Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Advice Column: Needy, Desperate And Looking For Answers

Hi J-Wunder et al,

So on reading your blog a few times, it seems very clear that you're not the type to bullshit, and can certainly provide some insight on my dilemna.

Basically, I had my heart broken (as pre-teen as that sounds, I am actually in my mid 20s) by someone nearly a year ago now, and as much as I want to get over him, I can't seem to. He on the other hand, has swiftly moved on. To add to this, I haven't been in a relationship since/only a few dates with people who I wasn't really interested in. From what i can tell, I am either hideous and destined to be a cat lady or a memo has gone out to men to avoid me at all costs. This is of course barring the few men at work who feel it is ok to be as creepy as fuck around me.

I don't consider myself to be super attractive and as mentioned earlier, may in fact be a cat lady in the making. However, prior to said man/me ruining my love life, I was rarely single and often seemed to have someone interested in me, even if they were mostly irritating and not very pleasing to the eye. I can say for sure that no longer is that the case - so much so that I have started reconsidering exs, which we all know is a massive desperate error.

Please tell me what the hell I should do to make sure this complete dry patch ends as soon as possible.

Dry as the Sahara

Dear Dry as the Sahara,

For fucks fucking sake, listen to you. My heart is broken...he's moved on...I think I'm hideous...blah, blah, blah. Woman, shut the fuck up and chill the fuck out. Quit being all whiny and shit. You sound like a girl who's single and dry as the Sahara. Wait, what?


Now, what you need to do is listen and listen really fucking good. As much as I want to slap the whiny bitch out of you, I see where you're coming from. That's why you came to me and that's why I'm here to help you. Grab a paper and pen because 2013 is going to be the year you fuck like you are the President of the Pound Town Express.

When it comes to moving on with your life after a serious relationship, one needs to realize that there are steps in the process. I'm not here to talk about those steps because in all honestly, I don't give a shit about the process. All I care about is getting to where you need to be by facing facts and realities. Two things you obviously haven't dealt with. Shame on you, by the way.

You have a few issues which bug the shit out of me, so as I address them, make sure you follow what I'm saying.

Issue #1: The EX

Let's make one thing clear - your ex-boyfriend, doesn't give a shit about you. He hasn't since the day he said, "Peace the fuck out!" We all know this because he has moved on and is banging other broads who he probably has more of a liking to. Yes, I understand that was very assholey of me to say, but that's the fucking truth. Deal with it, Sweet Tits. Ain't no person worth sweating if they aren't sweating you. Truth. Doing that shows a sign of weakness on your part and power on his. Because let's be honest, if this cat were to ask you back into his life, you'd bite at the bit just to be held in his fucking arms again. Don't be that girl. Motherfuckers don't respect weak girls. Well, unless you're a complete douche who loves control. Move the fuck on and get on with your life like your ex-boyfriend has. It's been a year already, for fucks sake.

Issue #2: Dating people you aren't interested in

Really? Are you that fucking desperate that you would go on dates with people you have no interest in? For starters, that's a desperate as fuck move, and second, you are fucking with guys who could end up being your favorite stalkers. STOP THAT SHIT. Typically, normal people go out on dates with other people who they have SOME interest in. You however, sound like you just pick any mother fucker within a 5 mile radius "just to date". You waste more damn time finding people who aren't worth your time than just doing your own thing. Blind dates I get. But dating someone just to date them without any initial interest is just fucking ricockulous and crazy. Bitchassness, I tell you. Bitchassness.

