybe he picked it up while in the big house? But that was over seven damn years ago. Idk I'm sorry to just be going on and on but I need some help. All I want to know is if It's normal and if so, up to what point is it too much?

Thank you,
Competing with a hand



Dear Competing With A Hand,

I'm glad you wrote in for two reasons:

1) I am the master of Sexcapades.

2) I am the master of yanking thy wang.

Put those two amazing things together and you get, "J-Wunder: Pussy Slayer". But enough about me, this is about you and the problem you're having with your man, his masturbating addiction and your lack of a sex life. Grab some paper, a pen and pay close fucking attention.

Now, I don't know if you know this about men but there is an ancient Chinese secret that's been around since Jesus was pimpin' on bitches during wine and bread breaking parties. Wanna know what that long lost secret that's really not a secret, is? Come closer. Closerrrrr. Closerrrrr...don't be shy. Ok, stop. You ready to find out this 48 Hours Mystery? Check it:

MEN LOVE TO MASTURBATE.

Pretty fucked up secret that's really not a secret, right? Are you fucking retarded woman? Wake the fuck up. Is this normal? Um, do you wipe your ass after you take a shit? OF COURSE IT'S NORMAL. Well, I mean, I yank my wang all the time so I would think it's normal. If J-Wunder does it, then a majority of males do it. We're the 99% if you know what I'm saying.

I sat on your question trying to find an answer. Not a scientific or philosophical one. But an honest one. So what I'm about to say might probably offend you but hey, you wrote in to me, so why the fuck do I care if you're offended. I just tell it how it is. Maybe by the end of this column you'll fucking thank me and get the fuck over yourself.

There are two reasons why he masturbates as much as he has for as long as he has.

1) YOU ARE AWFUL IN BED.

As you sit there cursing at your computer screen calling me an asshole and probably a pencil dick mother fucker, truth be told, just because you like to please your man, doesn't mean you're PLEASING your man. Hey, I like to think my dick is 10 inches long, but is it? Negative. You're horny all the time and want the Dum Dum Dick Pop? Congrats to you. Still doesn't mean that you're a good lay. If a dude would rather jerk off in front of you, next to you, in the other room, on a sandwich, at church, on the dance floor in a club, driving home, playing golf, drinking a beer, sleeping, taking a shit or while taking out the trash then FUCK YOU SILLY...there's a problem. And you're it. Sad, I know.

RULE #29 ON TALKING ABOUT SEX: Never admit a fault you have to a guy named J-Wunder.

Your pussy dries up like a desert? If you've been with your husband for 7 years and he's masturbated more times then you two have boned, this is probably one of the reasons. Not sure if you heard of this amazing thing called "lube" but you should try it sometime. It helps sandpaper pussy victims like yourself, feel like a pool of jello...not the pudding kind either because that would be like fucking a chick with a yeast infection. But I wouldn't know anything about that so don't fucking raise your eyebrows and think I have, fuckers. You can get this shit practically anywhere. Just make sure if you actually buy this shit and use it, don't use massive amounts. You do that, you and your husband will be sure to have a goddamn slip 'n slide party and I guarantee some mother fucker might fly from the bed out through the mother fucking window. True story.

Even though dudes jerk off, we still love the female bunker. However, for your husband, your pussy is getting overpowered by the Handerson Twins. Trust me, he uses both hands. If not all the time, some of the time. Men like to mix that shit up. Can't be having forearms all uneven and shit. Which brings me to my next and final point...


2) YOU ARE AWFUL IN BED AND HE'S ADDICTED TO MASTURBATING.

You know what's worse than being a bad lay? Knowing that your husband has had better sex fucking his hand. Real talk.

I'll admit, I will yank my pole 2-3 times a day. How-the-fuck-ever, I will bang a chick 3-4 times a day in the process. This is me getting the best of both worlds. Why? 1) I love to bone. Plain.And.Simple. 2) I'm a dude that loves to jerk off. I don't know what the fuck it is but I can't stop myself. Since I can't have a piece of pussy with me 24/7 while it's constantly on my mind, a brother has to do what he needs to do to relieve himself. That's where Handa Montana comes in. I get mine all by my lonesome then 4 hours later, lady friend gets hers AND I get mine again. Double fucking whammy.

