Thursday, January 10, 2013

Advice Column: He's Not a Man, He's A Bitch

Dear J-Wunder,

How come I'm out working hard to make sure all of our bills are paid and all the time he's talking shit saying I have a man on the side?

Dear Bank Of Hoemerica,

Apologies in advance for calling you a hoe. Didn't know what to add after "Bank Of" so "Hoe" kinda sounded pretty fucking good. You're no hoe...unless you are, are you? If you are, hit me up on email. But I digress...

Sweet Tits, here's your problem:


I know it and all these goddamn people reading this column know it. That said, I could actually end this post and let you figure out the rest. However, I'm the Ghetto Genius and it wouldn't be right if I didn't expand on your issue and how to deal with this man who exemplifies the term BITCHASSNESS to the very fucking fullest. You're welcome.

See, in life, a majority of men in general feel that they are expected to bring home the bacon. Make the dolla dolla bill yo and provide for themselves and more importantly, their woman (or women) and any children (this includes illegitimate children) they may have. Doing that gives them this sense of accomplishment. Something to the extent where they feel like mother fuckers owe them something because of all the hard work, dedication and cheddar they bring to the table, 24/7/365.

It's in our blood. It's been that kind of expectation for centuries. Women stay home, do what they're fucking told and daddy does all the shit to support the family. There's no mystery to that. How-the-fuck-ever, times have fucking changed. It's the new goddamn millennium and women are more empowered as they should be. Equality is spreading like wild fire and bitches are paying their dues, taking on corporate America, acting stronger, more independent and doing work and getting fucking paid. Girl power is at an all-time mother fucking high and broads are making SOME men look like little fucking bitches. Your man being one of those men.

When that happens, you know what happens? Men act insecure and like little twats. This isn't about you do anything wrong in your relationship. It's not about you fucking the neighbor, your best friend or the chinese dude who owns the liquor store across the street. This is about you taking care of your shit, making shit happen and telling him with your actions, "Hey bitch, I'm paying our bills, getting paid and being a responsible ass adult. Appreciate the good I'm doing for myself and us." Unfortunately, he doesn't see it that way. As you work the daily grind, it bugs your man that you're a woman taking care of the family...and it's not just him. Who knew women can bring in some money, work hard and at the end of the day, not want to cook a fucking steak for someone else because they actually contributed something more than some June Cleaver bullshit. Ya feel me?

Some men want to be the Top Dawg. Why? Because who wouldn't? For years on end, men have been the go-to guy in relationships, marriages and the mother fucking world yo! Don't hate ladies because at the end of the day, it's fact. How so? Because society said so and made it that expectation. Why do you think you have a plethora of women just playing the role of "stay-at-home-mom" and not trippin' off of doing big thangs in corporate fucking America? Because men feel it's their one and only duty to make shit happen while boo-thang takes care of shit on the home front...feeding babies, cooking, cleaning and sucking wang when Honey Dearest comes home from a long ass day at work. is different as fuck. Ain't no woman with determination and drive trying to stay home and be some Susie fucking Homemaker. Fuck all that. No way. No how. Suck a dick fool. Real talk.

Women today and probably over a decade ago are making shit happen. Becoming CEO's, Presidents, VP's...all the shit that a majority of society said would never happen. Guess what, bitches? Shit DID happen and I'm proud to say, "YOU GO GIRLS!" Get your shit. Make that paper. Be an independent fucking woman and don't let any man get on your shit because you are taking care of your responsibilities and picking up THEIR slack. It's the 21st fucking Century and it's all about equal opportunity and getting yours...because sometimes, we can't depend on others on trying to make shit happen.

Your man is jealous. Jealous of the fact that you are doing work and getting paid. Doesn't matter how much you're getting paid, you're getting something. Something that is taking care of the both of you even though it kills you that you are busting your ass. While he probably wants you to bust your ass in the kitchen, you are busting your ass in corporate fucking America. I'm not sure what your man does or if he even has a goddamn job. All I know is that any man who has to use a front to make you feel inferior, guilty and shitty because you are trying to do what's right, is an insecure little bitch in my book.

Does he not know that people who actually have jobs sometimes might have to work hard?
Work late? Actually fucking work? Man on the side? Bitch please. I mean, unless you smell like a cum dumpster and have sex hair every night you come home from work, this cat needs to chill the fuck out and back up the fucking truck and sip on a brew that he actually has to open with his own hands. Instead of drinking pitchers of Bitchelob Ultra and hating on your ass, he needs to stand the fuck down and appreciate everything you're doing. That said, you need to stand your goddamn ground and tell this bitch of a man what the fuck is up. If you let him ride your ass with accusations while you sit there all pouty and shit, guess what? He's gonna keep riding you like bitches ride me off in the sunset. Be a woman and tell him what's up.

I'm a realist and the reality of your situation and how society works today is this - Women are making a fucking mark on the map. They have been and will be for years to come. True story.

Nothing more for me to say other than put your man in check, or move the fuck on and find a man that's actually gonna appreciate you and your hard work. If you are in fact fucking another dude, then well, shame on you for making his observation a true one.

Make Money. Fuck bitches (this includes you women).

Much love,



Anonymous said...

Best blog on the planet. Doesn't get more real anywhere else. Love it!

Anonymous said...

I have a theory about why insecure men contract the ""bitchassness". Love that word, btw.

Some men want, no...they NEED us to be totally dependent on them. They need to be the ones handling all the real shit so that we are totally helpless without them, because it is a fucked up way to ensure that we don't feel like we have a choice to leave. That way, when they act like the douchbags they are, they can feel confident that we will just cower in the corner and take it. Men that are intimidated/put off by successful women are so for a reason, and it isn't a good one.

Anonymous said...

JW - Take a lesson from Hemingway. If you can say it in less words, do. That correct answer is three sentences long.

1. Good to see someone working hard to get ahead.
2. If he's insecure because of past transgressions, tough fucked that up for yourself.
3. If he has no justified reason to be insecure, either be a real partner and squash his worries by being honest and real...or be a selfish Jacksjackass and bail on his ass.

Anonymous said...

Just an observation from someone who's been there.... odds are the douchebag is fucking someone else, feels guilty and wants the breakup to be her fault. It's called projection.

Anonymous said...

Just when I thought I couldn't enjoy you anymore than I do, you go and produce this.
I have to agree, or dude is probably out with another woman, cheating himself and trying to make it like she is doing what he's actually doing.


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

"Bitchalobe Ultra" Bwahahahahhaaaa!!!!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Normally yes, but If he used as little words as possible it wouldn't include masterpieces of literary humor like "bitchelobe ultra"!

Anonymous said...

Most likely he's the one cheating. I've never understood the phenomenon...the person accusing the innocent one is doing what they are accusing.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE this advice and it just wouldn't be genius if it wasn't this length

Anonymous said...

Make money. Fuck bitches. Works for women too... fucking awesome!!

insomnia said...


Anonymous said...

Fucking awesome!

Jacquie said...

Definately true!