Issue #3: Giving up

I saw your picture. You're a cute girl. However, your attitude is that of a fucking 4 year old. Not only do you sound desperate and needy, but whiny as shit. So what you've struck out a few times. Wanna know the reason? You more than likely come off as a broad who is 1) uninterested, 2) has low self-esteem, 3) a complete fucking bitch. Get mad all you want. That's the goddamn truth. Men smell a woman who is and looks defeated so why date or even touch that shit with a 10 foot pole? It's not about them not digging you, it's you changing your goddamn attitude so things go right side up instead of upside down. I've run into many women through my years of clam hunting and the ones I avoided were the ones like you. The ones who don't need to say a word about being lonely because the expression and personality give it the fuck away. If you're not into it, don't think for a second, the guy who has approached you, will be. If anything, he might just be approaching you so you don't end up slicing your fucking wrist right there at the bar.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and sack the fuck up. I get you're heart broken and men aren't interested in you. But who's fault is that? That's on YOU. Not the guy who you weren't interested in. Not the guy who you thought about talking to but were "too intimidated to approach". Hell, not even the co-worker who would bang you for a measly fucking dollar just to put a smile on your face. The fact that you have basically admitted that you're about to give up on dating and men alone is fucked up and stupid. You know what dick feels and tastes like so jump back on that goddamn stallion and ride that shit like you stole it.

Issue #4: Settling for anything...including those EX's

Get the fuck out of here!!!!

And I quote:

"However, prior to said man/me ruining my love life, I was rarely single and often seemed to have someone interested in me, even if they were mostly irritating and not very pleasing to the eye. I can say for sure that no longer is that the case - so much so that I have started reconsidering exs, which we all know is a massive desperate error."

If this isn't a cry for "I need fucking attention by anyone who is anyone," then roll me in flour and try to find my asshole in the dark.

You my dear, have some problems. Desperate for attention much? The problem you have is that you're caught up in the sadness and need someone just to hang out. No one wants that. You don't even want that. Go back to your ex's, really? Is life that bad that you can't even find a random cute drunk guy to makeout with or screw? You have to admit that you are considering ex's? Bitch, please. Listen to yourself for a goddamn minute. You sound like a woman who, in the next ten minutes, is going to the SPCA and is going to pick up a litter of cats, take them home, get in some raggity ass clothes and eat ice cream, potato chips and watch re-runs of Ricki fucking Lake everyday.


If you need a man to validate you, your looks and everything in-between, have a nice life alone. Real talk. Be strong, bitch. Be a woman who wants to light up the fucking room to where dicks are being thrown at you by the second. Because right now, you are being a woman who is getting cans of Spam, sardines and broken glass chucked in your direction because you are just not the anyone...even yourself.

Positive self-esteem. You had that once, right? You must have if you were getting dick back in the day. However, you lost that real quick once you lost your ex. Don't blame him, blame yourself.

Don't settle, don't be needy, don't fucking whine, don't do shit but be yourself...your positive self. Hey, I've seen some ugly motherfuckers get with people so don't think your luck has run out. There's someone out there for everybody. But like I said, just don't settle. Be a woman who men want to be with. Be a woman who you are happy with. All your whining and other bullshit gets you nowhere but masturbating to Enya and Disney movies. Stop that shit. Please.

This column probably didn't help you. But somewhere between all these lines, there's an answer and I hope your ass finds it.

I'm done. Now go do something that involves you, booze, men and you being bent over a bed screaming really profane and awful things.




Anonymous said...

Once again, J-Wunder nails it! Loved it!

Anonymous said...

Well said. :)

Unknown said...

The best!

Anonymous said...

Amen! Self-confidence will carry you miles. When you walk into anywhere (the bar, the gym, the Fuckin grocery store) look and act like you own the Fuckin joint. You know how many guys I've picked up in produce? A LOT. Truth.

Anonymous said...

That was blunt, and straight forward, but the lady needed to hear it! I like the closing paragraph, that would put a smile on my face.


Anonymous said...

No man is going to come near you when you are giving off the "oh woe is me vibe" - You have to go out and live your life for YOURSELF -- The men will come.... when they see that you are not desperate !! Go to the gym - join a bootcamp or spinning or zumba class - go volunteer at the animal shelter or old folks home or library or where-the-fuck-ever.... but whatver you do stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Anonymous said...

Goldicocks is soooo right, was about to post the same damn thing!

Unknown said...

Nailed it.