Your situation isn't like mine. Hell no it ain't. It's actually worse. Way worse. Like, you're better off leaving him or just playing with your hoo-ha when he whacks off, worse. There is no denying the fact your man is addicted to jerking off. A LOT. If a guy is fucking a chick and suddenly decides to whip his shit out of your sand trap and jerk off for the next 10 minutes in front of you, there's a problem. One of those problems being YOU and the second, well, you know the second problem the minute he whips his dick out and starts fucking his hand like it's the second coming of Jenna Jameson. Not many guys I know would ever do that, but the guys I do know, are just like your husband. "But what if that's not it J-Wunder and he's gay?" Well my dear, not only are you a bad lay and he's addicted to masturbating but he likes dicks too. That has got to be the worst fucking way to go out in a marriage. "Hey guys, Joey and I are getting a divorce. It seems that he not only dislikes the way I fuck him with my sandpaper vagina but, he would rather masturbate at all hours of the day while get ass rammed by another man with a lubed up wang." Sweet Tits, that's not the conversation you need to have, let alone, need to think about. BUT, it wouldn't surprise me because nothing surprises me these days.

There's really no solution I have for you other than to go see a sex therapist or get your shit together. No man should or would ever turn down pussy unless he's gay or paralyzed. I don't care how addicted he is to fucking his hand, if the pussy is there, that should be his addiction. Find something to mix things up and get your pussy like that jello I was talking about. Why? Put it this way, if he can masturbate with the same two hands for years and get off by doing so, then why can't you give him something that won't bore him, or become uninterested in? You have a set of tits, sexy hourglass shaped body and a goddamn vagina. If you can't take his attention away from his hands at least twice a day and keep it there, please go run into oncoming traffic and hope the man of your pussy willow dreams hits you with his car.

Keep Your Eyes On The Prize,

J-Wunder

Top 5 Worst Bitches in Bed...Actually, Top 1

Back in March, I wrote a column, Top 5 Baddest Bitches In Bed. And in that column described the five most memorable bitches I have ever slept with in my 20 years of smashing ass. Til this day, if you were to ask me to my face, if those top 5 bitches still hold true, I’d tell you, “Damn fucking straight they do.” And after many fan requests, I figured it was time. Time to list the Top 5 Worst Bitches in Bed. You can’t have a good without the bad, right?

People, I’ve had some bad fucking lays in my life. Like really fucking bad. But nothing, I mean nothing could top what you’re about to read. Lets put it this way…this bitch was so mother fucking awful that I couldn’t even do a Top 5 list. Why? Because this broad was so fucking bad that when I think of a bad sexual experience, she’s the only bitch that pops up in my goddamn head. EVERY.FUCKING.TIME. This is how it all went down…

It was just another Friday night back in 2001 in good ol' San Luis Obispo, CA. The weather was on point, bitches were out, the booze was flowing like a mother fucker and this night was going to be the night your boy, J-Wunder, was going to ground and pound the fuck out of some Pu-Tang Clan. Even if he had to roofie it. Wait, what?

Chillin’ with the fellas at our usual spot, Hudson’s, the night started off right – shots, shots, shots! I swear I drank so much Jager, I think I shat out a tub of black licorice the next day. Anyway, thinking it was gonna be myself and the fellas rollin’ deep as usual, a few homegirls decided to join. But in this group, I noticed a stranger who tagged along. A blonde one. 5’ 2”. Tight ass. Supple titties. Shy. Well, that was until she started drinking…

A conversation sparked regarding sex and blow jobs (the two greatest things in the world next to eating pussy and A/C). Being the reserved mother fucker that I am when it comes to such talking topics like this amongst females, I just sat back, listened and observed. Why? Because any good player who knows the game, knows what to listen for before they go into game mode before sealing the deal and tapping that ass. Ya feel me?

So like any normal sex and bj convo, it started off with the basic shit: sex is good, oral is great, blah, blah bliggity fucking blah. Then it wasn’t til blondy started to open her mouth that I paid close fucking attention…

Blondy: “I love it when a guy can fuck me til I cum so hard that I almost start crying…If I could suck cock all day, I would…I may be small, but I like it in the ass once in a while...I love me some sex...”

My eyes opened, ears perked up and my cock found its way out of the little dick hole in my boxer briefs. The signs were all there and it was time to go in for the kill…

We leave our spot and we head to Mother’s Tavern. The perfect place to get shitfaced drunk and makeout with bitches (even ugly ones) without feeling guilty because everyone around you is doing it too. I buy Sugar Tits Magee a drink, walk up to her and say, “I guess I should introduce myself…my name is J and here’s a vodka/soda. Nice lips...mind if I make out with you?” Now, that was probably the dumbest shit a woman could ever hear from a guy they literally just met for 15 seconds but had been sitting next to for 2 hours talking about sexual shit. Didn't matter though...bitch ate that shit up like an anaconda eating a fucking mature goat for breakfast.

Now before y’all get bored with the rest of this fucking fluff, lets fast forward to the good shit, shall we?

I ended up making out with this bitch on the dance floor...with one hand on her small ass titty and the other hand on that tight perky ass. Bumpin'. Gridin'...about to seal the deal and take this little number home and bang her into a coma.

We get back to my place and shit gets heated. We're making out. Her clothes are flying off. My clothes are being ripped off. Dirty talk ensues. Nipples were being pinched. Balls were being tickled. Vagina was being eaten. Then it was time. Time to do the fucking nasty. No, not take a shit on her chest you sick fucks. I'm talking about boning mother fuckers. Straight up, 100%, unadulterated gang banging minus the gang. You're welcome.

Hard as a fucking jackhammer and amped up to go American Psycho on this chick, I threw her on the bed, took one look at her and said, "I hope you brought a wheelchair baby, because you're about to be fucked into paralysis, sweet tits." It was then and only then that this situation turned for the worst. But how could it? All this mumbo-jumbo talk prior to gettin' all freaky-deaky on the dance floor was just the beginning to a great night of fucking, right? Wrong bitches. Way mother fucking wrong.

Remember blondy who talked such a huge game about sucking this, fucking that, anal this, chili dog that? Well, she wasn't all that she was cracked up to fucking be. Real talk. She wasn't this broad that LOVED to bone. Hell, I don't even think she knew doggystyle was a sexual position. She was a poser. A liar. A non-freak. A once-in-awhiler fucker. She my friends, was a DEAD FISH. She lied there, looking at me...probably waiting for me to spit on her face or call her dirty names or some shit. Hands at her sides. Like a corpse. She went straight "mummified" on me people. Was it me? Did I say something to scare this bitch? I knew punching her in the ass instead of slapping it was a bit too much. I should have went raw dog on her. Bitches love the raw dog. Fuck, I LOVE the raw dog.

All of this was a bad dream. Fuck it...more like nightmare. There she was, lying there like a dead fucking fish, meowing like a goddamn cat as I did dick pump reps in-and-out like I was doing my daily stretches at the gym. I was disinterested and thought about pulling my dick out and just asking her if it was cool to jerk off in a sock and finish myself off like a teenager in the handicap stall at school. Wait, what? But before I could even shoot those words out my mouth, it happened. My dick went limp inside of her (you read that right). It died within minutes (9 to be exact). My dong was so turned off by this bitch that it shrunk into my stomach...making me look like I had a vagina that resembled that of a 13 year old girl from Cambodia.

QUESTION: Fellas, what percent do you think who are in the act of fucking a woman (this includes blow-up dolls), get dick shrinkage if it is NOT whiskey dick?

ANSWER: ZERO FUCKING PERCENT. Z-E-R-O. No man...I mean, no fucking man would ever...ever, ever, ever, ever EVER...get dick shrinkage in the act of fucking a female or anything that resembles that of a vagina. This includes but is not limited to: a melon, cantaloupe, apple pie, london broil (raw), a Twinkie, Ho-Ho or any Hostess product, etc.

This bitch was by far the worst lay EVER. And if this situation wasn't bad enough, I actually faked an O-FACE for my FIRST TIME EVER. That's right. I did what women have mastered for centuries. I was good at it too. All grunty and shit. Breathing all hard. Rolling my eyes in the back of my head like the exorcist and shit. Hell, I even started convulsing so bad that she freaked out a little bit because the bitch thought I was have an epileptic seizure. I even did a one-up by spitting on my cock when she wasn't looking to make it look like I came. Too bad I was so drunk that I didn't realize it should have been IN the condom, not on top of the mother fucker. But hey, can you blame a brotha? Hella spit all over my dong. Shit was comedy to be honest.

After I praised her for being "such a great lay", I told her to get the fuck out because I needed to sleep alone since I have a huge fear of "sleeping with people". I told her I have a tendency to choke people while trying to fuck them in the mouth in my sleep, so my therapist thought it would be wise to let others around me know that. Who falls for that shit? Obviously this bitch, right? Don't worry though...I called a cab for her and gave that bitch 37 cents because that's all I could find underneath the couch.

After she left, I realized something while eating something that tasted like Chow Mein, but might have been month old spaghetti...people who blatantly talk a big game, don't have one. I think I'll stick to fucking chicks who are whores and don't talk like ones.

Here's to you real whores who keep a man's dick hard.

Homie Don't Play That Shit

Even the dog's amazed...

Growing Condoms

I see gonorrhea in your near future...

Wanting Mr. Popular

A Night I Wish I Never Would Remember

It was the most awkward fucking moment I’ve ever had in my fucking life. No, I’m not talking about whiskey dick. Hell, I’m not even talking about under performing in the sack. I’m talking about my first threesome. With me, my buddy and this hot brunette we met at a bar one night. Fellas, ever been in a threesome with another dude and your dicks touch? If you haven’t, let me just tell you…it’s the most fucked up feeling in the world. Have a seat, this should be entertaining…

My buddy and I brought a chick back to my place to play two cocks and one vagina. Never in my life have I seen a broad so fucking eager to want to have a threesome. And never have I been so fucking excited to be in one. I’ll be honest, I wish it was with me and two other chicks but fuck…beggars can’t be choosers, right? Game time was under way…

There she was…drunk, horny and ready for two strangers to do some ground and pound on that ass and vagina. I pulled my buddy into the living room so we can establish some ground rules since this was my first time and all. Basically, I told him if we were gonna do this, we had to make a few things clear:

1) She’s sucking my dick first. I ain’t trying to get my dick sucked second then have her kiss me. Fuck all that. Last thing I want to do is taste your fucking cock in her mouth. Truth be told, I need to kiss a bitch because if she’s a good kisser, that tells me she’s gonna do a pretty good job giving dome. FACT.

2) Cum on her, not in her. We’re boys and I love you but bro, I ain’t trying to get your sticky icky on my fucking cock dude. That shit is just fucking gross.

3) It’s a threesome not a twosome, so don’t get greedy with the pussy. Friends share, motherfucker.

4) If you cum too early, there is no re-entry. Tough luck bitch.

5) No matter what, there will be NO SWORD CROSSING AND/OR TOUCHING. I have nothing against gays but if our dicks touch, I’m gonna freak the fuck out.

Five rules. Five simple fucking rules that I thought could be followed. A night that went sooo fucking right in the beginning, turned into an awkward fucking moment towards the end. Not for the chick…but for my buddy and I. Or should I say, me.

The threesome was like a perfectly written script. We were fucking, she was moaning and the earth was moving at a rapid pace. I don’t think I’ve ever hi-fived a friend more times in one night than I did that night. I’m telling you, this bitch was a fucking freak. One minute she was sucking and getting fucked, the next minute she was telling us to line up next to each other so she could squirt her version of Niagra fucking Falls onto our faces. Shit was going down, my room smelled like a butcher shop and this broad was giving and getting everything she asked for and wanted. Then it fucking happened…

Chick: “I want one of you to put it in my ass and the other in my pussy. Do it right now you hard dick mother fuckers. NOW!!!!”

It was those words that I knew this bitch didn’t fuck around. I mean, I should have known she was a goddamn freak when she was asking one of us to choke her while the other one was taking a belt and spanking her ass like it was full on child abuse for 25 fucking minutes. It was like we were doing some sort of naked gang initiation to this broad but she was calling all the fucking shots. So without any thought, my buddy gave me the signal he was going in for the brown eye while I go in for the good ‘ol vag. Within 5 minutes, mission accomplished. However two minutes after, shit went south…

There I am, going to town…pounding that shit like I was tenderizing meat. She’s screaming. We’re grunting. Shit is going down like a Jenna Jameson porn from 2002. Then in one outward dick pump, that moment of manliness, turned into the most fucked up moment of the night…our dicks touched. Full on, 100%, my dick and my buddy’s dick did one full dick stroke in stride. It was like synchronized swimming but for sex. Balls and everything. Gliding and touching as if we were holding hands, skipping in a field full of fucking daisies.

It was at that moment when his dick touched mine that my night was done. My penis that was so hard for so long shrunk into a Vienna Sausage instantly. Look, I’m no homophobe by any means, but when your laying down on your back, as a hot chick is riding you and all of the sudden you feel another cock rub up against yours…you’re gonna freak the fuck out. Especially if it’s your first time. Trust me, if I was a pro at this, I probably could have shrugged it off and kept going, but I couldn’t. My dick couldn’t. Everything inside me died. Rubbing dicks with my boy startled me so fucking bad that when my dick went limp, it looked like I jumped into a pool that was 42 degrees. Talk about scared, right? You try being the guy that pulls away from the horny broad and looks like your cock just turned into a fucking vagina. Not cool. At all. Thank fucking goodness she was at least a little drunk so she couldn’t notice (I think).

The only thing I could do at that moment was not say a thing and shoot straight to the bathroom. At that point, I didn’t even care if that chick was even thinking anything. I was just mad at the fact that my buddy was able to shrug it off and fuck her like it was the last piece of pussy he was ever going to bang. To his credit, he finished off the job and I’m pretty sure she came so hard she cried. Fucking asshole.

I spent those last moments in the bathroom giving myself a pep talk on how everything was going to be ok and that shit happens. Who the fuck does that? Who freaks out from a minor dick rub after 25 minutes then gets dick shrinkage that looks as if is hung like a toddler? This guy…that’s fucking who. I never had a threesome after that and promised myself if I were to ever do it again, it would have to be with two other chicks. I guess having another dick in the conversation isn’t my thing.

I bet I’ll forever be known as the guy that got baby dick after an innocent dick hi-five. Fuck that shit.This is fucked up!

Best of Craigslist: A Thought Out Plan

To the guy in my closet, you don't have AIDS - m4w - 30 (Lakewood)


Date: 2009-08-31, 7:18AM EDT
Reply To This Post


First off I want to relieve your fears that you probably don't or at least I hope you don't have AIDS.

When I came home 3 days ago I heard what was obviously mediocre sex going on in my bedroom. Since I quickly made the deduction that someone had probably not broken into my apartment for some quick copulation I figured I had just caught my wife cheating on me which I had long suspected. Your ofish grunts were so loud that I actually had to reopen the door and slam it again for you two to hear me. I stood in the entry for a while as I heard you both scramble before calling out that I was home.

When I walked into the bedroom my wife had some excuse about having a headache and when asked about the nighty she was wearing she said it was the most comfortable thing she could find. Oh...and btw, I don't know how many affairs that you participate in but a word of advice is that when you hide in the closest from an angry husbands you shouldn't leave a few toes hanging out from under the door. At this point I am in a bit of a predicament.... I could have the typical masculine response and open the door and beat the piss out of you but then you might file charges and quite frankly I just don't really care enough. Not to mention I don't know how big you are and I couldn't think of anything much worse than finding your wife cheating on you and then get pummeled by her new lover. It entered my mind to have some marathon sex and make you stand and watch the whole thing but seeing how she is a dirty whore the idea grossed me out a little. I came pretty close to just hanging out and masterbating but I am glad I went the direction I did.

So in liue of those options I thought of the funniest thing I could do for my own personal amusement. I sat her down on the bed and looked deeply in her eyes and told her that I had been diagnosed with early stages of AIDS. Recently I have had a series of colds and went to the doctor who told me it was probably just a string of bad luck and it was going around a little bit. The whole thing took about 2 hours and involved a lot of yelling, accusing and crying.

I felt like I hadn't punished you quite enough, even though I fully acknowledge that it really isn't your fault at all, so I told her that the illness was making me tired so I needed to lay down. I could hear her on the phone making an appointment with the doctor and I could hear you rustling around in the closest. You did a great job holding still seeing how you probably aren't used to standing in a 3'x4' closest for hours and hours on end but if I hadn't already known you were there you would have been caught for sure.

After about another hour of laying in bed thinking of what I was going to do I felt sorry for you to be mixed up in this crazy thing so I said I was going to go fill the prescriptions the doctor gave me and left the apartment so you could leave. I hope that you weren't too uncomfortable in there and actually felt a little guilty about it later.

Anyways, I put this in missed connections because I actually wouldn't mind taking you out and buying you a drink. After all that is some funny stuff to laugh about and you are saving me thousands in alimony since my wife cheated and the least I can do is repay you for a $4.00 beer.

Again no hard feelings and best of luck!

BTW, you might still want to get your self tested since my wife is a dirty whore.

* Location: Lakewood

If it has a hole, it's good to go!